Strep Throat Gone - Starting SCD Diet

The week after my last post was a long and arduous one. I spent a lot of time in bed, drank a lot of bone broth, took as many healing herbs that I had on hand (golden seal, oregano oil, thieves oil, echinachia, and garlic), by the end of the week I felt almost better. The week after I felt pretty good, I followed a link for an upcoming discussion on digestive issues and constipation, paid $40 dollars for a seat at the seminar table and then paid for the book and meal plans that they offered (another $105). I took a plunge and spent the little remaining money I had on the foods in the meal plan and lo and behold the next day I felt really good!

Today is day 5. I have spread the word about the diet far and wide. I gave the meal plan to Sam since he really suffers from poor diet choices. Sent the .pdf files I bought to my cousin, friend, mom and boyfriend. I hope that it will work the same way for them as it did for me. I'm a bit worried that it will work differently for others than it did for me, since I went through a week of detox and cleansing by struggling with and recovering from Strep Throat... but Sam reports this morning that he feels good after only a few meals. I'm hopeful that it works well for others, a lot of people have had success in healing by following it.

In any case, I am at work and I feel good. SO shelling out my hard earned dollars was worth it. I've spent a lot of money on supplements and I'm hopeful that with the diet my digestion will improve enough that I won't have to do that anymore. :)

~SG

Update

This weeks been rough. Except for Wednesday, that was a good day. Mostly it's been a bunch of fatigue, random horrible headaches, swollen and achy body parts.

I gave blood at my sons blood drive for his Eagle Scout project and I think that exacerbated my condition.

Today I woke up with a sore throat but felt OK enough to go into work (I thought maybe it was a dry throat).  Throughout the day I was able to work OK, able to concentrate, but gradually falling into a deeper fatigue. I knew I had strep. So I told my manager I was sick and went up to the doctors, they confirmed it. They called in a prescription for antibiotics... but I'm stubborn and stopped by Real Foods instead to pick up healing foods and herbs. I think it's going to work. I'm going to bed now to help the process along.

~SG

What I wanted to do though was relive a memory. Maybe tomorrow. 

Little Growing Pains

Growing up I was a lonely little girl. I never had many friends,  I ached for friends and empathized with outsiders. I cried at night feeling that others had friends why not I? I felt that the world was unjust and unfair. Now I see that we all walk in loneliness and longing... all of our hearts break at one point or another. I'm an outsider, looking in. Looking back I see that I've gained strength and empathy. I am resilient. Sad at times,  longing for understanding. But not afraid to walk an uncertain path. Brave enough to trust in the knowledge gained from silent observations. Brave enough to change my mind.

Thoughts

This morning I forced myself out of bed and went on a walk knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to shower when I got back because out tub is all plugged up. Time to call a plumber.

I'm glad I went on a walk though because it gave me time to contemplate. What do I really want out of a relationship? Even if I have what I want before me can I accept it?

We live in a time of many possibilities. We have so many choices, sometimes it's hard to decide what choice to make.

Yesterday I went to the UVU MBA retreat up in Heber City. It was a good experience and I did "bond" with my team. Enough so that I feel comforted in what the future looks like for the next 2 years as an MBA student.

On my walk I was thinking about the writings of Emerson and Thoreau, both deep thinkers. Has society always consisted of deep thinkers and superficial thinkers? I suppose but I tend to think that the level of thought has decreased to a great degree.

My focus is to get my degree. My attention and concentration is to that point. I should approach each assignment as a chance for great thought. To that end I am off to finish up my online course on finance.

SG

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Some days I feel like I am more aware of myself than other days. For the past week or so I've been fighting off a virus of some sort which has dulled, to a degree, my level of ability to concentrate and my ability to feel emotions (happy, sad, etc.)

In fact throughout my life I have experienced varying states of emotional and cognitive ability. At times it has been incredibly difficult to stay on task and form cognizant statements. I had to rely on a sense of intuition to follow what I found to be working and what did not work.

If you are in a fog, than the way to navigate is to hold on to what other people are doing. It's easier than trying to determine for yourself the direction you should take, what is true and what isn't.

Morality is a given set of principles of conduct, what is considered right and wrong.

"A particular system of values and principles of conduct, especially one held by a specified person or society."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morality

The point is; morality, what is right and wrong, has been debated since man has developed a sense of consciousness.

Morality is subjective. Though people try to define it in absolute terms. In some ways the very subjective nature of morality is perturbing. It is a terrible responsibility to live within a realm of subjective morality and this is partially the reason why many people don't try to develop their own sense of morality. Or at least they don't consciously set out to develop a set of moral guidelines.

To one, who is living with a set of circumstances that limits their cognitive reasoning the only morality they know of is that of an outside set of imposed limits and boundaries.

To another, who is more cognitively aware of the world, their moral code is more refined. Different in many ways from the one who is limited by reasoning ability, different in fact from any other person that they will meet.

This line of reasoning brings to mind the unnerving thought that if morality is not an absolute, than someone who is disinclined to follow the morality of society at large will develop their own sense of morality.

If that person is in fact a sociopath, a psychopath, a narcissist, or in any other way disturbed or mentally different than others their "Moral Code" per se might include things that society deems to be grossly immoral, illegal, and disturbing.

And indeed these facts will mean nothing to these sets of people.

So, in the very act of forming opinions on morality that are outside of the society within which I live, I am forming barriers to acceptance within the society within which I live... and thus am constrained by prudence to modify the amount of deviation from the norm.

I can live in my own moral code as long as my moral code inclines me towards the goals with which I am striving for. If I want to reject the moral norm of this society, I will pay the price of being an outsider, but then there are other places in the world where my morality is not seen as a threat and there I might live in peace. Morally speaking. 

Filling out boxes

Sometimes I feel so frustrated. It feels like life is passing me by while I assign numbers to boxes on a screen. I want to get up, talk to people about things, laugh, be stupid.... laugh at my stupidity and everyone else's stupidity as well.

But I'm stuck here, filling out boxes. Making sure all the lines check out on a form.

I listen to lectures on health. I listen about genes and gene expression. I listen to comedians sometimes, music often...

But for the most part, I am filling out boxes

Information that allows billing to be turned on for consulting work, consultants for big companies who are interested in collecting data on people so that they can market to them. Market to them with our software that they've utilized to create amazing and outrageous ads. Ads that drive wants to turn into needs... sometimes I feel that this is all an exercise in futility that I am participating in for the sake of earning money to feed my children who I can't see or touch throughout the day... my children who are building imaginary worlds on game systems, who are fighting battles with imaginary foes.

It's all so meaningless... and yet it's all I can seem to do.

I get so frustrated.

SG

Skeletons and Monsters

I feel vulnerable, so many changes recently

A lot of the things that I grew up thinking were bad now seem to me as part of the social constructs that I grew up with, rather than things that are intrinsically bad.

Most days I keep past traumas locked up in the past where they cannot intrude into the present day and harm it for me. Sometimes though I will hear certain things that will trigger the powerful memories that hide behind the door of the past.

I don't want to deal with that door. I want it to stay locked and all of the skeletons hidden away from my own or from anyone's view.

Those skeletons are not just my own monsters, but the monsters of the past that bear witness to the present circumstances I am in today.

Does it help to take those skeletons out, view them in a new light? Shake the dust off of the bones so that I will not forget the reasons for my current decisions?

I've been quivering here in my own home. Allowing the monster who destroyed it to take up residence on the couch. He cleans and cooks, takes the kids out for a fun time and I hide. This man, the one whom I vowed to love, honor and cherish. The one who I gave my virginal heart to and melted my soul into, pleading and pleading for understanding and growth.

So much of my marriage was spent in frustration. I am an idealist (or perhaps that's the wrong word), I wanted my marriage to match the image of what marriage should be. I wanted my husband to match the image of what "husband" should be. Even now my idea of what divorce is doesn't match.

I thought that once I packed his things and put them on the lawn then he would become angry with me. Perhaps develop a bitter attitude. That would make it easier to stay strong in my decision. Instead he has been worming his way into my life, knocking at the corners of my resolve, making inroads through the cracks in my heart. Making me cry out in frustration, cry out because there is no way I can truly let bygones be bygones.

Even the things that he has done are hiding in a corner of my heart because I hate the ugliness of them. I hate telling people what he has done because they won't understand why I let him stick around when they know what he did. They think that there is no way they would let him stick around, perhaps they would not. Perhaps they would have let him go to jail. Would have fought back the tears of their baby daughter when she asked why daddy lived there.

Perhaps they could. But I haven't. I have let my resolve crack, I've let the image of reform be paraded around like the truth. Set myself up. Equivocated. To keep playing this game of cards where maybe someday I will have the upper hand. Where I will have enough money, influence, self determination or whatever it is that I need to be free of him.

I ask myself now, do you want to be free of him? Yes and no. Yes and no. Yes and no. To be free of him would mean that I no longer have to pretend that I am OK with his presence. No, not free of him. I would lose the laughter and energy he brings home with him. Yes free of him. Free of disruption, random plans that are not well thought out.

No not free of him, not free of someone to take the kids out to do things. YES free of him, free of the lies, free of the manipulation, free from the hugs that I don't want, the kisses snuck while I'm sleeping in my bed, the fondling of my body that I am not an active part of. Why am I giving up my dignity and self respect for this enigmatic, dynamic, charismatic man??

SG

Reflections

This morning I hoped out of bed, still tired but unable to sleep so I decided to put my fitbit tracker to use. While on my walk I had positive thoughts running through my head, acceptance, love of nature, love of self. I marvel that I can have such diametrically opposing thoughts weeks apart. Today though my thoughts were about being gentle with myself. If a change needs to be made I need to be gentle but firm. I was thinking about how a river is shaped, water flowing through the landscape etches out a path. It can do so forcefully, in a torrent, or it can do so gently... a little at a time. In the one case, the torrent, a great amount of earth is moved. Displaced. Perhaps this will form a groove so deep that the water following afterwords will keep to that path... but then again after the torrent comes the slow and steady force.

Other thoughts in that vein. Acceptance of self and acceptance of others. There are things within us that we would like to change. Sometimes it is a recognition of a habit we dislike, in today's image biased society it is often some aspect of our appearance we wish to change. What if the thing we want to change is the thing that endears us the most to others?

Some thoughts anyway...

5 Min. Journal Follow Up. Dairy, good for me? Or no?

4/13/14

“ In order to acquire intellect one must need it. One loses it when it is no longer necessary. ”

— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Follow up

I found a good book on the thyroid and am making a game plan for how to heal my thyroid. I watched a couple of Ted Talks today with a few of the kids. It kind of turned flat... not much response. I need to take a different tack/re-evaluate what I want to watch with them and/or make it a mandatory part of family meetings. Speaking of which I should establish family meetings again.

I haven't taken the kids to the park and I haven't really done anything with them lately. I need to plan activities into my week.

I am grateful for…

1. The wind, it's really windy outside and it reminds me to keep moving.

2. I am grateful that the kids have been cleaning more. It will be better when they know they will get allowance every Saturday and that they can earn extra money by completing extra chores.

3. Beef Pemmican from US Wellness Meats, seriously it's the only thing I've felt like eating today.

What would make today great?

1. If I could get meals prepped for the week.

2. If I make a plan for evaluating and treating my thyroid

3. If I go say hi to my family and give them hugs

Daily affirmations...

I keep my mind healthy and happy and my body follows suit. ~ Louise Hay

How could I have made today better?

In general. I've had an "interesting" day. I had coconut "Creme Brule," it's not very good and I miss dairy. I cut dairy out a few days back trying to see what it's effects on me are... and again I find that my sinuses clear up, but I'm not convinced that cutting dairy out permanently is the right direction to take for optimal health. I get a lot of satisfaction (and satiation) out of eating yogurt and berries and I feel hungry without the dish... it's a simple snack and I miss it. BUT if it is triggering my emotional issues and preventing me from being able to think straight at work I need to keep it out of my diet. BUT I'm hungry!! So I'm going to go to my Paleo books and see if I can plan some meals out for next week to help me overcome this hunger. 

~SG

I can make my life my dream

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.

~Helen Keller

I am grateful for…

1. Having Mandi and Sorina as good friends and that I get to see them at work.

2. Determination

3. The internet as a resource for finding out how to heal

What would make today great?

1. Establishing a routine/expectation with my kids where we watch Ted Talks and discuss them.

2. I need to get out of the house and do a little bit of shopping

3. If I find a great resource/all inclusive book about thyroid disorder to help me know which direction to take.

Daily affirmations; I am…

Compassionate 

3 Amazing things that happened today…

1. My Dad came over and helped me by taking a trailer of trash to the dump.

2. I made some yummy curried chicken

3. My kids came home and cleaned! :)

How could I have made today better?

By getting up and dressed and out of the house.

Things to work on…

Plan something to do with the kids today, perhaps take them to "Discovery Park"

Plan out some meals for the rest of the week

Plan out study schedule

Find out how much for:

Lasik 

Telescope

Binoculars

Tent

Starting my 5 Minute Journal

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.

~Norman Vincent Peale

Today I decided to follow the format for journaling suggested by the authors of "The Five Minute Journal." I don't have $23 dollars to spend on another journal so I will use my blog instead.

I am grateful for…

Today I am grateful that I was able to make it through the workday and catch up on most of my work even though I only got a few hours of good sleep last night.

I am grateful that I have a moment of peace to write because the kids aren't home (they are at my parents house at the moment, sorry Mom).

I am grateful for the sense of optimism that I am feeling at the moment. 

What would make today great?

It would be great to have a nap. 

Then it would be terrific if I could work on my skills for work (which could possibly lead to a raise).

Today would be great if I could have a talk with my kids about what has motivated me throughout the years to do what I have done. If we could have a real discussion about their lives. If they felt that I am a resource and not judging them.

Daily affirmations; I am…

The person I hoped I would be when I was young.

3 Amazing things that happened today…

1. Smiles were given to me.

2. I was able to focus on what's left of the fields of Utah Valley and the mountains instead of the billboards on my drive home.

3. I found this journal device. :)

How could I have made today better?

By taking digestive enzymes before eating a heavy meal... and sleep spray earlier in order to get some sleep!

Life changing fast and slow

How strange life is. I comment as so many have commented before on how quickly life moves past us, how the days fly by. Yet how slow some aspects of life seem to be. Like changing the course of life, established patterns, broken homes. It's difficult to take a situation that has developed through entropy to make a different choice, life direction and follow through. It's so easy to stay in a rut, so hard to dig out of it.

The past couple of weeks have been a bit difficult. The Spring Equinox brought the arbitrary date for the anniversary of dating my boyfriend. Our date night didn't go that well.

Ah well...

SG

Watching others struggle...

So often I find myself as an observant of the human condition, standing helplessly by while those I love have to suffer through trauma and difficulties. 

I have a helpless feeling when I see them struggle. But I know I cannot erase the difficulties that they face, perhaps I can ease the loneliness of their burdens... but I cannot take them away.

SG

Daylight Savings Bleh

We are put through the torture that is called "Daylight Savings Time" every 6 months. "Spring Forward" (lose an hour), "Fall Back" (gain an hour).

It really jacks up my sleep. I hate it.

Life's been fairly good. No big issues for a while, same old challenges (getting to work on time and getting the kids to do their cleaning).

I'm finding new things to do at work. I still find myself asking at times why I'm doing this type of work and not any other type of work. I guess it's that I'm pragmatic, never really thought I could make it as an independent artist, writer etc. Nor a teacher. So I do this.

Well... I'm writing this from a dimly lit room at work since the lights are having issues staying on and no one feels like getting a hold of facilities to come out and fix the issue.

I'm going to rub my blurry eyes and get back to work... ;)

SG

"Uncharted" Sara Bareilles

I love this song! :)

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt,
Like anything I've ever felt before, this is
No broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe,
No I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, too much to hold,
Everybody has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.

Stuck under the ceiling I made,
I can't help but feeling...

[Chorus]

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

La la la-a-a-a.
Oh-h-h.

[Sara Bareilles - Verse 2]

Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So lonely, Never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
Oh-h
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

---

Online Love - Soulmate

Because I want to remember...

Meeting you. I felt so much trepidation. There is this element of mystery that surrounds online relationships. When I first talked to you on the phone your deep melodic voice intrigued me, if nothing else I fell in love as we spoke. I imagined that you were tall and thin. Who know's where I got that idea from, some deep subconscious idea about what Indians looked like? I imagined that you were strong. The straight forward, no nonsense way that you approached life made me feel it was so. Especially when it came time to look at my problems in the face, to see them as they really were. You helped me to stop equivocating when it came to doing the right thing. You always have had that effect on me.

Meeting you was a shock. The flesh and blood embodiment of Indian vitality. I found I couldn't speak. I felt all the words stuck somewhere in the back of my throat and we drove in silence as I clung to the Kola toy that you had given me.

What had made me feel so bold that I could leave my home and travel around the world to find you?

But I was there and we ended up parking in the driveway of a house on stilts. Amazing to me was unlocking the chain that went from one side to the next of it.

The house! I will never forget how strange and foreign it seemed. The carpet, recently cleaned, so thin and so seemingly ancient. The furnishings, so sparse. I re-evaluated my conception of wealth, and poverty. What was really needed to live well. I remember coming into your room, the curtain waving in the breeze. Your little stash of books and water in a jug. It was hard to imagine sleeping on that bed, but then you removed the mattress and placed it on the floor. I placed my suitcase next to it and laid down.

Remember that first night? Sleeping intertwined, sleeping deeply, crying out when you left my side. I remember.

The peaceful morning, strawberries and yogurt. Sitting on the porch, sipping tea and watching the people pass on the street. Walking and biking by... hardly anyone in a car. So different from home where passing people in loud impersonal cars is the norm.

Unfinished memories, I will write more some day...

SG

Jealousy

What is jealousy?

Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy.

In some ways it's the perception that someone has what you don't. It's the inner child jumping up and down saying "Notice Me, I am Important!" It's insecurity. Some part of it is sadness at times.

Sadness that life has moved on, circumstance have changed...

I feel it has a bit of regret and frustration built into the mix.

I suppose it has a bit of a diagnostic aspect to it. However it can eat a person inside and out, consume the mind, consume the emotions... and turn one bitter.

Bitterness is a flavor, a flavor that is a part of life... but not a pleasant one to continually taste.

So I'm striving to feel my jealousies, and to move on.

~SG

Interdependence

I usually find myself in front of a blank screen after having many varied thoughts and conversations going on in my head about my life, why I've done certain things and where I want my life to head.

It's difficult to pinpoint sometimes what the desires of my heart are. Perhaps it is the ever aching need for fulfillment that drives me on. I am looking for fulfillment in my pursuits, in my thoughts, study and in love. I feel deep sadness when people that I love move on from my life. When I become irrelevant to their present happiness. I feel frustrated and empty when I cannot fill the same niche. There is an achy place inside that wants to be relevant to others. However I've found that becoming relevant to others is sometimes an infringement upon my own relevancy. I become a model of their expectations and lose the sense of who I am. This paradox is the mysterious source of struggle for me to maintain my identity and to subvert or become part of a larger, more intimate identity, me + someone else.

I'm 34 years old and still do not live with a sense of mutual interdependence with someone else. Is it ever going to be?

Silence and Thoughts

I'm going to attempt to put into writing my thoughts about my life the past couple of years, what has driven me to stay silent when speaking up would have been a good thing, why sometimes silence is a temporary answer to a baffling situation and why speaking up is painful.

I've gone through a transformation, no doubt about that. I've come up from a somewhat difficult childhood to a point in my life where my day to day struggle to function as a responsible adult isn't as difficult as it used to be.

I've written before about my belief that I have been harmed by eating a Standard American Diet (SAD for short). I've written that I believe a large part of that harm was caused through the consumption of wheat products. It's hard to quantify how much of an impact diet played in the decisions that I've made but it's easy for me to see that what I lived with before is different from what I live with now. Though some of the traits I've learned over the years have stuck with me.

Personality wise, I have stayed very similar to what I have always been; determined, studious, kind... perhaps a bit too kind. What has kept my silence has been a desire to be kind.

In a way silence is a form of protection. People make assumptions of their own and if they are good you benefit, if they are wrong you at least know that they are wrong and move forward regardless of how they view you. In a way silence is kind. You refuse to throw peoples faults in their faces, you forebear to speak until they are in a better frame of mind. But in some ways kindness is suffocating and killing. Refusing to speak up means that you swallow the hurt and pain. It requires a certain amount of your soul to forebear and speak later. It can make someone strong, or it can slowly deteriorate and kill a free spirit and independent will.

In some ways I'm afraid to speak up, especially when I believe that the other persons reaction to my words will be negative. I'm afraid to lose love, I have lost love and it's painful. But it isn't as painful as having to live with a lie, when it means giving up self-respect and dignity. It isn't as painful as not standing up for my daughter and my sister when I had to... nor is it as painful as what would have happened in Ajey's family and in mine if I had married him. In his case, his sister could have lost a chance to marry well, his parents would have lost their son to America and would have lost his support for their business. Else I would have had to give up my life here in America to move there. My children would have lost home and family and would  have been in a state of confusion. I spoke up and I had to let go of love and friendship.

When I spoke up I did the right thing. There were so many reasons why I wasn't ready to keep going with such a serious and difficult relationship. So many things that I've been able to accomplish for my kids, my home and myself that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. Hopefully I will come around to being the person I am meant to be.

Some quotes about "Thoughts"

“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.” 
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert

“Sometimes, I sit alone under the stars
and think of the galaxies inside my
heart, and truly wonder if anyone will
ever want to make sense of all that
I am.” 
― Christopher Poindexter

“There are so many things that demand to be said. Where did you go? Do you ever think about me? You've ruined me. Are you okay? But of course, I can't say any of that.” 
― Gayle Forman, Where She Went

“The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.” 
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

“The universe doesn’t give you what you ask for with your thoughts - it gives you what you demand with your actions.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

“Sometimes we have thoughts that even we don’t understand. Thoughts that aren’t even true—that aren’t really how we feel—but they’re running through our heads anyway because they’re interesting to think about.

If you could hear other people’s thoughts, you’d overhear things that are true as well as things that are completely random. And you wouldn’t know one from the other. It’d drive you insane. What’s true? What’s not? A million ideas, but what do they mean?” 
― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

“The Yogic sages say that all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is all the joy. We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure... I'm lonely... I'm a failure... I'm lonely...) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then, is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

“We experience ourselves our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.” 
― Albert Einstein

“You've never lived what you are thinking, and that isn't good. Only the ideas we actually live are of any value.” 
― Hermann Hesse

“I don't know, I don't want to talk as much. (...) It's nicer to think dear, pretty thoughts and keep them in one's heart, like treasures. I don't like to have them laughed at or wondered over.” 
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables


“One of the new things people began to find out in the last century was that thoughts—just mere thoughts—are as powerful as electric batteries—as good for one as sunlight is, or as bad for one as poison. To let a sad thought or a bad one get into your mind is as dangerous as letting a scarlet fever germ get into your body. If you let it stay there after it has got in you may never get over it as long as you live... surprising things can happen to any one who, when a disagreeable or discouraged thought comes into his mind, just has the sense to remember in time and push it out by putting in an agreeable determinedly courageous one. Two things cannot be in one place.

"Where you tend a rose, my lad, A thistle cannot grow.” 
― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

Some thoughts about life and love

I am feeling quite well today. A couple of nights of getting to bed before 12 AM and helpful "Nootropic" herbs have gone a long way towards a feeling of well being.

This is the first day back for a lot of folks in my office from the company shut down, the beginning of the year and an opportunity for change. Over the years I have set goals and I have protested setting goals. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by what I want to change, I write everything down and then shrug my shoulders in despair. I believe that massive change is impossible in the short term, but that smaller changes, made over a longer period of time add up and get you to where you want to be. So in that spirit I am continuing on my health journey, continuing to look for ways to eat well, exercise, sleep better and have better relationships.

To that end I recognize that my personality has been that of a quite observer. I've not always played the most active role in developing my relationships, and I've let other peoples will dominate my own at times. This has been a product of genetics, nutrition and the native home environment that I grew up in.

I'm making a concerted effort to change, to connect with my children, to be a strong guiding factor in their lives. When I had my first child I was 17 years old. I didn't know what I was doing but I did know that I wanted my son to be proud of me, to look up to me. I've grown up in a lot of ways, along side my children. They are wonderful, cheerful and helpful for the most part but I can give them even more to think about now that I have found answers to many puzzling aspects of life that I didn't know before.

One of those puzzles is love. The meaning of Love has developed and changed for me as I have changed and developed. When I was young, I thought love was a burning attraction to someone. That it would overcome all differences, all obstacles, and make everything that was wrong, right. I thought that being devoted to someone meant that they would be devoted to you.

I had heartache from unrequited love but I never realized how much the heart could break. I never realized how much that heartache could teach me, about life and change. I never realized how much death could teach me as well. For you see, love and heartache are like birth and death. The beginning of love is  new hope, new possibilities. So much is expected from love, so much hoped for. Love blossoms and becomes a beautiful thing or else it is poisoned, by pain and circumstances. I never realized how many different levels there are to love. "True love" a phrase uttered in fairy tales as proof that the lovers were meant to be together forever in blissful eternity. True love means something different to me now it is a belief and love of someone else, their essence, yet it is a recognition of circumstance and a refusal to shutter my soul in an attempt to fix someone else. True love means standing fast to the right course of action, letting go when need be, but never forgetting what someone's love has meant to the heart of the loved one.

My early years as a young wife and mother taught me so much. I learned about perseverance through desperate times. I learned about loving through heartache. I leaned about determination and faith. I don't regret loving my husband as I did at that time, I did what I had to do and well. I paid a price for that love, eating into my own reserves and strength to keep going. I have keenly felt the heartache of having to break my marriage off but I remember the day that I was able to grasp myself in a well deserved hug and feel that I was whole again.

Loving someone from a distance was different and required different reserves of strength. I was taxed mentally, emotionally and culturally trying to maintain a connection with someone millions of miles away. It was hard to tell people I was in a relationship when I couldn't grasp my lovers hand and go out on a date with him. It felt duplicitous in a way. When I visited him in Australia it was a different story. I felt parts of my spirit and personality that had been hiding away since I was a teenager blossom as we interacted each day. Getting back to my distant and busy life disrupted that feeling though and it was hard to hold onto. I let it slip away.

Such is life and such is love...

SG