The Name of The Wind

I was deeply touched the other day by a piece of writing by Patrick Roffuss a section of the book "The Name of the Wind" where the main character was facing the destruction of his entire family by an unknown enemy.

Sometimes I can go a long time without feeling deeply, emotions are inconvenient, they make it harder to concentrate. But emotions can build up if we don't have an outlet for them and become destructive to our well being.

What can be done to prevent shutting down emotionally? I write things down. My mind is always churning with ideas. Sometimes there are things that I am frustrated about, sometimes I really want to express my thoughts to someone but I don't have someone readily available so it goes into writing until I can discuss it.

Stories have a power to reach a part of peoples psyche that is sometimes difficult to reach. We have become so guarded these days, closed off from each other, I think that part of the reason is that we don't spend enough time interacting with people in real life. It turns conversations with others into stiff encounters because we don't have the time to really talk.

The only relief that I have found form this lonely existence is through good literature, and then not every interesting story is one that gets past my guarded barriers.

I was listening to "The Name of The Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss and heard this passage. "I hope they spent those last few hours well. I hope they didn't waste them on mindless tasks: kindling the evening fire and cutting vegetables for dinner. I hope they sang together, as they so often did. I hope they retired to our wagon and spent time in each other's arms. I hope they lay near each other afterward and spoke softly of small things. I hope they were together, busy with loving each other, until the end came. It is a small hope, and pointless really. They are just as dead either way. Still, I hope."

Here is where my heart was touched and I found myself crying, open to the pathos of that scene.

The other thing that really helps me to break out of a long closed off emotional spell is music. Patrick and I went to see Bohemian Rhapsody when it came out, even though I had known a little bit about Freddy Mercury I didn't know a whole lot. I found myself crying near the end and left feeling like I knew the man a little. Today I've been listening to the Carpenters, I can't hear Karen sing without my heart opening and tears flowing. There are many songs, hymns, that make me cry. I turn to them when things seem bleak and I can't find anything else to take my mind off of my situation.

Sometimes talking through things helps. For me it's hard to know what to say. I hate to draw attention to myself.

For now I am happy enough, I've come to a place in my life where things are pretty good. It sure feels good though to feel something pure and sweet, a reminder of simpler times. That's why I love books and music.

SG 

Subtle courage and weakness

It is in the nature of all creatures to seek self-preservation, to fear the unknown. It is easy to retreat when facing an intimidating foe or challenge. It takes grit and courage to face the unknown.

Today I ran across an article about a boy who is being bullied. Stories like this usually recall to mind my own youth and how I handled being bullied.

I was different from other kids, I didn’t understand how they worked. Every day I searched for clues, so I observed others closely. I noticed the easy friendliness of some, and how other kids gravitated to certain charming personalities. But I couldn’t discover the trick of it. There was a swirling miasma of chaos that I was wading through that made it difficult for me to pay attention to the teacher and which made it seem like I was always surrounded by loud noise and hostile people. I sought my chair quickly whenever I would enter a classroom and would stick close to the wall when I was walking down the hall. My stomach always felt bloated, my head ached, I was usually tired, and I was lonely, I wished for a friend to sit with at lunch, to play with at recess, to stand with me against the foreign environment of school.

I had a cousin who was the same age as I, he was intelligent and proud of his intelligence. But he didn’t understand the subtle cues of timing in order to curry favor with the teacher and to avoid the jealousy and hatred of the other students. He knew the answer to the questions and would blurt them out with his hand raised in excitement and I could feel the seething annoyance of everyone else around me. I wanted to disassociate myself with him, trying to avoid being painted with the same brush. But I also wanted to help him and stand up for him.

School was a testing ground. The early years were OK enough, I wandered around in the back of the classroom and ignored everyone until the teacher called me to sit down. It was bearable until the second grade when the mean kids started to make things more difficult. They would trip me as I walked up the stairs, talk bad about me behind my back, and point at me and laugh. In the third-grade things got more intense, I would hide from them at recess, scuffling around the building lest they call out jeers at me. Sometimes I would be able to play on the swing set or hang from the monkey bars but sometimes I was so overwhelmed that I had to hide. 

I’m not sure what grade I was in when they decided to trap my cousin up on top of the double slide. He was screaming at them and crying, the playground monitor didn’t notice or didn’t care. I drew up my courage and went to confront them. I can still remember the acrid taste of acid in my mouth as I told them to let him down. One of them was meaner than the others and she decided to test out the fighting skills that her Dad had taught her. She pushed me with her chest, getting right up in my face saying “want to fight?” over and over. I was barely coherent, muttering to stop, stuttering “no, I don’t, just let him down.” Somehow it ended, I think one of her friends pulled her away.

I didn't feel proud of myself for standing up for my cousin, I felt scared of retaliation. Luckily the school decided that it would try an experiment, they had us divide into different classes to give us a taste of middle school. This got me away from the worst of my tormentors, most of the time. The only time I got stuck with them was in math class, I was stuck in a remedial math class (because math was a swirling miasma of confusion for me) and the mean girls pressured me to give them the answers to the homework assignments. I didn't like this, I wanted out. So I went home and instead of going out to play I sat at my desk working through every chapter in my math book and answered every homework question in the book through the weekend. Then I brought it all in to my teacher and turned it in asking that they put me in the other class. It worked, though the math didn't stick in my head very long so I continued to struggle with it through most of my schooling career. 

This felt like a win but in some ways it was a defeat. Instead of facing the true problem  head on, I took an unconventional way out. I suppose that is a valuable skill in some ways but a crutch in others. At least I've found it to be so when I've used this tactic in other areas of my life.

The last time I really faced these bullies was at the end of the school year in the 6th grade on the very last day. It was hot, our desks had all been cleaned out the day before and there really was no reason for us to be stuck at school except for some arbitrary requirement set by the school board. The kids in the class were bored and had turned to picking on my cousin again and I had had enough. Somehow I gathered up my courage and marched up to the front of the class and told them all off. Didn't they have anything better to do than pick on him? Didn't they know he had feelings too? What made them think they could do that to him? I think the teacher was astounded, the kids dumbfounded, my cousin shocked, but I was too embarrassed to stay in the classroom any longer. I think there was an hour left but I took off and walked home burning with embarrassment the whole way. At least I had the whole summer before I had to face any of them again. When I went back to school I really didn't see the kids from my class, in fact I've forgotten who witnessed that outburst, sometimes I wonder if I really did that or just imagined it. It seems real enough. 

Was this courage? Or was this weakness? I'm not sure. It felt like a bit of both. 

Later in life, in my marriage I found myself alternately facing things head on and retreating. I do the same at work (though to a far lesser degree). 

What does courage really look like in life? I think that facing things, not letting them slide is a big part of courage. Subtle things can make or break relationships so facing them is an important aspect of a courageous relationship. This isn't about nit-picking, it is about acknowledging boundaries and speaking up when a boundary has been broken. 

There is more for me to learn about courage, and facing my weaknesses. The child I was is still there, I need to stick up for her, I can find a way.

SG

I Miss my Bloggy Friends

2008 was a pivotal year for me. I had been a stay at home mom with my daughter Roxie for 2 years and I had loved being able to be with her. Yet pressures had been building up in my marriage for a long time and I felt trapped. I had no recourse for companionship (other than the limited friendships that I had at church) so I started a blog in September of that year trying to find other like minded people to discuss things with. Through that process I found many new friends and we formed a community by visiting each others blogs and commenting on their posts.

Blogging was an important step for me, I had been living in a narrow world and now I had an international audience to share my thoughts with. I had CathM an English major in England, Michelle an office worker in Australia, Renee a cancer patient in the US, John a wander, a poet a lovely lost soul who always managed to help me find my humanity. There was Rick, a trucker poet in the US and STAR a thoughtful poet in the UK. Christine a wonderful poet, and selfless friend. There was Ajey who later became an important part of my life and Graham and Mike, those two were hilarious posters on each others blogs and as random pop posters on mine and other peoples blogs.

It is astounding how much can change from year to year. I was living at the time in a duplex and life felt hopeless some times. We didn't have enough money to pay for things, let alone save any money up for a home of our own. There were things broken that I didn't have the power to fix (though I fixed many things and replaced the blinds) but for the most part I tried to take a philosophical approach to my situation, finding solace in the nearby river trail and park that we could walk to.

I would take pictures along the way and find a sense of fulfillment in making artwork out of daydreams. We had group picture challenges every Friday and I would post my finds.

I tried to learn how to make all of our food from scratch, I loved the challenge of making homemade tamales, spaghetti, lasagna, bread, cinnamon rolls... everything I could. Then I loved sharing the recipes with the blogging world.

What I'm saying is that I woke up this morning feeling a sense of loss for what I had in the blogging community. I've found myself in much busier circumstances and it's not often that I take the time to get out and create but I'm trying to change that.

To old friends, I miss you. To other bloggers, I look forward to discovering your blogs.

SG

Talking Things Through

What is difficult for me is writing about the things I worry over. You see, I know that other people have similar concerns to mine, but my insecurities poke holes into my self confidence despite my knowing that my insecurities are irrational and perhaps also knowing that they are entirely rational in some ways as well.

Such is the fate of someone who is introspective and observant. I fear that I am too serious, that people shy away from my company because of the depth of intensity with which I try so hard to comply to the social norms. I feel I must come across as disingenuous. 

Body issues are an area where many woman face criticism and we are told many things about how to feel. That our bodies are beautiful no matter what they look like, but this does not ring true in a society that does value a specific look. It is very hard for me sometimes to drown out the chorus of  voices that are in discord with each other. Society doesn't really make it easy to live in harmony and acceptance of who we are. It is difficult to age gracefully in a world that values youth and beauty. I struggle to believe that I am beautiful when I look in the mirror and see the signs of aging, and a body that is not trim and fit.

Then there are times when I wonder why I struggle so much for education, because paradoxically the more that I strive to learn, the more out of touch I feel. I look at those who don't care as much as I do and wonder why I'm still trying so hard. Sometimes I see that they are loved and adored because of a genuineness of personality that I find hard to match, maybe I'm mixing together things that are not related. But somehow it feels that way to me. 

There are so many self-help books, so many guru's of wisdom, so many people that are giving advice that it feels like I am lacking in fundamental ways when I hear all of the advice and find I have no time to follow it.

Then I also feel like the root problem of all is that I am working so much that it's hard to let myself be free to be myself. 

I guess sometimes I get feeling down on myself and I shouldn't, but such is life.

SG

Scared but Moving Forward

Today I took another brave step and went back to Toastmasters. I was writing a nice speech about ideas but it wasn't nearly polished enough for me to give it so I feel back on poetry as my theme. This went over well enough, I knew that I couldn't bore them reciting excerpts from "The Raven" or Rudyard Kiplings poem "If." I've read these poems enough to not stumble over much over the words... I was cheating a little bit though going this route. I have decided that even though my tongue feels like I've touched it to a 9 volt battery and I feel like I've ran a race after every speech I've given that I should keep going to Toastmasters. I need the discipline of actually writing and editing speeches and I need the practice of getting up to talk in front of people. I am introverted so these types of challenges are very draining and I need a lot of time to recharge after them, but perhaps by continuing I can improve my presence of mind when talking to other people. I've figured out that I am perfectly fine chatting with people but after a few non-challant sentences I run out of things to say. That's when my brain freezes up and I panic. This is the biggest single thing that has kept me from progressing at work. I see certain flaws/weaknesses in myself like this and know that I can't will them away from reading a book and no amount of interesting Youtube videos on charisma will help me unless I interact with people more consistently both on a casual basis and formally as well. So Toastmasters it is!

SG

Small Bits of Writing

All I want to do is write a bit, just a bit.

Write a line or two about the things that I don't understand, but want to.

Like prejudice and racism. Bigotry and misogyny.

What makes people boring?

The 9 Most Boring Behaviors

1. Negative Egocentrism
2. Banality
3. Low affectivity
4. Tediousness
5. Passivity
6. Self-Preoccupation
7. Seriousness

I have been exploring what it means to let go of the things that I have thought I have needed to do in order to focus on what I really have wanted to do for a long time.

Ever see those shows where people have been brainwashed and set before their computers, all they do is type, type, type all day and that is all they know. Well, that's how I feel most days.

There's an inner struggle occurring in my head every day. That's probably the problem, I want to do something else but I'm stuck here.

I relinquish you from striving to become anything but yourself. No more fretting about accomplishing things that bring you misery, now and forever your 1 task is to love what you are doing.

My thoughts, my mind, my dreams

7/25/14

I find it slightly ironic that I have spent the last 6 years of my life eschewing the opinion of doctors, exploring avenues of natural healing, only to find that I am at last wrapping myself around the cutting edge of scientific discovery to find the answers.

Within this realm there are many points of view on what is efficacious. There are herbalists, who heal with herbs, observable results (observable side effects) and there are "homeopathic healers" who heal with placebos (the mind is powerful but not all encompassing, the placebo effect only goes so far).

If Pain Were a Currency

I feel like pain does teach us that each drop of blood we shed is a

7/27/2014

When your personal space has been violated, when you have been physically assaulted in some way, it is not just the act in and of itself that is traumatizing.

-Facing the perpetrator
-Reporting the perpetrator to the police - repeating what has been done in the cold impersonal court house or police building.
-Being given mounds of paperwork, mounds of "helpful" pamplets, with a confusing array of "helpful" places to go.
-Getting shots for STD's because your attacker might have one.
-Finding out that

4/4/2014

How can I make this work for me? I cleared out a lot of the clutter in my room, I get overwhelmed by clutter. Irrational sometimes about it. I don't know what else I could add or take away from my diet/life in order to make that feeling go away. It's hard to focus sometimes.

Maybe I need to give up my habit of eating yogurt every day. I've given up milk before and sometimes I notice that my head gets cleared up and other times I don't even notice a difference.

12/15/2013

I have a tendency to not say, what I need to say. I guess it's me trying to protect myself from harm, but it ends up being hurtful.

Notes from the day: 12/3/13

The problem exists and the only way to get rid of the problem is to be away from the problem.

This must not occur, this must occur

She asked 'you are in love, what does love look like' to which I replied 'everything I've ever lost, come back to me.' ― Nayyirah Waheed

11/25/13

I joined up with "Toastmasters" several months ago with the laudable purpose of improving my speaking skills.

Unfortunately I hit a brick wall, ironically, with the first assignment. To speak about myself. I did end up giving a speech about myself, it was strained and dry... basic facts about my birthplace, size of family, where I went to school... about being married to a Tongan and divorced. About going to school for a bachelors degree, yet loving English and my longing to spend my time writing instead of with booking orders.

The speech I should have given.

For the most part I am not a shy person. Shyness is a coverall term for someone who is unable to express themselves to others. I used shyness as an easy explanation for my inability to speak while growing up.

11/24/13

Most of what I think stays up in my mind as an opinion, unshared. Which is probably for the best since I don't believe human beings could get very far if they blurted every thought out...

But the habit is not useful when I should speak and don't. I think part of the problem is that it is a felt thought. An emotion tied up with restraint. A lot of times I don't want to be responsible for the chain of events that will end something that needs to end, but that I will feel guilt and sadness over... and remorse.

This is my filtered blog. What I wont show to the world. A place where I can speak my mind without fear of judgement.

Relationships

Do I miss having them around? Do I feel like there's a gap in my day-to-day routine because of their absence? Am I relishing my alone time? Do I feel more like myself, like I can breathe again? "Depending on your answers to these questions, you'll know if 'taking a break' has been a stepping stone to a stronger, better relationship, or if it's the first step towards an impending breakup,"

For quite some time I have been grappling with two main issues which are getting the kids to clean and figure out what to make for dinner. I believe that my problems have stemmed from what is known as the "Executive Control" center in the brain. Which is located in the frontal lobe. I was in a state of perpetual planning but not able to follow through with my plans.

One of the most important things you can learn about yourself is how you learn. Do you learn better in groups or on your own? In the morning or the evening? By listening, writing, or teaching?ring out what to make for dinner.

Why is it that I have a dozen things to talk about, but cannot form the questions when I have a moment to bring them up with someone? It is a tragedy!

I had to leave Ajey as well, I wanted it to work but more and more I felt that it wouldn't.

5/18/13

My life is full of good days interspersed by the craziness that is living. I have so many things just sitting around my house that I'm hanging on to but don't really need.

Why is it that I have a dozen things to talk about, but cannot form the questions when I have a moment to bring them up with someone? It is a tragedy!

3/6/2013

So, we may or may not end up in Hawaii over spring break... depending upon how much the cost. We shall see, it's all up to Sam at the moment.

I woke up slightly earlier today, put together stuff for a pot roast, put it in the slow cooker. I'm going to leave work early and go to see the mummies at the Leonardo museum in SLC with John, that's going to be fun.

Jan 30, 2013

I worked from home today which was somewhat good and somewhat bad.

It's nice to chill on my couch and to at least SOMEWHAT be here while my kids are here. I say somewhat because for the most part I'm tied down with work.

The bad, burning my dinner because I'm wrapped up on a project. I'm VERY happy I stuck with it and got it done though...

Jan 14, 2013

I get jealous pretty easily, it's not cool really. Just seeing pictures of Ajey with friends or family... or today a picture of him smiling, happy, seemingly not a care in the world made me feel jealous, especially when some random girl commented and he was super friendly to her.

Jan 4, 2013

Dating is a strange concept to me. Meet up with someone, make sure you don't scare them away by telling them your life history haha ;), chat about random generalities... keep meeting up until you decide you want to have a relationship... hmmm I think that's how it works.

For me relationships tend to go from "Hi, you're cute" to "Let's get married" which is sort of unnerving.

Dec 26, 2012

I've been watching "Merlin." It is all about life, death, honor and friendship. That's what I like about it.

Unknown

What is important? It's important to me to figure out at the moment what I really want out of life. Am I expecting too much? Am I hoping for too much? It seems my life has been a process of letting go of old expectations.

What I want in a relationship. I want a mutually strong and balanced relationship. I am comfortable with myself as a woman, a beautifully secure woman. I value intelligence, spiritual, emotional, physical and intellectual intelligence. If the man I'm considering seems shallow, it's a deal breaker, it's a no go.

I am a storyteller, I love stories about myths, legends, personal stories. I love the intimacy of sharing stories.

Dreaming Oddly as of Late

My dreams seem to have common themes. Water, babies, my children, driving to escape the apocalyptic floods. Also trying to find a place to get dressed... awkward.

In a recent combination of events I was struggling to maintain a spot on top of a hill where I was trying to keep me and the kids safe from the oncoming floods.

What can I say in the middle of the day, in the middle of interrupted thoughts and no answers to questions I wish I knew to ask?

For instance:

While under the influence of "Sesame" (I think the cause) I had the feeling of being high. I felt like I could run very easily and in fact my lungs were open and I could take in a great quantity of air. I felt like my nerves were tingling. Every feeling was deepened, I felt great sorrow, great joy. My taste buds were super sensitive, I had some ice-cream and it was like heaven. I could feel life force emanating from my fingers, feet, into the ground. But I was sensitive to light (it gave me a great headache) and I had a hard time keeping track of time. Plus I was uninhibited, I just plopped down right in the middle of the floor wherever I was and would change my daughters diaper (in the middle of the Optometrists office). 

Who am I without my beliefs? Who am I if I feel nothing?

Court of Miracles men who play at cards. Perth Western Australia. As he is, a man who speaks with high minded dignity, yet with an inelegant tongue, resembling the combination of French and slurred English.

Sep 4, 2011

Blogging is a somewhat odd method of sharing thoughts, communicating ideas, communing in general. For me the easiness with which I share my thoughts has seemed to vacillate between two extremes, saying a lot or saying very little. It is a world stage, anyone could be reading at any moment, thus for me being on stage in this way can be quite the deterrent.

Plus I have a difficulty with putting into words thoughts that are personal.

I've had an odd week, at times relieved because I've been focusing more on my kids, at times perturbed with myself...

May 13, 2011 Talking with Ila Jones Sometimes I have these moments of realization,

Mar 17, 2011 Silence, Sometimes I just feel like being silent. It is not as though there are no words to say, it's just that I've said them, and don't know what else to say.

Jun 27, 2010
Some things can't be rushed, though impatience often comes to bear sway.
Life gathers like the dews on the grass in the morning, condensing into droplets, a fine mist evaporating with the sun.
Yet we would like to speed things up, perhaps fill a spray bottle and spray the grass... make things happen.

May 31, 2010 One of my greatest weaknesses, is not being able to prevent hurt to others...

Jan 20, 2010

The beauty of moving forward

As of late I've realized that staying in one place is not an option, in life you are either moving forward or you are falling back.

I used to make big goals, big plans, and I wasn't unrealistic about them as I knew they would take quite a bit of work but somewhere along the line

Nov 26, 2009 The other fun thing about today is our odd way of sticking somewhat absurd

My heart goes out to the victims and the families of the Fort Hood Shooting. What a tragedy

Oct 19, 2009

Religion, decisive, a uniter, a guidance, the heart of lives.

John Lenons song asks us to imagine there is no heaven,


Jul 23, 2009

There is an hour when all of your hopes and wishes meet, some powerful force which looks down on mortal will and decides that the time is right, now, for you to choose your destiny.

You have searched, often led by circumstance and fancy


Apr 8, 2009

Advertisements For Odd Stuff

In my family we have odd conversations around the dinner table on Sunday. We amuse ourselves by coming up with advertisements for radom stuff.

Here is but a few of the many wonderful things that have yet to be invented...

Better Butter

"If you like butter, you'll like butter better, you'll like Better Butter in a can!!"

Apr 6, 2009

Funny, funny, funny!!

Out in the jungles off of the Australian continent, on Elko Island, lives an aboriginal tribe of hunters. Very primitive peoples who's day to day life is much the same way as their ancestors, they use many of the same methods and tools in order to hunt and survive.

Australians gathered in droves to "Australia's Got Talent" to see the magnificent display of their tribal talent.

Perhaps they may dance an ancient tribal war dance? Who knows. With clay covered bodies they prepare to amaze...

Apr 5, 2009

The night had been long, it was as if someone had come along to snatch the sleep out of her brain. Laying there her thoughts naturally turn to things that she wanted to write about, her mind composing stories easily, revising, compiling on and on. She snatch up the pillow, disgruntled at it, plump it up and then laid head down again, still finding that her head is painfully devoid of sleep. Listening to the white noise of the box fan by the window, she opens her eyes to stare blankly at the ceiling. The air is so dry, her throat is parched but she refuses to get out of bed. She turns slightly


Apr 5, 2009 I Like Anne of Green Gables

I am a lot like Anne of Green Gables. The beautiful heroine of Lucy Maude Montgomery's books about a young orphan girl that was adopted by a spinster lady "Marilla" and her brother "Matthew."

Anne is very fanciful, very romantic. She is enraptured a lot by things and certain people. In fact people that she likes she calls "Kindred Spirits," she is very loyal and caring. Anne is very connected with nature, she loves trees, flowers, rivers...

Sometimes Anne gets carried away, she sometimes talks too much or say's things she shouldn't say and it is hard for people to understand her.

Anne is stuborn, Anne is passionate, she works very hard to learn and do things. Sometimes she is foolish but she always means well.

and so do I...

Here are links to my favorite parts, You-Tube won't let you embed some of them...

Anne reading "The Lady of Chalotte"

Anne meets Matthew - She tells him that she would have slept in the cherry tree if he hadn't of come (a very romantic notion) and then talks continuously until they get to Green Gables.

Anne breaks her slate over Gilbert Blithe's head. (Don't you just love her green hair, that's how I feel when I dye my hair. Yikes!!)

Anne Hanging from the bridge. (After playing "The Lady of Challote")

Reciting "The Highway Man" at the White Sands hotel. (About Mid-Way through it).

Megan Follows Audition - She has such charming expressions and way about her.

A little piece of writing from 1/9/2011

Somehow hide the dark shadows under the covers in a corner of your room, there they will stay if no one takes a peek and you'd better hope that they won't because there are the knives, there are the nails, there lies the twisting prickling pain. It is better that it stays hidden, for who knows what might happen if unleashed, who knows?

The birds caw and call to each other, there outside in the cold frozen world. They are little warm bodies in motion, flying about before the heat leaves them, while the sun shines.

There in the ice crystal hunting grounds lies the bounty they seek, life teeming in hidden hollows. For what does it seem to be, this life? The anesthetic hides the truth, that life is pain.

Spicy burning wood scents the air, nostalgia for something, a promise from yesterday, a renewal, a destruction?

The Tale of Vasalisa and introducing my Evil Step Sisters

Some thoughts from reading "Women Who Run with Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I first published this 8/9/2011.

This is a deeply spiritual book, not religious, but spiritual. Clarissa Pinkola Estes has gathered stories from all over the world and touches the deepest part of the psyche of Women which is a healing salve to those of us with broken spirits and those of us who want to grow.

This is the tale of Vasalisa in part

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasilisa_the_Beautiful

This is the better version, though not quite as Ms. Estes describes as she mentions that the doll warns Vasalisa of danger and guides  her thus representing Vasalisas intuition.

http://www.oldrussia.net/vas.html

In the tale, Vasalisas mother dies, but before doing so she bequeaths a doll to Vasalisa telling her to feed it and care for it and that it will bless her.

In Ms. Estes interpretation the mothers death represents our overprotective mother which we all have to let go of at some time.

The second task deals with the rotten stepfamily, step mother and step sisters who make it inconvenient for someone who is too nice. For being too nice creates a burden for the too nice person, they become slaves.

So I need to become familiar with "one's own shadow nature, particularly the exlusionary, jealous, and exploitative aspects of self (the stepmother and stepsisters)." "Letting the pressure build between who one is taught to be and who one really is. Ultimately working toward letting the old self die and the new intuitive self be born."

Estes points out that "in this stage of initiation, a woman is harassed by the petty demands of her psyche which exhort her to comply with whatever anyone wishes. Compliance causes a shocking realization that must be registered by all women. That is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves. (A) tormenting tension (that) must be borne... the choice is clear."

I've not understood this aspect of myself, why I have been complying with "whatever anyone wishes." In a sense I have cast myself away, hated myself for my compliance, doubted my ability to make wise decisions. I recall clearly saying yes when I wanted to say no.

Estes calls this being "disenfranchised," treated as an outsider, being an outcast. The outcast usually being the one who is most deeply connected to the knowing nature.

I have a lot to do to overcome my "Evil Step Sisters" so to speak.

SG

Alchemy

I have been reading The Alchemist

Who is this person that I am trying to become? I have been yearning after this self image for quite some time, my whole life.

It is simply that I want to be beautiful, poised, capable and confident. I want order.

What do I want in a relationship, to be understood. I want to have mutual understanding as well.

The weakness that I perceive to be my biggest is the difficulty that I've had in communicating well. The second most difficult for me is consistency. 

Projects

I love projects! Ever since I was a little girl I was always up to something (some would say "up to no good"). Have you ever built a Rube Goldberg machine? I think they are so much fun to design and build, so time consuming but so satisfying. I created a gumball machine out of cardboard and car tracks, I was a bit obsessed with gumball machines when I was little. My brother and I created a magic box out of a refrigerator box, we stacked a smaller box on top and put in a "trap" door, so much fun! I created a pulley system between my window and my friends in the neighboring window, so that we could pass things back and forth in a basket. It was so much fun! I hated to wake up in the morning so I built a pulley system out of thumb tacks and string so that I could turn the light off after my mom had turned it on. Sadly the boat my brother and I created out of 2x4's and plywood couldn't even be moved let alone float on the river (as we hoped) but it did become the platform for our rope swing later on. There has always been something energizing about coming up with new things to do. My youngest brother and I recently started to record some things together, he is in the audio engineering program at UVU and I just think it would be awesome to record music and voice-over's, so we make a good team. Last fall, when I found myself in a situation of needing to get a new home, I kept my eye out for one with a bit of extra space. We were in the middle of the Year End crunch time when a link came through from my relator to a Condo in Orem that I could afford with 2,200 sq ft., so I pull it up and start glancing through the pictures. First of all I was attracted to the small piece of land behind the condo, space for a garden! Then I came across the picture of the 'bonus room' and I was convinced that this was the place for me! So I call up my relator, he gets me an appointment to see the place that night, I get there and walk through it and the whole time my little checklist of things that I want in a home are being marked off… the only thing I didn't like was the flooring in the upstairs and the kitchen. The 'bonus room' was exactly what I was looking for, I could see the potential for a recording space right away. Plus the rest of the space would be perfect for a little dance studio for my son. He dances Break Dance and Hip-Hop. So I put in an offer, it was accepted and I ended up with my very first condo! Then it came time to get everything, I was a fanatic for a while there, researching and gathering all of the pieces together. Now that my space has been created, and I can explore this new opportunity to learn how to speak. On to my next project, I don't know what it will be yet, but I know it will be fun!

Qualities I Want in the Person I Date, aspire to Myself:

I'm clearing out my drafts folder on my blog and noticed this list which I found some time ago. I think the sentiments still apply, though I realize no one is perfect and that these are aspirational  qualities and not necessarily characteristics that someone is going to have in completeness.

1. Takes excellent care of his body. (This means no drugs, addictions, or unsafe practices.)

2. Great relationship with family and friends. Treats all people with respect. 

3. Integrity and responsibility: they do what they say and don't blame others. They are solution-oriented instead of problem-oriented. 

4. Secure in themselves. A good idea of who they are and what they want. They don't have to chase after others' attention or cheap thrills. They don't have to brag or be arrogant either. They resist the urge to make others jealous. 

5. Open and giving. Able to give compliments and tell people how they feel. Not self-centered.

6. Over their exs and can be mature enough to be alone. 

7. Has had solid relationships in the past and understands you can have loved and still needed a change. Someone who has forgiven their past and can forgive mine. 

8. Someone with passion and drive who also gets excited about my passions. 

9.  A joyful person, with a moral compass, who radiates genuine well-being and positivity. 

10. Brave enough to be vulnerable.

The role of sentiment...

Sentiment is a tug at our heartstrings, it can bring a tear to the eye, a wistfulness for what once was, it can leave an unsatisfactory feeling of regret of "Could have been" or "Should have been."

Sentiment can bring on flights of fancy, imagining a nostalgic world where the perfect home and life exists... blooming ideals. Somehow life as it is can break your heart, if it is too far off from sentimental dreams.

Sentimental dreams can easily be snatched away in the grind of daily life. Much easier to dream of handsome dashing hero's, than to find them...

SG

In the Comfort Zone

Living life outside of the comfort zone. 

I have found that I learn the most when I push myself outside of my comfort zones.

There is a concept of order vs. chaos, order seemingly the better of the two. 

When I was a little girl I preferred nestling myself down among the chaos that was our family room/basement and creating order out of the chaos. I had this passion for organizing it all and the desire to learn about everything. Somehow I thought that I would be able to relate to people better if I knew more about things. I wanted to pause time so that I could study it all and then un-pause time to start my life. I guess the root of this is that I really like to think deeply about things and find it hard to discuss my thoughts with others until I have gotten a grasp on what I think about them. 

I am uncomfortable when I have to give an opinion about something that I haven't thought very much on. Especially if it's a hot button topic like politics. Partially this stems from a desire to not rock the boat, and partially it comes from a desire to avoid looking like an idiot and/or going against public opinion. I prefer to really state my opinions only when I have fully formed my opinions and not just go with the consensus of the crowd. I am embarrassed whenever I do state things off the cuff... 

In some ways this is a good thing, it is a measured life and I consider myself to be a reasonable person most of the time. In some ways this is a bad thing because it takes me a long time to decide what I believe to be true and in the meantime I can't pause time like I desire to so life passes by while I am on the sidelines thinking about things.

So the comfort zone, things that are outside of my comfort zone are things that disrupt my schedule or that put me into situations where I have to be assertive and somewhat spontaneous. I like to get out and do things but I like to plan to get out and do things OR do spontaneous things after I've gotten what I need to do taken care of first. 

I really have to force myself to go to team events, go down to the lunch room for lunch, or do other activities especially when I have a lot of things to do at work. 

Games People Play - How being nice can be the wrong answer.

"I have not found it helpful or effective in my relationships with other people to try to maintain a facade; to act in one way on the surface when I am experiencing something quite different underneath' - Carl Rogers

Sometimes people play "games", something like this:

Him: You've done something wrong, I am upset (but not admitting to it)
Her: I'm not sure what I did wrong, how can I make it better
Him: I'm not really upset
Her: You seem upset
Him: Not really

Her: Feels bad, not sure why or what to do about it.

Her Needs: For approval, for time alone, for calm happiness, "I must be reasonable", "I must be helpful", "I must be strong", "I must be perfect", "I must win", "I must please others."

His Needs: For reassurance, for power, "I must provoke you", "I must make you feel weak", "I must expose your flaws", "I must threaten disapproval."

How to counteract the game playing by going against some thoughts about how you have to be. When you start to think these things or feel this way think of doing the opposite.

"I must be polite"
    "I will be polite when I want to be polite"

"I must be perfect"
     "I don't have to be perfect"

If your need for harmony means that you try to keep the peace in the family, try not keeping the peace. Sometimes you need to break out of the myth that being nice is the answer to the problems you are facing.

https://uvoasis.com/events/2018/4/8/holly-robbins-how-being-nice-destroys-civil-dialogue

Third in a series on TA, offering some of the metaphors I think can be useful in conceptualizing and dealing with interactions. This third video takes a closer look at gimmicks and some different perspectives they can be viewed from — including gimmicks as faulty rules, faulty roles and faulty definitions — and then possible ways out. — Recommended TA texts: 1) Ian Stewart & Vann Joines: 'TA Today: A New Introduction To Transactional Analysis' 2) Thomas A Harris: 'I'm OK, You're OK' 3) Eric Berne: 'Games People Play' — videos in the series
TA1 — ego states and transactions https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKNyF... TA2 — games theory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOqJ4... TA3 — gimmicks TA appendix i — YouTube games https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe8Kz... TA appendix ii — religion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Eam-...

Ideas good and bad

There's something we all encounter every single day of our lives, ideas. They filter into our consciousness without us fully realizing it. Some ideas are benign, others are harmful but difficult to place so we believe they are originating from truth. We need to pause sometimes and question our thoughts, quest out to find the root and decide what is really helpful to us and what we need to discard. Sometimes this process is difficult, we might need a sounding board to help us work through difficult thoughts and decisions, that is O.K., perfectly normal.

Human Dilemma

I think that a great dilemma for human beings is that we want to have the closeness of relationships but find it difficult to intolerable to put up with other people, their foibles, their weaknesses, and all of the drama that comes into our lives from dealing with other people. Perhaps a big part of this problem stems from a great cycle of misunderstandings. Or of power plays, which preys on the weaknesses of others, the great struggle between the Haves and the Have Nots.

Some have won the gene lottery of life and have great looks and intelligence and also have had a good family to grow up in.

Then there are those of us who have struggled. Some have grown up with parents who know how to model appropriate behavior or we just didn't see it because there parents weren't there. There are some who have had the good parents but other misfortune has befallen them.

We miss the links that society used to hold to other people: Grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, neighbors, it feels like we are all living such isolated lives. Society is beautiful and horrible.

Our civilization has degraded into ignorance our customs and manners have some somewhat been set aside and in other ways we've become nobler.

We declared as a people we want to be more tolerant understanding, kinder, but wishing doesn't make it so, effort on the part of many to change is the only way to get there.

maybe we need to revisit some of the niceties customs that we have set aside and embrace them especially and the spirit of showing respect to ourselves to our fellow human beings

My heart reaches out to all those who suffer from loneliness and despair, frustrating relationships, empty relationships, empty lives, if only we could find a way to love people without all of the  jealousy and insecurities and the potent sense of loss when things don't work out.

Developing EQ (Emotional Intelligence)

Several years ago now I found myself in desperate need to join the workforce. I was in the process of a messy complicated divorce (when are they ever neat?) and I had to try and find a job. I had a degree, however the only experience that I had was in retail and fast food, not in an office (apart from a 5 month temp job) so I found myself at a disadvantage.

First of all I didn't know how to interview, I was reclusive and shy both traits were not conducive to developing interpersonal skills. Next I didn't know how to write a resume, lucky for me a good blogger friend helped me there. Lastly I really didn't know what a day to day job in an office would be like so I was quite unprepared and awkward when I did land a job.

My first position was with a fly by night home security company and their accounting department was a mess. The manager was wrapped up in an enormous project to automate all of their processes using sql and didn't have the time to train. The other employee's had settled into their grooves and didn't really have time for training either so I was paired with different people every day to learn their processes. I was awkward, but persistent in learning and documenting the processes in use. Eventually I was asked to be a supervisor. Unfortunately I was not prepared to do all of the tasks of a supervisor and all of the tasks of a worker as well. My interaction with those I was supervising was ineffective and frustrating, but not surprising given how little time I had spent in the workforce.

I had to quit that job, I was overwhelmed and working way too hard (I'd spent entire nights trying to figure out how to do things at times and didn't log my hours). I didn't know how to prevent myself from being taken advantage of and that wasn't the place to figure it out at anyway.

Fortunately for me the resume that my blogger friend made for me was good enough that I got noticed by a recruiter for a temp job at Adobe. This was a lucky break! I got hired on as a "Datasteward" which was meant to be a 6 month Adobe project but which turned out to be a longer term position. I worked with an experienced, supportive and savvy manager who put a really fantastic team lead in charge and she was my first example of how to interact with others well in the workplace.

Unfortunately my first job had left it's scars, I was terrified somehow of messing up. I worked well with the team lead Kathy and we successfully built a process that incorporated the expensive IBM tool that Adobe had bought with some other tools that Adobe had built internally and turned the initiative into what Adobe had set out to accomplish with the Data Steward team (in fact creating a whole new worldwide team in the process).

However I was insecure about being able to handle being the manager of the team when Kathy left, I was doing OK as team lead for a few months but taking on all of the responsibility was a bit intimidating. I knew there were gaps in my understanding of how to work in a large company and I didn't want those gaps to be revealed. SO I jumped at a chance to join the Order Management team as an analyst when one of the managers at the time noticed my bachelors degree and urged me to apply.

For the first few years of the job as an Order Management rep I was really nervous about making mistakes. I would ask over and over again about procedure and conveyed an aura of incompetency because of this. I poured my heart into improving the process documents that they had on file but still felt frustrated at times. We moved to a new building and we moved to a new invoicing system and I poured my heart into documenting all that came with the changes.

During this time I was trying to develop my EQ, interactions with my manager were strained, I was so worried about mistakes and he was focusing on mistakes during every meeting. My strength at capturing processing procedures became a weakness when it came to actually following the procedures because I mixed myself up with the changing tides of policy.

After several years of this I went back to school to get my MBA and went through several major emotional events (break up with fiance, break up with boyfriend, MBA, engagement, wedding, 2nd divorce) and this all affected my attention and focus at work.

I was extremely disappointed when my colleague was promoted to manager (and praised for her efforts on the process doc team) and I was constantly being called to task for my error rate and not recognized for my contributions to the process documentation effort.

This embedded a seed of jealousy, hurt and resentment that colored my working days and festered at night. It was frustrating, I really, REALLY wanted to leave but I had to finish my MBA and find a good comparable job to apply for.

Well, I had to learn patience and I had to learn to purge the jealousy, hurt and resentment because they were doing me no good. When I got my MBA I was being asked why I didn't move on, my answer is this.

I needed to develop the job skills that experience would give me and I needed to develop my EQ by sticking it out and working on being a part of a team.

It takes time, it takes patience, it means not giving up when the going gets tough. I'm working on developing friendships with the people I work with, learning how to applaud others even when I get overlooked. After all it seems to me that a good pleasant, personable personality is a valuable skill to possess.

SG

Finding My Magic

All of my life I have believed in the potential of learning. I would stack books up with the intention of reading each weighty tome. The thought was that if I could just read enough then I would understand how to interact with people and that would make me acceptable to others in society.

When I viewed my stack of books as a little girl, I had a certain kind of hope that they would cure me of my ignorance. It was only the ones that I opened, along with the risks that I have taken out in the world that have opened me up to the learning that I knew I could find.

I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. She has helped me to have a new perspective on the creative process. In a way my stacks of books were barriers to engaging with the world, hiding behind what I thought I needed to have in order to be admitted into the club of life. I see now that I can dedicate myself to the pursuit of the things I love despite my imperfections.

For instance in my dream to become a writer I have had a fear that I won't be able to create character dialogue, because I don't get out and talk to many people. I think now that if I show up and put in the hours to develop the craft, then I will get better at it.

I have looked at life through a narrow lens because it has been difficult for me to interact with other people. Somewhat shy as a child, but more fearful and ignorant than anything, and so sensitive (I thought people were talking behind my back all the time), I just didn't understand what motivated others to think and act the way that they did.

Now with the benefit of hindsight I can see that perhaps those children were not as awful to me as I thought, I just didn't have the skills to interact with them.

Knowledge can only truly be acquired through firsthand experience and thought. As I have lived and gained experience, the thoughts and understanding of other people enrich my understanding. But only when I am engaging with others in activity. I have to purposefully do the things that I am scared to do, purposefully push past my fears and discomfort, and try things even though I am not good at them. I have to be present in my life even when I am failing, live and sit with discomfort until I understand what it is and how I can move forward even when I think I have failed and that I am no good.

Learning requires these things of us. Learning requires faith.

Faith is a principle of activity in the present, in order to bring forth a hoped for future. It cannot be exercised on past events, they have already passed, faith can only be exercised on future events.

So now, I am going to have faith in myself that I will engage with life, and participate in the creative endeavors that have brought me so much joy in the past. Not out of some hope of becoming wildly successful and famous but out of a need to create.

Go out there and learn. Dream big, do things that bring you joy. Magic.

SG

Facing Emotional Trials

One of the most difficult skills to develop is the skill of being present with another human being without imposing your own discomfort or interjecting your own point of view upon them.

As a society we try to skirt over bad feelings, avoid them at all costs. Bad feelings are inconvenient, they are uncomfortable, they take time to process and time to heal. 

When you are asked how are you doing? Do you say "I'm fine"? That is how the majority will answer and it is unexpected to hear a different answer. 

I think we need to be more accepting of  negative feelings. When someone is telling of their pain, try not to immediately jump in trying to solve or dismiss it. Simply listen and encourage them, be there for them. This is a difficult thing to do, I've discovered this especially when my daughter woke up in the hospital a few weeks ago in a great deal of pain and confusion. 

It is then when I sat by her bedside at a loss that I discovered how difficult it is to give emotional support. I couldn't hug her, I couldn't do much for her at all except give her a moistened sponge and scratch her feet for her. I had to grapple with those feelings of inadequacy that we all sometimes struggle with and just admit that the power I had was to just be there. 

We hide from sad things, but without an understanding of the difficult and sad part of life it is more difficult and sad to try and deal with sad things when they do come along.

Take some time and listen to this talk by Susan David | The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage and learn a bit about facing hard things.

Finding ways to help out the earth...

Today is Earth Day, hopefully some of you will take the time to assess the decisions you make on a day to day basis that have an impact on the Earth. Sometimes I wish that "progress" had brought us to a different state of being. One of harmony and peace with the earth and with others.

We spend so much of our time in individual or corporate pursuits that we become isolated from others and lose the ability to think and communicate with each other. There are times when I feel like it would be nice to have discussions with my family and friends and find everyone dispersed and unwilling.

In any case this is the world that we live in, whether or not you believe in global warming, care about the extinction of a variety of animals and plants, or the cleanliness of your community it makes a difference.

So find a way to help out the planet, I'm going to buy me a Nifty Nabber, it looks like just the thing to help me to help out the earth!

Unger Professional Nifty Nabber, 36”

Working, a blessing and a curse

This week I have been working late every day. It's due to our company's Quarter End where they give no quarter to meet their ends.

I find it difficult to be stuck at work, I have an active mind and I'm constantly thinking of new things that I want to do so it is hard to stay focused sometimes.

Work is a force to focus you on a task, it is a requirement, no getting out of it. It is a means to an end and that end is not necessarily the end that you desire.

Working for a company is in some ways a privilege and a burden. In life there are many things like that, to gain the privilege of earning money you exchange the burden of going to work at a certain time, staying however long they require and doing what they want you to do. In exchange you earn a certain amount of money.

It is hard for me to listen to motivational pep videos where they are urging you to "follow your dreams," "do what you love," and then the theory is that you will be successful and never work a day in your life because you are doing something fulfilling and it doesn't fill like work.

There is a big part of me that wants to jump on board with these ultra peppy huzza talks but another more cynical part of me thinks of all the projects that I have started and not followed through on. All of the things that I love that aren't necessarily going to earn me any money. Is it negative self talk? Self doubt? or is it reality?

Freedom!

Much of my life has been spent in the pursuit of freedom, I could also say in the pursuit of fitting in.

Opening my eyes in the morning is a restless battle between the world of dreams in which I am trying to find a satisfying solution to the drama of my dreams and the "oh shit" moment of realization that it is time to get up and get ready for work.

Depending upon the amount and quality of sleep of the night, or the amount of parental guilt that I'm feeling at the moment I will either get up and make some sort of breakfast and then take a bath before getting ready for work or I will nestle deeper into my pillow and silence the alarm until the kids come banging on the door for a ride to school. My dear Patrick has taken on this duty at times for which I am simultaneously grateful and yet aware that I should drag myself out of bed and do myself.

I view the world as a tableau of events, a glaring bathroom light (which I switch off as quickly as possible), a fuzzy outline of the refrigerator, desperate gulps of water as the night has dehydrated me and the fresh new light of day breaking over the mountain, street and trees. I've decided to simplify my life by wearing the same type of clothes every day. Dark jeans and a dark blue t-shirt. Why? Honestly there are just so many decisions that we have to make everyday that it can get exhausting. I want to be creative and classy in my choice of clothing but I hate buying things just to buy them, I feel like I need to have enough time and money (and to lose a few pounds) to buy good clothing that fits well. I dislike doing things when I can't do them well. I put off a lot of things for this reason. So it's simple clothing that I've chosen to go to, one less emotional decision to make.

I do what I have to do because I want to escape the expectations of others. I want to be free to set my own schedule, to do what I want to do and learn what I want to learn. I feel like I will only be able to do this when I am no longer trapped in the necessity of providing for shelter, food and warmth. In other words when I own a home outright and don't have to work too hard to have enough money to pay for everything. My world is thus reduced to the bare minimum that I need to get through life until I am free. Like a slave buying their freedom by carefully saving all that they make until they've paid off their slave debt.

I've had too many years of fearing for my family's financial security that it has become an obsession for me. I panic sometimes that I cannot be competent enough at my job to stay employed, and sometimes I am so tired of what I am doing that I cast about trying to find some new interest that I can develop and earn money from. Though at this point I fear that I cause myself to lose focus by trying to learn so much and do so much. So I am trying to narrow down the scope of what I want to learn so that I can relax with what little time I have left after work.

Therefore I am the barest version of myself most days. When I have time by myself I am therefore very determined to try to fit all of the rest of what I want to do into it. Thus I ignore people and social obligations because I feel like I have so little time to exist. I have so many things I want to do, I become paralyzed by all of the options and this is something I have struggled with all of my life. I have piles of little unfinished things because I am always feeling pulled this way and that, obligation or desire to appease someone else. That is the most uncomfortable feeling for me, I would rather not feel obligated to appease someone, rather I want all of my attention or affection to come from a place of authenticity, if it is dragged out of me it doesn't feel right. I do care about other people, I do want to do things for my family and my friends but if it doesn't come from my decision to be selfless and caring it really makes me feel upset and resentful.

That's about all I feel like writing tonight on this subject. :)

SG