A bit of writing

2/19/2024

Sometimes it's hard to imagine when I look at the whole of my life that it's all really happened, I got through it all and I'm on the other side to this new phase of not having young children about. Sometimes I really miss just having them all here, but they've all grown so well and they are such fun people. I'm amazed at how wonderful they all are.

I've always been a romantic, I have a certain way of looking at the world and seeing all this beauty. I saw flecks of different kinds of rocks in the top layer of the concrete that was coming up off my grandparents patio. I would collect little bits of it, and so would my brother.

When I would look down the side of the garage I saw the bright red of the bricks, the ivy vines, the spiders webs. I saw the cracked window, the gloomy light and felt the coolness of it out of the hot sun.

I feel everything so deeply sometimes. 

I used to dream that my life was more luxurious than it was, I put up silky sheets around my four poster bed and pilled pillows up. I took the little vials of perfume that I got from my grandmother and dabbed it on the end on the little toppers at the top of the pillars around the bed so that I could smell them. 

When I would lay awake at night I listened to the sounds of the trees, there were so many in the field behind our house. The sound was hypnotic, soothing, it was a big comfort to me. 

I identified a lot with Anne of Green Gables. 

Cavalcade

 It has been snowing, but first there was a slushy kind of drizzle, the snow is like a coverlet on a layer of slush. I have been working hard, all my skills of gathering, sorting and analyzing data have been coming into play every day as I try to make sense of a complicated and obscure contract mess. 

It's at times like these when I wonder if I will ever have balance again. If I'll ever be able to rest. 

As I go through my day a cavalcade of thoughts go through my head. I think of my childhood sometimes, my grandmother, my home. I take pleasure in the way my house is set up, it is fun and different. I'm not too concerned about things looking like they do on Instagram. 

It's interesting to me how many ideas I've picked up over the years and then put back down. Ideas of self identity, theology, nutrition, and life in general. I've found that life is not so straightforward and clear cut as we make it out to be and that wanting certainty only leads to rigidity in our thoughts and feelings.  

Sometimes I wonder if I am too passive, or if my ability to wait and see allows me some advantage that assertiveness fails to see. In some ways I am assertive in my passivity, it is a choice, it is a way to avoid conflict and also a way to have more options. In some ways it is unhealthy, but I'm not sure how to untangle it all to be different.

I wanted something so much at some point, or at least I thought I did, and when I didn't get it I felt grief but also relief. That is the way of life, sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but it all turns out in the end.

Anyway, I've been in the habit of writing something every night. That has been good for me. 

SG

Slowly Going Crazy

It's late, 8:11 PM, I have been trying to work all day but I have had problems. First of all, this morning, I was too tired to get out of bed, so I joined our staff call on my phone.

Then I stumbled about, because, vertigo, and made some tea. 

I tried to work, and did some things, but wasn't all that efficient. I went into a panic mid-day when my brain wasn't working and my inbox was filling up. 

I've been trapped by this ridiculous "fustercluck" of a contract since late November. It keeps infiltrating my time because it's the most convoluted contract that I've ever encountered (well, that I've encountered in a long time). 

I'm simultaneously trying to work on that and do my regular tasks. On top of that the productivity tool I used to use "Sunsama" just came up for renewal so I spent a good part of my day trying to make Outlook more organized. If I could only schedule the tasks I create in Outlook like I can in Sunsama I would be golden. Should I really have to pay $200 dollars a year for a tool I use some of the time when my brain is melting? 

I got several contracts booked and I made a bit of progress on my reconciliation of the "fustercluck" but I don't even know if I should consider that having accomplished enough for the day. There is still so much to do! 

I came up with a makeshift system of organization in Outlook by Categorizing and then flagging each email as for "Today," "Tomorrow," "Some time in the future," "etc...." that sort of helped me get a grip but I'm not sure if it will be enough.

Send help.

SG