Frame of Mind

I'm in a strange place in my life right now. Since my diet has changed, the levels of my emotions have changed. I don't feel mind numbing depression, which is good, but I don't know how to explain this unfulfilled sadness that I now have. Today it's been terrible, mostly because I stayed up late last night half working half trying to feel out the dating websites I joined. I say feel that out because it seems like I'm a non-entity on these sites. Guys will send me smiles, flirts, messages that they wouldn't mind an email from me. BUT then I respond and nothing... no response or 1 message and then .........

That's frustrating.

I don't know what to change/if there is any point in changing what I have put on the profile, I'm not sure that it will make any difference.

I am THIS person. Does it help to try harder?

In other ways it's strange because I am at this place of equilibrium and dating/getting involved with someone would change that. SO I'm not sure I really want to go there anyway... I'm OK being who I am, I've come to terms with a lot of things in my life that have been really hard. In some ways I just don't want to try to have to explain that to someone else. I sort of get the feeling that these guys are looking for someone without children, without emotional baggage... they don't want to put themselves out there for someone. Then there is a problem with the TYPE of guys on these sites, I have the extremely emotionally damaged types, the I'm too good for anyone look at my Pecs (how great am I?) type, the OK guys who don't really want to get involved with a family. WHAT am I wasting my time for on these sites? There was 1 guy, who sort of seemed he wanted to get involved with me. Except he was giving me signals that what he really wanted was to talk about sexual fantasies. So I told him I didn't want to be played. He assumed it was because of some emotional baggage but mostly it was because I felt unsure of who he was. I didn't know him. He sort of tried again a couple of times trying to be "intimate" but I would get nervous afterwords and text him about that. That wasn't cool for him, I tried to explain that it takes time to get to know someone. That trust is not automatically given away, that is foolish. That intimacy should come after trust is developed. That ended that.

In a way I was really proud of myself for feeling out the issues and standing firm. In another way it left me feeling frustrated and questioning myself about what I had lost? My sexual instincts, my understanding of what guys need, how I should approach them... and what about LDS standards anyway? I need to hold the line here... but what if there isn't anyone out there that is going to accept that I am trying to hold this line and yet I have failed so many times to hold that line in the past.... doesn't that look hypocritical... so am I ineligible for celestial companionship now? I've got kids, I have baggage.


Anyway that's where I'm coming from. I should go to bed to hopefully get enough sleep to be in a better frame of mind tomorrow.

~SG

Trying to be more open...

Good thought:

"So today, when I have a natural instinct to keep something a secret, I think to myself, “Why? Why don't I want people to know?” Because if I am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I'm trying my hardest to be good and kind, then anything I'm doing is fine to tell people." From the blog of Penelope Trunk

I have many, MANY, blog posts that I have written and hidden, or never posted. Most of the time they have to do with situations where I have let myself down. Where I haven't lived up to my potential as a person. AND a lot of times they have to do with situations/acts that I have been a part of that I fear will hurt someone else.

I suppose that is a part of living, making mistakes, seeking love, trying to learn from mistakes to do the right thing next time.

It seems to me that most of my big mistakes have been made when trying to find someone to love me. Sometimes I think that it would be better to lay it all out on the line, to not keep secrets. BUT something prevents me from doing that.

I kind of wish sometimes that I didn't have to go through the process of revealing myself to someone else. Of digging the bones out of my closet and letting them see the mistakes I've made. I don't know if I could ever reveal the intentions behind my actions without them sounding like justifications. For the most part all I want others to see is that what I've done isn't a one sided story.

There have been times when I have done serious things out of selfish motives. My short stint as a thief for instance. I got caught, thank goodness. That stopped me from continuing, made me wake up.

Another reason in regards to dating in particular that I don't want to reveal my mistakes is that it could stop a relationship from progressing. AND/OR it could give someone who really has no business into my life the "upper-hand." I'm tired of guys and their egos. I've spent too much time trying to preserve those egos for stupid, ignorant guys.

My present confusion revolves around a few simple facts. That I have several guys in my life that love me.  I love them too.

In the first case my ex-husband. Who is working REALLY hard to try to look good to me. ALL of the things he knows that bothered me in the past he is trying to make it SEEM are no longer an issue with him and he's trying really hard to get back with me. He is blessing our lives by paying child support and giving us extra money as well. But I feel in a lot of ways that it comes with an obligation to keep him happy and he's driving me crazy by calling all the time, holding me up on the phone and holding my phone up (by asking the kids to use it to talk to him). He asks me questions about the time I spend with other people. He asks me questions about my plans, life, etc. and I'm getting quite fed up with him.

Second. Z
We care for and help each other out. We have lots of similar likes. BUT I am trying to maintain a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and that while having questions about it because I've made serious mistakes and have not put almost ANY time into study of it. So I know that my faltering testimony could tilt this way or that and I don't want to become involved with someone who has decided definitively that they don't believe and won't believe. AND I don't want to try convincing them otherwise if I don't even know what I think anymore.

Third. A
He was supposed to be the missing piece in the puzzle. We spent so much time building up a nice vision of the future. When I was with him it was like I was my true self again, the person I thought lost forever when I became pregnant at 16. I really liked who we were together. We complemented each other in many ways AND he had a way of turning my self destructive behaviors around, making me face them. Then all of our complications turned into reality and we called off being together. BUT he's asking me to stay close, out of a hope that we might still have a relationship some day.

Otherwise I have no real prospects at the moment. The guy from work turned out to NOT be a guy to be with. Online dating sites have produced so far, random old guys (over 45), divorced guys with kids (and I have the same reservations getting into a relationship with them that they probably do getting into a relationship with me. IE they've got kids, and who knows how things would work out), a couple of guys that have "liked" my pictures but don't have good enough English to carry on a conversation, some I was sort of interested in but who never returned my messages, one guy who thought that discussing every point on my profile was a good idea (so tell me, in what ways do you feel like a poet? haha)... UGH I hate this sort of thing.

I've just about made up my mind that I need to join the local Cross-Fit gym or hang out a lot at Real Foods in order to meet someone who has a similar mindset to my own. But then I've no guarantee that they are going to be interested/members in the church.

So, geez.

We've been watching so much "Cake Boss" lately that I feel like a part of the Valestro family. I don't do much with my own family and in fact have an opportunity to hang out with them on Saturday but feel like going to do something else at the local Yoga studio. I don't know why but I just don't jive with my family.

Anyhow... time for bed....

SG