Giving it Your Best

Life is learning to embrace new ideas, gathering things that are appealing, making friends and experiencing a whole spectrum of joy and pain. 

Then it is learning to let go of certain ideas, discarding things that are no longer appealing and trying new things even when you feel caught up in stagnation and pain.

We set goals and sometimes we realize that even achievements have limitations towards our happiness. 

Sometimes we want more out of life than we have and live for tomorrow's that slip away once we reach them. 

We only have today, we love who we love, we achieve what we can and follow the path of foolishness when we dwell so much on the past or the future. 

Trying your best, giving it your all, or whatever you have left, is the reality of what it means to be human. 

Be as good a human as you can and lift yourself and others up.

SG

Gathering Thoughts

I have felt this grief before; it is as poignant now as it was then. Perhaps all the little bits of grief we taste throughout our lives are meant to temper the soul, to prepare it for the bigger grief that we all must face as time and age take all that we love and all that we are.

It is important to learn to sit with grief, although I'm not sure if that phrasing is correct. I once described grief in a poem as a stone that sits in your soul or like water that bursts forth out of the deep wells of sadness that you feel when you go through loss.

Reflecting back on my last relationship, I realize something: I was able to be myself around him, which was marvelous, a true gift that bolstered my sense of self in many ways. Yet I was also stuck in one version of myself, not letting the other aspects of my personality shine.

When he broke things off, I started to grasp about, wondering what I did wrong. Did I bore him with the couple of subjects I had been going down the rabbit hole on? Did I overwhelm him with the mysterious illness that made me dizzy, tired, and feeling off? All I could do for a couple of months was say, "I'm feeling slightly better today but still dizzy," and feel just a little bit crazy.

I wondered if I had maintained my interest in photography and art, if I had shown him that I could rollerblade and gone on bike rides with him, maybe he would still want to be with me. Or I thought, "What if I change myself to be more interesting?" But then a realization came that I cannot do that; I can only be who and what I am, so I've been doubling down on that.

There is within me a place of rejuvenation that I use when overwhelmed. It requires uninterrupted time to access it, and since we've broken things off, I've been searching it out on my walks with Koru. I put my hand to my heart and let the feelings come; sometimes the tears come, and the deep sadness of loss overflows, and I sob. Sometimes I feel more peace; I let the knot of tension subside, and I allow myself to just feel whatever I need to feel. There is gratitude for what I had with him and an understanding of his situation. There is also sadness because I love him; we felt so good together, we were good together, and it's hard to reconcile that feeling with the knowledge that we are separated, apart, and all the hopes that I had for that relationship have to be buried in the little graveyard of hopes that lives silently in my soul.

Many dreams are buried there: relationships that didn't turn out, wishes that didn't come true, and nine little babies that were never born. It is a sacred place; I walk reverently through it on occasion, and most of my ghosts no longer hurt or haunt me. I have a feeling that the ghosts of my most recent buried hopes are going to haunt me for a while; they were beautiful and strong hopes. I miss them.

Not There Yet

I didn't just wake up one day and become an ally, that is a work in progress. There is a lot of stuff that goes through my head that isn't accepting and supportive of marginalized groups. There is a lot of hatred and fear in my heart. I didn't intentionally put it there, but it comes out sometimes and a better part of me wonders where it comes from. I think it's there in all of us in various ways. It's a fear and mistrust of others, it's a monster that is fed when we don't question the quality of information coming into our heads, without or within. It is something we must be vigilant to fight against for our own sake and for the sake of the others around us. 

Hiding

I have been hiding all of my life, observing but not commenting, and scared but not sure what to do about it. My strategy has been to hide so that I wouldn't have to defend myself, so that I wouldn't be attacked for what I said, or humiliated because of my ignorance. 

I have been afraid and defensive of my own weaknesses, I wanted to compete but I didn't want to lose, losing just seemed to prove how worthless I was. At least that's how I felt.

Was this societal indoctrination? Raised to be submissive, to not question authority, maybe it was. All I know is that I didn't want to stand out, to be the center of attention, to draw the disapproval of others towards me. It's still hard to break away from that tendency. It's easier to hide and live a life of quiet anonymity.

Yet I've always admired those who are bold, the people unafraid to show their flaws, the people standing up to bullies and telling them that it is not OK. 

I'm inspired by intelligent people, who lift people up, who are working to make a difference in the world, people who don't back down in the face of ignorance.

I'm envious of people who can just have fun with life, who see the bad but are also able to celebrate the good things in life. Those people that celebrate holiday's and the accomplishments of themselves as well as others.

I tend to fall into a trap of doing instead of being. Trying to organize life instead of living and enjoying life. There has to be a balance and balance isn't easy to find for me. There are all kinds of things I enjoy doing, writing, drawing, painting, photography, roller blading, hiking, walking, gardening and cooking among many others. But sometimes I am paralyzed by indecision, afraid and hyper fixate on cleaning the house or making a budget. I try to organize so that I'm not wasting money or time and in spite of that I quite often end up doing both. 

I am aware that I need to change, to be more brave. Hiding is a good strategy sometimes, it preserves me from being overwhelmed and burned out by the cruelty of the world, but hiding should be tempered with speaking up, too many of us are hiding.