Heart Thoughts

I don't know why so much of my life is lived in a rather singular minded fashion. Force myself awake and to work. Clean, get things done... off to bed. A heart impervious, maybe even closed to the shared humanity around me.

The rat race. Someone described it today in church, the aching to get out of school to get on with life. Well life is what is happening now, life is the sore limbs, the headaches, pushing and striving towards a goal just out of reach.

Life is happening under our feet. Bugs busily gathering food, worms up for some breathing air getting stuck on the sidewalk. Birds chirping and chasing each other. My cat out jumping and snapping at the passing dragon fly's.

I wish I could hug more people. Just hug them to let them know someone notices their pain, notices that they are gritting their teeth and dealing because that's what they have to do. Ha I try to hug as many people that I can who wont take it in a bad way.

My oldest daughter, she is so brave and caring. I am amazed by her! She's grieving for a friend who passed away recently. He went to the park and hung himself. I don't know why. What can I say to her that could help? There isn't much.

People take their own lives. Who knows why or what could have stopped them.

My friend Joe was knocking me for grabbing leaves while out for a walk the other day. We walk together as part of the Adobe GCC healthy challenge. "What did the tree ever do to me?" well nothing. I have no reply for that except to answer why I like to grab leaves as I pass. There is something in the scent of pine needles, the texture of a maple leaf that reminds me that sitting at a desk all day is only an illusion of reality that I'm forced to live out for the sake of feeding my kids. I wish to capture a peace of the alternate reality before I go back to my desk.

That's why I like plunging my feet into the cold river and squishing my toes in the mud as well. These sensations remind me that the world is wonderful. It is full of wonder and beauty.

My dear cousins have lost their father today. He died in my cousin Yousefs arms. I feel for them, they all loved Uncle very much. I miss them too, don't get to see them nearly enough since they live in California. Thank goodness for facebook! Though I hate the site for many reasons (egocentric living, invasion of privacy, games that people get obsessed with etc...) I do like it for the aspect of connectivity that is hard to maintain in a world which is so spread apart as ours is.

I am going to go make some chicken soup for my little Japanese friend Nozhomi. She left church early today with Tracy (the Japanese girl in our ward who arraigned the home stays) as she caught a cold from gallivanting on the mountain yesterday in the rain (go figure).

Grasping At Peace

I don't have a lot of time, or money. I have lots of thoughts though.

It would be easy to live a superficial life. Buy stuff, clothing, jewelry, car and a nice home... sometimes I want to do that buy stuff... look good. It's not sustainable though.


In this day and age people often seem to be devoid of humility. The great goal is to look better/be better than everyone else. I don't like the game... it's easy to get dragged into though, easy to think that you're not good enough if you don't have enough...

I thought my Grandparents were rich; they had a nice home and car, plus Grandma always looked well dressed. Grandma was smart in what she bought to wear, she always looked nice because she took good care of her clothing... I'm trying to get to a point where I can buy some nice things to keep nice...

I'm following the Paleo diet out of necessity.... it's been expensive and somewhat alienating. There are very few people that I know of who follow the diet. It is hard to be so strict with what I eat, but it is a line in the sand. I ABSOLUTELY know that if I eat something that is bad for me I will feel sick. It has been a process of gradually backing away from what is artificial and popular in order to be well.

Artificial and Popular

I wish I could fill my life with all that is real and wholesome and good. Somehow to me the things that fill our modern life are not fulfilling. I look at all the stuff and think "meh!" it's not good enough for me. I want real stuff, real! I'm so sick of all that is fake and phony.

Well.... anyway. Enough random thoughts.

We've had two beautiful Japanese girls living with us for the past week. They are so sincere and real! :)

I love them. They are so complementary, they try all the food I give them to try and say it tastes good... NICE

We've done quite a few things with them. It's been nice, my family has gotten in this rut where I work and the kids hang out at Grandmas and we never get together and have fun.

Last week we went for a drive through the Alpine Loop. This Saturday we hiked up to Timp Cave. One thing that I can't help noticing, the clarity of mind that I have now. I was SO trapped in a foggy world when I ate crappy food. Now it is a clear head that looks out through these eyes. It doesn't make everything better, but it makes a great deal of my life better.

The hike up the mountain was cold, wet and windy. The cave was beautiful, so many interesting formations. The hike down the mountain was wonderful. I like to feel the texture of things. The rocks, the trees. I love the intricacy of the mosses that grow like fireworks bursting forth from the ground. Rain is sometimes discouraging but the air after a good rain is fresh, especially up in the mountains. There was one moment when I was separate from everyone else that I looked out over the expanse and a cool spicy breeze filled my lungs. That was a moment of clarity. One moment of elusive peace. I need to visit the mountains more often...

Perhaps I can talk someone into visiting the lake with me soon... ;) A Japanese girl or two? That would be fun...