The Hiding Place

When I was a freshman in high school I read this book "The Hiding Place" The triumphant true story of Corrie Ten Boom and then I copied the diagram of the Beje out of the book for a book report on it.

There are times when I think, I've got it hard, why me? But then I think of this woman, and her family who were the courageous rescuers of many Jews and others who were targeted by the Nazi's during WWII.

What sticks out to me, is the strong faith and Christian kindness of the Ten Boom family. I love both of the sisters, Corrie and Betsey, I love how they support and care for each other.

They were such honest and simple people who continually lived their religion. Even in the midst of the concentration camp that they were sent to after being captured by the Gestapo, they were able to help and inspire others.

These women lost everything, Corrie eventually lost her family and her beloved Betsie, yet she was a beacon of love and hope for many years after her rescue from the camp.

I always seem to gravitate to these types of stories, these types of people when I am going through a hard time myself.

At times I need courage, and I find it through others words, others faith, others strength. I am so grateful for what I have, even when times are tough.

Shalom means peace, can I have some?

Today has been crazy busy, but nice...

My cousineth Julene came over and watched Roxie for me so that I could run around and get errands done, thank you, thank you Julene! It was nice to talk to you and catch up a bit.

Angie is a narrator in an elementary school adaptation of the classic "A Christmas Carol" so I had to bring her up there at 5, then I came home to cook dinner but then ended up being late for the play (and thus missing it, OI) Lucky for me I have a second chance as they have another performance tomorrow.

I found out that I had somehow missed the fun "Night out with Santa" that we were invited to... why? Because I was up in AF applying for a job... we'll see if I get it... it made me sad that we missed the Santa thing though because the kids would have enjoyed getting a nice gift...

After picking up Angie from the play the kids and I went over to Blockbuster and rented a few movies... which we put to good use as soon as we got here. :)

I've been filling out job applications all night, yippee.... it is so much fun, you all should try that as a relaxing hobby, or maybe I need to treat it like it's a relaxing hobby... maybe it'll send out good happy vibes... hehe

Let's all link arms and sing now, Koombia me lord Koombia... (I've probably misspelled that btw... the suggestions from the speller though are "Kumquat," "Columbia," or "Kookaburra" so I think I'll stick with my version) Well I will wish you all peace then Shalom...

Grumble, Grrr... Yawn

Hello world out there, this is a quick update to say that nothing is going according to plan, everything planned has been rescheduled until further notice and that new plans are in the process of being made...

Er, yeah, that's it right?

Why is it that even simple plans like going up to see my brother in SLC get sidetracked from one night to the next morning... yeah, that's how things go sometimes. I spent the night with an onrey grouchy critter, namely my 3 year old with a fever, going from one room to the next to lay down and sleep (getting drinks of water in-between). From my room, to A's room (yes I was in a delusional stupor good thing I didn't wake A up when I lied down on her bottom bunk with R), back to my room, down to the living room where I found myself early this morning snuggled up against 3 pillows, R ensconced by my side, the cat on top (in a particularly warm spot on my chest), and S at my feet at the other end of the couch.... well trying to slip out of that didn't work, I woke R up from trying to escape. So I brought her upstairs and we went to sleep again in my bed.

Needless to say, I feel like a lawn mower ran me over... as much as I wanted to go up to SLC I just couldn't Argh!! I'm so tired, can someone take over my life for a bit so that I can take a nap?

Anyway, good wishes to ya'll out there in the big ol' wide world.

What does it feel like to be happy and carefree? Oh yeah, even kids complain about life... so I guess I'll just have to fake it till I make it... :)

How we do it

What is it that defines success in today's world? Status symbols, security

I could go for a bit of security just now

It seems that in today's world beauty and youth symbolize success, how fleeting

How incredibly ironic

It feels as if I am in a race, trying to churn out the talent that I need in order to land a job, anywhere

and I am here, with my daughter, age 3

She's the smartest little thing, constantly saying new things, things that make me realize how much she really knows.

My other kids, they work so hard, they are so sincere

But I fear

Fear that the world with its message of amusing stupidity will send them down a path that they will struggle to recover from.

Can they afford to lose these years in a cocoon of ignorance?

Yes I fear

I talk to them, I sincerely am trying to emphasis how much they need to know

but it is hard for them to grasp that isn't it?

I have to just sigh, and relax a bit, live life

and hope

That this world will be a little kinder to them then it has been to me

But then, my future stands to be good as well

I've learned the reasons, the modus operandi of life

Will it be enough? Well I hope so

On a more concrete level,

I'm trying to buy a little Honda Accord that our neighbors are selling, is it a fantastic car? Well at least the parts are cheap, at least I will have something to get me and the kids around, I won't be walking everywhere. It can be slightly dangerous in this winter weather to drive such a small vehicle but still, it's better than nothing.

Trying to pay off debt, luckily I will scrape by without too much damage to control in the debt department... a few thousand on a credit card (um, I didn't put it there) and a slight college loan (under a thousand). The only danger zone here is the Yukon which, well I didn't want this car in the first place because it's a gas hog, mainly though I don't get to drive it. I've had it this week due to certain circumstances, but I figure it isn't going to last, thus I'm fixing up the Accord.

Trying to get a job, hehe

Well I've started reading books to improve my employable skills, who knows what's going to help, I figure I need to go find some volunteer work and go from there, eventually the job market will improve, the question is when, and will I be ready for it?

I hope my friends that your holiday's are bright.

My kids helped me to put up our Christmas decorations, everything looks peaceful and beautiful in our living room.

Peace on earth?

It is found while the night grows long as you stare into the glimmering lights of the Christmas tree.

That is when I've felt peace.

Happy Holidays everyone, life does get better.

I think 2010 will be a good year, I know it will.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Yes, good title eh? I'm sure no one else has used it today ;)

Thanksgiving went well today, as well as can be expected given that my sis had a tummy ache, I had a slight headache, my mum was complaining about her back hurting... hmmm...

I think we should have abandoned the cooking, grabbed some fresh fruits and veggies and played board games whilst sitting around the coffee table in the living room... yeah, that wouldev' been great....

Anywho, we had dinner, most of us helped the exception would be my bro. DJBC... who is obsessed with being obsessed. I've serious doubts about his sanity... (someone call the White Coats from the funny farm)

My Ex. came to dinner, it was odd having him there. He sat by my dad, well they are buddies anyway.

We all stated what we are grateful for, feeling slightly awkward, I forgot quite a few things but what I said was sincere. My sister was sincere as well... my kids started goofing off but I told them to be serious and reminded them of all they had to be grateful for and then they came around. DJBC sounded completely sincere but as I doubt his sanity I can't take his word for anything. My brother Ev. was sincere, absolutely! My brother Jono was sincere... My ex said something or other, I'm not sure exactly what because no matter what he says I'm not sure how sincere or truthful he is, unfortunately... but that's how it is. My mom was sincere, and my dad was so sincere he was shaking... it was weird, he actually brought up my Grandpa and the sacrifices that he made for us and the country by his service in the military. Grandpa was wounded twice on his tour of duty, once on D-Day during the invasion, then he was sent to England (I believe) to recover and then he went back to serve again.

Unfortunantly I had to go check on the progress of the little girls, (my nieces 3&4 and my baby daughter who is 3) who have a history of wrecking things in the bathroom.... I heard noises from that direction but found that they were just arguing about who could go potty first... hehe... and I ended up bringing  baby daughter downstairs to use the potty. I wanted to hear dad but duty called.... ;)

After dinner we cleaned up and I was able to talk to my little sister, well we hid in her room and left the kids for a while... mom got ticked off at me but I had to grab the chance to talk when I could take it. I was glad to talk to K, she's got a really great head on her shoulders. Hmmm, no smartalec jokes about heads here please... ;)

Time to Bake GF...

Hmmm. I guess the title of this post could be interpreted at "Time to Bake, Girl Friend..." hehe

Well I wish that was the case, that I had a girlfriend around to bake pies with... I'm going to be making some Gluten Free Pumpkin pies (1 or 2)  my sis. in law is doing some GF baking today as well... I've also got to make some GF rolls and bread all for Thanksgiving tomorrow...

I'm just deciding if I want to use the basically void of fiber white "gluten free" flour to try and make rolls with (because it is a softer flour) or if I want to go with my basic "whole grain" GF flour which tastes basically like whole wheat bread (but hasn't a lick of wheat in it).

I use slices of bread to make GF stuffing which is really delicious!!

So that's the plan today, GF pumpkin pie and GF Bread wish me luck! :)

Well, It's a Monday

Hmmm... I've just not felt like writing anything lately

There are things going on in my life, some really terrific things, some not so great.

Geez, what to say about today... um... it's Monday.

Yeah

That's what it is

and I've been hanging out at the "Funny Farm," that was fun... they make nice baskets there I'm told, though I didn't see any evidence of it...

On a brighter note, my good friend is using my voice for a project, I'm waiting to hear how it goes... :)

I should go do something, I need to make dinner but I don't know what to make... I had a good plan last week, made dinner every night. I need to do that for this week but I haven't yet... I should hold Family Home Evening but my daughter has gone over to tutoring, she has a math test tomorrow... Perhaps I should make popcorn, pour butter and maple syrup on it and put my feet up whilst the kids go at it... Nah that wouldn't be a good thing, well maybe for after FHE.... eh... I can make dinner, pull out the creative energy (from somewhere) then hopefully I can borrow my friends car tomorrow and go shopping... YEP Sounds like a plan!!

:)

Kaleidoscope

How is it that things can be simultaneously better and worse?

So much identity is tied up to what once was that when what once was is broken it is like a kaleidoscope of ever changing possibilities

shifting shapes

future possibilities

Ah, here's hoping that things get better each and every day... :)

Happy Halloween

Hi blogging world

It's beautiful out today, thankfully

Trick or Treating should be good, dang!!

I know those kids'll get lots of candy, they'll stash it away before I can take it away!! OI'

Anyhow, so much housecleaning has been occurring around here. It feels good to get things cleared away, yet it brings up nostalgia as I've been sorting out my babies clothes, I've saved so much... now off it goes.

Feels good

Thankfully the pumpkins were carved earlier in the week, unfortunately they are a bit wrinkly... OI', oh well it'll add to the creepiness of em'... er, if they were creepy that is.

Happy Halloween to ya' all! :)

Things

In books it's so clear cut isn't it?

Who should be together, who shouldn't

when a divorce is justified, who is selfish, who is the victim, who is not

even television

it is always so obvious, the course of action

but that is not how real life works

things

no matter how clearly others can see

things are not always clear to the people involved

right in the thick of things

and even doing the right thing

can seem wrong

and the wrong thing

right

At some point, you have to use intuition and logic, over pure emotion

and press forward, even if it hurts.

Job Hunting, in acceleration

I am here folks

I feel as though I am slowly coming out of a shell. My true self, has been hiding behind the mistakes that I've made in the past. The tendancy there was to analyze everything, repeatedly, not letting go but reviewing again what I have done wrong... not good. I suppose that the fact that I was hanging on to something that wasn't working was part of the problem. It just wasn't working, I would think and rethink things and never got anywhere because I wasn't letting go of what was not working and moving ahead.

I am moving ahead now. I had an interview on Monday, didn't get the job, but I did well in the interview so I am taking a positive aspect from it, learning from the mistakes that I made and continuing to apply to the other jobs that are available.

Tomorrow I'm going to call up my mom and see if she will teach me the operating system up at the school, that's one factor that will give me a big leg up against anyone else that applies there at the school. She's trained many people in fact so why not me?

So that is the course of action for tomorrow, give mum a call. Go up to the school, have her show me the system... plus I'm going to look up some of my teachers and have them write letters of recommendation for me. I don't know why I haven't in the past.

Anyhow, I hope things are going well for all of you. Thank you all for the support

Feeling Better

I am feeling better :)

Something very important is happening in my life

it has been exhausting

BUT

Worth it

((Hugs))

Vanquishing Fear

I have come to a point in my life where I am tired of the tendency that I have had to fear, fear what others will think of me as I speak, fear of reprisal, fear of choice and what that will mean for me and others.

In fact that is one of the reasons why it was so hard for me to give a positive answer to my kids about whether or not they could go up to the "anime" bonsai on Saturday. I am constantly afraid for their welfare, I don't want them to get hurt, or to become so wrapped up in anime that they lose sight of other things in their lives. That is the fear of letting them get on the computer as well, what will they come across? Will they waste their time on the computer and not attend to other things?

and I fear to make choices very quickly, there is so much information out there that I get overwhelmed. I have to study things out in my mind and then if I am distracted I get nervous and I get anxious when forced to go with some decision or another without giving it quite a bit of thought and attention.

In fact the pattern for my life has been based on that, with some notable exceptions.

I spent a great deal of time deciding what type of diet would be good for me. I am not a trend dieter. I spent months pouring over diet and health advice before coming to the point that I am at now. I eliminated foods, had my blood tested for allergies, sent off for a test for celiacs disease, all with the hope of being able to be sure that what I did and ate was right for me. Maybe that sounds a bit insane, but the pay off was well worth it because I have a context from which I can buy food... I know what I can eat and cook with and I avoid the foods which cause an allergic reaction in me. Which is good because it is difficult to do anything if your mind is not clear. Bad because in some ways ignorance is bliss and you can basically eat anything you feel like and go along in a happy state of self deception saying "well, as long as I don't eat too much..." or "eh, I don't really believe that... allergies, bah!"

Comfortable self deception indeed.

Yet frustrating as well, in that when you get fat, when you don't feel good, when you can't think clearly, when you get headaches... all unexplainably... and you go with conventional wisdom (ie, what the doctors say... what the internet says... what your neighbor says) then things are out of your control, it is blamed on an unexplainable other and the responsibility for how you look and feel is given away to convention.

Well, I believe the responsibility to be my own, so that is why I intensely study things out.

Along these same lines (to me) is the question of religion. I was brought up in the LDS faith, though everything was inconsistently followed at home. Dad would say one thing, do another, teach empathetically on one principle or another then do the subtle opposite. So all that was unsettling to say the least. He incidentally is the same way with food he takes tons of vitamins and supplement and then eats what he pleases (sometimes) sometimes he has a really relevant healthy diet.

So at this point, I am going to undertake a concerted study, of religion, of ethics. Because I am tired of not being able to be confident in what I am saying. In some ways I am, and I do know what I am saying... but a lot of the whys are missing and then I can't explain things to my kids so I don't know what to say and they are not getting guidance from me.

I don't know how long this is going to take, but I have to start and see where it leads me. I have to vanquish the fear by studying to be sure...

Heartache

Now I feel like going out to run, run away from the demons chasing me, nightmares of regrets, unfinished business touched by desire. Oh heaven, awake and restore me to myself, help me Father to know which way to turn, each turn is a way that I know not of, paralell universes into a zone of twilight misery. How is it that doing the right thing is so difficult to comprehend?

I see, there is a gap

an emptiness

My heart aches for the spirit, for uplifting things, for beauty

My kids are going up to this "Anime Bonzai" thing tomorrow in SLC. I've had misgivings about it from the beginning, it is a bunch of kids getting dressed up in "Anime" garb and hanging out together... I don't know how safe the event is so yeah, misgivings. I've been in this uncertain state and I didn't put my foot down. They went ahead, worked for the money... then I felt that I had to let them go. I suppose all that I can do there is pray like mad that they will be ok.

I'm up late, yeah, it's heartache

I need to be filled again

Carry on, all is well

Well, yesterday was a bit crazy... got going a bit late, decided that I needed to get another Scoby (Kombucha mushroom... I left the last one in the fridge too long and I believe I killed it), plus I needed to get some milk since the kids made me make them vanilla pudding the night before and that used up 4 cups in one go.

So I called up my mom and she came to pick me up (unfortunately causing her to miss her nap, sorry mom) and I dropped her off at work then went up to "Real Foods" for some milk.

Now I love the name of that store "Real Foods" they did a survey several months ago proposing different names, but I voted for "Real Foods" because that is what they sell, real food and not an ounce of artificial crap.

I bought some milk and some "Green" red tea... which is essentially Roobios tea that they haven't dried out in the sun. Then I stopped off over at "Good Earth" (yes, yes another favorite of mine) in search of some of my favorite basil pesto... unfortunately they have been out of the good stuff and were offering up two paltry substitutions instead. I read the label for both of them and picked (then regretted even trying later as it tasted odd... too much parmesan). Then bought a couple of other things and headed home.

Once home I got caught up trying to apply for three different openings up at the school (geez I've just realized that I've got to stop sitting cross legged on this hard chair... I'm getting pressure spots on my ankles!!) anyhow, I applied for several jobs then had to run up to get my mom since she was finished at work. Oh yeah, I lugged out several bags of things that I wanted to bring out to the thrift shop... hmmm, didn't tell her about those... better do it before she calls me up to complain, hehe...

Ah, anyhow, she dropped me off at Kohl's one of my favorite department stores and I found some nice knit sweaters, a purse and some ahem, unmentionables... then went to check out. So the guy at the register asked if I would like to sign up for a Kohl's charge account, I normally avoid signing up for these as it affects your credit, but I like Kohl's and they send out a lot of coupons and offers so I figured I would take advantage of the 20% off (plus $10 dollars above that) to lessen the hit on my finances that the sweaters and etc were taking out on me. So in the process of signing up for the account some sort of glitch happened with the computer and just to compensate me for my patience the guy decided to give me an extra discount... plus he noticed that I had grabbed an employment form so he mentioned the hiring managers name and gave me her number as well as his name as a reference... so that was weird. I got about $45 dollars off and a reference, well, what do you know? (Sort of makes up for having to walk home in the rain... ah well, it was only a sprinkle and the mountians looked fantastic... wished that I had had my camera).

I am wondering if I should apply though... yes I have been out of work, yes I need a job, but there are the three other jobs that I am applying for at the school. If I did get a job up at the school that could eventually lead to being able to finance the Masters degree that I want to take as they have a fund set up for full-time employees. Only one of the jobs offered though is a full time position... hmmm... anyhow this thing up at Kohl's could be immediate work, where as the other jobs, well I'm not sure when I would start with them (if they even give me a call back... I've just been getting form rejection letters lately from the school, grrr).

Anyhow, rambled enough here

heh, just trying to get back into the swing of things... I will stop by and visit your blogs soon

hope all is well

SG

(Never did get the Scoby did I, ah well... I should ask my friend if she has one anyway... save some money)

Exertion

Well, things are getting easier

WHAT? Did I just say that?

Yeah, things are not specifically easy. Every day I have to handle some new situation, sometimes times seems an endless procession of sameness and sometimes it seems to be speeding ahead gradually shifting things about until they are barely recognizable.

As I was walking home the other day I was thinking along these same lines. The earth shifts and moves constantly in motion, yet seemingly the same. Little shifts, pressures that build up and then unexpectedly burst forth into earthquakes, eruptions and even continental shifts.

That is what pressure does, exert force.

Force itself is an amazing concept. If used in a relational context you could say that trying to "force" someone to do something creates a lot of negative energy.

Opposing forces build pressure, pressure builds into an explosion... unless diffused in some way.

So, for instance, with my two year old, we often have um... disagreements over whether or not she should take a nap. I have tried holding her down and "forcing" her to do it, this builds pressure, anger... it is a palatable thing. Thus often I will diffuse the situation by distraction, for instance, bringing her downstairs to watch a movie. Often just leaving the room and walking with her diffuses the situation and she usually will fall asleep on my lap somewhere else.

Force, can we really force someone to change? Well, can we really?

Change has to come from some inner resolution, from the resolve of the person who needs to change. We can suggest and direct, but really we cannot force. Even gradually a forced change can often be a weak thing because it has not come from the path that the person had chosen for themselves.

Thus, to progress, it is up to each of us to make the changes necessary. Ah, I have often thought "if only my parents made me practice the piano" (or something like that) I would be able to play now... Really? Well maybe, but at some point I believe I would have had to embrace it to really learn. That is life isn't it?

Unfinished, Life

How odd life is, kicking against the wind, trying to find happiness. Happiness, being content with what you have, being content with life, or struggle. Struggle as it were to reach some lofty goal, to hope for a better life.

Well, life, love, happiness

Ah, grasp my hand, let us live, let us be happy

Imagine you are hovering over the valley, all the cars move below...

This is unfinished

The Builders

A Poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Builders

All are architects of Fate,
Working in these walls of Time;
Some with massive deeds and great,
Some with ornaments of rhyme.

Nothing useless is, or low;
Each thing in its place is best;
And what seems but idle show
Strengthens and supports the rest.

For the structure that we raise,
Time is with materials filled;
Our todays and yesterdays
Are the blocks with which we build.

Truly shape and fashion these;
Leave no yawning gaps between;
Think not, because no man sees,
Such things will remain unseen.

In the elder days of Art,
Builders wrought with greatest care
Each minute and unseen part;
For the gods see everywhere.

Let us do our work as well,
Both the unseen and the seen;
Make the house where gods may dwell
Beautiful, entire, and clean.

Else our lives are incomplete,
Standing in these walls of Time,
Broken stairways, where the feet
Stumble, as they seek to climb.

Build today, then, strong and sure,
With a firm and ample base;
And ascending and secure
Shall tomorrow find its place.

Thus alone can we attain
To those turrets, where the eye
Sees the world as one vast plain,
And one boundless reach of sky.

~Longfellow

Argh!!

How do you make time for what's important, when you don't know what is important anymore?

When nothing was valued, nothing cherished, time an endless cycle of nothingness...

When it seems as though the meaning of things is minute...

Tell me why this is?

Why nothing seems interesting to me right now?

I think I will buy new couches and a area rug... then sit and watch stupid sappy movies, make quilts and hope to feel something again. (and maybe cry a little, because that would feel good)

SG

Feeling More Like Myself Again

I've felt so relieved, like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Man I fought this outcome, yet I feel so much better now it is a little bit confusing.

There has been so much to think about that it is distracting. I'm still trying to look for a job, but then now that Sam has a job and he assures me that the money he earns will go towards mine and the childrens support I kind of think, "well let him do that..." but then I think, "I need the independance of a job." It is a dillema though isn't it?

I have started taking pictures again, perhaps I will make a blog just for Friday Shoot outs like some other's that I know.

This is a picture of some roots that together looked like a monkey sitting by the tree...



Can you see it? :)

Hi, Resuming Blogging

Ok, I am safe, bloggity secured.

It is not like I want to turn this into some confessional... it is just that I don't want to have to constantly evaluate if what I say is going to hurt another.

The other is already hurt, I am sad about that, yet not sad enough to go back to what was.

I have forgiven, but it is ridiculous to continually refresh second chances, it is meaningless. So I had to stand firm this time, if I had anything like integrity to put out there.

Still, it is an odd feeling isn't it, suddenly freed from the burden of trying to make something work that wasn't.

At the same time, I have to reevaluate my parenting methods. I need to establish a routine and boundaries, be firm, it is an odd feeling indeed.

I do feel as though I should feel guilty, but don't because it was the right thing to do.

What else is odd is the fact that I have never been privileged to grow up in a stable predictable environment, so I don't know how that feels. My parents have stayed together, yet they are chaotic about what they expect, so expecting nothing they received confusion from us kids.

I was confused, still am, but I am trying to sort things out. How do you digest all of the information that you need to be the principle parent in the household... I was already forced into the role many times, but still, I had the dynamics of another persons personality to contend with.

I am sorry for his pain though, it is a hard thing to contend with the end of a long term relationship.

Hopefully I can make some smart decisions and things will go well... I just need to stay on my toes I suppose.

Go fill out paperwork, look for a job.

SG

September 11th 2001

September 11, 2001

A day I, nor anyone cognizant of world events, shall ever forget. I was pregnant with my son Sione, walking around a little bread store near the home that I grew up in, when I understood that something was wrong.

The radio, normally tuned to country music, was tuned to the news and people looked very distressed. I asked the clerk what was happening and she told me that an airplane had hit a tower in New York, I thought how terrible that was for them then went home to tune to the news and call my mom.

At home I saw on the television the image of the plane hitting the tower, over and over. I talked to my mom about it and then sat to watch the footage, it was so surreal that I couldn't believe it was happening, not really. When the other plane hit I thought "what next?"

The news of other planes headed towards other targets, including one that hit the Pentagon and one headed towards the White House, made me feel as though the entire country was at risk, that anything could happen anywhere. I worried about my children in their classrooms, I didn't want them to know about what had happened, they were so young.

That was Sept. 11th for me. The after effect was seeing flags everywhere, walking around at school and looking in other peoples faces, knowing that they knew. The subdued feeling at Wal-Mart as I walked around with my dad later on, it felt like everyone had just come from a funeral. People collected money to donate to the victims, people gave blood, everyone hugged their family members a little tighter after that.

We were regaled with the footage over and over again on the news until I felt I would puke from the constant reminder. I kept the TV off, it was just too overwhelming.

Eventually, the fervour stopped, the flags posted outside of car windows were ripped to shreds by the wind and eventually put away. Things, and people went back to normal with everyday concerns crowding in over the extraordinary occurrence of that day.

A day, that connected us all, a day that if mentioned will bring to mind the common remembrance.

The thread that has bound Americans and has come to mean many things to us all. It is a tragedy though at its core and will ever be.

Taking Baby Steps

So, this is the world

expansive, broad

my world, has been rather small,

A microcosm of myopia.

I see out into the world,

and see possibilities.

yet

What if, haunts me.

What if I fail?

will i be shunned, scorned

The world,

this broad wide world,

is full of failure,

yes.

There is failure,

yet

I ask who has learned to walk,

without taking a first step?

As I take a step,

I shall know what it means to have courage,

I shall know.

A Better Post about Life

Hello out there!

Sorry for my neglect... I needed a break. I think this blog deserves a good word painting, so here you all are.

Life,

So beautiful, and terrible, embraced with passion each step that you take can lead you to the gift of fulfillment, joy, happiness, yet terrible misery as well.

Embraced, embraced, can we live another way?

Of course we can, drift, wander, a lost soul in the sea of humanity. A dream, unfulfilled dies away with neglect and we are reduced to apathy.

Yet life, life, life can throb, life can fill there can be a fullness of joy, bursting forth from our hearts as we shake off the shame of what we think is owed us, and create for ourselves beauty from the ashes.

Marvel at the fresh scent of a new spring day, the mountains solid, sturdy, verdant and strong. Stand in awe of Gods wonders, stand in awe of the elements. Accept that things don't always work the way that you want, people don't always agree, but they too are aching with thoughts of life, all deserve to live.


~AV

=====================================================================================

Life

Life

Simultaneously marching us all forward while our minds are still trying to process the whys of yesterday...

The Two Frogs

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them
fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit
was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The
two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit
with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop,
that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took
heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down
and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again,
the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He
jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the
other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to
them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the
entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging
word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it
through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes
to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your
path. The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand
that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak
words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in
difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time
to encourage another.

Author Unknown

Old Fashioned Pictures

My Grandparents look like the poster children for "Coke" in this picture (1940's)



(Grandpa was quite strong eh?)


These pictures were taken before Grandpa went off to war, WWII. My dad was born after the war, there is about a 10 year age difference between him and his brother.




These are of my Grandma as a Youth, she looks so beautiful!




These are of my Grandma, her friend and my Uncle Mo

I'm still around...

Well folks,

I have been feeling sort of icky for the past week or so, weak, blah... and uninspired. So my lack of blog entries is due to this reason.

The kids have been in school and my youngest son is doing just fine in second grade, not behind at all (go homeschooling!)

Yikes!! Roxie just put muscle rub on her legs and tummy and she's not too happy about the sensation...

Gotta go... I will try to put up a better post later.

Rethinking my Rethunking

Some of you, who shall remain nameless, Graham, seemed to think that the article that I posted was far to long...

Actually it was rather tedious for a blog post, so I cut out the article and left a URL link.

What I liked about it is the idea that you can improve whatever you want to if you have the passion and interest to do so. That the excuse that you don't have talent should not be a deterrent because if you are really interested in something then you can develop that even if you are not particularly gifted at it.

As for my day (which I am sure you are all dying to hear about)

We went to appointments, they were boring, someone made me mad by shifting the blame for something from them to me, I got over it. Sam and I made curry, a lot of it, then I went up to a parenting class (that is really for Sam but he keeps missing it, not that I am the best parent or anything...) Worked on writing technique, spent too much time doing nothing, paid a bill (to Angies hula teacher... which made her happy). Oh, and Sam got a job offer... but there are some difficulties to work out.

So all in all a good day, learned some thing, now I must sleep because I am driving myself insane at this hour of the night...

Going the Extra Mile

Yesterday was spent transferring photo's from my C drive over to an on-line storage medium and some of them back onto a jump drive (I need to transfer the rest of them in a bit). It was tedious but necessary since I am running out of space on that drive... darn old laptop.

I woke up this morning thinking about something.

I went into my sons middle school office last Wed. about 10 min. until 3 p.m. Most of the doors were locked except one, so I went inside to the office.

There I found a lady, well dressed, busy at something. I had these forms that I needed to turn in, exemptions for school fees, they were all ready except there were two that needed to be copied.

This lady's manner was of self importance, every word and action meant to put me in my place. She explained that they were not paid overtime and could not take the forms from me.

I could see their copy machine, right there, easily accessed. It would have taken about 1 min. to copy the papers. Yet she refused and what could I do, I was being civil.

The frustrating thing was that I had been waiting for weeks to get the car in order to go out to do my errands. I finally had a chance to get to the school to hand in the papers, and wasn't able to. Since I wasn't able to, my sons band teacher has been giving him 0's everyday for not having paid the instrument rental, and he has been pestering me about it.

At the time, I didn't think too much beyond the frustration of not being able to hand in the papers. But I was thinking this morning, how proud someone has to be in order to refuse such a simple request. I realise she seemed to be busy trying to finish something, but I am sure that at any other school (and in fact the elementary school that he came from) the lady in the office would have helped me.

Sure she felt justified, the other lady in the office had left and she had thought that the doors were not open, and of course, she wasn't paid overtime. Yet it nettles me, the attitude that she displayed, the power play.

In another context, were I a customer, this attitude would be terrible.

In any case, there has been nothing that I could do. I sent my son with the forms today and hopefully they will take them without too much trouble. I need to talk to his band teacher anyway to see if he will excuse the 0's.

So those are my frustrations for the day, easier to get them out here than to confront self important people (who could make things even more difficult) in their element.

SG

Murder Mystery

I am reposting this for my friend Liz... ;D

Here's a fun (fun?) bit of history from my family. This is my Great Aunt Beulah and her husband "Tiny" Roy Frisbee. He is said to have murdered her. There is an inset photo of him, kinda looks different huh? Funny how people can appear to be different than they really are.

Here is another sad bit from my family tragedy's past, my grandma's baby sister Rose Afton died when she was only 2 or so. This is the only picture of her.

Kind of sad...

I guess applying for a job at a geneology company kind of got my gears going. I've been meaning to scan a bunch of pictures for my family but haven't done it (they have been sitting in a box in my baby's room for the past 3 years, my family is about ready to give up on me). So I think I will get to work, I have the scanner, and the time (for now). So I may as well do it.

(haha, note this was in Feb. and the job interview did not go over)

~Strawberry Girl

Bananas

Every single kid in my house needs to line up in the hallway and put their noses on the wall!!

I'm going banana's!

If they take me off to the funny farm in a straight jacket (you will all know why!).

SG

Future

Thank goodness for the change in scenery that going out with the girls the other day afforded me!!

I've been trying so hard to finish school and catch up that it has taken me a while to realize that I am already here... that I can pursue my interests without feeling obligated to some type of authority and that there is a wide range of things out there to do!

It is passing from the past and living in the present and allowing the possibilities to excite me again, it is learning how to play and enjoy things again. For too long I've lived with regret and done penance, now it is over, time to move on...

Our Future

our future
our future is hidden
among the vast forests of our soul
our future is waiting
among the depths of our own ocean
our future is yourself
you create your future
run through the forests
swim through your ocean
and you will find yourself
you
your future

Zia Jaycee May Trent

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/our-future-3/

Guess i'll get off my judgemental high horse now...

Yeah so the post of a couple of days ago... not so forgiving of human nature. It stems from this... my feeling of inadequacy.

I know that a lot of my struggles right now stem from my mistakes... mistakes of shortsightedness, marrying too young; mistakes of direction, in what to study (accounting which I believed would provide the most security if I needed to get a job, instead of English where I would have learned the skills that I need for writing), mistakes in laxity, in levity (not hanging around enough with my cousins and others).

I just feel so frustrated, that I went from this one really small choice as a young woman, that led to many many difficult choices that were not easy to deal with. I feel the sense of loss, for having to run to catch up... I've been running for so long. I miss people, hanging out, having fun with my cousins I really miss my cousins.

I went out with some of the ladies in my church (what we call a ward, the sisters in the Relief society) tonight for a send off for our good friend Sunny (who's blog I am linked to). It has been the first time that I have ever gone out with a group of women to chat and eat out together. I have been so isolated! First I was in school, had one kid after another and I have always been poor. I haven't been able to relate to or spend time with a lot people, it felt really good to finally know a group of ladies well enough to be able to go out together, and we all want to hang out together more!! I will be so happy if we do keep it up and happy to at least have planned doing something with Sunny when she gets back from England in December!

There is so much to value in life, I have been so caught up in surviving that I have lost track of somewhat of beauty and wonder. I have valued the beauty of the earth, the verdant green mountains, but my thoughts, exclamations of joy have been so confined. It has all seemed so soul less and pointless, I have felt so dead...

Sometimes life can be lonely... and sometimes good friends are right around the corner.

SG

I confess...

I confess to being too gloomy sometimes. I have reason, but gloominess, OI gotta get over it.

I wish...

that it was possible to clean my house with a two year old around (or do anything else for that matter) while my kids are in school.

that I could have some things like new couches, a nice rug in the living room (the carpet cleaners to come over), a bigger table (a bigger kitchen to put it in), and a nice back yard and garden (I can't do much back there right now).

I gotta clean house, it always feels good if I can get things back into order. Our couches are terrible though and there is not a thing to do but live with it.

I finished reading "Pride and Prejudice," funny that I've never read it. I'm going to read "Sense and Sensibility next." I really, really liked "Pride and Prejudice," in fact gleaned some good ideas...

Gotta stop being gloomy

Upstanding Citizens

Today I had the occasion of sitting in a court house, awating to speak to the judge about something that I had no control over and still don't have any control over but which has been the primary source of antagonism in my life for the past year and a half... almost two years.

Actually this was the second case of the day, (different matters) the first one at 10 am the next at 2. Agravating the situation is the fact that they sent us to the wrong court room, we sat through a trial, then found that we were late to the court room that we were supposed to be in and had to sit through about 30 custody cases before being able to speak to the judge to tell him that we had been there all that time (before he issued a bench warrant).

So during the time from 2-3 while we were in the wrong court room I was pondering the lawyers and the arguments, the judge and the process and of course writing whatever I could that came to mind.

Some of what I was thinking is that I have always tended to shy away from argument, I hate it when people try to "read" other people and make judgements about them; in my quest to avoid judging others I also have found that I excuse others, don't get angry about things that I rightly should get angry about and subsequently get taken advantage of at times.

This tendancy has improved quite a bit without suffering from too judgemental an attitude, but still it has led me into situations (some that I am currently in) that have been very agravating, and if I would have judged correctly the people and situations that I was confronting things would be a lot less messy than they are now.

Another tendancy is my hatred of being the bad guy, of saying no, putting my foot down, forcing the issue. Perhaps I need to change that and be more unafraid to push the issues a bit more. Part of it has to do with (unfortunantly and I hate bringing this up) the tendancy of my own Mom to not push the issues about anything. Plus insecurity, not wanting to be in that uncomfortable position of being angry and/or dealing with others anger.

Another bit of thought today was the idea that for some reason society has turned against those who strive after excellence. They uphold idiocy, stupidity and find a great deal of humor in it all. I know the appeal, truely, yet I have to wonder about the world that we live in and how unfit people are becoming for critical thinking.

It is amusing to watch people being stupid, I suppose, there are many shows on TV that display peoples stupidity. To me though I feel a great sense of loss that there is so little enjoyment in, what used to be normal. Things like striving after the memorization of a great poem, the enjoyment of listening to someone perform a piece of piano music well, the enjoyment of intelligent conversation about the issues of life. These things used to be how people entertained each other while sitting around together at night.

I like thinking about things, writing stuff, talking to people... I wish there was someone to discuss it all with.

To this long post I'm going to add what I wrote in court.

Conjecture, supposition, clear headedness, arguement, blind judgement, is justice blind?

How much ignorance is there? How ignorant am I? Fit for the position, how much are we unfit? There is so much... Upstanding citizens, hard working, full of integrity, these citizens, these, are scorned for the heights they acheive. Shall I then fear to be upstanding? Shall I fear to lose friends and acquaintance? Who then shall I relate to? Who then shall I speak to?

Plus, as a closing thought (you can tell I have been thinking too much today can't you) people want those things that others have achieved, like success, brilliance, admiration and the houses and things and respect that have been earned by hard working citizens... yet they scorn those same people for their hard work, they scorn them as being snobby, arrogant, self important... when in reality who, if not these citizens, will be fit to lead, if everyone is caught up in the celebration of idiocy?

Interesting, that I have recieved this e-mail newsletter which starts out discussing these same issues, here is a link, (and just so you all know, I try to read both sides to the conservative/liberal argument because I am trying to be fair minded. And yes this is a highly conservative bent and could possibly offend someone, nevertheless they do make some good points)

(Omitting Link as it is no longer valid).

Snark, snore, wa?

Today, woke up

and yes from an odd dream yet I cannot recall the details... though it involves swimming around through the floors of the university that I went to... don't really know what that was about. Maybe we need to go visit the water park or something.

I spent the day chasing around errands and caught a few.

Ate curried chicken for dinner, yummy!!

Then went to a parenting class where we learned to validate our kids feelings... It was good because I sorted out some things, got some good ideas.

Wrote a new post on my writing bloggity blog, it is styled after the feelings created from reading Charles Dickons "A Tale of Two Cities." So, it is interesting...

Now I am sososososo tired, all I ask is that I don't wake up at 4 am, that R dosen't wet the bed (she sleeps with us, that was the day before last nights, keep me awake offense), that I don't have weird dreams about swimming around at the school comando like (with wet suits and all)... all I want is some sleep, sweet sleep.

(So, so much creative energy went into this post... really.)

YAWN AGAIN

Ouch! I have been at the computer all day trying to compile a portfolio of my writing... it hurts to sit here all day but it is something that needed to be done.

My dears I am a poet... 84 poems over the last year or so that I have been blogging. They are all (almost all) quite unconventionally versed as well, interesting.

Last night was not so great either... and I had a weird dream don't know if I want to recall it.

Oi' ve!!

SG

YAWN!!

I couldn't sleep last night...

woke up at about 4 a.m. mind racing about all the stuff I should be doing (and as we all know sometimes the mind is illogical during the subconcious hours). No amount of argueing with myself could get my brain to shut off so that I could sleep.

So I am tired, but I got some stuff done I was a good girl.

I went to meet S's teacher, I like her, she's going to be a good one for him to have. I then went up to Wally world to buy some writing paper for S, the special kind that is spaced a bit further out. I will focus more on the kids this year, make sure they are getting their work done, everything will be OK... ;D (I am trying to get this into my subconscious so that it will leave me alone tonight)

Well, I am off, I gotta make some chicken soup... speaking of chickens I had an extremely happy moment today when I found a place that sells farm fresh eggs and such not too far from here!! The eggs are only $3.50 a dozen! (you may think that is expensive but it is far better than the $6.00 a dozen that they charge up at Real Foods. Farm fresh eggs simply cannot be beat, that is the long and short of it!)

Yawn... please let me sleep tonight, please...

Update (Or something like that anyway, I've kind of lost track of myself) ;D

Today is a good day, the sun is shining, I got enough sleep last night (super important) we got to church on time (someone check to see if we are in a parallel universe).

Chaos, and order, life seems to cycle through the two extremes. It seems to be either chaotic or ordered...

The kids start back to school on Wednesday, Sione among them, I enjoyed homeschooling him but I feel like he needs to be among his peers right now, he likes the other kids and the other kids like him. It makes him a bit more motivated to work on some of the things that he doesn't want to do, like handwriting, when he sees that everyone else is doing what he doesn't want to do. He's a funny guy... I love that little fellow.

On our way up to my moms house today we saw that there are a dozen or so people hang gliding up above Y mountain. My question is how did they all get to the top of the mountain in the first place, and are they all really that crazy??? (Well, actually I confess to a bit of envy, hang gliding sounds like a cool thing to do)

Anyhow, gotta go help shuck the corn for dinner (we are having Salmon, yummy!!)

SG

Watching Rugby With the Guys

Yesterday we went up to SLC for "Polynesian Days!!"

It was nice to get up there to support our local Rugby team the Provo Steelers. There were a few teams playing before them so I sat up on the bleachers with a good book and listened to the music that was playing in the background.

Baby Isi (or Tyler, er or Ongo, he has a few more names as well, I can't keep track of them all!) Anyhow, he was climbing about on the bleachers while his auntie Hone watched after him. He is the son of Isileli Sam's cousin, and Kalisi. Kalisi is the one who went up to Denver to try out for American Idol (didn't get past the screening judges though).

It was windy and rainy off and on, the wind liked to blow at us through the fence we were leaning on. Luckily these bleachers had a roof over them.

The Steelers won, 5-3, it was very close there at the end. They play again today and tomorrow.

After the game we (Me, Sam and Tane) went over to "Crazy Jim's Buffet." I don't know about you but just the sound of the place scared me a bit. We went in and paid $40 bucks! (Which I was not happy about)

The guy's piled up their plates 3 or 4 times with fried chicken, curried something or other, Taro root, fried clams and whatever else caught their fancy. I found myself confronted with an interesting dilemma, there wasn't much that wasn't covered in some type of sauce or another or fried in some type of batter (both serious concerns to someone trying to avoid gluten) so I ended up with the option of eating a few pieces of fruit and/or sea food.

I chose both, so I ate some cold (unsalted blech) shrimp, some warm shrimp (that I found later) with carrot slices in it, a few snow crab legs (without butter, it is just not the same), and a whole bunch of squid! Yes I was sitting there chomping on tentacles, I was rather amused at myself. I also had a bit of sushi, sweet potato and taro (covered in coconut milk). This place was eclectic, they even had some Mexican dishes.

For the most part it was filled to the brim with Chinese people, which seem to have a singular manner about them, that of avoiding looking at you, if at all possible. So it was interesting, standing there with an empty plate (waiting to be filled up with squid), listening to the tonal cadences of Chinese voices, and turning this way and that to avoid people who seem to be staring at the ground.

Well, I got full anyway (I think I still ate something off though, must have been the carrots). ;D

Afterwards we drove along in the dark listening to love songs from the 80's, which are interesting in their own right, and also such classics as Chers version of "Do You Believe in Life After Love?" Tane liked making fun of that one. It was mostly me and Tane singing, Sam, well he doesn't like to sing along to stuff (maybe it is because I tease him about it, I tell him he sounds like a dying cow, which he does, but maybe I should be more tactful. Perhaps I sound worse and don't even know it). ;D

Yesterday was definitely interesting, I love random excursions like that.

Seizing the Opportunity to Live

In some ways everything is in suspense, the still air around me, deceptive in its transparency, its calm, where has it ragged before now?

Life is moving forward despite everything, despite answers to some of the questions that I have about who I am, what I want to focus on in my life. I once thought that I knew where I was going and what I should do every day until the culmination of my faithful and fruitful life. I thought I had all of the answers before, but things have changed.

In many ways I am putting off doing normal things, in some ways it is more difficult to get to the cleaning and the laundry when there is this endless sense of suspended time.

But isn't this also what I have always wanted, a suspension of time to do nothing but read and think and be? Yes I admit to having made the wish in times past. In some ways it has come true and I am trying to take the opportunity for what it is.

Yet I find that some of the normal felicitous feelings of living have altered as well, the urgency to finish some project or other is not there, in a way I am adrift in the sea with no breeze to set me sailing towards my goal. I am paddling as all get out, but it feels a little pointless.

Yet I know time, and I know life, that it will change and this opportunity is never going to present itself in quite the same way again. So I must seize it with all that I have as the chance to make up for those little skills that I feel that I have never learned well enough, since I have been going full throttle at life, trying to stay afloat, ever since I was 16 and married so young.

Perhaps one day, all of what I have been grappling with and dealing with will culminate into understanding. As a once often read piece of prose extorts; stop getting ready to live and live your life, stop waiting for tomorrows and seize the day (this is the gist of it anyway).

Pleasant little day

It is a clear day outside, the kids weeded a section of our garden late last night in order to be able to wake up early this morning to walk up to their grandparents house, it is funner up there hanging around my little sister and her friends than down here where they more than likely will be asked to do some chore or other.

I am rereading the book "Mans Search For Meaning" by Vicktor Frankel. It is interesting to note his scientific observations on a terrible situation, that of being a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. I am starting to think that the reactions of all prisoners follows this sequence somewhat, of shock and antipathy, then of acceptance. I think in any situation where there is no control a certain amount of antipathy can occur.

Sam asked me to read this again to "help" him with his book report. I like thought provoking books but I kind of need a break from them, "A Tale of Two Cities" was thought provoking enough, then to start on another right off is a bit depressing (I had hopes to read "Pride and Prejudice" funny that I have never read any of the classic romances before, given that I have heard of them for so long).

Well, if I must I must!! ;D

What I would also need to do today is to get over to the library to check out a copy of "Writers Market" to see what types of articles or submittions I can make to publishers at this moment and what I could work on in the future.

7 Years of Bad Luck, Oh Joy

Hi folks

My car will not turn on, it is up in Orem, stuck at Real Foods Market. There is something wrong with the ignition where you turn the key, it will not turn. We cannot even get it into neutral to tow it ourselves. So a real towing company must be called, to tow our car to wherever they will fix it, which will cost to tow and to fix, what little money we have in savings from our tax return.

I am wondering who broke the mirror to bring us 7 years of bad luck.

I am wondering if I asked to be tested like Job in the bible at some insane point in my life.

I am wondering if any of the 6 applications that I put in over the past week will give me a call.

As for right now, I am going to walk over to the kids school to register my son for second grade and hope that they don't shoot me because he is behind. (He reads just fine with me, but with brother, sister and daddy he stumbles).

If you want a nice post check out my other blog

http://creativelywritten.blogspot.com/

(Ah, at least we happen to have roadside assistance on our insurance policy, go Progressive!)

Kittie, kittie, kittie

I have some sad news on the kitten front, we had one of them die on Friday! R brought it upstairs and told me that the kittie was broken!

We also have a little black kittie who is getting weak and not eating. We are trying to give it milk to see if we can help it along, but we shall see. I would be really sad to lose this one because I love black kitties.

As for other news, I am still job hunting. I put in an application for two more jobs today and I am still looking for more to apply to. We shall see how it goes...

The kids will start back to school next Thursday which shall be nice, they are tired of being home. K is going to be a Junior High kid! That is going to be weird!

Here is a picture of said kitties when they were just born...

More Thoughts on Health Care

Ok, so these are my fuzzy understandings of what has gone on in this country and in the world.

I have seen people who have magnanimously given of their resources to others and who have spent their lives in the service of others.

In fact I know of a lot of such people, one of whom is Jon Huntsman who came to speak to us at my graduation commencement and left us with a book about success. He and his wife had this theory as a young couple that they should give, not only 10% of their income to their church for charity but another portion of whatever they earned to charity, they believed in giving until it hurt. They continued this practice, not only through their struggling young married life, but further on into their years of success. They have donated countless amounts of money for cancer research and have travelled all over the world helping to build villages and bring water to families in Mexico, helping them restore their city after a devastating earthquake.

He is just one such example that I know of. There are a lot of people who spend their time serving others and trying to better others lifes.

Over the past 5 decades (or so, since WWII) we have seen a trend for people to become more materialistic, people have had this "I need more" attitude. More clothes, more food, more choices, more stuff, better stuff so much discontent and it is all producing waste.

The government made it easier for people to buy houses, so people bought houses. No money down, some times loans were made to people who didn't even have a job.

Well this increased the demand for houses, seeing the demand people flocked to the construction industry, people built houses, better houses, bigger houses, never ever enough for anyone! Impossible to afford unless you went for the deal of a loan for the down payment and a loan for the mortgage with the high variable interest rates of an ARM loan to make it worth (so it seemed) lenders while to loan out this money.

This was not only the deal with houses, but with cars, and with stuff (credit cards).

I hear about the theory of regulating all of this, but the deal wasn't lean regulation it was over regulation. It was trying to help the poor in the name of equity. If the market were allowed to run as a free market we wouldn't have had all of these loans being made, people in their self interest would have prevented these loans from being made. People would not have bought what they shouldn't have bought, people wouldn't have made what they shouldn't have made, landfills wouldn't have been filled with what shouldn't have been thrown away.

This is not to say that Republicans are right, democrats are wrong (in fact I don't like either political party). What I am saying is that I see problems. I see farmers being paid not to farm, big companies who have the ear of our government putting stuff in our food that gets people addicted to it (seriously). Lies being told, people getting sick, pharmacutical companies producing pills to cure all of our ills... and creating many, many more.

There is a different way, there is the way of being grateful for what we have, of eating what is natural on God's green earth, of working hard for things that you believe in, raising your family to be good and upright and to serve others.

If this is what the norm was in this country, all over the world, there would be far fewer people getting fat and sick because of what I think of as no care.

What we need is to care, to not let lawyers bring up frivolous lawsuits that raise the cost of health care. It cost me $25 frikin dollars for a multivitamin when I was in the hospital to have R that is 1 multivitamin!! Plus to be fair and square to all the nurses that worked there they rotated between the higher paid nurses and the lower paid nurses. Every hour they went from highest paid, to mid-level, to lower level nursing care when they hardly came into my room to say "boo" to me! Plus I got right up after having R and walked around, took care of myself got cleaned up and would have gone home, literally an hour after having her, but they kept me there for 12 hours.

It was my own initiative that kept the cost of having R down lower. I knew we didn't have insurance so I went out to find a cheaper option. I found a mid-wife didn't let them test for obscure minute possibility diseases, (I knew I didn't have diabetes I really, really ate healthy). I went to hypno-birthing classes, prepared and then (because its safer and cleaner) I went to the hospital, had her natural and saved a ton of money.

If you "give" everyone "health care" as is proposed, in an inefficient, care thee not for the cost way. Then there is no incentive for people to try and find cheaper options, thus inefficiency. When people forget how much it costs they are more likely to bring baby with the sniffles to the doctor every single time they get the sniffles. They don't care about losing weight because of the high cost of being overweight, they don't care if Johnny breaks his arm, thus the risk for people not caring about the cost of what they are doing will be transferred to every single one of us.

Did you like being tied to someone who didn't care about a project that you had to do in school? That is how I see it.

Yes I care about people, yes the cost of health care can be prohibitive, there are reasons for this. I think it is those reasons that should be explored. Not ignored and shoved under a collective rug.

I don't want to be forced to have health care, I don't want to force every body in America to pay for my problems, for my care thee not attitude. I want to care about my own fortunes, I don't have a lot of money, none in fact. But I would rather be free from the hindrance of a high tax burden, than chained to conglomerate government programs that encourage apathy.

That's what I think anyway, I know how much suffering there is out there, I hope I can help relieve it, and I hope to not be part of the problem...

and I know I cannot see the whole picture.

Healthcare Bill

I am posting this from my friends blog, I really hate the proposed health care reform bill! Just one more step towards socialism and I can't stand it! I love all you citizens of America, I want this nightmare to end of a messy health care system, but I think we all need to think long and hard before buying into something in a snap. Like we did with all of the bailouts, and our trust in the idea that we could buy a home (with no money down, and no job!! Yipee go me!). That kind of freewheeling spirit has gotten us all into a big mess. Plus I was rather annoyed at the president trying to tie in the possible recovery of the economy with passing his health care reform bill, so here we go, I oppose it, I don't believe him.

From my friend:

This email concerns the proposed health care bill which is being voted on in three weeks. This is not a stupid forward, 'cause my mom and I created it ourselves. I don't care if you're Republican, Democrat, black, white, orange, or purple-every single one of you is affected by this. Please view these links and brush up on page 136 of the bill. If you feel as scared as I do, send it to friends and ask them to write to their representatives. You won't regret doing so. If you don't, well, at least you know, right?

One of the most frightening things about the proposed health care bill is the assisted suicide clause, which says that counseling on how to forgo nutrition, fluids, and medication will be offered in place of care to chronically ill, critically ill, and elderly people. Basically if your health care costs outweigh your value as a citizen of the United States, they'll teach you how to put yourself to sleep.

Here are some video links. I know some of you have seen some of these before, but the vote for this bill happens at the end of the month! Please send the following to your contacts. Contact your government representatives and let them know we don't need this bill!

Hicksville, NY, protest and former Lt Gov:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vC3ENngYnlQ

Detroit protest:
Go to 3:20 on the following video (the rest is just enthusiastic people-watching):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiW8s-Vld88

Columbus, Ohio, protest (part II):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7-75RZuxIs

20/20 on USA health care reform and Canada's and UK's health care:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdx_2cuPgQQ

Fox on Health care:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO9L3oyQhQ8


Part of being an American is taking responsibility for your part of the decision making. As George Washington said of the Constitution, "...its only keepers, the people". It is time to take up our pens and to let our voices ring out. It is our sacred honor and duty.

Let's keep this country free!

August

Today is a crisp August day, I cannot help but recall the feelings of fresh breezes through fevered mind that August has always brought to me, fresh, new, life. I feel as though I am a young student, getting ready for the new school year again, it is quite a different feeling than the frenzied pace of summer, the madness of winter, and the early awakening of spring, in fact I would go so far as to say that fall is my favorite time of year. For me there is a bit of longing in it too, longing for the girlhood friends that have lost their sense of life, who no longer will link their arms with mine to stroll barefooted down the sidewalk, around the block, or into the cool wet water of the river. I feel as though I would like to cry, to pull some felicitous compatriot out of the air and embrace her, sigh. Back to being sensible again, at least for now.

Evolutions, going on a mission!!

We ran up to my parents house this morning to wish my little brother E good luck on his mission. He's going up to Salt Lake to help in the Church's Family History Center. It still hasn't sunk in that he's going to be gone for two years! My older brother Jono is taking it really hard, though he is happy Eis going on his mission, E has been the one who was closest to him. JB is Autistic (oh, yeah, uh, JB means Jono Bonono... don't know why we call him that). It is hard for him to relate to people, but he has always seemed to relate to E.

I love Evolution so much!! (My brother, not the theory)

He's such a funny kid! But he needs to get out, grow, learn. We will write him, and hopefully he will write us back! (He's not to good about that, or I guess we shall see).

So here are the quick, last minute pictures that we took to send him off. His good suits were packed away, funny, I never got to see him wear one of them.

MTC, and Missionary

Today I went up to the MTC with Sam to watch him do some translating from English to Tongan for the Tongan missionaries who are preparing to go out on their missions.

I wandered around with R a bit, who got sick of sitting there watching daddy translate, she went to the bathroom twice. We got creative and drew on the chalk board, talk about randomness! She was being a perfect parrot today, and when I put on my pantyhose, she found a pair (out of who knows what drawer) of my pantyhose and proceeded to put them on while giggling her head off at me. So when we were drawing on the chalkboard I was making swirls and squiggles and she was too (only hers looked better).

After that we went out to walk along the lovely grounds, they have a ton of flowers in their flower bed and R picked two of them before I could stop her. Of course, it was kind of my fault that she was tromping around in the flower beds because I was gazing up at the mountains as the clouds moved across the sky above them. The mountains are so green this year! It was a beautiful sight, plus there were dragonflies zooming around over head as well. So yeah, I had a lot of distraction.

Luckily for me R only found and destroyed two flowers (after admiring them lovingly she tore off their pedals).

After we got home I made us some soup, I guess I am big on soup lately. Then I worked on my studies for a bit.

Sadly, R found that the Runt kitten had died. I heard her squealing about it and she brought it up, laid it on the top of the stairs, then she came over and pointed it out to me telling me it was broken. I felt so sad to see it, poor little thing. It was strange but it just wouldn't eat, we tried to give it milk, but it didn't like that. I wrapped it up in some paper and threw it in the trash, sad.

I just came back from my little brother E's setting apart for his mission, up to SLC Church and Family center, where he will work with technology to help with genealogy and other computer related matters. E's a smart kid, he's going to do well on his mission.

We are going out to dinner now to celebrate.

I hope things are well for all you out there.

SG

Meeting Up with a Grade School compadre'

Grade School :D

I lost track of most of these folks, but a couple of years ago met up with one of them again. I also met up with the sister of one of the girls in my class. She was in my ward a couple of years ago, I thought she was her younger sister but then found that it wasn't. I really like both of them, they are nice girls.

I am bringing this up because I was recently talking to my other grade school class mate, Brandon on Facebook, it is a funny story about how we met up again.

A few years ago, I was waiting in line at a subway sandwich shop near the university when Brandon walked in with his wife and baby daughter, his daughter is about 4 now so it has been about 4 years since this happened. He recognized me right off and I recognized him but couldn't recall his name. He had glasses in grade school so, I guess that's my excuse.

That is all well and good, it was nice to see him again and to meet his wife and baby. I lost track of everyone since I got married so young and they all have young families.

The next time I saw him I think was at the store, I mistook him for my brothers friend. It was funny because I was standing there racking my brain to think of what his name was again, duh!! I was like "I know you from somewhere... are you my brothers friend? He just grinned about that and was really nice to go along with my brain lapse, until I figured out it was him.

After that I went home really embarrassed for being such a dork, really embarrassed, I thought about calling him up to apologize but felt like an idiot.

So luckily for me, he found me on Facebook. I was able to say sorry in a far less... uh embarrassing way, and he was good about it.

He is a pilot now, which I think is cool, and he has a beautiful family with two little girls and a little boy on the way!

I haven't talked much with him though, I usually don't do too much on Facebook, but I was on there Monday looking up the Anita Stansfield fan club (yeah!! I am a nerd) and he popped up a chat to say hi.

I talked to him again today to learn that no, in elementary school not everyone hated me like I thought, some people actually thought well of me.

Grade school is fuzzy to me, partially because it was so long ago and partially because my mind was foggy from Celiacs disease. I was really in my own world in Grade school, the girls were very "clicky" and didn't like me. The boys, well, I remember them vaguely.

I remember thinking that Brandon was really smart, and I knew he was shy but I didn't think about it too much. Thomas, who later asked me out, was kind of mean to me. Tim, Adam, Darwin and Jonathan were mean to me as well (I am looking at my class picture here). I remember Jeremy but not too well. Then there was Ben and Russ, they were in my ward (church) oooo, they made me mad! They picked on me everywhere I went, I know they didn't like me.

Brandon asked me if I remember when our teachers tried to get us to square dance, oh yes I remember that. It was in the school gym (er, lunchroom?), the teachers lined everyone up demonstrated the steps with a couple of the kids, then turned on the square dance music as they called out "Swing your partner, do si do, up to the left and off we go." They had two lines of students facing each other, girls on one side, boys on the other. They had us hold hands and dance down the line, trading partners. I remember dancing with Brandon, & Thomas for the most part I remember all of those darn boys teasing me. So when I got paired up with Brandon and he wouldn't hold my hand it made me mad! I grabbed his hand and made him dance.

Square dancing, haven't done that for a long time, I don't know if I ever have square danced again. Tongans, sort of shake and clap, a really boring thing to do. I always wished that I could learn how to dance for real but that never happened. (It's on the list of stuff to learn) ;D

SG

Not Much Going on Today... ;D

Well, I got up and exercised today... walked up to mom's and back (and I took off my shoes to run around in their back lawn... cause' they have a large plot of land and why not?)

Today, has been, eh... alright I guess.

I made some soup for lunch, chicken stock, potato skins, celery, celtic sea salt, Chickpea Miso, and garlic... it was very yummy!! (and balances your minerals as well)

The kids want to go up to moms, so they are bugging me... I guess I will oblige the critters!

8/4/2009

I was watching a television show about cuttlefish, people like to eat cuttlefish, cuttlefish hide through the use of camoflouge, scientists have found a new type of cuttlefish one that does not hide but boldly shows off its colors and goes where ever it wants to go. Thus they theorized that this cuttlefish had evolved into a new type of cuttlefish, a poisinous cuttlefish...

They were talking about a lot of different fish that had "evolved."

I thought to myself, rich, viberant earth!! So full of life, so full of creation and beauty. Why does it have to be that it is all by chance that things change and evolve? Why does evolution have to rule out the existance of God? When I studied the stars in Astronomy, the way that everything changes and revolves it all seems ordered to me, not chaotic! Even on a logic basis as a human being, can I conciously choose to discard one of my toes or change the color of my hair? But no you say, you can choose who you reproduce with and that changes quite a bit about the next generation. Can't argue with that, yet I still cannot believe that there is no creator, I have seen so much of fate and I have had guidance in my life people step in at the right moment, things change, and all that I thought could never be better eventually does become right. How incredulous I am about the idea that

Oh My Father

Why is it that the hearts keenest cry is a yearning for a greater power when all else has failed?

I have not wanted to work, to leave my two year old though I know people do it all the time. I believe that children need their mother, they need her even when they are in school they need her, especially the littlest ones.

I remember when I was in school, school was a struggle I had to leave my babies to be in class and to work on my homework. I remember my young son, how it hurt to leave him at a daycare to go to class. My heart broke and I would wake up with tears in my eyes that I had to do it.

But I did, I sacrificed a lot for school and in some ways it now seems a misguided effort since I don't really want to do accounting. I would be alright in an accounts receivable or payable department but I do get bored of the work and I would be dreaming of writing and being with my kids.

There too, I feel a bit bad that although I am with them I have not done very much with them this year. My time has not really been my own since I have had to focus on other things. I have a hard time relaxing when there is something on my mind, I push and push on it even when I am getting no where.

This morning, things have been hitting me more keenly... I know there is something for me to do, I can go to the church employment center and work on interviewing and career skills, I will. Yet I cannot help think that this is all so wrong, though I know in my heart that the Lord has been teaching me, it is still hard, very hard.

I also know that I am not the best professional out there, I am grateful for the things people do for me, yet I often don't know how to thank them or what to do.

I just need to try I guess, I hope you all don't think I am foolish for all of my weakness.

SG

Sacred Sundays

Today has been a good day, I got a good nights sleep, got up in time to get stuff done before church, got ready in time (pretty much, we always seem to be late) and there were a lot of people today that we knew from when we first moved into the ward. Our first bishop in this ward was here with his family to see his brothers baby get blessed. His brother Jason his wife Sunny are moving to England in a month! We are going to miss them a lot, Sunny and I still need to get over to the park together with the kids (and soon). ;D

My good friend Peggy was here as well for the blessing and she introduced us to her newly (or about to be) adopted daughter, and her two brothers! I am so happy for Peggy, she is a wonderful nurturing lady who has gone through quite a few struggles in her life (including a battle with alcoholism, she is so open about it and inspiring). She also has trouble with her feet and has had quite a few surgeries on them.

Our lesson today in Sunday School was teriffic as well, very uplifting. In relief society our RS president spoke to us and everyone contributed nice comments to the lesson. I got through leading both songs nicely (yeah for me!) The last song "Carry On" fit perfectly with the lesson. This song means a lot to me and I love singing it (though there was a lady on the front row who kept getting me off key, Oi').

Favorite part about it is that it starts out singing about the mountains, I so relate to firm mountains... the mountains have been there every day of my life (almost).

Ah, and I guess I will make a blog announcement (as my sister is in on this as well). I made a blog (called "Pie in the Sky") as a place to be silly, with my family as contributors. ;D

(...I just read an article about running barefooted, I think I will try it) ;p

SG

Finally, my own bed...

I finally have a bed!!

I have not had a bed for almost 6 months now, I have been sleeping on my daughters lower bunk with Roxie. All this because of bed bugs, it has been a long nightmare.

Long story.

We got a couple hundred dollars from a little job Sam went to help with and there is a lot of stuff I could have used it for but this was important! So I went up to IKEA today, bought a bed frame, then got it home to put it together. I got the frame together and found that I hadn't bought the middle bar, so I had to go all the way back up to the store to get it. I hadn't gotten the wooden slats either but I refused to spend $40 dollars on them so I just got some lumber from the hardware store and had Sam cut it to length.

It is actually a better bed than the last which was a bed frame without a headboard, now I have a headboard, and I am happy/relieved... now I am going to go get some rest! ;D

SG