Thursday, April 30, 2009

Friday Shoot-Outs

Well... This weeks post is about the local architecture. I am a terrible slacker!! I haven't gotten out to get the photo's that I want... but I have a teriffic book on the area, that I found in my Grandparent's basement.

This is the book about Provo and Orem (sister cities)



This is a house designed by Reed Smoot and prominent Utah architect Richard K.A. Kletting in 1892. Kletting lived in this residence until 1941. The Smoot family owned the residence afterward.



This house has been turned into a beautiful restaurant. Russell Hines built this house in 1894 on the corner of First South and Fourth West for his wife Kitty with money obtained in mining, real estate, and from the drugstore and saloon that he ran on the corner of Center Street and First West. Kitty, the daughter of a pioneer Mormon family, had raised local eyebrows when she married Russell, a gentile saloon owner. After her husband's death in 1989, she was a leading usinesswoman until she left for California in 1906.



The massive Gothic Revival tabernacle has stood as a landmark in downtown Provo for nearly a century. Construction began on the structure in 1883, although the building was not completed until the mid-1890's. There used to be a central tower, but it was removed when the roof colapsed under its weight.



This is a picture of the Mountain States Telephone Company Building or Ma' Bell.



Suprise!! Suprise!! When I recognized my grandmother on the far right in this picture. (Probably why she bought the book right? ;p)



She worked for Ma' Bell as a "head operator" for about 30 years!! I have several pieces of memorabilia from her including a cute little gold bracelet with tokens for every 5 years that she worked there. (This is my own photo... not out of the book).



This is a picture of the old Brigham Young Acadamy or BYA. It stood vacant for many years surrounded by a crude portable fence. I wrote about my impressions of it here.




These are off of the library's website.

Circa 1896



September 8, 2001



This is a shot (rather dark as the light was fading) of the old BYA building, renovated to become one of the best libraries Provo has ever had!! (With the exception of the BYU library).

Circa - This evening ;p



LAST OF ALL...

One of My Favorite Stores REAL FOODS MARKET!!



and... My Uncle Mo's (and girlfriend Callies) Cafe and Bar.

Callie's Cafe and Mo's Bar ;p

(It is really neat inside... so much western in so little space. I'll get a picture soon). :D




As Reggie Girl would say "Steady On!!"

Financial Stress Causes Meltdown!!

No not a headline from last year, but my own personal nightmare...

I've been working on this forever!! Almost had a breakthrough, almost...

It's been tying me to the computer, and as much as I like blogging and all of the other things tied to the computer I think its created a monster... muwahahaha!!

The quality of my life is helped by my dear friends who have been patient with me(e-mailing me even though I have been compulsive about it sometimes).

But who can argue with getting outside, to do all of the great outside things that are available to do?

So my monster financial nightmare must come to an end!! When it does I will be a serene and happy Strawberry Girl (Right?) after all I have garden centers to haunt.

River trails to walk on, parks to lay down and reflect endlessly on the universe in(alright I don't do this a lot, but who dosen't like reflecting on the universe from time to time?)

Plus getting back to my mind numbing list of recipe's that I want to adapt to Gluten Free versions and figuring out new ways to be an innovative earth friendly girl are also things that have been put on hold...

All because... (ok I won't go into a rant about why I am stuck on the computer deciphering transactions from last year... your all acquainted I think with several rants I've had on this subject).

Now after a day joyfully filled with deciphering the undecipherable I have created a hastily drawn Kinky Boot Beast (a character from many stories in my past, and my defender against Johns terrible fire breathing dragons that he keeps letting lose...).

A Piece From Anne of Green Gables

I've decided to reread Anne of Green Gables (again). One of my favorite parts is near the beginning. Besides for her idea of sleeping in a wild cherry tree, dreaming of marble halls, I love her description of "The Avenue" renamed "The White Way of Delight" by Anne. This is one of the examples of why I love Lucy Maude Montgomery's works...

"The 'Avenue,' so called by the Newbridge people, was a stretch of road four or five hundred yards long, completely arched over with huge, wide-spreading apple-trees, planted years ago by an eccentric old farmer. Overhead was one long canopy of snowy fragrant bloom. Below the boughs the air was full of a purple twilight and far ahead a glimpse of painted sunset sky shone like a great rose window at the end of a cathedral aisle."

"It's beauty seemed to strike the child dumb. She leaned back in the buggy, her thin hands clasped before her, her face lifted rapturously to the white splendor above. Even when they ha passed out and were driving down the long slope to Newbridge she never moved or spoke. Still with rapt face she gazed afar into the sunset west, with eyes that saw visions trooping splendidly across that glowing background."

"She came out of her reverie with a deep sigh and looked at him with the dreamy gaze of a soul that had been wandering afar star-led."

"...It satisfied me here"-She put one hand on her breast-"it made a queer funny ache and yet it was a pleasant ache."


This little piece is really how I feel when I come across something beautiful. I guess you could call it a spiritual appreciation of beauty... there have been sunsets and sunbursts, mountains highlighted in stark relief against the sky, and light filtered down through a multitude of greenery which have all made me feel this way. Plus a few authors as well have made me feel as though I have seen a marvelous work, as though the sun has burst forth over the horizon. Though not many works touch me in that way.

Tomorrow- Friday Shoot outs... I have a couple of original pictures. One of a favorite store (with a whole foods philosophy) and one of my Uncle Mo's (and his girlfriend Callies) Cafe and bar. As for the rest of the pictures, I have a book that has pictures from this area... since I haven't been able to get down town I'm going to scan some of them in (and I'll get original photo's later on). ;p

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Appreciating Art

There is something magical about the arts. A transference of emotion a piece of soul on display.

I have heard some cynical comments made by unappreciative people... in this vein, "my three year old can do that, we should let a bunch of kids loose and then sell it to those idiots who pay a ton of money for junk like that."

Well, that may be true. A piece of art can look random, like paint splattered carelessly across a canvas. Or words strung together to sound nice.

Or that paint could be the anger that the artist felt, and their painting a display of emotion.

A picture could be randomly taken from space, or it could be a piece of beauty that caught someones eye that they want to share with others.

Yes words can be strung together insincerely, or even by a computer. Or they could be something deeply felt, and thoughtfully written in the hope that someone else understands.

A song can be sung by rote, because everyone is singing. Or it can be a deeply felt connection with others. (Like singing the Star Spangled Banner shortly after 9-11).

To connect with others, appreciate a bit of beauty. That is art.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Sprouted Millet (re-newed Intrest)

I was reading my friend Nara's blog (In Search of a Greener Tomorrow) and he linked with a girl who cooked traditional Indian foods (which is of interest to me). :D

She described how they use sprouted millet as a baby food over there, a porridge and a generally healing type of food.

Of course being the ever inquisitive (and always willing to try) health nut that I am I broke open my sack of Organic millet to try this out. First I scooped about 3 cups of it into a big bowl and let it soak for a while. Finding that it was fermenting oddly I spread it out in my tray sprouter to see if I could revive it. Nope, I ended up with stinky moldy millet (with a few sprouts). So I thought I did it wrong and put a thin layer in each tray (of new millet) and have been rinsing this every day. Again, I am faced with trays of stinky millet (with a few hairy and a couple of suspicious red ones) to deal with.

So as usual, (having failed at my experiment) I went online to find out how to do it. (I know I should have saved myself some time and looked it up in the first place, but I'm impetuous).

So the down-low info. on sprouting millet is that you need un-hulled millet (I definitely have hulled). But I did find quite a bit of interesting information on millet. It is believed to help those with ulcers, stomach conditions, and helps rebuild connective tissues and ease arthritis pain. It is a very healthy, very tasty grain!! As soon as I have some money, I'm going to order it off of the internet unhulled (organic and all ya' know). :D

Here's a link to a web-site about the health benefits of millet, as well as info on sprouting it. http://www.herbsarespecial.com.au/free-sprout-information/millet.html

(That reminds me... I need to look up information on Kombucha tea and how to care for your SCOBY, before my friend graciously gives me another one. Since i've been inadvertently killing them off, *grins guiltily*).

OH Yeah, and Wahoo!! A raw food store has opened up about 3 blocks away. They have the best food and even classes!! (Though I am definitely not a whole hearted "raw foodist", I do enjoy the health benefits of such food and would like to know how to prepare it better). :D

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Natural Shampoo

In the search for the perfect shampoo, I have had many pitfalls. When I became aware of all the harmful chemicals in most shampoos, I started to look for an off-brand, natural shampoo. I have been using an organic shampoo called Giovanni and its been a alright, since I couldn't find anything else (I've tried at least 10 different brands), but I think I have finally found a good brand. MERA Naturals!! YEAH!! My hairs so soft and smells good too!! :D

This brand is completely natural, not one little bit of junk!

I know Loida of 2L3B's has talked about this before, since she discovered that there is all sorts of bad stuff in Johnsons Baby shampoo (I have found Burts Baby Bees Shampoo to smell the same without the bad stuff btw), so I wanted to share my little discovery. :D (Loida - I have tried leaving comments on your posts several times but it always kicks them out and sends me an e-mail... so sorry you haven't heard from me. BTW excellent job on the Friday Shoot outs last friday!!)

Here's a great web-site about shampoo's (I started out looking for what the Native Americans used, then found the web-site and remembered my find!!). :D

http://www.copperwiki.org/index.php/Shampoo

Rainy Day Special

The rain today is so friendly, nice and warm. It has been raining steadily throughout the day, sometimes drizzling, sometimes pouring. I wonder sometimes if atmospheric pressure can be felt before the rain because I usually get a bit stressed and headachy before it rains, then when it rains I always feel nice and calm (or maybe its just the sound of the rain and the beautiful fresh smells).

Here's the rainy day story that I promised...

All day Daniel and I had been working on our box house. Dad had brought home several large refrigerator boxes and we had been happily putting them to good use.

I ran into the house for more tape and scissors while Daniel was happily cutting away at some parts of the boxes.

I ran quickly dashing up the stairs, opening and closing the drawers that you could usually find scissors in. Until finally I found some in my moms room in the little tin that she kept on her dresser.

I was anxious to get back out again before Daniel did something that I didn't want him to do, so I ran right past the refrigerator where we kept the tape. I stopped with my hand on the door knob and turned back quickly, scraping over a chair as I walked over to the refrigerator.

Standing on tip toes I searched the top of the refrigerator hoping to spy the tape quickly, there was so much stuff that I had to move it around.

Frustrated I put the scissors down and the anxiety in my stomach built as I imagined Daniel having all of the fun while I was rifling through the stuff on the refrigerator.

I had to take some of it down and put it on the table, in order to open the cupboard door. Finally I found some tape, hiding in a basket, so I snatched it up and heedless of the mess ran outside with my tape and scissors.

Daniel had cut out several windows and an opening for a door. I cut strips of tape to make hinges for the door and deftly applied them. As we worked we imagined all sorts of amazing rooms for our house, a second level, and a kitchen.

Then when we ran out of cardboard (and not finding any more after several search missions), we excitedly formed a plan to sleep out in our playhouse. Energized by our idea we cleaned up all of the stray pieces of tape and brought tape and scissors into the house, where we dumped it all on the kitchen table.

We ran up to our moms room "Mom! Can we sleep out in the playhouse we made." Mom gave us a stern look, "Did you clean up the mess?" We unabashedly told her we had (with the thought of quickly cleaning up the kitchen), then we heard the familiar words "Go ask your Dad." Which we generally liked to turn into a vote in our favor.

So we ran out to the backyard searching for our Dad. Daniel stood back and let me ask him, "what does your mom say?" I immediately answered that she said that we could. He warned us that it looked like it was going to rain, but we shrugged it off, sure that our fantastic house would keep us dry.

"Alright, I don't think you'll make it through the night. You'll come on in if it starts raining, OK?" We scoffed "were not going to need to come in the house, our play house is water proof!" Then we ran into the house to gather up our stuff, blankets, sleeping bags, pillows. Plus some books and snacks (in case we got hungry).

After dinner, we helped Dad locate the remote so that we could watch the news with him. This was a generally enjoyable thing to do because he liked to tease my mom by flipping the channels while the commercials were on and it was funny to hear bits and pieces from the different shows and commercials flash past.

"Friday!, well!, in other..., amazing, travel abroad, only $19.95!, carpet." Mom would huff at dad, "Jon, stop!" and his sly grin told us that he was teasing her.

When it was time for bed we went to get our pajamas on and brushed our teeth. Then made a big show of going off to our own home, our parents ignored the dramatics, "alright, have a good night."

We marched out to our "house" and settled in, snuggling down in the blankets we started talking and imagining things. We told a few ghost stories, then knelt down on top of our blankets to say a little prayer, acting as grown up as possible we thought.

Finally we settled in and dozed fitfully for a while in our uncomfortable positions. The next awareness that I had was the sound of the rain pitter pattering upon the roof of our little house.

Then the smell of the rain and of damp cardboard, I turned over and snuggled down in my blankets a bit more, ignoring the rain since I didn't want to go into the house. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, drowsily snuggling against my pillow.

Then I felt a drop and this served to wake me further. I lay there ignoring the drip, drip, drip coming down onto my shoulder until I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Daniel," I whispered. "Are you awake?" I kind of knew the answer since I had felt a shift in his awareness. "Yeah," he answered. "There's a leak, what should we do?"

He shuffled around and I shuffled around looking for a piece of extra cardboard to slip in the roof to cover the hole. Finally we got the hole covered and shivering we huddled closely for warmth, but we were stubborn kids and didn't want to go in the house.

We dozed a bit, until we heard another drip, drip, we shoved a blanket in that one. Then settled in again, drip, drip, another blanket was put into the hole. Our teeth were chattering, and we were clinging to our blankets in cold desperation.

Finally an idea came to me, "lets move the house under the carport." We got out and felt the downpour in full force. Stubbornly we picked up our little playhouse and brought it under the carport, then climbed back in.

Our blankets were wet, our pillows were damp and cold. We lay there a few minutes then almost simultaneously felt like going in. "Let's go in!" I told Daniel. He was already scrambling out of our cardboard doorway and I followed closely behind him, the sky outside was starting to lighten through the rain.

The house was silent in the predawn hours, but warm. We congratulated ourselves for making it through the night. It was five in the morning, we sat down at the table all full of childish happiness at our feat then decided to pour ourselves some orange juice.

Sitting across from Daniel I drank my juice and grinned at him, then rubbed my cold nose, "I'm going to go back to bed, how about you?" He enthusiastically agreed and we ran to our rooms. My bed never felt so warm and cozy to me then it did at that moment. :D

Friday, April 24, 2009

I Love a Rainy Night

Well, I figured that I needed to post something (since the last post was so intense). But I just don't have a lot to say today.

I went on a beautiful walk with the kid's and took quite a few pictures (that I've made a slideshow of, but I want to get a few more shots).

It is raining outside...

and I have a story to tell about the rain, but I am just too sleepy right now. So I will tell you all about the harrowing experience of my brother and I in the rain another time. ;p

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Celiac Disease a Love/Hate Relationship!!

Things I HATE about having Celiac disease...

I feel like an odd duck



I don't get to eat cake!!



(Unless it's Gluten Free - It tastes the same but it's hard to have it available for every function).

People Don't Believe Me - They Think It's In My Head



(Because they haven't heard of it... who's allergic to wheat?)

Reaction to Gluten? or The Flu?



What I LIKE about having Celiac Disease...

Zero Temptation to eat most candy, cakes, rolls, bread. Unless GF, and that's easy to control, cause' it's not always around!! A dieters best friend... :D


(It's not will-power I just hate feeling sick)

Cooking Gluten Free is Easy!! -









Just like mixing up a cake (you just spread out pizza dough, pour bread dough into the bread pan... no kneading - Easy!!)Plus Gluten Free folks have figured out how to make every type of flour based food, GF)

I FEEL GREAT!! (Most of the Time) :D

I found out if I was allergic for $100 dollars through Enterolabs. I was allergic, my son wasn't... I was glad that I found out.

I'm going to add my favorite Gluten Free Bloggers (and web-sites) to my GF cooking blog... (You can find my blog from my profile or from clicking on the apron on the sidebar below).

Honest Scrap Award


The Honest Scrap Award From Pam

The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or 2. Firstly you have to tell your readers 10 things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly you have to tag 10 people with the award."

Thank you Pam for the award...

Here are 10 random things about me:

1. I like hanging out at the river (and even jump in once in a while).

2. I have a Bachelors degree in accounting.

3. I want to learn how to speak in Tongan, Spanish and Italian.

4. I want to learn how to draw and paint.

5. I want to improve my singing. (Even have a CD from a professional voice coach, Lalalala)

6. I cook, and I love it, but I am sometimes random about it!!

7. I have poor eyesight but I can see other things well. ;D

8. There are two little critters (who are sort of crazy cats) who hang around my house. One's named Stormy, a little boy kittie who I like to call Storm Cloud (just to mock him a bit) The other is Stripes a LOUD little girl kittie (Who I call Strip Stripes cause everyone needs a nick name).

9. I like the Mr. Men book series and Little Ms. By Roger Hargreaves (who wouldn't like these books?)

10. I have a tendency to become obsessed with projects then to go totally flat on whatever I was doing before. (Sort of like my Dad... the house still isn't painted).


I am tagging 10 of my favorite people:

John

Star

Nara

-A-C-

Sonja

Sarah

Renee

Michelle

Aimee

Julene

Attack of the Zombie Chickens!!!

I have a sneaking suspicion that my Zombie chicken is hidding out under my bed... how else do you explain all of the scratching around down there (er, I guess it could be my cats...).

Anyhow...

I have had a Zombie Chicken award bestowed upon me by John over at Smoke Rings and Matterings (and the mattering is quite a big part of his blog so go check it out.

As for the award...

The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken-excellence, grace, and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, these amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least five other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by not choosing wisely or not choosing at all.

1. Pam over at Finding Pam

2. Kelsey at Shishi-o-blog (I am sure she's thrilled, I mean who wouldn't want a Zombie Chicken around?)

3. Reggie Girl at Midlife, Meopause, and random stuff

4. Clone Girl at Real Fake

5. Patty at A Diary Left Open

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Gray Hairs Don't Mar Beauty

Sam's Grandparents




One of the most beautiful woman that I know is Sam's Grandmother Pine (just look at her smiling at a present, even though she didn't need it). The name Pine is pronounced Pi (I sounds like E) Ne - Not like the tree. :D

We went to visit them quite a bit when they lived near us, but they have gone back to Tonga.

What makes her beautiful? You might ask.

When I met her I was scared of her, her and Grandpa Sungalu didn't like me at the time, they didn't like many "Palangi's."

After getting to know them I have grown to love them and I know they love me as well.

Grandma Pine is just about the most loving lady that I know. She spent long hours watching over my husband when he was growing up, if he was sick she would stay up all night and care for him, placing cool towels on his face.

She is a healer, a true healer. She has an intimate knowledge of the medicinal plants of Tonga and has used them in remarkable ways.

Sam burnt his face once, when he was doing a fire dance and used the wrong type of fuel to blow at the fire with.

She made a really stinky poultice and covered his face, changing it often. All of the hair was burnt off and they didn't think that it would grow back, but it did, you can hardly tell that it was burnt.

She also cared for one of Sam's nieces who had leukemia. She had been in the hospital for many months, and they thought she would die. They sent for Grandma, she called Tonga and asked for different types of plants. She stayed with the little girl giving her the Tongan cure and she recovered!!

What I absolutely know is that Grandma Pine cares, very deeply. She cries really easily, I don't know how many times I have sat listening to Sam talk with her in Tongan as she weeped freely, wiping her eyes with some type of cloth.

When I look at her, I don't see the age so much as I see the kindness. She is absolutely beautiful.

Grandpa as well is like this, Sam has gone many times to them to have them knead his sore muscles and Grandpa helped Sam heal his foot after a Rugby injury.

They do this pressing, rubbing thing to eliminate the bad blood, I think it works!

He is a really funny guy!! A couple of years ago he was seriously ill, he had to have quadruple bypass surgery, he was diagnosed with diabetes. The doctor said that he must have a "big heart" because he didn't know why it was still beating.

We visited frequently during this time, everyone was preparing for a funeral, but he suprised us all. When brought our children over, the kids would run in and give their grandparents hugs and an "Uma" on the cheek (my kids don't learn the word "kiss" until later, we teach them it's an "Uma" and thats what they call it).

Sione, (which incidentally means Jon in Tongan), was really a big comfort to them as he looks and acts so much like Sam, the little boy they raised... Sione would play around with Grandpa even when the rest of us were scared to get him worked up.

I remember one time, Sione started to "Pillow fight" with Grandpa and to our surprise Grandpa, fought back and played quite a while.

This was something that Sam's Grandparents treasured, being treated as themselves, not as some old decrepit people. Sione is still there favorite, they miss him fiercely.

It was hard for them over here though, they lived in a little trailer home, and although Sam's aunt took care of them (and her daughter)they were more alone and worse off than if they were in Tonga.

We took them food many times, they were really poor, but they still longed to be back in Tonga. So after a lot of discussion it was decided that they should go back.

To everyone's surprise, when Grandpa Sungalu started eating Tongan food again, fish, roots, whole foods, he has regained his strength and is now walking around normally again.

He has told me that he is waiting for me to come and visit them in Tonga before they die. We are so poor, the thought of not getting to visit makes me sad. But life can surprise you sometimes. Like growing to love people who are not originally your family, someone who you were scared of at first and I do love them.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

How does the brain work?

Let me pose a question to you... how does the brain work?

I was thinking about that today, going through my shopping and tonight as I went up to help with A's volleyball team.

I have noticed certain things. There was a time when I thought about where I should hold my arms when I was walking, in order to avoid looking weird.

Is that so odd of a thing to think? Well yes if you are someone who is able to walk along with confidence, who's movements come naturally.

I find these kinds of differences fascinating, because of the marked change that I have felt from really anxious about spatial awareness to moving freely, without inhibition.

Having grown up with one awareness and finding myself in another awareness has completely blown me away.

A clear example of what I mean is the difference between how I feel about being out in the middle of a volleyball court with a bunch of little girls, helping them develop volleyball skills and the way that I felt as a high schooler in GYM trying to develop volleyball skills myself.

In high school, for me the difficult thing was focus. It was not that I was disrespectful to the teacher, or that I was dumb. I just had to focus really hard to do simple things. Walk down the hallway, open my locker, read my textbook, listen to the teacher.

My spatial awareness was terrible as well, it would make me nervous to have a lot of people around partially because I was unsure of being able to walk down the hallway with out tripping or even, I realise now, veering around (though this was only a slight feeling).

I really struggled, I tried so hard but it was really difficult for me. One thing that I noticed was that I was dizzy all of the time, another was a sensation of ringing in my ears.

My mom brought me to the doctors but the stuff they gave me didn't work or made me sick. I was depressed, it was awful being in a room with a bunch of my peers and feeling like I stuck out like a sore thumb.

Everything swirled in fuzziness, I never felt like I woke up in the morning and I couldn't really sleep at night. It was like my brain wouldn't shut off, I couldn't relax, like I was wired or something.

So volleyball, in high school, was not a pleasant experience. First of all I felt really awkward in my gym shorts. Then although I would pay close attention to the coach, trying to follow what she was explaining to us, I could not "get it" when I stood up to do something.

I could not hit, I could not serve, is there any way that I could possibly be able to "Spike" the ball, there is no way. When I stood there trying to serve a shaky panic would start. I would hold the ball with one hand and then rotate my arm around awkwardly, usually hitting my own hand. The ball would veer around oddly, and all of the girls would laugh, they were NOT kind.

I wonder if my cousin suffered from the same malady because she couldn't get it either. We were the ones who always tried to come up with excuses to avoid gym.

I was always in awe of those people who could easily move through the volleyball routine and the way they could powerfully serve and spike...

Running as well was a really hard thing to do, it was literally painful from the first step. My lungs would cease up, my head would ache, my heart would pound in my ears.

Needless to say, in high school I was considered a complete outcast. I had some friends here and there and the constant companionship of my cousin Pam, but it was still a hard thing to deal with.

Someone might be tempted to say that the anxiety that I felt during volleyball, in high school was caused by an awareness of the other students and their teasing. To some extent that is true.

In another situation, with say, some innocent little kids I should find that I am perfectly at ease, right? They wouldn't have some reason to tease me, or dislike me, being that I am an adult and all and nice.

Well, this has not been the previous case. It has been universally hard for me to speak with, joke around with, relate to, even little kids. It is an odd feeling, a feeling of inferiority to everyone else. Not even being able to stop little kids from doing something that they shouldn't, commanding no authority, garnering no respect.

There is something that is communicated from one person to another, body language I guess, that tells people how to deal with you. If the vibes that you put out are of being unsure of yourself, then others will not listen to you.

I was conceptually aware of this before, but was not able (mostly) to pull out the body language needed to speak with confidence. I was asked one Sunday to substitute in my daughters Sunday School class.

Not wanting to appear selfish I accepted, but inside I was panicking. They gave me the manual and left me in the room with all of these 8 year old kids. So I sat there and the kids immediately knew that I was not in control of the situation.

So they started acting up, teasing each other, randomly standing up to draw on the white board. I mustered my strength and got them to listen, marginally, we got through it but I wouldn't way that I was someone that kids naturally identified with as being in charge.

If I tried to joke around with them, they gave me this look, like... "is there something wrong with you?" So I left my nervous jokes at the door and just tried to get through the lesson, which was a bit disconnected (and not just because I was handed the manual without preparation).

So all of this is me leading up to how I feel most of the time now (not always, there's an explanation but I will save it for later).

When shopping, I can navigate the isles easily not worrying about bumping into something (a big worry before). Plus I am able to joke around with others, holding an engaging conversation on the spot. Not something that I was able to do before, I usually would get my stuff and leave before the panic set in.

I walked into the gym with my daughter, noticing the difference in the feelings that I was having. That the space didn't seem to be enormous, that I didn't feel apprehensive being there, I was comfortable with myself.

Someone passed me the ball and I joked around with them a bit, dashing it back to them with a pop up. I yelled encouraging things to the kids (and they didn't think I was lame).

They listened to me when I made a comment about the need to be aware of who was closer to the ball. Then since the coach of the team didn't need my help right then, I went off to the other net to see what it felt like to play around with the ball a bit.

I popped it up into the air, doing this over and over, I was actually aware of where the ball was going to be, it was easy. I practised serving it, and hitting it with my arms. I actually "Spiked" it!! My muscles are tired... after the practise was over I felt the endorphins running around, it actually felt like a workout for my mind as well.

This is what changed in my life. I eliminated refined foods (I eat only a few select ones), and I eliminated gluten. I also started eating more organic foods and some exotic foods such as goji berries. But I have found that for the most part what makes the difference is normal fruits and vegetables, fats from naturally fed animals and meat from naturally fed (grass fed beef or free range chicken) paying attention to how I prepare the food and avoiding my "triggers."

I avoid judging others based solely on their behavior, their awkwardness, their inabilities.

Football stars, didn't get that way because they are special. People don't have amazing abilities because they are better than everyone else. What they have going for them is that their bodies have different genetics, they react differently to food I guess.

An allergy to gluten is highly genetic as well as other types of tendencies, a lot of people in my family have similar problems to what I have, ADD, depression, even Autistic tendencies. My aunt is manic depressive, a lot of my cousins struggle with ADD, my brothers have ADD. I am not sure about my mom or my sister.

So on the whole I look past awkwardness. What matters to me is the way that a person treats others. I tolerate snobby people to only a small extent, I don't really judge them either, though I find that I am saddened when I run into bad attitudes. I think that even they can have all sorts of factors that explains why they are the way they are.

I am really glad that I found something that makes me feel better, though I still struggle a bit with certain things, sometimes if I get an attack of insecurity, if I am having a hormonal attack or I have ate something I shouldn't have, I have to put more effort into my self confidence and I have to concentrate harder to do simple things. Overall though there is a very noticeable difference due to the fact that I am not dizzy all the time and I usually have a clear head.

The one big thing that makes me sad, is that while trying to discover what was wrong with me, my mom (and family in general) thought I had lost my mind and that I just randomly decided not to eat certain things. That what I think about things is some kind of delusion and my theories are all up in my head. Basically, my mom especially, distrusts anything that I tell her about food or about how I eat.

I cannot help that, she's come around quite a bit since my little niece has problems with gluten as well (clear intestinal problems), its still a hard thing to deal with though, the disbelief. It's fear of change more than anything I think.

~Darn it I ruined the rice again!! (I am always doing that when I get distracted) :D

Love to ya all...

~Strawberry Girl

Quirky ol' Fate (Possible Job)

Well today's been interesting. Nice weather, though it makes me realise how much the house needs cleaning. :D

So I've been cleaning whenever possible... then I ran up to my favorite health food stores. Bought some good ol' fashioned raw milk (I love having a store nearby to get it from) and stocked up a bit on some staples, I try to buy in bulk whenever possible.

When I got out to my car I found that my phone had somehow been left in the little box between seats, it was ringing and I got to it too late. It was Good Earth, first there was a message that my bulk items were there (really?) :D

Next a message that they wanted me to come take the test again for wellness councilor (someone who works with supplements) YIPPEE!! I knew that the lady who interviewed me before liked me... it was a fluke that I had a headache and couldn't for the life of me remember that Shark Cartilage and MSM are good for joint problems...

Anyway, I'm going to study up tonight and call them tomorrow. Lucky I have a good short term memory... I do know certain things that help with other things but I sometimes forget the name of it on the spot. But from my college days I've learned how to get just that extra bit of info in your head before taking a test. Plus I took the test before and can remember a few things that I never thought to supplement for - YAY!!

Plus I have to give my husband some Props... I didn't think that he would study as hard as he is, or that he would do so well on his test... but he got a B+ today on his test!! GO SAM!!

I was a bit worried about it because he's not into books. In fact he totally blew off a chemical hazard training manual that he had to read (for working in the army depot) that really worried me when he did that!!

So things have been improving with him... I am glad!! Hopefully we will have money coming in soon (besides the measly unemployment).

Now I am going to go cook up some Sweet and Sour chicken, yum... though if the Tempeh (cultured soy stuff) tastes good (and doesn't bug my body) I will try eating more of that kind of thing and less meat... (last time I tried that kind of experiment, it did not go well).

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Stroll at Midnight

Out for a nice little walk with Roxie, plug her into her stroller and tuck a fuzzy blanket up around her.

We start off together into the fresh Spring air. Finally Spring, another dose of it anyway after the twists and turns of the moody Utah weather.

Walking, steadily, over bumps in the sidewalk, around mailboxes and trash cans, someone has left a broken coffee table kneeling at an angle, missing some of its legs.

The train whistle off in the distance is part of the fabric, a thread of sound connected with the steady clickity clack of the stroller.

We pass by some students, some in a group, chatting and laughing, another gazing in appreciation at the stars as he stands outside his friends house waiting for the door to be answered.

The stars, I can't help gazing too, veering off the sidewalk a bit at times as I walk and stare at the patterns and twinkling, the different hues and brightnesses. It is awe inspiring to be a part of it all.

We turn the corner and walk along the usually busy main road that connects all of the little side streets. Now eerily empty, lit by the tall streetlamps, shining a fuzzy orange glow.

With caution I approach the cross walk and try to peer around the cars parked on the street, it is difficult since the angle is awkward.

So with a bit of trepidation I walk out going slowly in case a car with a little too much speed and a little too much confidence decides to spin around the roundabout at the left, down the street.

I glance left then right and run across, unsure of my luck on the seemingly deserted street.

Then I follow along on the uneven, broken sidewalk which is lifted in places by tree roots and cluttered by trash and other debris. The air though is so clean, it feels good to be out.

I look about appreciatively at the cherry trees in bloom, at the peaceful desertion of the streets, the whole night serenity of the neighborhood.

I breath in the different scents in the air, damp earth, trees in bloom, and laundry softener, carried to me by the wind.

I can smell Suavital, a memory of a friend is evoked, how funny that scent can do that. So vivid the memory, it makes me reflect a bit, about times gone past.

I am brought back to attention by the need to cross into the street, so I lower the front wheels of the stroller and cross, then turn down a favorite part of the neighborhood, where many friends reside.

I see that Susan has her little vegetable garden started, good for her, we still need to get ours planted, on the agenda, again. We cross the street again, where a few towering pines grow and a little stream flows.

I squat next to Roxie and follow the stream with my eyes, it flows calmly, rippling over the little rocks in the bed. The sound of water tinkles in my ears and I am mesmerized until Roxie tells me "enough mommy," so I get going again.

Only to find that a glorious cherry tree is in bloom in the next yard. It looks so friendly and inviting I just want to embrace it. So I get up close and touch the blossoms with my finger tips and smell them appreciatively.

Moving on I spy another such tree across the street, this one's fate is sadder, it has fallen prey to the heavy snows of last week and several large branches are down. The sight makes me sad a little, so I go over to it, to commiserate with the tree a bit.

The blossoming branches lay drooping on the ground and I wish that I could restore them again. Again the urge to embrace the drooping branches comes to mind as a friend would to cheer up another.

I let Roxie get up close and she pats the flowers a bit. I break off a little branch, the main branch will die soon, it makes me sad to think of it. But I feel happy to have a little piece of beauty to carry with me as I stroll along.

We turn back and I notice other broken trees, hurt by the capriciousness of winter in the middle of Springs proceedings.

Back walking towards my home again I sigh as the stars twinkle and remember a friend. A friend who describes stars as the twinkling of a dream and this makes me smile.

Back across the street, the busy deserted street, flowing with ghost cars. I park the stroller and bring Roxie and her blanket inside. To curl up in a room comfortable from the open window, and air that smells like spring.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Aunt Mary Carter...

My Aunt Mary passed away today, she was a really nice lady. I guess she was my great aunt, my Uncle Wess's wife. Uncle Wess passed away about 10 years ago and Aunt Mary has been heartbroken ever since, hopefully they are together now.

My Uncle was about the first person that I tried to draw, I ended up drawing him from a picture and I think it was a fairly good attempt.

My Grandmother kept it up in her keepsake box, but we couldn't find it after she passed away. (My Grandpa was really OCD about throwing stuff out and hiding stuff, took us forever to find Grandmothers rings...)

Somehow a little painting that I did, full of color, of a girl carrying a basket on her head, has also disappeared (I think I have a picture or it hanging on my wall).

Hopefully someone in the family is enjoying them, Uncle Mo... Cousin Kerry??? :D... better than at the dump.

Aunt Mary was being cared for by the Indian son that they adopted. I never really knew him too well because he is about my dad's age and kind of shy.

I'm not sure when the funeral will be, it might be at our old chapel though... I would like to see it, but it is under somber circumstances.

It is at times like these when I am reminded that I need to get to know my family a bit better... then I can help out. I guess its a generational thing, most of her kids grew up with my dad, and I don't know their kids that well. I guess I will ask my Dad what he's doing to help (cause' he is always helping)...

Note to self...

There are moments, after many confused days, when you look in the mirror and realise that you are sabatoging yourself.

When the goals that you've set are still out of reach because letting go of the past is too hard.

When you are still angry even when you have said that you were not and your angry at yourself for being angry.

When you avoid doing things because it means that you can avoid facing things.

When you are passively-aggressive towards your self.

Thus you push away some people, people that you don't know how to deal with. They may be there, but you've distanced yourself from them, and they distance themselves from you. It's all a bunch of distance that you can't break through because...

You are avoiding doing things to avoid facing things.

You are still angry even when you have said that you were not and your angry at yourself for being angry.

There is a different version of yourself out there. One who is able to get past things and move on.

Sometimes you've got to face things... can you?

Classical Music and Colds

I had some sort of stomach flu yesterday, today my heads a bit groggy, so I brought out some classical music to help me feel better...

Listening to Vivaldi right now... I love "Spring" from the four Seasons. I also like the sound of "Summer" some parts of it sound like the rushing of the river. Kind of like the way I feel when running along the river trail.

The thing about classical music, is that there are pieces out there that I like, but I don't remember who the artist was. So that's annoying grrr... I took a music appreciation class in college and some of the classical music that was required listening was so fantastic!! Unfortunantly I couldn't afford to keep the CD's, quite expensive.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Bits and Pieces

(Some bits and pieces... from my Live Journal Account - 2005)

November 2005,

All is peaceful right now, there isn't a creature that would dare stir outside as it is very cold. The heat is turned up but it is irritating because the upstairs of our duplex gets very hot and that is where our rooms are located.

Some nights I alternate between fitfully trying to find a cold piece of metal to cool down my feet (such as my bed post) to throwing the covers off and racing to the bathroom for a drink of water, to stumbling down the stairs to fall asleep on the couch.

It is also murderous for my skin which is dry in some parts and oily in other's. Sometimes though I like the solitude of winter, it is refreshing to think that the world is taking a break for a while.

I love it when the snow falls outside of my window, especially when there are large flakes. It is so enjoyable to curl up in a fluffy blanket and drink a cup of hot cocoa.


Thoughts (While depressed and in school)

It is strange how people live in their heads. I wake up in the morning and stumble into the bathroom to put in my contacts. During school I have the distressed feeling that I have a lot to do, not enough time and that I am never doing enough.

I feel like everyone is more on top of things than I am, that they understand the subject more, that they are smarter, better looking, etc. . . . I had to take a break this semester, I had too many of these feelings and needed to get back to feeling whole, like I mattered and knew myself.

Since I don't have school to keep my mind occupied I invent things to do. I currently embarked on a lengthy project to organize my life, including my cook books, with the cook book project over I now look around and see all the things wrong in my home that I want to fix.

I feel so apathetic, nothing really bad is happening to me, nothing really good. Is it wrong to wish for something to happen? Maybe I would be cursed with some horrible tragedy.

Sometimes I know I am depressed, I look up at the world glumly and think "Yeah i'm depressed," so how do I change that. It is the worst thing to feel that way when you are in the middle of school, school has a way of sucking the life out of you and making you feel like a loser.

Hopefully I won't waste my time during this break and not take the time to reflect upon my life, that is one thing that helps me to bring things back into focus.

Do you ever have the feeling that you are not doing enough with your life, not reading enough books, not learning enough facts, not helping enough, not cleaning enough, not sleeping enough or sleeping too much and on and on.

I feel like that all the time and it's driving me crazy, it's like I can't have a break or I will be wasting that time to do more (but not enough). I think that is what the negative forces in the universe do to me, it is to drive me crazy and not let me feel good about myself. Well I really should get to sleep, (part of the getting enough sleep voice is nagging me).


This is the desciption of things that I liked from my old "Live Journal" account.

Achnacarry, Agatha Christie books, Anne of Green Gables, antiques, architecture, art, astronomy, bakeries, baking, Benjamin Franklin, books, bread, carpentry, cats, challenges, compassion, cooking, cozy fires, creating art, creativity, cuddling, different cultures, driftwood, exercise, fine furniture, food, French, gardening, genealogy, Harry Potter, historical food, historical money, history, humor, interior design, LDS books, LDS church films, learning, long walks, math, meditation, money, movies, music, mysteries, nature, nursery rhymes, nutrition, old books, old fashioned manners, old songs, organization, playing in the rain, rainy days, refinement, satellites, satire, school, singing, soft falling snow, staying healthy, sunflowers, sunsets, The Beatles, theater, Victorian style homes, windmills, Winnie the Pooh, writing

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Friday Shoot-Outs ~ Native Foods and Restraunts (really native)

Don't eat out much, so I thought I would share a bit of traditional Native American foods from this area... (Utah)

Rainbow Trout:



Sage Brush:



Wild Onions:





Sego Lilies:



Pine Nuts:



Indian Rice:



Elderberries:



Choke Cherries:



Provo River:



Utah Lake:



(The Olive Garden...) ;p (Not the best picture, since I was trying to take a picture of the little puddle of water that had gathered there from the recent rain and snow...) :D

Connecting It All

Connecting It All

The yearning of our souls stretching out to expand the cramped and narrow horizons of the mind. Trying to touch another, to connect with something deep within another heart, another soul.

A place and time unimagined before, suddenly opened up to new possibilities. The words of the author, words from the dust, extolling you from times gone past.

Wisdom shared from some timeless truth, some law of the universe, something that we yearn for in the secret places of our hearts.

Drawings on the wall of a cave, images out of the mind of some primeval warrior, which speak of the battle, the beasts and of love.

Broken pottery on the floor, remnants of hands which held and shaped it. Perhaps lips that supped from the ancient cup, residues of grapes that grew so long ago, which enlivened the senses of the vessels that bore souls.

Souls which are now woven into the story of time, souls who’s spirit look out through your own eyes. Threads woven from the fabric of many lands, many peoples, reflected by the mirror if you only care to look.

More Snow Falls

Bumping up this post, cause the snow keeps on coming around again...


Well, in life as in weather, the snow will fall just when you least expect it. Sometimes I welcome the snow, it is a covering for the bare winter world. But it is a frozen cover a suspension of time as you will for the world. Time stands still, the only action is from the flakes of snow, drifting down. Silently down, softly down then comes the wind, howling. Howling about the aches and pains of a lonely drifting soul, who's soul? No one knows, it could be your own. You shiver, but not from the cold, but from the realization that you have felt the same as the howling wind. You felt that way and anyone who has felt that way cannot forget. Yet the snow is sometimes your friend, a benediction to the closing year. Listen as it falls upon Christmas eve night, there is an erie glow in the world, the air smells fresher because of the snow. You cling to your covers and close your eyes tight. Santa is coming, who know's what he will bring tonight. Your fairly sure you were good, so your not worried, not much. The snow is the reassurance that things will be right in the morning.

Walking through the snow.

My shoes are inadequate for the task, I have to walk home. Ten steps into the crunchy snow I realize that this will not be easy, perhaps if I take a short cut I will get there faster. So I turn the back way, brrrr my feet are cold, and my pants are getting wet as well. Grit your teeth, wrap your coat tighter and think of a warm bath and hot cocoa at home. Keep walking, crunching through the snow, at least that is satisfying. Crunching the glassy ice that has formed on the side of the road. Woops that one held water beneth it, now my feet are really wet. Brrrr keep walking, no sense in stopping that will not end the misery. Now I am avoiding the ice, although I would like to stomp on it. The path ahead looks smooth, good, glibly I walk into it. Woops this path was a trick, it was formed from the snow ploughs, deep hills on the side of the road, made smooth by the wind. Now I am really wet, up to the top of my pants. Trudge, trudge to the road, where the wheels of the cars have made a path through the snow. Whew, that was bad, but I am almost home. I am hurrying now, as much as I can with my stiff feet and stiff legs. How odd it feels to be wet, cold and stiff on the bottom and warm and dry on the top. Round the bend then round another, cross through the neighbors driveway from the backroad to the front. Trudge, stomp pull my legs faster and faster, until I am slightly running. Around the corner, through the neighbors yard, into our back door. Brrr wet clothes off, I go to the bathtub where I run slightly warm water (the hot water hurts). Until my legs and feet warm up a bit, then I run warmer and warmer water until the aching pain is gone. I grab a fluffy towel and dry off, dress and stand over the furnace while it blows hot air to warm me up. I decide to get some cocoa and leave the cocoon of the warm bathroom. Finally I am feeling warm, inside and out and I decide to rest. I snuggle down into the covers, into the warmth, into a comfortable sleep. (This really happened to me).

I hope your winter is going well.

~Strawberry Girl

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Everlasting Strawberry Girl

Strawberries!! I love them, especially the organic kind, or better still the ones you pick sun ripened and fresh from the garden. Then again there is a particular kind of thrill that I get when I come upon the wild ones!!

I don't know why this is, but it has always been this way. There are so many pictures of me with strawberry shortcake (the cartoon character) on my shirt, or cakes that my mom obliged me with for my birthday.

I also love the complimentary colors to strawberry red (dosen't that sound lovely, strawberry red?!) When I was trying to come up with a name for this blog, something that I had always liked, strawberry girl came to me and it just felt right...

I remember one year, for Christmas, I recieved a little strawberry themed bath kit. I used the little strawberry shampoo with delight, smelling the bottle of it repeatedly with an ecstatic thrill.

My hair was never so soft as when I used that shampoo!! I tried to be careful not to use it up, but it was gone to soon, and I pestered my mother about it for a long time afterwards.

Several Christmases ago, my mom hit upon a good idea for a gift guaranteed to make me smile. A shirt that said "Livin the sweet life," with Strawberry Shortcake on it.

She could not have guessed my reaction to it would be pure ecstasy!! I opened the box, completely unaware of what it could be, being an adult my mom had stopped buying me clothing every year so it was a surprise to get a clothing box.

As I lifted the lid and saw what it was I was filled with a surprisingly strong amount of happiness. I lifted it out and hugged it, then cried. That was one memorable gift!!

I buy my daughters Strawberry shortcake stuff as well, except for A, she sees right through it!! One year though I had gotten her a little gift set with a little Strawberry Shortcake doll in it.

Well... she lost interest in it, so I sentimentally picked up the doll to carry around in my pocket (she was being neglected). Imagine my embarrassment when a lady at the store saw me pull it out when I was rummaging in my pockets for some chapstick, I just grinned at her.

Every year about this time I start getting itchy for strawberry shortcake and my mother obliges me. So on Sunday she got a whole bunch of strawberries, to my everlasting delight, and asked me to help her cut them up.

Well sometimes I can do this chore efficiently, but for some reason I was day dreaming this Sunday and was happily cutting off the tops and lining them up on the cutting board to photograph, finding interesting looking strawberries, to take pictures of them as well.

My mom efficiently chopped away while I was doing this. I even found a baby green one (which I promptly took a picture of!!). My mom and sister started laughing at me, but I just can't help it sometimes!!

They decided that I would find strawberry themed blog background, and that I would look for strawberries pictures, and that I was going to so a post all about strawberries (uh, kinda did that one didn't I ;p). They were having a great time poking fun at me... (Little sis. I will get you back, just you wait, muwahahaha!!)

Most of my pictures were messed up because I was unfamiliar with my sons camera. But here are a few that turned out alright!!



Free Summer Days...

I am working on taxes again!! Our payroll is a mess (and it's not my fault) :{

So as a break I feel like writing a bit about carefree childhood days.

The day outside has started off grey and chilly but that doesn't deter us because we love the extra intrigue that it adds to the air.

It is as though someone has added a filter to the sun, the greens of the garden, the pink of the spicy miniature roses on their bush stand out as if colored as an afterthought on a black and white painting.

We zip up our jackets and wear an extra shirt as well, then we run around the house looking for magnets, flashlights, and a camera. We also fill baggies with cereal to take along with us and dig out the stale bread from the bread cupboard to feed to the ducks.

We hop on our bikes, a bit awkward with our stash of stuff, yet eager as well. We peddle down the road, stopping occasionally to adjust things, and going slow because we keep letting go of the handle bars to grab a bag here or a flashlight there.

When we get to the river trail we park our bikes by the rusty metal bridge and put our stuff down while we lock them up.

First of all we decide to get rid of the stale bread by feeding the ducks. They know what we are there for so they all gather around us quacking, and a few geese nip at them and honk at us.

We can't break the bread up fast enough, the ducks are voracious eaters. They are so jumpy and noisy that it is amusing. I get mad because the little green headed male keeps pushing a little grey girl out of the way to get at the bread. So I devise a strategy to throw a piece out behind the girl and away from the boy.

This almost works but a large matronly female snatches it, defeated the little girl duck sits patiently while the others get there fill. So I hold off a minute until the others lose interest, then I carefully throw a bit out for the little grey.

We throw the bags away in the near by trash containers and head out to the park. Passing up the slides and the swings we slip quietly into the tangled trees and bushes. The light becomes even more filtered and interesting.

Here we find scattered leaves and tree branches. Intertwined vines, climbing overgrown trees. Tall grasses, weeds and a bit of junk here and there. We follow the foot path for a bit, then step into the overgrowth to pick our way through it, as if we were exploring some foreign jungle.

Occasionally we over turn matted piles of leaves and the essential oils of the earth rise up to hit our noses, we breath this in deeply.

Daniel heads off to the left, I call out to him "don't climb any tree's, cause' I don't want to go and get Dad if you get stuck." He calls back "don't worry, don't worry." In a sarcastic, teasing tone of voice.

Finding myself alone, I turn on the flashlight to help me pick my way through the tilting branches, grown over by morning glory and climbing ivy. I reach out to move a branch out of the way and push gently at first, but find that it is sturdier than I thought so I press against it firmly and it presses firmly back.

I am a bit unsteady as I carefully step over a log on the ground, and hold the tree limb back while I pass. The trees here grow in a circle, and I feel as though I have entered into the middle of a circle of female friends who have linked their arms together.

I sit down here, where the grass and moss combine and lean back on my hands, gazing at the criss cross pattern of tree limbs competing and climbing together towards the sun.

Here I curl up, to breath in the scent of the earth, the smell of new grass mixed with the scent of the old. I close my eyes for a while, dreaming my forest dreams, then hear the birds chasing each other off in the distance.

Their chattering disturbs my solitude so I open my eyes and stretch, yawning. Crouching I turn on my flashlight to discover what I can among the secret places.

Gaps between vines, spaces between the earth and fallen trees, under bushes, and out over the meadow grasses. I feel as though the hidden magical creatures are spying on me, just out of sight and that if I am fast enough I can catch them.

Alas I find sticks and twigs, rocks and dirt, and bits of garbage, which always makes me mad. I snatch a stray plastic bag off of the nearest branch and start picking up garbage furiously, miffed at other peoples thoughtlessness.

After a while I get tired of this and decide to go find my brother. I find him climbing, back and forth between the interspersed trees. He jumps from one tree, and clings to another, having a glorious time.

"Daniel, come on!! Get down!" He ignores me and climbs higher. "Well fine! I am going to go throw this garbage away then I'm going to go walk along the river to catch some water skeeters."

So I head off towards the clearing and I hear Daniel crashing around in the underbrush to catch up. I throw away the garbage, then run, zipping past Daniel on his way to catch me, off to the river.

There I slowly descend the bank, over the rocks and chunks of concrete that someone had decided to throw there. In the dappled light of the river, near the slow moving edges of the riverbank, we find the little skeeters skittering about on their three legs.

Their feet make concentric circles, ever widening and interspersing together as they dash along. We decide to leave them alone today, because we didn't bring a container for them, though we contemplate our empty sandwich baggies for the job. Fortunately for the skeeters we can imagine them being squished in the baggies, so we don't use them and head back up the riverbank again.

The sun had come out so we headed down the asphalt trail by the river towards the underpasses, where the cars and then trains passed, the first underpass being for cars and the second for trains.

The sun soaked asphalt was starting to get hot, so we took off our jackets and swung them around as we walked. We passed up the first underpass for the alluring possibilities that awaited us under the train pass.

First of all it was cool to look up at the tracks from underneath, to see the rail ties all lined up like fence posts. Secondly when we hopped up on the cement barrier, which kept out the river on the other side, we could find black metal filings to play with.

We would take out our magnets and run them through the dirt picking up the filings. Then we gathered them up in our baggies to bring them home. Then we would sit on the cement, because nothing grew in the dirt under the bridge, and we put our feet up in front of us. Laying back to watch for trains, thrilling a little at the idea of a train passing right over us.

After a while, when no train came, we got up. Being chilled from the cool river breezes and dark underpass air, we put our jackets back on and emerged from our dark hideaway. We walked slowly back to where our bikes were parked, letting the sun soak into us, warming us again. Then we hopped on our bikes and slowly peddled home again, feeling free, unburdened from care.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

School - A New Direction

Tonight begins a new chapter in my life. Meet me, a student... I love being a student. Up until 2006 that was what defined me, studying.

It didn't matter what class I was in, I absolutely loved the challenge, the discipline of studying, of being in a class room delving into the theory's and merits of the subject.

Part of this attraction I think is the really unregulated way in which I was raised, the absent dialogue and direction from my home environment. Part of it was the fact that I have always been attracted to learning.

I hated elementary school, middle school, and high school, partly because the setting was not as self directed as college, and partly because the other kids drove me crazy.

So why is tonight a new chapter? Well, it's a long story, got a minute?

I got married young, 16. We lived with my parents for the first part of our marriage, we had to send Sam over to Tonga for a while although I was five months pregnant(there were a couple of reasons, it was a messy time in our relationship).

My mom helped me during this time to get him a VISA (the process was a nightmare and I still feel guilty for the stress it caused y family). Then we moved out with our two little babies when he got back (I had my daughter while he was away, nine months!!)

My husband had been working in the concrete industry ever since I first met him. It has been a challenging industry to deal with in regards to paying our bills.

At first he worked for his uncle, I used to think he was a cheat until I found out how hard it is to run a concrete company well. His uncle had the same problem that we have had trying to run a concrete business, that is trying to keep track of costs in order to make a profit and the fact that sometimes people just don't pay what they say that they will.

So while he was working with his uncle, he would sometimes not get paid. Thus it was difficult to pay our bills because the income wasn't steady.

I actually went to school sometimes because we got grant money that helped to pay our rent. Good thing I liked school. My mom helped me through it by watching my kids, it was a hard thing to do really but I needed to do it. (and I liked it, too).

Then because he wasn't getting paid, he decided to run his own business, he has terrible business sense. He copied what he thought he needed (like cell phones for all of his employees) and other kind of interesting theories on what he needed until he ended up running up our bills.

Well that did not turn out very fun, no siree not at all. We were broke, I was pregnant, we were kicked out of our apartment, so we moved in with my parents until I found the place we are in now. (It was only for about a week, I really beat the bushes looking for this place. 3 bedrooms and a big back yard).

I finished my degree in Behavioral Science (an AS) then got to work on a Bachelor of Science in Accounting. (Which I finished in 2006)

He started working for his cousin, his cousin had a bit of business sense, since he went to school. The economy was good so they were all doing well.

Then Sam thought he could do better with someone else so he started working with another guy, he did do well, Sam is really good at concrete work. The company he was working for payed him well and regularly. It was great!!

So for quite a while, up until the end of 2007 we had a nice steady income that was enough to meet our needs and we started to put money away (in a 401(K)).

Then 2008 happened, well actually November 2007. I could sort of see it coming so I had been doing seemingly strange things like spending money on a Vita-Mix (Life saver, grinds all my gluten free grains), and other useful things that have really been good to have around (like a water filter that can filter lake water if we need it too). It was sort of stressful doing that but I am glad that I did.

November 2007 Sam was laid off, they thought it was only temporary, but... our savings held out for a while. Then we cashed out our 401 (K) (when it was about 3/4 of what we put into it, but still we got something. Being an accounting student I hated doing it because I have studied the behavior of the stock market and I know that over the long run it would have recovered and blah, blah, blah... i'm almost ready to disregard every accounting lesson I have ever learned... Lots of disillusion over here in regards to the industry. Anyone else feel that way?)

So last year Sam decided to run his own business again. He made a deal with a lot of people, used poor judgement and got stuck with a really big bill... I tried to tell him, Dad tried to tell him, but he didn't listen. Now... after begging me to forgive him for it, (and a few other things) we have been faltering around looking for a way to survive.

So this is what I have come up with. Going back to school, yes I could do it myself... I would love to go back to school and get the degree. But Sam is my husband, so he needs to be the one.

He has always liked sports and the program for becoming a Personal Trainer sounded like the most reasonable course for him to take. It didn't have nearly the amount of classes that some of the other courses require and a lot of it involves working out.

He has wanted to go into criminal justice, but the course work really is a lot, he will be able to use this degree in so many other ways, working with the police in training, or at the hospital, or with the athletic department of our local university or at a gym like he will originally do.

Plus I get a bonus, I get to read his textbooks to help him interpret them. I am extremely excited about it, I really would have liked to do this program myself since I am really interested in health and fitness. (Something that I have been working on for a long time).

The local Gyms need a lot of people, he will need to get a separate certificate to get working right away. (Which costs about $550.00, and takes about 5 weeks to complete) then he can start working. He could just do that and not go to school (which is expensive about $13,000) but I think that it will be good for him if he does go to school and it will give us something to work together on, hopefully giving us a more common experience.

He has felt in the past that I think more than him, that I look down on him. I haven't really, he's smart in certain ways that I am not. If he goes to school though it will help him in this regard.

In some ways this is a really scary thing to be doing. We don't have money to rely on, though we are getting unemployment and food stamps, but we have to do something.

He has not been able to get a job, though there is some concrete work coming up (I am having mixed feelings about it, supposedly its another sure thing) he is supposed to be working with a company, some kind of deal where his brother and he will get paid by the hour until the end of the contract, then they will get a share of the profits. A few things I am worried about are renewing his contractors license, getting him insured again (which has been expensive), thinking about how he will handle people who will inevitably show up to "help." (Last year he had a lot of relatives and friends show up and start working because they were out of work and he felt obligated to pay them... so he did, over cost...). I really, really don't like concrete work right now... but he could do it, and go to school at night, gah!! It's a frustrating thing.

Letting go of the wall, to swim out to the deep end. Hoping that this will be the answer to all of the struggles and misunderstandings. The needed job, the self esteem, the chance to work together and bond... I hope.

So that's what's going on... I am excited and now I am going to get to work. :o)

(Plus concrete work is so unhealthy for the laborer, the convenience store food, the long hours in the sun... and I can use what I learn as well, maybe even getting a certificate as well, just in case).

He Has Risen




A Message From The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

At this Easter season of hope and renewal we testify of the glorious reality of the atonement and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. The empty tomb brought comforting assurance and provided the answer to the question of Job, “If a man die, shall he live again?” (Job 14:14).

Because of the Savior’s resurrection we will overcome death and become the beneficiaries of His mercy and grace. In a world of trouble and uncertainty, His peace fills our hearts and eases our minds. Jesus is in very deed “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6).

We give our sure witness that Jesus is the Christ. Though He was crucified, He rose triumphant from the tomb to our everlasting blessing and benefit. To each member of the human family He stands as our Advocate, our Savior, and our Friend.


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Love

Northern lights, the collision of particles in the ionosphere, are a vision of the ionic elements that dance through all of us.

Watching the hypnotic swirls of green, purple and blue. Is like looking at the enlivened soul. Occasionally orange bursts of light can be seen, sparks of passion in the sky.

Human beings stand in awe of the display, the embodiment of organic emotion felt by those who allow themselves to feel the embrace of the spiritual in their lives.

Heightened senses come from a body well cared for and a spirit as well.

Why are we attracted to those who care, who love with all of their hearts? Because each of us needs to feel that spiritual connection with another.

Love it is light and life, anger and animosity is the darkness that we shrink from. Truly a prayer is a connection with the divine, it has the power to connect people from all over the world. What good does it do? It does a lot.

Think of another, Love one another. When you do you bring life into the world. For each moment that we care that care is felt by others and it heals. That is partially what was so powerful about Jesus, I believe even Gandhi and Mother Theresa shared this type of Love as well.

Imagine someone looking at you with care and concern for you in their eyes. It is healing.

I remember one dark night, I was faltering really bad. I felt so hurt inside, though I didn't want to show it to others. I went to the store and got out of the car. The snow was falling and the air held a biting chill. I was trying to get out of the cold quickly. Then I ran into my old Bishop and his wife. His countenance was bright, he looked like an angel. In his eyes was the love of a deeply caring individual. He asked how I was doing and squeezed my hand with a gentle warmth. He looked deeply into my eyes and he wasn't fooled. Then he said to me "you are special, you are a really special girl, and I am proud of you." These word were so healing to my hurt and broken heart. His sweet wife gave me a hug as well. The air had turned warm from their love. As they got into the car to get home I looked up into the sky with a sigh of contentment and the snow that fell was like a shimmery benediction to the perfect sermon. I really didn't know him that well, but he gave to me a precious gift. When he passed away, I cried sweet tears because I knew he went home to live with the angels in heaven.

That my friends is Love, it is divine. Not everyone cares enough to develop it, I believe that the world would be a far better place if we cultivated such in our own lives.

~Happy Easter

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Worn Out, Whoo!!

I wore myself completely out talking nonstop to my cousin Sue Sue on the way up to SLC today, as I said yesterday I haven't seen her for 13 years and I had no idea that we had so much in common and that we thought so similarly. We talked about everything on the way up and back, religion, politics, food, Gay rights, school teaching, my marriage, her relationship, everything that happened last year, the economy... it was a non-stop conversation flowing easily from one subject to another. It is so rare for me to be able to do this with anybody!! I want to snatch her right out of California to chat with her more often... but I guess we will have to survive on Facebook, e-mail, (she expressed intrest in blogging), and of course I can call her and all... ;p

What a day!! We visited some of the most beautiful and sacred sites up in Salt Lake, including the Tabernacle, the visitors center and last but not least the illustrious Joseph Smith Memorial Building, the former Hotel Utah!! I will see if I can find some pictures to put up (Sue Sue's going to e-mail me those she took... I lost the battery charger for my camera).

I have not been in the mood for writing much, I did write, as I said something personal but I want to change it around a bit. Plus I have the tax deadline to contend with on the 15th. So that's going to be a bit weighty on my mind...

Man I am worn out!! Who knew talking could wear you out like that (well I guess it's been an emotional rollercoaster as well because we talked of such diverse things and it's great to have someone listen and validate!!)

:D

These are some pictures I found on the internet... Sue Sue has some pictures, like I said so I will post those later.

The Joseph Smith Memorial Building (The Salt Lake Temple is casting a shadow on it, the water is from the reflecting pool)



(Click picture to go to original source)


This is the lobby of the memorial building... it looks beautiful but dosen't do it justice in my opinion its one of those places that you say WOW when you walk into it. You can almost get a sense of the golden glow from the gold leafing on the ceiling above each of those individual chandeliers and at the very top of the pillars (which you can barely see, but it is hard to make out) are little cherubs and gold leaf pinapples. They had someone playing excellent music at the grand piano (in the center of the room) and there were several people reclining in the chairs with their eyes closed.



We also visited the internationally famous statue of the Christus in the North Visitors center. Created by Bertel Thorvaldsen.