2020 Thoughts

This year has been so much, all at once. It's been chaos and burning, fear, lots of fear. No one's had a clear idea of what's going on. So much anger and politicization. I've had so much rolling around in my head I keep wanting to write it all down but not taking the time.

It's kind of ironic really. Growing up I thought that as a nation we valued public sanitation and had the means and tools to counter infectious diseases. That surely a plague the likes that people used to see wouldn't happen in my lifetime, how foolish. Plus I thought that we as a nation had overcome racial inequality for the most part and that now we were just trying to overcome bias and prejudice that was residual from the past. How wrong I feel now!

I thought the "War on Drugs" was a good thing, that we were addressing a problem by putting "criminals" away. How little I knew about how the system worked, how unfair it is.

This year conspiracy theories galore have emerged and people have become so outspoken about their pet theories. Yet it's hard to know who to trust really.

It has become clear that our government is a shell, impotent and corrupt, and I have no idea what to do about it. Revolt? Join those out protesting? Vote in another parody of an election?

Also I feel so lost. I keep wishing that somebody older and wiser could step in and be there for me. Come over and help me set up a garden or something. Help me figure out how to use my resources better. I have 2 refrigerators and a chest freezer and cupboards of food and I still feel like I'm starving. I used to know how to manage it all but I work so much that I don't feel free to figure out what I'm doing. I'm hungry all the time!

I'm feeling so isolated. I'm an introvert so for the most part I'm OK with how things have panned out with me being able to work from home. But I feel like facing the world outside of home makes me stretch my comfort zone out and I think it's sometimes good for me.

I read that we are becoming a society like the one that Ray Bradbury was trying to warn us against in his book Fahrenheit 451. It's true. " No one wants to be made uncomfortable, no one wants their beliefs challenged. To be exposed to diverse opinions would demand considered thought and might upset a life of naïve pleasantness. Such a possibility provokes resentment from an immature mind, and resentment often leads to self-righteous destruction. Look at the first line of the novel: “It was a pleasure to burn.” Why a pleasure? Because maintaining a false sense of moral superiority by silencing people who disagree with you is one of the perversities of human nature, something that a liberal education is designed to remedy. Intellectual development is always a struggle, and the search for truth never ends; it requires continuous exchange and debate." (Taken from the site Intellectual Take Out).

I want to think more. It's my nature to sit and think but I feel like that's been limited lately because of certain demands on my time. I want to be knowledgeable, broadly educated. I wish I had the time to study Latin, Greek all the old texts.

But then there aren't many people that feel like this and it's hard to find those who do in order to have intelligent conversations. Every once in a while I'll find someone, then I lose them. That seems to be how it is for me.

Also I want to do something towards resolving the issues we face behind racial inequality and our history of slavery. I've always heard that I had ancestors who fought on both sides of the Civil War so I thought I would look them up. I found a resource, a book of our family history that some of my ancestors have put together. There are a couple of mentions of slaves and their names. I bought the book and I'm going to pour through it and find out the details as much as possible and work with a group called "Coming to the Table." Which is a way for Black and White people to reconcile what has happened. Black people have a hard time finding anything out about their ancestry so I will share what I find in hopes of helping someone find their ancestors.

I've also decided to make regular donations to the "Legal Defense Fund" to help those who are caught in the trap of the American Criminal system (not Criminal Justice, there's very little justice going on).

SG

Reflecting on the times

Looking at things happening in the world today makes my heart break. It breaks for those who are suffering due to other peoples prejudices and actions, and it breaks for those who blindly charge through life thinking they are right and don't take into consideration anything that others say.

If you listen to the TV pundits they sound so serious most of the time they seem right in their opinions because they are bringing in "experts" and discussing the topics with them. What their shows are really are echo boxes. Listening to them for a length of time makes their opinions seem legitimate, they get into your head and all the thinking you should do for yourself is conveniently done for you. Get away from it for a while and come back to it and you can hear the echo chamber (perhaps). But if you're immersed in it for too long than it just sounds legitimate and real.

The same thing happens in religions.

Anyway I will write more later. I'm just sad we're in this position as a country and as a world.

SG

Heartbroken and Happy

I'm heartbroken and happy at the same time. On the one hand I've given up the condo we've all grown to love and on the other I've got some new adventures awaiting at the new home I bought. How is it that we become so affectionate towards a place, a little irrational. How is it on the one hand I can be so glad of the new home I bought and yet think of certain things that it lacks. Comparing it with other bigger and better places. Perhaps I should have just stayed where I'm at, we love this little condo. But I would never have fully felt free to roam around the grounds, to sit on my back porch, and always I've hated the background noise of cars zooming past. So off to a new home, I'm carrying forward with my broken heart, heeding the call of the home I've wanted for my family all of my life.

SG

Quick Thoughts

Sometimes I feel separate from myself, or so wrapped up in my problems that it feels like someone else is pulling the strings. I see other women and admire their aplomb they seem more real to me, more self assured than I am.

I am buying a house. But that means giving up my reasonably priced condo for something more expensive and it makes me feel nervous.

Sometimes it makes it hard to sleep. I worry that I am getting myself into something I won't be able to handle. It's a nerve wracking choice in the middle of a nerve wracking time, such an expensive choice.

Then I realized that this feeling is familiar to me. That I've leaned into the fear before and conquered it. I have had regrets but I'm learning to let them go. I am that strong, self assured woman that I wanted to be all those years ago.

I don't always get what I want. I haven't been promoted in my current role and that has been extremely difficult to live with. But I feel like I am becoming better at managing myself in the role I'm in. That will eventually bring me success.

I read an article about how Gen X adults were lied to. That we were told we could be anything and do anything we wanted. They made that seem easy. It's not.

There is only so much time and opportunity. Becoming an adult means being able to accept the limitations of life as well as being able to grab opportunities as they come accepting that sometimes things won't work out but hoping they will. 

Running out of free time...

I keep wanting to write; late at night, early in the morning, in the middle of the workday, I think longingly of capturing my thoughts. I am always distractible though so it's hard to get into what I really want to talk about.

A lot of times it comes down to a desire to communicate with my kids. They live in this digital world, isolated from the wild. I too was isolated, but I had some lingering bit of wilderness to explore.  To me the sound of the wind in the trees was a lullaby, the rain on my window a symphony and the river near my home a meditation. If you sit near a river and peer into the flowing water it seems that all of life's problems flow in and out of your mind. In place of those problems beauty and fierce destruction a revealing of the inevitability of change, a sign of power beyond our own kenning.

My father had a large garden, he would go out every year and turn the earth with a shovel. I remember the sound of the metal against the rocks, a shiff, shiff sound that told me of his progress. I could smell the fresh cut of the grass wafting in through my open window and feel the cool breeze on the warm summer day. I would go out to talk to my Dad and break apart the clumps of dark brown earth. There were earth worms and centipedes, snails and little brown worms. There were also red spiders that would crawl out quickly, those always gave me a bit of fright! The earth smelled so wonderful, the feel of it would touch something deep within my core. I would dig my fingers and toes in, just reveling in the sensation! The sun would warm my hair and back and I would lay down in the cool, fresh cut grass and run my arms back and forth like I was making a snow angel. The earth, the blue sky, and the wind were the restorative to bring me back to life after dealing with the harshness of being indoors at a desk all the time.

Now I find myself cut off from the earth, from the sky, from the wind. It is a passing friend I gaze upon as I look out the windows and I walk by as I go to and from work. It's different being an adult, I feel more restrained.

I feel lucky to have this condo with it's tiny backyard. There are common grounds and plants but I don't own them. The thing is, I wish I had a nice house near some wilderness and a stream but that would be costly and I have a handle on how much this place costs me. But maybe I should make a move, maybe a villa or some other place in a part of the country that is cheaper to live in, or another country altogether!

Well I've got a moment of time and all I can do is search the endless monotony of the internet. I'm thinking about my children, my life, how it all has just happened so quickly, so relentlessly. In spite of my illnesses, in spite of my worries or anything else. All of my time ate away like the langoliers following behind me.

All that I want to do with my life gets eaten away, a little moment at a time. Anyway, I'm running out of free time at this very moment... TTYL