Bluegrass

I feel like building a "Bluegrass" Playlist... :)

I'm listening to Pandora and building it as I come across new songs and artists.

Take a listen...

Lately I've run through a whole heap of issues that I never foresaw as possibilities in my realm of possible situations that I might enter into.

The difficult marriage, that's understandable, people have difficult marriages all the time. I knew the procedure there, at least I thought I did. You try to make things work, try to talk to your spouse about the important issues, try to bring up the kids right. However I found myself running into a whole lot of impotency in my ability to bring things around to what I thought the right thing and way to be was. I had a clear vision, it's the vision promulgated through the media, through my church, through cultural beliefs, for a time it looked as though the realization of those ideals was within my grasp. It was right there, right there on the edge of the next step, and then a series of unthinkable events smashed it to pieces.

Still, I felt like I had tried. I made mistakes, one of the biggest being that I got desperate and looked to someone else to take me away from my marriage before I resolved my problems. It was absolutely clear that I couldn't make the marriage work, and yet not forcing myself through the crucible of relying solely on deep spiritual guidance cut me off from intuitive lessons that I needed to learn. Part of me is dying, hiding in the corner of well intended help. I believe it is a piece of my integrity, I don't feel whole.

So absolutely my marriage had to end. I knew this, I knew it 10 years before I reached the turning point. I sat outside of my tiny apartment, diary in hand and wrote it down. I could look down that tunnel and see the point that I was headed towards, but I also knew that I had to travel that road, that if I didn't put all of the effort that I could into making my marriage work that I wouldn't respect myself. I wanted to run, at some level I didn't want to face it, but I pulled from that deep spiritual well and resolved to move forward.

Now at this point, I am in a conundrum. For the past three years I have been rather confused and disconnected from my true being. This because I stopped listening to that well of intuition that I drew upon in the past. Why? Because I have been trying to avoid hurting people that I care about. Pouring so much into trying to establish a life that has been hard for me to grasp, because it's out of reach and so far out of the realm of possibilities that I've settled into this uneasy life. Not able to say for sure about one thing or the other because I don't feel the way that I should while trying to establish this new life. All this vagueness... I'm not happy with this. I should have sorted out things on my own before trying to sort it out with someone else. That's why my blogging has been rather silent, I have simply not wanted to share how I'm really feeling because how I'm really feeling is dead inside. A lot of admiration and respect, care and concern, love... is there for those I'm trying not to hurt... but a lot of uncertainty about relationships in general still lingers and I would really just like to be on my own, if only that wouldn't hurt others so much... yes I know you're going to say I should just do what makes me happy, well it's not hurting others that's for certain, and that's the unforeseen reality that I'm facing... I really hate it.

I've been hiding away from hurt for a long time. One of the reasons why I didn't break off my marriage is that I didn't want to be to blame for the divorce. He cheated on me from the beginning and I thought that I could forgive him and move forward, but the trust never came back, he continually did things that broke my heart and I couldn't trust him. So part of me was looking for the final straw, the last thing that I would allow him to do before I broke it off, and I allowed so much! That was an unhealthy situation though, I should have broke it off simply because it wasn't working, I had tried so much and was still not able to trust him and I was hurting. But I stayed and stayed, too afraid to face what life would have looked like without someone to provide, and I uneducated (as of yet) and part of the staying was so that I could get an education, in some ways that was dishonest, in some ways I was giving him time to change...

I used to love so simply, I was so devoted (infatuated) with those little boyfriends that I had when I was younger. I never had a chance to develop a relationship with Sam, I made the decision to put myself in a compromising situation and from then on continued on that path.

Right now I'm developing a relationship with Ajey, but it's so strange. Usually when you date someone you see each other, there is attraction... the other half of the coin is not there. I'm uncomfortable with the way the relationship has been established. I felt a strong impression from that deep intuitive spirit that I should not pursue a relationship with him and when I tried to break it off I was unable to do so, my words were impotent, his pain over-rode the truths that I was speaking. Part of the reason I didn't want to be with him was that he wasn't a member of the church, he couldn't understand where I was coming from, I didn't want that in a relationship or for my kids.

A few thoughts on the human condition

Sometimes I wonder about the human condition, why some people have so much and some so little. I used to explain things to myself (as a sort of crutch) that perhaps people who are beautiful and rich are not really so happy as they seem, that they to have hidden difficulties and sadness's. But do the rich and the poor really have the same understanding about life? Do they go through the same trials?

No

and yes.

If you have no concern for money do you have a true understanding of frugality? Frugality in a sense is the careful stewardship of your resources in order that you might be able to obtain the things that you need, or to save more for future expenses. The rich might, out of good habit, decide to buy only what they need, perhaps a bit more (to "treat" themselves) but when they need something they have the resources to draw on to buy it. They buy the best carpeting (the stuff that doesn't wear out in a couple of years), the best rated cars (which are fuel efficient and well built, thus saving money on both types of car expenses). Upper class folks buy better food and live in better neighborhoods. In fact I recall a documentary/60 min. piece about this subject the rich had less stress in many respects, lived longer (because of the better quality of their nutrition and access to health care), and had fewer children (who they helped to get an education, thus allowing the continuation of wealth).

Just a few thoughts

SG

Update - Little Fellow's Neck

The bump on my little fellows neck is going down! :D

Reticence

Sometimes the truth jumps out at you in unexpected moments and you're left breathless at the implication of it. What does it mean? That I am afraid to look somewhere else for the kind of love that I see quite plainly in the picture of my friend and his wife?

That I feel special being loved by someone but am having a hard time returning the feeling as he knows it?

That I can't live with the consequence of a half life, a half love if I never even try to bring true love to fruition? Can true love be born out of constant e-mail communication, through phone and association?

Does awkwardness indicate reticence, does it mean the love isn't there? Does comfort mean it exists? Does it matter if one person wants to love and care for the other if both are not equally matched? Are we not equally matched?

I've got to come to a conclusion soon, I can't go on and on for years and years, I will end up marrying just for the sake of my word, for the sake of living out the moment. Will I regret it later on?

Or is he simply the one for me? Am I over thinking this, making an issue where there shouldn't be an issue?

He is moving, functioning in his world, the world of Australia and he's comfortable with having an overseas girlfriend/fiance that he calls his wife.

He's in this relationship because he hasn't found someone like me over there, but in fact he's stated that he found girls similar to me at church over there. But he's staying true to me because he's loyal, or because he doesn't believe that he would have a chance with these other girls.

When I was with him I felt awkward walking next to him, he's too short for me, I felt awkward kissing him while standing up, again too short. His head is small and round, I find this odd. These are the things on the main that I don't like. As well, I don't like that he's childish in some ways, that he really reminds me of a kid... all men have some aspects of the child still left in them but the way that he's childish is awkward for me. Plus I don't like the way he talks babyish to me, it disturbs my sense of self. Plus the over dramatic way he answers my posts makes me cringe.

I don't like the way he buys me stuff that I don't like, the comic books that he sent creeped me out because they were about a white guy who was a complete idiot in the midst of Indian guy's, the obvious racial slurs bothered me.

I'm not happy that he talked me into being in a relationship with him, even though I told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. He did this through guilt inference, by making me feel guilty that I had told him at one point that I loved him, so therefore if I loved him then I should want to be in a relationship with him.

I'm feeling cornered, I'm feeling overwhelmed with his attention.

The mutual friendship that I have with him has been overshadowed by the hope that he has of an everlasting relationship. The mutual friendship and interests are what has kept me tied to him. Then I don't want to cause him pain. Plus all of the relatives that I have met, his family, he claims loves me and I am intrigued in some ways by the idea of going to India, meeting these people, being a part of an old ancestry with old traditions and a royal blood line. Intrigued about the mystery and power of his family. Fascinated by the friendships that he seems to command, the respect that he has in Puttar, his family's home and elsewhere in India.

I just realized something else, we all tend to comply with people that we feel obligated to. I kind of feel that perhaps Meaghan today didn't want a hug, but she's hurt and playing out a role of being hurt and when offered a hug she took it, though somewhat reluctantly and awkwardly. What this means for me is that I am playing out a role, I am being offered love and I have accepted help and support from Ajey and thus feel obligated to continue playing the role. Even though a part of me doesn't want to continue. The question is, is the part of me that doesn't want to continue bigger than the part that wants to keep going? What does this mean for me? I felt like this for years and years with Sam but could never break things off, I just couldn't and it tore me apart, it ate at my sanity, I felt stuck, obliged, drained. Not part of an ideal reality for me. Plus I am afraid of losing friendship, I am afraid of losing respect, I am afraid of hatred aimed towards me.

That's why I kept trying to appease Gabriel, I didn't want him to hate me. But I wanted him to back down, I wanted time and he wouldn't give it to me. I was so deeply emotional with him. He hit all the right notes at the right time. I felt so much romance in that relationship. The feelings I felt there overshadow what I feel with Ajey, though with Ajey I felt a brilliant sense of enlightenment, of love, and a blush. Those were under false assumptions though, I wouldn't have felt the same if I would have met him in person at the time.

Gabriel is a dangerous man, is it only for me? I'm not sure but the attraction is enormous. Like a moth to the flame.

Delicious Strawberries :)

I've acquired a new favorite habit... berries and Greek yogurt! Ah soooo delicious!!

This combination started out as a desire to counteract in part the extreme void of perceived nutrition in Roxies lunch menu, thus I picked up a treat for her (along with other yummy treats) and had a bit of the treat myself.

Oh raptures!

The delight was at first a simple combination of Organic Blueberries and Raspberries, Greek Yogurt and a bit of Stevia sprinkled on top. Yummy!

The pièce de résistance though is Greek Yogurt (sprinkled with Stevia), walnuts, and fresh sliced organic strawberries!!

Try it out ;)

Patience

It's interesting to realize the amount of patience that you've developed for circumstances and people while in the crux of exercising that patience. 

My Ex-Husband has volunteered to paint around the house and to fix things up, it is a continual effort to try to win me back I know (because he all but says this to me), but I'm letting him do it or else do it myself.

I know I could move, I know I could call on members of the church to come over to fix things, but how much of peoples time can you really count on?

So I bought the plywood, vinyl and other such materials for the project, a long process because I want it to look nice without paying too much for the job, and Sam tells me that I should call the landlord and let them know of the hideous state of the flooring that was under the vinyl. It turns out that what was there when we moved in was rather nice, the stuff under it, 3 layers of vinyl under a 1/2 # plywood was wretched.

In order to get a hold of the landlord I have to go through the manager. So I called her up and told her that I needed to speak with the landlord. She (the manager) went off on me, told me that I should have told her that it (presumably the bathroom) was leaking, that she asked me every time I handed her the rent if anything was leaking. This rant because the sub-floor beneath the vinyl was rotting away. I never told her that it was leaking because it wasn't leaking and she saw the state of the floor before. The deal with this lady though is that she likes to build up a repertoire of  things that she deems to be the fault of the tenets so that she can complain to the landlord about the problems and throw everyone into a bad light. She did this to Christina (my once neighbor) and I knew she was doing it to me so I pointed it out to her. She seemed to think I was raising my voice to her but in reality I was simply calling her out. So she started ranting about this being the Landlords property, that we shouldn't fix anything, that she would have sued me if it were her and had us evicted, but it's not her property... blah blah blah. I finally got her to calm down, call the landlord who gave me a call back and in a calm and pleasant voice asked what the issue was. I told her, she asked me to submit receipts for the job (I can deduct the cost from my rent), and asked that I make a list of what needs to be fixed to give to the manager with my rent for next month and that was that.

Goodness, heaven above.

Today's been full of opportunities to exercise patience. Patience while my Dad explains to me about good driving habits (on our way to the hardware store), while he hems and haws about the types of wrenches I should buy (I just wanted a simple set, but he thought perhaps I should buy the deluxe set...), while he goes off to find a candy bar and picks through a bunch of discounted tools. Dad's amusing sometimes if you don't let his comments about stuff get to you.

Patience... now I get to exercise a bit more of it as the toilet (reset after being moved out of the way so the floor could be replaced) is leaking from the top part (the bolts holding the top part down are rusty), so we have to flush the toilet with water from a bucket...

But all of this shall be worth it! When I can step into my bathroom and not cringe, when I can take a bath and not worry about the water leaking over the side (well not as much anyway). When it is clean and easier to clean it will all be worth it!

Now it's time for bed.

Today Was a Triumph! However other worries are on the horizon...

My family has a tradition to go up to my parents house for dinner. This a tradition that has grown out of comfortable habit, going back for 10+ years.

One of the best parts of going to my parents house for dinner is the fun and sometimes strange conversations that we all have. Today's topic, my Dad's adventures with "Cousin Eddy," which brought up "Annie and Daniel" stories, "Daniel" stories, and my kids own stories.

I think that hearing stories about me and my brother humanized me a bit for my daughter, she's loosened up for the day and it makes me feel good to be comfortable talking with her and all of my kids. :)

My worry is this:

He's had a lump on his neck for quite some time, a smaller one that you an see a little below this large one. I'm not sure how long this one's been there, he's passed most of the summer with his Dad's family and his cousins. I just noticed how large it was last week and got him a doctors appointment. The doctors got him on antibiotics (saying it's possibly strep) and I'm hoping that the antibiotics make it go away!

Otherwise... I fear to think what could cause this.

Surviving

I feel like a whole decade of my life vanished, I blinked and it was gone, and with it the hopes that I once had of raising my children to be happy, healthy and teaching them to work hard and be wise (yes, they are good kids, but I could have imbued so many good habits into them and so much practical knowledge, I can't get them to listen now).

I feel this way because I've been fighting to stay afloat by trying to get a good education, trying to be smart enough to get a good job, to earn enough money, to stay alive. During this time, so much of the time, I've had to let certain things slide like doing things with my kids, especially teaching them. I'm really seeing the wisdom of delaying having children until you've gotten an education at this point... jumping in without being ready isn't fair to the kids or yourself.

September 11 brings back the memories of my little ones being little, my fears for them, what I wanted to give them at that point, how much I loved those little ones. I remember feeling the passage of their age from little baby to small child, from small child to older child, older child to young adult...

I remember picking them up once, right as they were passing from small children to older kids (my two oldest), I carried them to their beds side by side. I held each one in turn crying, those little angels ignorant of their mothers tears. It pains me that I cannot seem to reach my daughter, that my son though easier to reach is so disinterested in his mom... he used to bring me flowers, oh how much I treasured them.

I judged my parents harshly when I was my daughters age. How I felt that they failed me, how I wished they were different. I didn't know how hard it is to live! To work, to get by, to survive! I didn't think of that! Only my mothers seeming indifference to me, my fathers cruel anger. I compounded hurts upon myself not understanding life, and darned if that's not what my daughter is doing to me.

How I wish she could know how much I love her and how much she means to me! How I wish I could give her knowledge and talent, all of the skills she needs to survive.

How I love my children, how I wish I could be scout den mother and help my boys earn their Eagles, PTA parent, baking cookies for fundraisers, volunteering to read to their class, or just here to make a wholesome dinner for them every day.

I am so tired

I spend my days at work, come home and clean, cook, and study... before I know it it's past bedtime, and I'm still trying to do something or other to catch up, to get life to make sense.

My kids are true latch key kids

I want life to be about living again, I want to feel free again, I want to dream again

For all that is dear and wonderful I don't want those who love me to hurt

Almost 2 am... time to sleep

Draggin around, But Getting Things Done

Today has dragged. I dragged myself out of bed, I dragged myself to work, and then back home again. I successfully managed to stay sane, or partially so, under the gaze of the meeting attendants in the glass bowl conference room (walls made of glass) while suffering from stomach upset and general malaise. I also successfully kept working though the software that I was using to upload my files had encountered some sort of glitch (I opened a file on our server and had the other members of the team grab the files to load them). I've been trying to work longer shifts in order to make up for the lost day on Monday, but unfortunately don't get to work early enough and haven't felt up to staying much later than a general 8 hours, today only 6.5.

Enough on these general complaints.

I've been feeding my mind as I efficiently sort out company records, a simple and mindless task. So far I've studied several musical genres and found my favorite musical styles and artists (thus far) something I haven't been able to do previous to now because I've been preoccupied with schooling and raising children. Some day I'll make a nice playlist to listen to and get the songs for my ipod.

At the moment, I've just completed listening to lectures on critical thinking and now I'm listening to Les Miserable, a work much larger than I originally thought it to be.

A word to sum up the work, Lugubrious, it is Victor Hugo's style and most often heard (out of the ordinary) word in the book. I'm struck by the dual treatment that he gives to religion, at once esteeming it by the many themes of ascetic and good followers of faith, yet also renouncing it as part of a society which follows blind ascriptions such as the strict upholding of the law without regard to circumstance.

In fact the main character Jean Val Jean is at the moment interred in a convict with his little adopted daughter Cosette and is reflecting upon the similarities between the life of the prisoner with the life of a nun.

As for now, I'm at home, feeling slightly better and at the computer writing this post and then I'm going to watch an "Online Expert" Training video on Excel (one that I've already watched but need to review since I have access to these videos through the generous grant of the UVU Womens center who paid for the training and which I will have to pay back if I don't watch them and take the tests... ).

Jumping in the Ocean

I watched "A Home of Their Own" with Kathy Bates on Sunday, it made me cry. Why? Because of the purity of her intent, her moral uprightness and scruples, her intense desire to raise her children right.

She's a widow, she has 5 kids, they are very poor. She takes them on a journey from LA to find a place to live in the countryside. They come across a house that is partially built and she makes a deal with the owner of the house. She doesn't want charity, goes to work, is honest and upright. She makes mistakes, but then pours enough love into her kids that it makes up for them quite a bit. She goes out on a date and gets beaten because she doesn't like the idea of having sex "just to get it out of the way" before the dance. No one (but my ex in some ways) has ever treated me like that, what I admire is the absoluteness of her reply to that offer (no indecision).

I remember watching this right before I had my 3rd child Sione. My husband was working in Seattle, I was alone and happy that he was gone because he complicated things so much for me. I identified so much with the characters and the story and still do.

It got me thinking about myself, my own moral life. That's a hard territory to define and navigate sometimes. I've never felt like a mean or malicious person, never had really bad intentions, yet sometimes I've had to fight certain tendencies or I've found myself walking along in shady territory more on the dark side of the line than the light.

This tends to be a more prevalent problem for me when I'm under a lot of stress and pressure, or when I'm just plain depressed.

I've tried to refocus this past week or so. Decided that a large part of the problem that I've been having with my apartment is that I've just gotten too frustrated with the situation, the fact that I'm stuck here, that the carpet is just trashed (the upstairs carpet hasn't been replaced since the 70's and the downstairs carpet is a lovely shade of cheap beige carpet full of holes and stains that couldn't help but show up since I've got 4 kids and a cat who all love digging at the carpet). I haven't had the carpet cleaned for 3 years now, mostly because it costs $70 bucks to do it and I didn't have the money or desire to spend it.

Last week (and the week before) my ex-husband pushed the couches and stuff together in the living room, took the stuff off the walls and started the process of painting. Two of the walls in the living room were finished on Saturday (the other two have large objects in front of them thus difficult to get at to paint). That being done I stayed up until 12:30 cleaning my house and putting things back into order. Monday was the same way, I wanted to go into work but couldn't stop cleaning and putting things back into order. My ex came over and started prepping the stairwell to be painted, I wanted to pick up some things at Home Depot so asked him if he needed anything over there and decided to go with him. I couldn't help running around the house looking for little things I could fix that would make things better for us. Light fixtures, outlet covers, etc. Plus I asked my ex to measure the bathroom floor to see if it would be feasible to replace the flooring in there. I ended up going back about an hour before they closed and bought a bunch of tile and stuff, it ended up costing over $300 dollars! When I got everything home I started thinking about the disparity between having a tile floor and the broken down vanity in the bathroom and it occurred to me that when I move the Landlord could easily replace the vanity (and carpet, etc) and then rent out the apartment for more than what I'm paying, so the next day I brought back the tile and bought vinyl ... now I want to bring back the vinyl and get a different pattern somewhere else (as they didn't have a very nice pattern at Home Depot).

Anyway, I stayed up so late on Monday and poured so much effort into cleaning and ordering that I'm starting to feel a bit sick... but it's worth it, both of my kids rooms are more organized than they've been for several years and so is most of my home. It is such a relief to me!

When I get that aspect of my life in order I can focus on being with my kids when I get home and studying to improve my skills at work. How I wish I really knew more about the computer, how the different programs worked together, how to keep it maintained. I've had a few problems at work today and I hate feeling ignorant when it comes to the computer.

Walking that line, I have so much to focus on... I'm trying to sort out the emotions that I haven't been dealing with in-between all that I'm responsible for doing. I'm not insincere, I really love who I love. But should I really allow myself to get pulled away from my main focus, my kids, my employment, to walk in mires of emotion? Dr. Laura Schlessinger advocates (and has advocated for many years) not dating after you get a divorce. In the midst of the dark and difficult marriage that I was in before I always hated that advice, I thought it so unfair, but now I understand the reasoning. It's not that marrying a nice guy isn't desirable, it's that not having my life and my kids lives in order before dating is like jumping in a stormy ocean.

I'm finding my voice, a little bit at a time, and at some point I will know what I want. Right now, I just want things to be better.

Wishing for Simplicity

I thought when I was young that adults knew things in a straightforward black and white way, however life isn't like that, black and white are both admixtures of many different colors, swirled around to make the illusion of a solid. They are just reflecting things differently.

Sometimes having a lack of answers is very disconcerting, personally it makes me question myself.

I have been very foolish. I really, really wanted to have a simple loving relationship, with someone, and yet refused to choose. I was tied up in knots, I hated myself. The worst thing is not being able to trust your own heart because it seems to love more than one person. Ironically I thought being honest with both of them would be enough, it wasn't. My dilemmas have been legitimate, my choices have not been.

The end result is the breaking off of a sweet friendship, one in which I found quite a bit of joy. Plus hurting many, many people.

Yet how can you choose who to hurt and who not to? It's difficult, I tend to make choices that hurt myself and my integrity simply because I am trying to avoid hurting other people.

Plus the truth. I hate stating the truth sometimes because it looks ugly, sometimes shallow, sometimes mean. Kids state whatever they think. Is that better? They point and say, she is fat, he is weird looking, you talk funny, you laugh weird. They are blunt.

I wish things were that simple. How can I make them to be so?

Would it be better to be blunt instead of dancing around the truth?  Is there a way to be blunt without being hurtful? Is there a way to make up your mind about your course of action when it involves many peoples feelings and considerations of many different factors?

Considerations, when I was young I thought it was simple to choose who I wanted to be with, someone I loved, my best friend, someone who made me smile and laugh. Tall, dark and handsome. Prince Charming. 

Last week I made a terrible choice. This week has been a torment, but I feel I deserve it. I want to be happy again but am made miserable by my choice and the consequences. In that moment the choice felt right and good, later on it did not. I didn't choose what I did out of capriciousness, but that's how it feels to me and that's probably how it feels to those who this choice affects. That is what is so utterly hard about this situation.

It makes me not want to say "I Love You" to anyone though, because those words are like a contract, they tie the person who utters them to the other. No matter how true, saying "I Love You" seems meaningless to someone else if you don't want to be with them, whatever the reason. That's how it seems anyway, it's terrible.

What are the reasons that you wouldn't want to marry/be with someone you love? Well, it's just doesn't feel right, or it logically doesn't pan out in your mind.

But I still feel sick inside and want things to be better, I want to heal the hearts that I've broken, but cannot. Through all my trying I've made things worse. So all I can say is I'm sorry and then all I can do is deal with the irony of those words...

The Pure The Bright The Beautiful

1.

The pure, the bright, the beautiful,

That stirred our hearts in youth;

The impulse to a worldless pray’r,

The dreams of love and truth;

The longings after something lost;

The spirits yearning cry;

Revivings of our better hopes;

These things can never die.

4.

Let nothing pass, for every hand

Must find some work to do;

Lose not a chance to waken love--

Be firm, and just, and true,

So shall a light that cannot fade

Beam on thee from on high,

And angel voices say to thee--

These things shall never die.

~Horace Waters