Choosing to join the Order Management Team

I am feeling a great deal of grief that I haven't let myself feel over what happened in May-July of this year (2012).

I had been a "Data Steward" I loved the challenge, though I was wearing myself out in the emotional investment I had in the position, and I had been offered a tentative permanent position as the team lead. This would include a trip to India to train a new team. Then I heard nothing more about it.

In the mean-time a guy in the office, a manager, stopped by my desk and talked to me about another position that was opening, in accounting, "Order Management." I felt that it would be foolish to not interview for the job so I did and was offered the position. I accepted.

Really I wanted to have heard from my current manager about how much I was going to be paid, the benefits, etc...

The whole thing sickened me. I felt cut off from what I truly loved, developing processes. I LOST the chance to go to India. To walk in my fiances ancestral lands, to meet his parents and sister. I lost the chance to reconnect with him, to feel close to him again.

I've not been as invested in my position as an Order Management Rep for these reasons. I've not been my usual self. I need to let go of the pain and look for possibilities again, this position is not what I love doing, I can do it, but I don't exactly love it. BUT I need to put more heart into it, and into developing talents that I truly love, AND look for the opportunities, they are out there... but hard to grasp if being done from inside a shell.

I can't do anything about the chance that I lost to go see my sweetheart in India. Visiting India looks like a dream at this point.

Emotional Processing

I'm reading a book called "The Bright Red Bow," I picked it up as a way to try sorting through my emotions as it's hard for me to get to the therapists office. One thing that I know about myself is that I tend to feel slightly disdainful/sarcastic about anything that seems hokey (like people joining hands and singing koombaya). So I had to put those thoughts/feelings on hold while the author describes going back in her mind to her 7 year old self to process the feelings she felt then when she was abused, and processing the feelings of her 11 month old self that was in an accident with her family... Now that I've read more about it though it's starting to make sense. I've done similar kinds of things to process and let go of my feelings before. One feeling/action that surfaces again and again in my life is withdrawl. I withdraw into a shell when I'm confronted with anger, disdain... when I can't get anyone to help me around the house and I'm hurt because no one seems to care, when I don't have a chance to talk through things with those I love, when I'm under stress. I berate myself, I blame others... all subtly, I used to be worse. Well I'm tired of letting those feelings stop me from being as loving as I should be, or proactive AND I'm tired of letting my hurt carry over to other people. Plus I'm tired of being an accomplice to my own abuse, allowing things to happen to me that I don't really want.

So I like this book. I'm going to keep reading it and clear my heart from past hurts.

My Geranium Boy

I started this blog as a way to vent my feelings about my frustrating marriage to my now ex husband. That marriage was a nightmare, I shut myself off to protect myself from the truth of it.

My goal was to have a good life, a good family and to be a good wife and Mother. Well, I was so miserable. Life was hard. We were poor and I couldn't get my budget to work, ever. I wanted to be a good example to my kids, so I went to school. That left me with very little time for them. I grew into a zombie.

There was always this search for perfection, ever grasping for it. But I couldn't find it.

On top of that my ex was abusive, angry, irritable...

I had no one to reach out to so I thought I would try to reach out anonymously to people on the internet through a blog. That's why this blog has never really had much about my kids on it, nor much about anything that I'm thinking or feeling... I guess it's been a rather dead blog.

My thoughts and feelings were being shared through my poetry. Very sparsely worded poetry. Not many people could see through it.

Ajey could. He got right to the heart of it. He got past my blocked off and numb state when I went through a crises in my marriage. He has been there for me ever since. When we were together in Australia I was myself around him, someone that has been hidden for a long time. We had big plans to be together, this year took a toll on that though. Too many realizations that us being together would mean sacrificing either my closeness to my family, or Ajey's closeness to his. I love his family too much to see them suffer. His Dad and Mom are such sweethearts and his AMAZING sister Ashi. I love her so much, she has seemed to me a little sister.

This has been so hard. Cutting things off. At first I didn't feel the pain as much. But it's been slowly building. I feel it now but it's tempered by his continuing friendship.

I had set up an online dating profile. I deleted it. I'm not ready to try moving on.

I miss my geranium boy Ajey.

How I feel - Trying to heal (censored)

I am posing a question to myself tonight. That is, why have I struggled with sexual intimacy? It is human nature to want to be close to other people. It is human nature to  be attracted to others. Simply I could say that I struggled with inattention, I wanted to be close to someone. I've ached for a long time to have a close friend while growing up. I was very lonely, as a young girl I had a hard time making friends, I would cry at night to my mom about it. I was picked on in school. I hid in the bathroom at recess, many times, or I would hide on the playground. I was never invited to play games with the other students. At home I felt abandoned as well. My mom was severely depressed, my dad was sometimes someone I could snuggle with and get love. But I grew to old for that. As I grew I started to have little boyfriends. I liked to kiss them, I liked to hold hands and be close. I wanted their attention, it made me feel like I mattered. As I got even older I had this longing, I wanted to be loved, I wanted a boyfriend who would love me, make me feel special. I thought it would solve my problems. I got their attention, some of them anyway. I didn't have sex with them, but kissed them a lot. All except my ex-husband. He was the most persistent, the most ardent, the one who took, and took and took from me. I wasn't strong and I really, really wasn't loving myself. There are many more cases where I've been weak.

I have made many mistakes. In the eyes of the world, in the eyes of people with "Faith" you could say that my behavior was all about weakness and sin. That I am a great sinner. That I still am and that to be redeemed I must repent.

YES, oh God I am a sinner. Yes. I understand repentance, I repent, but then the underlying cause has not been corrected. So I slip again.

The underlying cause is that I need to love myself. PLUS, now that I am an adult, and have finally made two close girl friends, I need to reach out to them.

I had learned that I should stay silent about my pain. I learned that because I used to pour it out on people. That was the wrong approach. I need to talk, but I needn't dump.

This is a rambly post. It is late, but I needed to write something about this.

As for now, I cut myself off from my fiance. Not because I didn't love him, I do, but for other reasons. Time, distance, a need for closeness, a fear of the unknown, and love for him and his family. They need him. AND I would have been a problem in their lives.

At the moment, I am vulnerable, this is why I needed to write. I've let myself be taken advantage of by my ex. He's in town and he's been persistent. So I take a look at myself and think, WHAT?? You know better.

I do know better. But

We have 4 kids together. I am having a hard time raising them on my own. I am fighting so hard to be independent and to be a mom but it is so hard. He breezes into town with a wallet full of money and he spends it on us. Then he cooks, gets the kids to clean, cleans the kitchen, takes them off to do things.

When he is gone it is back to work for me, back to school for the kids. Does this mean that I want to be with him? NO it just makes me realize how much I ache to be close to someone. How much I want to be held by someone who loves me. How much I need to have someone else there and how hard it is without that. It makes me realize how much more energy I need to somehow muster to defend the right. How I need to wake up my brain and my heart to give my kids my all.

I don't feel fit to be with anyone right now. I feel dirty. I question my own loyalty. I really need respect. I really need love. I am tired.

My Thoughts

I have had far too little time to think, especially time to be myself. Sam has been here the past few days, in some ways that has been a good thing, now that I'm out of the eternal foggy haze that I was once in and I can handle his sense of humor. It used to hurt when he would run off and spend his whole day with his friends, sadly, that doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm actually grateful for him being around in some ways... he gets the kids to clean, gets them to cook with him, and he cleans stuff up himself. This has made me realize how impotent I am at commanding attention with my kids, it hurts, I can hardly get them to listen to me at all. I struggle against the tide of inaction every day, trying to battle the overwhelming job of keeping the house clean and the kids fed and I'm only paddling with one oar. Paddling harder has not gotten me anywhere. It is hard to get the kids help because I get them when they are tired. I get them when I come home from work at 6:00 PM more or less and I am tired. I get them when I've been running and running on a treadmill and can't seem to get off. I'm frustrated. Having him here, making things easier for me basically, with the kids anyway, makes me question why I'm fighting so hard to go at this alone. He's over in Hawaii, making big time money, at ease... and I'm struggling to breathe.

The last person I had a spiritual connection with was Ajey. He brought me back to the belief I was raised with. He prayed with me and that felt really good. I know that he would have been a good priesthood holder, he is a good priesthood holder in his own way, where he is at. I let go of his hand though, I had a hard time maintaining the connection while struggling through the quicksand over here. We were supposed to hold on, we were planning so much together, The vision became clouded. The very fact that I couldn't email him, or call, or text more than here and there turned his heart away from me. I could feel it. Plus, I couldn't send him stuff, I've had things in the trunk of my car many months, I've bought lots of chocolate many times over and had it melt in my car because I couldn't leave work to go to the post office and I didn't have enough money to mail it. Plus I seemed ungrateful, mostly because I'm so picky and for some reason if something doesn't resonate with me I have a hard time tactfully showing gratitude for the thoughtfulness. I killed his spirit when he sent me a very thoughtfully packed box of soaps and powders, and essential oils. I was glad when I got the box, it smelled like cotton candy, but I couldn't use many of the items so I probably came across as ungrateful. No I know I did and I hurt his feelings. It has been one long year where little hurts have led up to a great emptiness inside both of us. I miss our talks.

I'm having a hard time with the idea of dating. What am I supposed to do date a bunch of guys looking for someone I click with? I already have had that with several different people. I have a hard time because I care about people, I don't want them to care about me if I can't fully return that. I don't feel like making the effort to keep up new relationships when I have these broken ones I'm sad about.
I made an online dating profile, put in an honest essay about who I am. I got guys offering me dates, BUT, they didn't look like the type of guys who like to develop relationships... they looked like they were after a pretty girl, OK SEX, that's the vibe I got. The decent looking ones live far away (in a different state), AND I don't really feel up to explaining my strong health beliefs, or up to trying to get some stupid guy to accept that I have 4 kids. AND I am poor, I'm not a gold digger but it would be nice to have someone there working with me to get somewhere. PLUS I don't like explaining what has happened with Sam, nor do I like the fact that he intimidates other guys.

I'm hurting inside. I feel like a sex object. I would really like to be wrapped up in someones arms and told how much I am loved. I am a hurt little girl, too big to be held by her Dad. I've lost the feeling of having Gods protection and guidance. I don't know if by my own sins, or by my wounded soul. I'm tired of blaming myself, of beging for forgiveness, especially when it seems that I will become that object again, I will lose control of myself and allow and/or seek that glittering piece of love from whomever is offering it and will fall into that again. A moments bit of relief and connection. Sometimes I want to curl up tight in my closet, like I did when I was a little girl. I want to curl up and cry but I can't because I have to fight, tuck all those emotions away and go about the business of trying to struggle up the sand again, hoping to do something good for my kids even though it seems to not work. I feel like my job is to solve word problems all day and I just can't seem to get the hang of it well enough to get excited about figuring out new ways to do the processes. I'm surviving, I know somewhat, or mostly what I'm doing... but I'm also stifled as well. I want to breathe. But I think the biggest part of the struggle with it is that I'm so tired. And Sad. And alone. I can get excited and driven about anything, if I feel supported and loved. Or I can become driven and self destructive, if I am trying to fight a battle of determination.

God forgive me for seeking tidbits of love. I need larger doses for sure.

SG

Thoughts 12/27/12

I have had far too little time to think, especially time to be myself. Sam has been here the past few days, in some ways that has been a good thing, now that I'm out of the eternal foggy haze that I was once in and I can handle his sense of humor. It used to hurt when he would run off and spend his whole day with his friends, sadly, that doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm actually grateful for him being around in some ways... he gets the kids to clean, gets them to cook with him, and he cleans stuff up himself. This has made me realise how impotent I am at commanding attention with my kids, it hurts, I can hardly get them to listen to me at all. I struggle against the tide of inaction every day, trying to battle the overwhelming job of keeping the house clean and the kids fed and I'm only paddling with one oar. Paddling harder has not gotten me anywhere. It is hard to get the kids help because I get them when they are tired. I get them when I come home from work at 6:00 PM more or less and I am tired. I get them when I've been running and running on a treadmill and can't seem to get off. I'm frustrated. Having him here, making things easier for me basically, with the kids anyway, makes me question why I'm fighting so hard to go at this alone. He's over in Hawaii, making big time money, at ease... and I'm struggling to breathe.

The last person I had a spiritual conection with was Ajey. He brought me back to the belief I was raised with. He prayed with me and that felt really good. I know that he would have been a good priesthood holder, he is a good priesthood holder in his own way, where he is at. I let go of his hand though, I had a hard time maintaining the connection while struggling through the quicksand over here. We were supposed to hold on, we were planning so much together, The vision became clouded. The very fact that I couldn't email him, or call, or text more than here and there turned his heart away from me. I could feel it. Plus, I couldn't send him stuff, I've had things in the trunk of my car many months, I've bought lots of chocolate many times over and had it melt in my car because I couldn't leave work to go to the post office and I didn't have enough money to mail it. Plus I seemed ungrateful, mostly because I'm so picky and for some reason if something doesn't resonate with me I have a hard time tactfully showing gratitude for the thoughtfulness. I killed his spirit when he sent me a very thoughtfully packed box of soaps and powders, and essential oils. I was glad when I got the box, it smelled like cotton candy, but I couldn't use many of the items so I probably came across as ungrateful. No I know I did and I hurt his feelings. It has been one long year where little hurts have led up to a great emptyness inside both of us. I miss our talks.

I'm having a hard time with the idea of dating. What am I supposed to do date a bunch of guys looking for someone I click with? I already have had that with several different people. I have a hard time because I care about people, I don't want them to care about me if I can't fully return that. I don't feel like making the effort to keep up new relationships when I have these broken ones I'm sad about.

I made an online dating profile, put in an honest essay about who I am. I got guys offering me dates, BUT, they didn't look like the type of guys who like to develop relationships... they looked like they were after a pretty girl, OK SEX, that's the vibe I got. The decent looking ones live far away (in a different state), AND I don't really feel up to explaining my strong health beliefs, or up to trying to get some stupid guy to accept that I have 4 kids. AND I am poor, I'm not a gold digger but it would be nice to have someone there working with me to get somewhere. PLUS I don't like explaining what has happened with Sam, nor do I like the fact that he intimidates other guys.

I'm hurting inside. I feel like a sex object. I would really like to be wrapped up in someones arms and told how much I am loved. I am a hurt little girl, too big to be held by her Dad. I've lost the feeling of having Gods protection and guidance. I don't know if by my own sins, or by my wounded soul. I'm tired of blaming myself, of beging for forgiveness, especially when it seems that I will become that object again, I will lose control of myself and allow and/or seek that glittering piece of love from whomever is offering it and will fall into that again. A moments bit of relief and connection. Sometimes I want to curl up tight in my closet, like I did when I was a little girl. I want to curl up and cry but I can't because I have to fight, tuck all those emotions away and go about the business of trying to struggle up the sand again, hoping to do something good for my kids even though it seems to not work. I feel like my job is to solve word problems all day and I just can't seem to get the hang of it well enough to get excited about figuring out new ways to do the processes. I'm surviving, I know somewhat, or mostly what I'm doing... but I'm also stifeled as well. I want to breathe. But I think the biggest part of the struggle with it is that I'm so tired. And Sad. And alone. I can get excited and driven about anything, if I feel supported and loved. Or I can become driven and self destructive, if I am trying to fight a battle of determination.

God forgive me for seeking tidbits of love. I need larger doses for sure.