Quote from Anne of Green Gables

"Nothing very dreadful. I was just trying to write out some of my thoughts, as Professor Hamilton advised me, but I couldn't get them to please me. They seem so still and foolish directly they're written down on white paper with black ink. Fancies are like shadows. . . you can't cage them, they're such wayward, dancing things. But perhaps I'll learn the secret some day if I keep on trying. I haven't a great many spare moments, you know. By the time I finish correcting school exercises and compositions, I don't always feel like writing any of my own."

Everyday Life

I always know when my youngest Son is home, he comes up the walk singing a song, or making some other type of noise. It's fun, and somewhat annoying at times.

I've spent my day home sick, and working on my blogs. Basically rearranging them, making it easier for me to communicate, plan and share what interests me.

Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow, Sans dizziness, and can go to work. 

Many Fears

I am suffering. From a lack of a better phrase.

Each day seems to bleed into the next and it's depressing. I need to find things to look forward to. I need to make the time to do things.

In a lot of ways I've just loaded my days up with work and my interest in research about food, putting off other interests, putting off other plans.

In some ways I am scared to plan, afraid that I will be disappointed if I plan, afraid to dream. I put so much effort at one point into writing down all of my goals, my hopes, wishes, dreams.... stuff I really, really wanted to do and accomplish. But then life took over, it's not easy to prioritize sometimes. The bulk of my life is made up of working... I hate being compelled to work so much...

There needs to be balance, I really need to find that balance... fit in the most important things so that I can have time for the other things. The problem is, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things I feel are important. Learning sql to advance my career, writing speeches for Toast Masters (I've yet to do this, I really need to), being involved with Toast Masters in order to learn leadership skills. The problem here is that I'm scared, I don't know what to do... I feel like I don't have time. Perhaps that's my cue... I don't have time. I need to plan out dinners... but I get frustrated, I spend more money than I would like because it's easier to grab fresh meat in order to cook something quickly. I don't plan out dinners because I'm afraid my kids wont be home to eat and that the food will go to waste. I need to plan activities with my kids... but I'm afraid that if I do they won't want to go with me, they won't want to be with me. I'm afraid that I won't have enough money saved for our bills... afraid to spend... but ironically spend when it comes to things I want, things that further my plans around the house, or books that I'm interested in.

There is a lot of fear that I'm battling. So much fear. What can I do?

Monkey on my back

I was listening to an interview on NPR today about focus. ADD, mindfulness, cortisol... how all of these things work together. How they are having kids practice techniques in mindfulness to improve their concentration.

I realized tonight that when I am trying to complete a TV series I get too wrapped up in it and watch too many episodes... I want to finish it. I don't savor the show I gorge on the show. Plus I try to do several things at once. Work and watch show and help kids with homework. It's all counter productive.

I don't tend to plan a lot. I hate sticking to schedules. I hate planning. For the most part because I spent so much time planning at certain points in my life and those plans never panned out. I tried to schedule things, but for the most part I could never stick to my schedules. I feel much like a failure in that regard.

Every day I grab my notebook with my "Toastmasters" workbooks which have different speeches we're supposed to work on and I bring them with me to work. I am hoping that some golden moment will arrive when I've completed all of my work and am just sitting there with nothing to do and I can write, something.

Sometimes I open up my blog at work, and leave it open, inviting myself to write some profound thought down. Like I can pull anything profound out of my brain when I'm shutting it off to focus on crunching numbers.

I am a creative, intuitive person. A lot of my innate skills are not used from day to day. It's isolating to me.

I like challenges and I would spend inordinate amounts of time teaching myself all this junk in order to compete....

Challenges, that's the spice. How can I make X system work better with Y system. How can I organize. I'm all about organizing. In fact that's a deferring tactic that I have used in the past. I can organize the heck out of things just to put off dealing with them... actually committing.

Perhaps that's what I'm doing with my relationships. Trying to fit them into a box, trying to analyze them, keep them at a distance.

Not getting too close... because getting too close well, I don't want to lose my individuality.

Sam... he's gotten in my head, got me twisted around until I'm not sure what I want. Very skillfully done. Twisted it around so that the only relief that I can get from his whiny, persistence is compromising on my integrity.

I feel like he's ruined my ability to try out relationships with other men. He's outright told me that other men won't care about our children the same way he does so there's no legitimacy to my having relationships with others. In many ways I don't feel safe dating, nor making a decision for moving forward in any relationship because I'm scared up a tree. Not wanting to really reveal my true feelings/identity to the enemy.

I'm no good like this. I've got to get Sam off my back. Else he will always be there, the monkey on my back, pricking me ever and anon...