My Struggles, My Guilty Conscience

There are a lot of things going through my head right now. I think my childhood looked to be pretty conventional, I had a Mom and Dad, older brother, younger brothers and little sister. What isn't conventional is the inner turmoil I've felt throughout life for things to be in order. My older brother has autism, this has always necessitated a certain amount of extra work for my mother. She started working when I was little and she would come home really tired. I felt a certain amount of responsibility to try and make things easier for her. Clean the house so that she wouldn't be stressed out, help with dinner.

Through the years as I've grown and made certain choices in my life, I've felt a sense of responsibility to do the best that I could with the circumstances that I've been given. I was a young mother and my husband made choices that led to many difficulties for me. We lived with my parents for a time because we were very poor, I lived with debilitating depression. I felt a sense of dread when I was in that situation, I wanted to fix things, all of my siblings were still at home and I felt like I was adding a burden to my parents that was unfair to them. I felt a great deal of guilt. So I worked hard, I went to school and I tried very hard to make due with the amount of money my husband made so that we could move out of my parents home. I was in school for a long time, my mother watched my children and my sister has helped with them even when she was very young.

I've always had some amount of inner conflict about the amount of control I had over my kids schedules and what they were watching on TV and/or the amount of video games that they played with my brothers. I wanted to be this shining, perfect mother and I've had to compromise in order to become educated. My relationship with my husband was complicated as well, I wanted to be the perfect wife, I wanted to have a stable, happy family. But I had to let those ideals go when it was clear that my husband was abusive and had abused my sister and my daughter. If only I had realized sooner! I wish I could say I would have been able to leave sooner but I know that I didn't have the support or resources I needed to leave.

Now when I go to my parents I still feel a sense of responsibility. I feel a bit of guilt and unease. For one thing, my siblings all are still living at home, it's a frustrating situation because there is a reason for the extended adolescence of my siblings (autism, ADHD, medical issues) but also I can see that my siblings are fighting to get an education as well and that gives me hope. But the strain that it has taken on my parents is difficult to see. Also the state of our family home induces guilt and shame in me.

It's a story of an interconnected chain of events that has led to a difficult situation. My father won't stand up and be the leader of the family, in a way he can't because what is there for him to be in charge of? All of us are adults. My angel mother still works every day and is trying to repair her home but the task is so great, there is so much to do and she is getting older. She has been in charge of our holidays and traditions and it has taken a toll on her. I wish I could swoop in, clean house, fix things and give her the rest she deserves... but I've only got a limited amount of physical, mental and emotional energy to spare.

I guess I'm feeling frustrated tonight.

SG 

Fight or Flight

It is easy to lose sight

Sometimes life can be overwhelming, many things can happen at once and be they good or bad in the moment the instinct is to handle all that is happening and do what you can to move forward.

There are patterns to life that repeat and sometimes the patterns are self-destructive.

Sometimes it takes a while for the flight or fight instinct to be turned off after dealing with trauma. Self-preservation is a strong instinct, to a certain extent it can show up in the patterns of our behavior. For instance, the stereotypical child with a failure to launch. Staying with their parents instead of going out into the world to seek their fortunes. Our society has gotten used to this to a certain extent because there are so many young adults who are finding it difficult to make a start in life. The reasons for this societal change could be expounded on but I want to make a point that this failure to launch is an instinctual flight from the scary and harsh world. Fight on the other hand can manifest itself in as overwork, restless dis-satisfaction with how things are and can appear to be the more virtuous of the two courses of action. Both patterns of behavior can be beneficial or self-destructive depending on the circumstances. On the one hand, someone who is staying with their parents could actively be facing the reality of life and using the resources they have as part of a well-planned strategy to have the best chance in life… or they could be zoning out, trying to avoid life by one form of distraction or another. On the other hand someone who is fighting could be making strides towards their goals in a well thought out and balanced way or they could be working endlessly trying to reach some point that they can’t define and burn out isolating themselves from the wonderful things that life has to offer besides for achievement.

I tend towards the fight end of things and that is the mode that I’ve been in well for most of my life. Sometimes more intensely than at other times. I isolate myself from others and it really is difficult for me to put down the books so to speak (stop studying) and just live, do things with others, be cheerful and happy. Laugh at myself and at the absurdity of life. Cry. Develop close relationships, have pet names and be thoughtful towards other people.