Life Lessons

This life is full of loneliness and small moments of connection. Sometimes it is hard to reconcile ourselves to that fact.

I remember when I was really little I didn't understand the feelings of achy emptiness that I sometimes felt. That space feels a little bit like sadness, a little bit like boredom, a little bit like pain.

Yet try as we might that space is never completely filled. It is a space that we have to come to terms with, accept. Otherwise we stumble from one situation into another looking for fulfillment. It is something that no one can fill really, though they might try and you might try to cram them into the achy part of your heart. Some people fit there better than others, but will never completely fit. You really just have to come to terms with it yourself.

I've found that I can be less lonely by myself reading a good book than with someone who is jabbing at my sensitive heart with innuendos and noise.

Somehow I thought I would have figured out how to handle relationships and people better when I grew up. I've grown up, I still don't know what I am doing. I still haven't mastered the art of relationships, or even being thoughtful for that matter. A lot of times I really, really am not thoughtful. I get into a situation where I should have been thoughtful, someone's birthday, someone's celebration... or just moments where being thoughtful would have been nice like getting someone food before they ask, or some other thing... I don't know, sometimes it feels like I'm hesitating because I just don't know what is going to help, or what someone really wants. That's the frustrating part.

Anyway, life lessons.

SG

Raison d'Etre

I have never been much of a story teller. I am at times able to tell parts of my own story, and write poetry that comes from the reserves of passion and emotion in my heart. I'm sitting outside on a nice spring day. It's been so stormy, raining so many days during this spring that sitting outside wasn't really an option. I have a home right by the state road 89 and it's busy. Not the idealistic picture of a quiet little home with a view that I've had all my life, but it is mine, and I can see the mountains which have always been a part of my life.

I used to look up at the sky in the early evening, searching for the first start to wish on. My wish was always happiness, but even then I didn't know what happiness was exactly, just that I was unhappy. I felt shame for a long time that I was unable to be firm in the convictions I was told I must have. Those convictions were mores, morals, standards for behavior, expectations for my life, I did not live up to them. Now I question the world in which we live in and how the standard for morality has been built over these centuries of living. I feel un-grounded at times, because I know I'm following a less traveled path.

I've always wanted to be able to write well. To convey the inner dialogue that is going through my head. We all have a dialogue, a raison d'etre driving us on. I like to discover other peoples thoughts on things that concern me, it is a way of clarifying and bringing my own thoughts into focus.

Old Memories

2/26/2011

Roxie is building a tower of useless nick knacks, it is my "Birthday" present, it keeps falling apart because it involves random broken objects a folded valentine and a bouncy ball. The kids entertained themselves by creating a FB Profile for our cat Allycia, Koli spelled it that way when he created it. Apparently the cat has more education than I do, she attended the best high school and university in the US! 

My dad is contemplating standing on the corner with a hobo sign since he hasn't had much work lately, he makes it a point to tell us he's almost out of money and then goes to the store and buys industrial sized jugs of pasta sauce, cereal and oranges. 

Mom is highly amused at the things that you do on FB, her and Kelsey were giggling about your status of "Papaya" when I walked in today. 

I've been studying for the GMAT all day, the only problem was that I was studying at mom's house which was highly distracting, I think it did some good though...

Well now it's time to do scriptures and prayer for the night.

Trying to capture beauty...

Tomorrow I'm scheduled for surgery, it's a minor surgery for pelvic congestion syndrome. This has got me in a reflective mood. I want to write something beautiful, there's so much beauty in nature. When I look out of my sliding glass windows up into the mountains the green hills, the verdant leafs on the aspens and pines, I feel a certain sense of awe. The blue sky, the purple flowers of the lilac trees, the white and pink flowering trees. 

It's a hopeful feeling, it's a nostalgic feeling I want to capture the beauty within my heart. The majesty of the mountains dusky in the morning, the bright sun illuminating the clouds that hug the mountains in the sky.

But then how can I really capture beauty in the written form? It's limited, my perception is limited and the vibrancy of the colors are all after images in my eyes, after images stored in my minds eye. 

The particular feelings that I feel, I want to share with someone and somehow be closer to others through that shared sense of beauty.

and when someday my perceptions have failed I wish that the observations of my heart will live on...

Some Advice

The advice I would give to my children at this point in my life is minimal. There are many things that they are going to find out on their own a lot of things come down to common sense. Perhaps I would warn them against any scheme that sounds to good to be true, no matter how enthusiastic the person trying to sell you on the idea is, it is worth being highly skeptical and keeping your money rather than giving away your money if you don't see the value of something clearly up front.

One piece of advice I wish I would have been told is to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you've made. You're not going to see the result of the decisions you've made for many years sometimes. If you think you've made a grave error do your best to remedy it and work towards your goals with determination. Don't let other peoples voices of doubt about you stop you from moving forward with making positive changes in your life.

Support others and envy them less. You don't know their story, you'll never guess the tricks that life will play on them or you. You might find  yourself feeling sorry for them at some point, resist this as well. Do your best to treat everyone you meet with respect and equanimity.

Treat the money that you earn with respect. Every hour of your time spent working should be respected. Don't waste your money on frivolous things, don't even waste it on what seems like important things at the time. Get the necessities of life, do spend money on trips and on helping to ease the burden of others, but don't worry about how you look in others eyes (materialistically speaking).

Respect the work that you do, even if it's not the work you would ideally be doing. Respect your situation in life and make the best of what you have. Not everyone will make a lot of money in their life and that's OK. Do what you can to be happy and live a good life with what you have.

SG

Musings for the Day

Today is one of those restless days where I am perfectly comfortable but looking at the squall of snow coming down outside reveals to me this restlessness.

I feel achy, like sitting here one more minute is demanding all my bodies energy to maintain. I want to get up and walk around, anywhere but here, or go home and sleep.

Yet I am comfortable too, a small heater by my feet is fighting off the chill in the air from the cold outside. I've got fresh Earl Grey tea at my finger-tips and a Chia seed parfait in the fridge for later.

We're going up to a social gathering at a bar later today. Feels like a television cliche, meeting up at a bar to unwind with other people. I don't know most of these people but this is a chance to say hello to Jussi. My friend Jussi has been back in town for something like 5 months now and I've yet to see him. He went out to Thailand to try and make a go at owning his own dive-shop but it didn't work out. The people he bought it from didn't disclose the state of disrepair that the shop was in and it'll take a lot of capital to get it into working order. That and an increase in costs for boat rentals made the venture a no-go.

Looking outside the window of this voluntary prison called "work" up to the condominiums up on the sandy hillside I think about all the mansions and manors that have fallen when nature floods the soil and reclaims the earth that they stood upon. Is that a possible fate for those condos? People pay a lot of money to live up there. I wonder what that's like, living on top.

As far as I am concerned the best I've ever had it is now with a steady stream of income and a home I'm buying. 5 years ago I had hardly any capital, though I was lucky enough to not be in debt. It's probably incompatible with my ultimate goal of being completely debt free but there is a part of me that would like a nice big house, ideally with a bit of acreage with trees and a little stream nearby. Wouldn't that be the life?

Back to reality I'm just going to settle back into my chair, put my feet up on the little foot hammock under my desk and get back to work. Glad I'm not out freezing in that windy squall.

SG

Reflections on life

Today is one of those rare days where all the stars align; I got a somewhat adequate amount of quality sleep (though I still feel a bit sleepy), my mind is clear, I'm focused, and there is a certain crystalline quality to my feelings, in that there is a lack of muddiness.

It is snowing outside today, it was clear and warm over the past week but I am used to the way that Spring comes limping into being every year. With the snow the familiar subdued sense of beauty pervades the foothills of the mountains that I'm looking out upon.

I would like to sit with this sense of tranquility a while, reflect on my life a bit.

It was once my goal to achieve happiness, I've learned that this is a frustrating goal to seek. I'm now just seeking to live a full life, a life full of decisions that I've proactively made and followed through with, rather than a life shaped primarily through outside forces.

I've found that I've spent most of my life seeking to improve my understanding of the world around me to the exclusion of building solid relationships with others. This skill is one of my biggest weak points.

Early in life I was highly sensitive. I disliked people talking about me, I didn't have a secure sense of self which made it very difficult to receive feedback from others in any way. Direct feedback from peers and teachers and indirect feedback from the teasing of others.

I tried to isolate myself from others as a defense with the hope that if I learned enough about the world then I would no longer have to face disapproving peers and teachers or teasing. I distanced myself from people who also faced the same challenges that I did hoping to avoid teasing based off of my association with them. This has led me to being an unreliable friend, a trait that I am not proud of.

I have to understand and accept that these were qualities built into my personality though, in order for me to begin to understand how to counteract these negative tendencies. I also have to understand that it is OK for me to not associate with people who are toxic to me (because of how they choose to behave).

There is a fine line to walk between loyalty to a friend and loyalty to ones psyche.

During my time as a stay-at-home mom/part time student/wife I went through a metamorphoses of understanding about relationships and love. There was and is a big part of me that was invested in my first husbands story. He was the abandoned baby, who's mother died shortly after childbirth and who's father ran away (or was driven away). He grew up bouncing around to different relatives houses growing up in a culture quite different than ours, a proud and strong culture with alluring, yet sometimes frustrating traditions.

I never quite understood or fit in there, though my acceptance of and familiarity with different things became stronger over time. The point is that I was invested, and that life and my identity grew together over time. It is strange now to see my ex-husband's girlfriend/fiance pick up the identity that I discarded, sympathizing with the abandoned baby that he was and seeking to integrate into that alluring, yet frustrating culture. I feel a sense of loss and emptiness when I think of those parts of my identity.

This morning I was thinking about love and what it has meant to me over the years. Love in some ways was a handcuff, it chained me to someone who pulled my soul through the harsh judgement of a culture I didn't fully understand, who asked me to do certain things with him that I didn't want to do (that repulsed me), who left me feeling isolated and alone, who betrayed me and top of all of this ultimately irreversibly harmed my sister and my daughter.

But that was love as an obligation, love without limits. I thought I had to love unconditionally, I didn't really understand what love was.

Perhaps love can be something that exists outside of obligation and is separate from a choice to remain in a relationship or leave. I believe that it can still exist even if that relationship is severed.

Love is not synonymous with being in a mutually exclusive relationship and can exist in different forms for different people, fading, yet not entirely disappearing from your heart when relationships end.

To love someone new doesn't mean that you are betraying someone else you once loved. It means that you are still alive and growing in human connection and understanding.

In new relationships, old relationships take on new meanings and you choose to focus your attention on building something new rather than maintaining something old. Old loyalties change, your obligations change. The amount of change is determined by each person.

Jealousy points very clearly to the insecurity of the person you are with, outlining the boundaries they wish to define for the relationship. These boundaries are different for different couples and different people. Sometimes these boundaries feel stifling to one or the other partner. Jealousy and boundaries are separate from love.

Loving someone doesn't mean that you have to be with that person and you don't have to be with someone just because they profess to love you.

Love does not overcome all barriers, all things, differences, circumstances and difficulties. It does make it easier to choose to try to overcome these things with the person you love.

You don't fail if you end a relationship that doesn't work and I believe you don't necessarily achieve success by sticking with a relationship that doesn't work for a long time, though you might gain insight into life by sticking things out in a difficult relationship.

Relationships are frustrating, but they can be worth it. Commitment an agreement that is maintained and renewed by those in a relationship on a regular basis. It cannot be coerced and it is invalid if one person is hurting the other, mentally, emotionally, or physically.

It is really hard to leave a relationship, even when it doesn't feel right. Because we are all looking for connection, companionship and love.

A good relationship should be built, with both people having a dedication to help and lift the other. With not just trust but understanding, openness, thoughtfulness and vulnerability. Knowing and accepting that it all might not work out but hoping that things will work out for the best.

SG

We Don’t Always End Up With The Loves Of Our Lives (And That’s Okay)

This is an article written by Heidi Priebe, author of The First New Universe

I got it from THIS link

The original was so chock full of ads though that it's hard to read so I'm posting it here because I believe in her message and I think it's important.

We Don’t Always End Up With The Loves Of Our Lives (And That’s Okay)

I believe in Big Love.

I talk and I date like I don’t.

I don’t have frivolous expectations for romance. I’m not looking to get swept off my feet. I am one of those rare, perhaps slightly jaded individuals who actually likes hookup culture and is happy to live in an age in which monogamy is not necessarily the norm.

But I believe in big love because I’ve had it.

I’ve had that massive love. That all-consuming love. That ‘I can’t believe this exists in the physical realm of this planet’ kind of love.

The kind of love that erupts into an uncontrollable blaze an then simmers down to embers and burns quietly, comfortably, for years. The kind of love they write novels and symphonies about. The kind of love that teaches more than you thought you could ever learn, and gives back infinitely more than it takes.

It is the ‘Love of your life’ kind of love.

And believe it works like this:

If you’re lucky, you get to meet the love of your life. You get to be with them, to learn from them, to give the whole of yourself over to them and allow their influence to change you in unfathomable measures. It’s an experience like nothing else we have on this earth.

But here is what the fairytales won’t tell you – sometimes we meet the loves of our lives, but we do not get to keep them.

We do not get to marry them, to pass our years alongside them, to hold their hands on their deathbeds after a life lived well and together.

We do not always get to hold onto the loves of our lives, because in the real world, love doesn’t conquer all. It doesn’t resolve irreparable differences, it doesn’t triumph over illness and disease, it doesn’t bridge religious rifts or save us from ourselves when we’re corrupting.

We don’t always get to hold onto the loves of our lives because sometimes love is not all that there is. Sometimes you want a tiny country home with three kids and they want a bustling career in the city. Sometimes you have a whole, wide world to go explore and they are scared to venture out of their backyard. Sometimes you have bigger dreams than one another.

Sometimes the biggest, most loving move you can possibly make is to let each other go.

Other times you don’t get a choice.

But here’s another thing they won’t tell you about finding the love of your life: not ending up with them doesn’t disqualify their significance.

Some people can love you more in a year than others could love you in fifty. Some people can teach you more within a single day than others could teach you over the entire course of a lifetime.

Some people come into our lives only for a particular period of time, but make an impact that no one else can ever quite match or replace.

And who are we to call those people anything but the loves of our lives?

Who are we to downplay their significance, to rewrite their memories, to alter the ways in which they changed us for the better, simply because our paths diverged? Who are we to decide that we desperately need to replace them – to find a bigger, better, stronger, more passionate love that we can hold onto for a lifetime?

Maybe we just ought to be grateful that we got to meet these people at all.

That we got to love them. That we got to learn from them. That we got to have our lives expand and flourish as a result of having known them.

Meeting and letting go of the love of your life doesn’t have to be your life’s single greatest tragedy.

If you let it, it can be your greatest blessing.

After all, some people never get to meet them at all.

By Heidi Priebe, author of The First New Universe

Sources: Thought Catalog & Quote Catalog via Huffington Post

A Bit of Venting

Tonight I'm in an in-between mood. Nothing's terribly wrong, there's just a little feeling of being down. I guess that's OK, life's not always lollipops and roses.

I went to my daughter's junior high registration night and was confronted with the long time issue that I've had with immunizations. My kids are immunized... all except for my youngest. I was really mis-trustful of the medical community at the time she was due for immunizations and that was mostly because I was so sick and no doctor was able to explain why. Sick, depressed, anxious and the answers led to a shocking discovery that the American model of health and wellness was not as trustworthy as I thought it was. But that's a different story.

I decided that I would let my daughter choose what she wanted to do when she got old enough and she wanted to get immunized so I signed her up. Since she's never had any immunizations (except the one they give them as babies) they decided to give her 3. She sat down and they gave her the shots. Then she went into a bit of shock because she had watched the needles go in and got weirded out by them. She had to lay down and put her feet up, they gave her some juice. I sat down with her and put her head in my lap. We stayed that way for a while, me thinking about her growing up, she thinking about what had just happened.

We then found out that I need to do something at her elementary school to get her records over to the Jr. High, so I've got to take care of that tomorrow.

Seems like there are several things I've been avoiding or putting off. Changing jobs is one of them. I'm in a holding pattern, not progressing at work... but I'm earning just enough money and I've got medical coverage so that makes me not want to make a move. But I know it's not good for me. I'm getting bored. I need to do something. Instead of making a change I've been figuring out the type of training that I want to do. I keep doing that, organizing things rather than actually doing things.

It seems that something keeps pulling me back to the idea of writing for a living. This is an area that I could be really good at if I put time into actually doing it. One problem is that it's easy for others to see me working on the computer and assume that I'm wasting my time or ignoring them. That's not the impression I want to give them, and I acquiesce. Giving up my space and time to do what they want, this is why having a job is important... at least they see that as legitimate and don't question the time I put into it.

I'm suffocating. Living in-between. I wish the bills could just be taken care of without me having to work (including medical). Hell I don't really care for many material things, it'd be cool to fix up my place but really I just want freedom. Yes I'm suffocating, that's the feeling. I should sleep, but I'll not find respite, tomorrow will be another day or work and expectations. Failing in small ways to live the life I want to live every single day. God that's morose.

Anyway I am grateful for all I've got, grateful for my kids and what I've achieved in my life. When I told my father I was pregnant he shook his head and said "you've ruined your life. You'll never be able to finish high school, let alone college!" Well... that was part of my impetus for continuing to get my education, including my MBA. He gave me the choice to keep the baby and marry the father or give the baby up for adoption. That was messed up, couldn't I have just kept my baby and raised him by myself? Guess not. That's not how my life story was to play out.

It's weird. There's a new guy at work who is the baby brother of a girl I knew when I was growing up. I remember him, climbing up to the table in their kitchen. Somehow this connection is reminding me of how I felt in that neighborhood. My cousin and I were semi-friendly with his sister. She was nice sometimes and at others she was mean, bragging about getting to swim at her other friend's pool. I've got pictures of her at my house, playing with my Christmas presents. We were not really that great of friends. It's never been easy for me to make friends. I have friends now as an adult but it's hard to really make those relationships into deep friendships. I just live in my own world.

Again going off into ramblings.

I wish I could take a look at all the things that are little hurts and fix them somehow. Maybe therapy would help.

Anyhow, I suppose I'll be able to sleep now that I've vented a bit. I'm reminded of a nice morose quote to go along with my morose mood.

"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."

Aeschylus

Goodnight

SG

Wooden Shoes

The story of the wooden shoes

When I was 19 years old I had 2 little ones, 1 a baby the other a toddler. We lived with my husband at the time in the bedroom I grew up in as a child but I was trying to gather the furniture together so we could move out.

This process began when the lady who lived on the corner down the road from us had a yard sale. I bought a microwave and 4 beautiful kitchen chairs from her and put them underneath the covered parking outside of my parents house and covered them with a tarp.

I found a table at Wal-Mart and put it on layaway then kept my eyes open for other bits of furniture to add to my collection. The neighbors across the street moved away leaving a beautiful couch and love seat. The only problem with the couch was a big tear down the fabric in the back. So I got out a sewing needle and spent hours sewing it up. I got the table out of layaway and we were ready to get an apartment.

There was a place not too far from my parents which had 2 bedrooms, a bathroom/laundry room, a small kitchen, tiny dining room and living room. The furniture seemed sparse when we first moved in, we didn't have a side table yet in the living room so I grabbed a wooden crate and turned it on it's side and put a cloth over the top. I found a couple of little beds for the babies and put them in their room and set up my childhood furniture in our room.

We were lacking a few things, like a washer and dryer, so I made a list of everything we needed and a few things that I wanted as well. One of those things was wooden shoes, clogs had become fashionable at the time but I didn't have money for such things so they were just a wish.

I didn't see how we were going to get any of the things on the list because we didn't have much money, barely enough to pay the rent sometimes. We were getting Bishops orders for food, or going to the food bank. For clothing I would sew little pants or shorts for the kids and find things at yard sales. Sometimes I thought about how we didn't even have spare change in the couch cushions.

I kept a look out for opportunities and one day my Uncle Mo called me up and invited us to come look through the stuff he had in his basement. Basements in general had been scary to me as a kid but my Uncle Mo's basement had been especially scary.

He had a room that he'd converted into a bar with red carpet and animal heads hanging on the wall.

Rambling Thoughts

My best time for writing is late at night when there are no other pressing concerns, especially if I have the day off in the morning so that I can sleep in.

My mind was turning around while I was laying in bed tonight thinking of the times when I've been truly happy. There are a lot of senses involved with happiness for me, textures, scents, and things that are hot or cold.

In the winter it's nice to lay alone in bed, curled up in my fluffy comforter with the window open. The air streaming in is crisp, there's a certain fresh scent, and I really love to have a mug of hot cocoa nearby and a good book. 

In the morning I love it when it's a little chilly but the heater is on so it warms your toes as you walk past. It's so satisfying to fill up the water in the electric kettle and let it heat up boiling hot. Then sitting in the quietude with a mug of tea and a piece of gluten free toast watching the cars pass along State Street is calming somehow. 

I like steamy hot water in the tub, natural scented soaps (not overpowering artificial crap). The feel of a washcloth scrubbing things clean and a fluffy towel when I get out.

I was thinking about how interesting it is to discover things. I loved to go through my parents/grandparents cupboards when I was younger shifting things around setting things straight, exploring, I never knew what I'd find hiding in the back of the cupboard. I loved old things and small things, curiosities. 

The neighbor girls and I devised a basket on some rope that we would wheel back and forth between our windows. They would put little nick knacks in it for me and I would fill it up for them. That's how I got to know them better it was a fun game!

Then there is the scent of the earth, my father has always been a gardener. Each spring he would get out and turn up the earth with his shovel and I would go out to help him. It was satisfying and tiring work! I loved to run my fingers in the dirt sifting it and loosening it. Every once in a while a worm would wriggle through my fingers but I didn't pay them much attention. I would pick out the rocks and look for interesting ones, throwing the bigger ones over the fence to the "snake pit." 

I was very fortunate to grow up in a place that had a back yard, especially since it bordered a small copse of trees, a little wilderness that my brother and I made our own.

There is even pleasure to be found in being sick sometimes. When my head is muzzy and my body aches I tend to slow down and enjoy hot soup and tea. 

Just took out the doggy and felt the cold cement on my feet and got to feel the winter breeze and smell the fresh outdoors.

It would be nice to spend life discovering things. Not striving to fill up a home full of fashionable stuff but to fill it with interesting, comfortable things that mean something. I try to go through and clear out my home of meaningless things when I can, that's a satisfying chore for me. I think people feel like there homes need to be really clean and they probably do a better job than I do cleaning things up but I feel a little bit stressed out when I focus too much on having things spic and span. Better to have a semi tidy house and feel more relaxed than an overly tidy house that you've had to spend all your free time to clean.

I think that it would be fun to have a little company that made a box of interesting stuff for people to order. I know there's "Woot" or whatever it is but a lot of that stuff is just crap. We went wandering around in Midvale and Heber on Friday looking through consignment stores, thrift shops and antique stores. This was really the best therapy for me, I needed a break from the mundane work week. 

Is there something else that I can do with my time that will be satisfying and fulfilling and still earn me enough money to pay the bills and put away for retirement?

It's ironic that we are urged to find that kind of work in this day and age when we theoretically have less of a burden of work as our ancestors (we don't have to wash our clothes by hand etc.) I feel that we are so lonely and out of touch. My grandmother lived with her parents with her husband when they first got married and she would spend her day working side by side with her mother. They would sit at night and talk, her Dad would play the banjo and everyone would sing. We've lost so much of that, it's so sad to me but I'm not sure how to fix it. 

I discovered (again) a truth about my inner psyche, a little secret. This is something I know about myself but don't know how to mend. 

I remember walking through the mall with my father when I was around 10 or 11 around Christmas time. The mall was a popular venue for performers to come out and show off their talents. We encountered a group of talented violinists and there was one near my age. My Dad pointed out how talented she was and made it a point to wait around to talk to her and her father after the performance (he likes to point out other people's talents). Somehow I got the impression that I was lacking, that I needed to be talented at something in order to be worthy of attention. That's stuck with me and I think that I've been picking at myself for a long time. I don't allow myself to feel good enough, and diminish my contributions to things because of that. I also drop things sometimes because I don't think I can be good enough at them. 

Anyway those are my rambling thoughts tonight, I couldn't sleep until I jotted them down. 

SG

For more memories visit this blog post "Wishes and Memories"

Challenging Beliefs

There is a saying that we will face the same kinds of challenges over and over until we learn how to deal with them properly.

I've experienced this in my life and each time I face a similar challenge I have a somewhat different set of attitudes and beliefs that I bring to use to solve these challenges.

For instance, when I was younger I was fairly rigid in my beliefs and when I made what I perceived to be mistakes I would judge myself as unworthy and unclean. For the most part I've outgrown this but I know that it is still there at the root of my immediate reactions and I have to find my way out of my initial reaction to things in order to deal properly with the challenges that I face.

The problem that I experience, now now that I am no longer moored to this rigid belief set, is that it takes me longer to determine right and wrong, good and bad. I suppose that was why it was so easy to skim along in life holding to these old beliefs. I recall several General Conference talks where the "Apostles" for the LDS church would describe those that do not have a firm belief in Jesus Christ as anchor less, tossed and turned upon the waves of life. I suppose that is an apt description of how I feel sometimes. But is it truly preferable to stay anchored in one place, firm in a belief system that doesn't allow for human growth and intuition. That doesn't allow questioning of the norms and exploration of other beliefs?

This exploration can sometimes be problematic because it requires a certain amount of questioning both internally and externally of cultural mores and beliefs. There are a lot of ideas popular and unpopular in the public psyche, questions of how we should act towards one another and how we should act in private.

For instance there is the long tradition of women's role in society as homemaker and nurturer. A role that I have filled and held for some time. A traditionalist, religious view is that it is a woman's place to be in the home and that society is weakening because of the break-down of traditional roles. Another school of thought is that we have been limiting woman's potential, that women have a lot to contribute to society outside of home and family.

I can see both sides, yet having experienced the fulfillment of one, I'm now facing the issue of losing one identity to strive for another. There are many things that are underdeveloped in my experience as a contributor to the world of work that I'm finding difficult to make up for. Like forming relationships with co-workers and working on specific work objectives, valuing the company's objectives rather than my own.

Woman have also traditionally been told to be modest, to downplay our contributions. This is harmful in a work environment and holds us back.

Shifting gears I want to talk about the relationships that we are allowed to develop. We have a strong cultural more or norm of monogamous relationships in our society. This is a protection for the traditional family to have Mom and Dad together, working towards the same goals of loving and raising the children.

I have found that this is creates a narrow existence. I have had the experience of having my hopes shattered by being cheated on and I in turn have cheated (I ended it quickly because I felt too much guilt). Be that as it may be the relationship that I was in at the time was inimical to my well being and that of my children's well being. I was holding on to one thing and wanting to be free of it at the same time.

Here is my central struggle. A need for acceptance both outwardly and inwardly keeps me struggling to maintain things as they are regardless of whether or not they are good for me.

I struggled to maintain a relationship with my first husband who hit my children and threatened me, who ultimately scarred my sister and my daughter because of his sexual proclivities. Then again I got into a relationship where I held on and I held on even though I felt that something wasn't right. Again and again this pattern has emerged and I have faced it with moralistic views and I've faced it with monogamous mores. I am afraid of the pain of separation and letting go, living with the pain of holding on to a situation that is not right for me. I feel selfish, I feel disgust for my actions, my inability to make certain decisions. To hold firm to my decisions and the compromises that I make to stay in relationships that I don't want to be in. Ultimately it comes down to a need for acceptance, and to be in the right.

I recognize also that giving up a relationship means giving up opportunities that are embedded in that relationship. But if those opportunities involve the sublimation of my needs, of my soul, then they are not worth the cost.

This is where I feel the shame. I feel so selfish, I feel like I am lacking in the essential ingredient some people have that helps them form close and lasting relationships with others. I know I could contribute to the lives of the people I am with but give that up when I decide to leave. I think that because my first relationship was one where I was continually trying to improve/change the person I was with (to stop certain behaviors such as getting angry and hitting the children), that I burned out on the idealism that certain people have towards relationships. I know that I cannot change another person now and I think that's good to have realized but I feel less hope that someone will change behaviors that I have a hard time dealing with. I hate that I am standoffish and don't want to completely invest myself into my current relationship but that is the legacy of being completely invested in two marriages that have ended.

Here I face the opportunity to break out of the patterns that I have faced. Do I stay in a situation that is comfortable on the one hand and painful on the other or do I make a decision to change the course of things and end what isn't working? Is it the right thing to do?

Time will tell.

SG

Inner Tugs and Pulls

We all live with an inner voice, this voice is the guide you follow through your life, good or bad.

Our inner animus is made up of; the culture you grew up in, the books you have read, the TV show's you have watched, your parent's attitudes and behaviors, your teachers and friends.

Through it all there is this core, this central being that peers out into the void and wonders at it all. What should I be doing?

Deep, core deep, we all wish to avoid pain and we are seeking happiness. This manifests itself through habits that we develop to get us through our days, comfortable habits. Lulling our inner selves into a sense of little routine comforts. It takes a lot to want to shake these habits up and change, even if we are living in a routine that is actually harmful to us.

Somehow as well it is difficult to really know what we want, what is motivating us and ultimately what will make us happy.

I woke up this morning with a question on my tongue. I had been thinking of my brothers ex-wife, how she re-married and basically adopted her new husbands two children. She had a baby with her new husband and with the two she had with my brother now has 5.

Deeply I felt ashamed at my own reluctance to embrace a similar lifestyle. I wonder at my hesitancy to be married again, especially since I know that making choices in that direction would mean new possibilities. Perhaps that garage I always wanted full of stuff to create with. That fireplace in the living room or kitchen. The chance to mother, to help others to reach for their potential.

These urges are strong, pulling at me one way, while something pulls me another way. There is an urge to protect my inner psyche, my time, my resources. I have a chance to have the time to write, learn and travel, or who knows! The inner self that I denied space to emerge since I was married so young and had so many trials early in my life.

Tug and pull

The inner self knows something is not quite right with my situation and so I feel this tug and pull.

SG

Envy - That Green Eyed Monster

This is the feeling I have to contend with, vulnerability. I feel a sense of futility in my efforts, probably because I've invested so much into schooling to have it all come to seemingly nothing. Yet there is a part of me that feels that this is exactly what I deserve and I feel a fraud to think I deserve better. I know I didn't COMPLETELY do everything that I was assigned to do in school... I think of all of the iterations of skills that I was lacking in order to do what I was assigned... lacking experience, lacking time, lacking motivation, energy, ability... etc.

I've been running on a treadmill, trying desperately to gain the skills that it looks like I need, or I know I don't have, including certain interpersonal skills a lot of skills that could have been gained if I had different opportunities or circumstances when I was younger.

The rational part of me understands that no one is born in exact ideal circumstances and we all must to some degree fill in the missing pieces of our knowledge base in order to succeed.

I look at some people with their innate steadiness of mind, consistency of action and character or their ease of affection towards others and sometimes I get jealous. Or I think of those that I was competing with, who had similar skills, who are now ranked ahead of me and who are now developing in areas that I wanted to develop in and I feel those jealous pangs. Envy, resentment, sadness. I feel so petty and small at times. None of these feelings are ultimately helpful in and of themselves. I need a way to transform them into something else.

Then there are moments when I just feel like I should be better than others at certain things and I allow a sense of imagined superiority to seep into my consciousness, and this is a defense mechanism, a panacea for hurt pride. This allows me to keep going despite all of my other negative feelings. But it is only a mask I wear.

I am only going to be as unique and special as I allow myself to be. If I feel unworthy of setting myself apart then I will do things that will differentiate me in negative ways.

It comes down to a matter of respect. If I feel I am entitled to respect I need to earn it. At work I can't be of two minds all the time, one listening to a book and the other trying to complete my work. If I don't master myself then I won't master my work.

Some people deserve respect and not envy due to the way they have conducted themselves in their profession. Also people deserve respect for doing their job even if I feel that I lost an opportunity to be in the position that they have been given.

Envy holds me back in my profession. Envy prevents me from forming deeper friendships. I need to come to grips with the feelings of envy that are holding me back.

~SG

My Mother's Savage Daughter

I am my mother's savage daughter, 

the one who runs barefoot cursing sharp stones.
I am my mother's savage daughter, 
I will not cut my hair, I will not lower my voice.

My mother's child is a savage,
She looks for her omens in the colors of stones,
In the faces of cats, in the fall of feathers,
In the dancing of fire and the curve of old bones.

My mother's child dances in darkness,
And sings heathen songs by the light of the moon,
And watches the stars and renames the planets,
And dreams she can reach them with a song and a broom.

My mother's child curses too loud and too often,
My mother's child laughs too hard and too long,
And howls at the moon and sleeps in ditches,
And clumsily raises her voice in this song.

Now we all are brought forth out of darkness and water,
Brought into this world through blood and through pain,
And deep in our bones, the old songs are wakening,
So sing them with voices of thunder and rain.

We are our mother's savage daughters,
The ones who run barefoot cursing sharp stones.
We are our mother's savage daughters,
We will not cut our hair, We will not lower our voice

Credits:

k.l.kahan, from selections from "I Have Wedded This Blade", released January 1, 2004