Much of my life has been spent in the pursuit of freedom, I could also say in the pursuit of fitting in.
Opening my eyes in the morning is a restless battle between the world of dreams in which I am trying to find a satisfying solution to the drama of my dreams and the "oh shit" moment of realization that it is time to get up and get ready for work.
Depending upon the amount and quality of sleep of the night, or the amount of parental guilt that I'm feeling at the moment I will either get up and make some sort of breakfast and then take a bath before getting ready for work or I will nestle deeper into my pillow and silence the alarm until the kids come banging on the door for a ride to school. My dear Patrick has taken on this duty at times for which I am simultaneously grateful and yet aware that I should drag myself out of bed and do myself.
I view the world as a tableau of events, a glaring bathroom light (which I switch off as quickly as possible), a fuzzy outline of the refrigerator, desperate gulps of water as the night has dehydrated me and the fresh new light of day breaking over the mountain, street and trees. I've decided to simplify my life by wearing the same type of clothes every day. Dark jeans and a dark blue t-shirt. Why? Honestly there are just so many decisions that we have to make everyday that it can get exhausting. I want to be creative and classy in my choice of clothing but I hate buying things just to buy them, I feel like I need to have enough time and money (and to lose a few pounds) to buy good clothing that fits well. I dislike doing things when I can't do them well. I put off a lot of things for this reason. So it's simple clothing that I've chosen to go to, one less emotional decision to make.
I do what I have to do because I want to escape the expectations of others. I want to be free to set my own schedule, to do what I want to do and learn what I want to learn. I feel like I will only be able to do this when I am no longer trapped in the necessity of providing for shelter, food and warmth. In other words when I own a home outright and don't have to work too hard to have enough money to pay for everything. My world is thus reduced to the bare minimum that I need to get through life until I am free. Like a slave buying their freedom by carefully saving all that they make until they've paid off their slave debt.
I've had too many years of fearing for my family's financial security that it has become an obsession for me. I panic sometimes that I cannot be competent enough at my job to stay employed, and sometimes I am so tired of what I am doing that I cast about trying to find some new interest that I can develop and earn money from. Though at this point I fear that I cause myself to lose focus by trying to learn so much and do so much. So I am trying to narrow down the scope of what I want to learn so that I can relax with what little time I have left after work.
Therefore I am the barest version of myself most days. When I have time by myself I am therefore very determined to try to fit all of the rest of what I want to do into it. Thus I ignore people and social obligations because I feel like I have so little time to exist. I have so many things I want to do, I become paralyzed by all of the options and this is something I have struggled with all of my life. I have piles of little unfinished things because I am always feeling pulled this way and that, obligation or desire to appease someone else. That is the most uncomfortable feeling for me, I would rather not feel obligated to appease someone, rather I want all of my attention or affection to come from a place of authenticity, if it is dragged out of me it doesn't feel right. I do care about other people, I do want to do things for my family and my friends but if it doesn't come from my decision to be selfless and caring it really makes me feel upset and resentful.
That's about all I feel like writing tonight on this subject. :)
SG
Opening my eyes in the morning is a restless battle between the world of dreams in which I am trying to find a satisfying solution to the drama of my dreams and the "oh shit" moment of realization that it is time to get up and get ready for work.
Depending upon the amount and quality of sleep of the night, or the amount of parental guilt that I'm feeling at the moment I will either get up and make some sort of breakfast and then take a bath before getting ready for work or I will nestle deeper into my pillow and silence the alarm until the kids come banging on the door for a ride to school. My dear Patrick has taken on this duty at times for which I am simultaneously grateful and yet aware that I should drag myself out of bed and do myself.
I view the world as a tableau of events, a glaring bathroom light (which I switch off as quickly as possible), a fuzzy outline of the refrigerator, desperate gulps of water as the night has dehydrated me and the fresh new light of day breaking over the mountain, street and trees. I've decided to simplify my life by wearing the same type of clothes every day. Dark jeans and a dark blue t-shirt. Why? Honestly there are just so many decisions that we have to make everyday that it can get exhausting. I want to be creative and classy in my choice of clothing but I hate buying things just to buy them, I feel like I need to have enough time and money (and to lose a few pounds) to buy good clothing that fits well. I dislike doing things when I can't do them well. I put off a lot of things for this reason. So it's simple clothing that I've chosen to go to, one less emotional decision to make.
I do what I have to do because I want to escape the expectations of others. I want to be free to set my own schedule, to do what I want to do and learn what I want to learn. I feel like I will only be able to do this when I am no longer trapped in the necessity of providing for shelter, food and warmth. In other words when I own a home outright and don't have to work too hard to have enough money to pay for everything. My world is thus reduced to the bare minimum that I need to get through life until I am free. Like a slave buying their freedom by carefully saving all that they make until they've paid off their slave debt.
I've had too many years of fearing for my family's financial security that it has become an obsession for me. I panic sometimes that I cannot be competent enough at my job to stay employed, and sometimes I am so tired of what I am doing that I cast about trying to find some new interest that I can develop and earn money from. Though at this point I fear that I cause myself to lose focus by trying to learn so much and do so much. So I am trying to narrow down the scope of what I want to learn so that I can relax with what little time I have left after work.
Therefore I am the barest version of myself most days. When I have time by myself I am therefore very determined to try to fit all of the rest of what I want to do into it. Thus I ignore people and social obligations because I feel like I have so little time to exist. I have so many things I want to do, I become paralyzed by all of the options and this is something I have struggled with all of my life. I have piles of little unfinished things because I am always feeling pulled this way and that, obligation or desire to appease someone else. That is the most uncomfortable feeling for me, I would rather not feel obligated to appease someone, rather I want all of my attention or affection to come from a place of authenticity, if it is dragged out of me it doesn't feel right. I do care about other people, I do want to do things for my family and my friends but if it doesn't come from my decision to be selfless and caring it really makes me feel upset and resentful.
That's about all I feel like writing tonight on this subject. :)
SG
