Happy Halloween

Hi blogging world

It's beautiful out today, thankfully

Trick or Treating should be good, dang!!

I know those kids'll get lots of candy, they'll stash it away before I can take it away!! OI'

Anyhow, so much housecleaning has been occurring around here. It feels good to get things cleared away, yet it brings up nostalgia as I've been sorting out my babies clothes, I've saved so much... now off it goes.

Feels good

Thankfully the pumpkins were carved earlier in the week, unfortunately they are a bit wrinkly... OI', oh well it'll add to the creepiness of em'... er, if they were creepy that is.

Happy Halloween to ya' all! :)

Things

In books it's so clear cut isn't it?

Who should be together, who shouldn't

when a divorce is justified, who is selfish, who is the victim, who is not

even television

it is always so obvious, the course of action

but that is not how real life works

things

no matter how clearly others can see

things are not always clear to the people involved

right in the thick of things

and even doing the right thing

can seem wrong

and the wrong thing

right

At some point, you have to use intuition and logic, over pure emotion

and press forward, even if it hurts.

Job Hunting, in acceleration

I am here folks

I feel as though I am slowly coming out of a shell. My true self, has been hiding behind the mistakes that I've made in the past. The tendancy there was to analyze everything, repeatedly, not letting go but reviewing again what I have done wrong... not good. I suppose that the fact that I was hanging on to something that wasn't working was part of the problem. It just wasn't working, I would think and rethink things and never got anywhere because I wasn't letting go of what was not working and moving ahead.

I am moving ahead now. I had an interview on Monday, didn't get the job, but I did well in the interview so I am taking a positive aspect from it, learning from the mistakes that I made and continuing to apply to the other jobs that are available.

Tomorrow I'm going to call up my mom and see if she will teach me the operating system up at the school, that's one factor that will give me a big leg up against anyone else that applies there at the school. She's trained many people in fact so why not me?

So that is the course of action for tomorrow, give mum a call. Go up to the school, have her show me the system... plus I'm going to look up some of my teachers and have them write letters of recommendation for me. I don't know why I haven't in the past.

Anyhow, I hope things are going well for all of you. Thank you all for the support

Feeling Better

I am feeling better :)

Something very important is happening in my life

it has been exhausting

BUT

Worth it

((Hugs))

Vanquishing Fear

I have come to a point in my life where I am tired of the tendency that I have had to fear, fear what others will think of me as I speak, fear of reprisal, fear of choice and what that will mean for me and others.

In fact that is one of the reasons why it was so hard for me to give a positive answer to my kids about whether or not they could go up to the "anime" bonsai on Saturday. I am constantly afraid for their welfare, I don't want them to get hurt, or to become so wrapped up in anime that they lose sight of other things in their lives. That is the fear of letting them get on the computer as well, what will they come across? Will they waste their time on the computer and not attend to other things?

and I fear to make choices very quickly, there is so much information out there that I get overwhelmed. I have to study things out in my mind and then if I am distracted I get nervous and I get anxious when forced to go with some decision or another without giving it quite a bit of thought and attention.

In fact the pattern for my life has been based on that, with some notable exceptions.

I spent a great deal of time deciding what type of diet would be good for me. I am not a trend dieter. I spent months pouring over diet and health advice before coming to the point that I am at now. I eliminated foods, had my blood tested for allergies, sent off for a test for celiacs disease, all with the hope of being able to be sure that what I did and ate was right for me. Maybe that sounds a bit insane, but the pay off was well worth it because I have a context from which I can buy food... I know what I can eat and cook with and I avoid the foods which cause an allergic reaction in me. Which is good because it is difficult to do anything if your mind is not clear. Bad because in some ways ignorance is bliss and you can basically eat anything you feel like and go along in a happy state of self deception saying "well, as long as I don't eat too much..." or "eh, I don't really believe that... allergies, bah!"

Comfortable self deception indeed.

Yet frustrating as well, in that when you get fat, when you don't feel good, when you can't think clearly, when you get headaches... all unexplainably... and you go with conventional wisdom (ie, what the doctors say... what the internet says... what your neighbor says) then things are out of your control, it is blamed on an unexplainable other and the responsibility for how you look and feel is given away to convention.

Well, I believe the responsibility to be my own, so that is why I intensely study things out.

Along these same lines (to me) is the question of religion. I was brought up in the LDS faith, though everything was inconsistently followed at home. Dad would say one thing, do another, teach empathetically on one principle or another then do the subtle opposite. So all that was unsettling to say the least. He incidentally is the same way with food he takes tons of vitamins and supplement and then eats what he pleases (sometimes) sometimes he has a really relevant healthy diet.

So at this point, I am going to undertake a concerted study, of religion, of ethics. Because I am tired of not being able to be confident in what I am saying. In some ways I am, and I do know what I am saying... but a lot of the whys are missing and then I can't explain things to my kids so I don't know what to say and they are not getting guidance from me.

I don't know how long this is going to take, but I have to start and see where it leads me. I have to vanquish the fear by studying to be sure...

Heartache

Now I feel like going out to run, run away from the demons chasing me, nightmares of regrets, unfinished business touched by desire. Oh heaven, awake and restore me to myself, help me Father to know which way to turn, each turn is a way that I know not of, paralell universes into a zone of twilight misery. How is it that doing the right thing is so difficult to comprehend?

I see, there is a gap

an emptiness

My heart aches for the spirit, for uplifting things, for beauty

My kids are going up to this "Anime Bonzai" thing tomorrow in SLC. I've had misgivings about it from the beginning, it is a bunch of kids getting dressed up in "Anime" garb and hanging out together... I don't know how safe the event is so yeah, misgivings. I've been in this uncertain state and I didn't put my foot down. They went ahead, worked for the money... then I felt that I had to let them go. I suppose all that I can do there is pray like mad that they will be ok.

I'm up late, yeah, it's heartache

I need to be filled again

Carry on, all is well

Well, yesterday was a bit crazy... got going a bit late, decided that I needed to get another Scoby (Kombucha mushroom... I left the last one in the fridge too long and I believe I killed it), plus I needed to get some milk since the kids made me make them vanilla pudding the night before and that used up 4 cups in one go.

So I called up my mom and she came to pick me up (unfortunately causing her to miss her nap, sorry mom) and I dropped her off at work then went up to "Real Foods" for some milk.

Now I love the name of that store "Real Foods" they did a survey several months ago proposing different names, but I voted for "Real Foods" because that is what they sell, real food and not an ounce of artificial crap.

I bought some milk and some "Green" red tea... which is essentially Roobios tea that they haven't dried out in the sun. Then I stopped off over at "Good Earth" (yes, yes another favorite of mine) in search of some of my favorite basil pesto... unfortunately they have been out of the good stuff and were offering up two paltry substitutions instead. I read the label for both of them and picked (then regretted even trying later as it tasted odd... too much parmesan). Then bought a couple of other things and headed home.

Once home I got caught up trying to apply for three different openings up at the school (geez I've just realized that I've got to stop sitting cross legged on this hard chair... I'm getting pressure spots on my ankles!!) anyhow, I applied for several jobs then had to run up to get my mom since she was finished at work. Oh yeah, I lugged out several bags of things that I wanted to bring out to the thrift shop... hmmm, didn't tell her about those... better do it before she calls me up to complain, hehe...

Ah, anyhow, she dropped me off at Kohl's one of my favorite department stores and I found some nice knit sweaters, a purse and some ahem, unmentionables... then went to check out. So the guy at the register asked if I would like to sign up for a Kohl's charge account, I normally avoid signing up for these as it affects your credit, but I like Kohl's and they send out a lot of coupons and offers so I figured I would take advantage of the 20% off (plus $10 dollars above that) to lessen the hit on my finances that the sweaters and etc were taking out on me. So in the process of signing up for the account some sort of glitch happened with the computer and just to compensate me for my patience the guy decided to give me an extra discount... plus he noticed that I had grabbed an employment form so he mentioned the hiring managers name and gave me her number as well as his name as a reference... so that was weird. I got about $45 dollars off and a reference, well, what do you know? (Sort of makes up for having to walk home in the rain... ah well, it was only a sprinkle and the mountians looked fantastic... wished that I had had my camera).

I am wondering if I should apply though... yes I have been out of work, yes I need a job, but there are the three other jobs that I am applying for at the school. If I did get a job up at the school that could eventually lead to being able to finance the Masters degree that I want to take as they have a fund set up for full-time employees. Only one of the jobs offered though is a full time position... hmmm... anyhow this thing up at Kohl's could be immediate work, where as the other jobs, well I'm not sure when I would start with them (if they even give me a call back... I've just been getting form rejection letters lately from the school, grrr).

Anyhow, rambled enough here

heh, just trying to get back into the swing of things... I will stop by and visit your blogs soon

hope all is well

SG

(Never did get the Scoby did I, ah well... I should ask my friend if she has one anyway... save some money)

Exertion

Well, things are getting easier

WHAT? Did I just say that?

Yeah, things are not specifically easy. Every day I have to handle some new situation, sometimes times seems an endless procession of sameness and sometimes it seems to be speeding ahead gradually shifting things about until they are barely recognizable.

As I was walking home the other day I was thinking along these same lines. The earth shifts and moves constantly in motion, yet seemingly the same. Little shifts, pressures that build up and then unexpectedly burst forth into earthquakes, eruptions and even continental shifts.

That is what pressure does, exert force.

Force itself is an amazing concept. If used in a relational context you could say that trying to "force" someone to do something creates a lot of negative energy.

Opposing forces build pressure, pressure builds into an explosion... unless diffused in some way.

So, for instance, with my two year old, we often have um... disagreements over whether or not she should take a nap. I have tried holding her down and "forcing" her to do it, this builds pressure, anger... it is a palatable thing. Thus often I will diffuse the situation by distraction, for instance, bringing her downstairs to watch a movie. Often just leaving the room and walking with her diffuses the situation and she usually will fall asleep on my lap somewhere else.

Force, can we really force someone to change? Well, can we really?

Change has to come from some inner resolution, from the resolve of the person who needs to change. We can suggest and direct, but really we cannot force. Even gradually a forced change can often be a weak thing because it has not come from the path that the person had chosen for themselves.

Thus, to progress, it is up to each of us to make the changes necessary. Ah, I have often thought "if only my parents made me practice the piano" (or something like that) I would be able to play now... Really? Well maybe, but at some point I believe I would have had to embrace it to really learn. That is life isn't it?

Unfinished, Life

How odd life is, kicking against the wind, trying to find happiness. Happiness, being content with what you have, being content with life, or struggle. Struggle as it were to reach some lofty goal, to hope for a better life.

Well, life, love, happiness

Ah, grasp my hand, let us live, let us be happy

Imagine you are hovering over the valley, all the cars move below...

This is unfinished

The Builders

A Poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Builders

All are architects of Fate,
Working in these walls of Time;
Some with massive deeds and great,
Some with ornaments of rhyme.

Nothing useless is, or low;
Each thing in its place is best;
And what seems but idle show
Strengthens and supports the rest.

For the structure that we raise,
Time is with materials filled;
Our todays and yesterdays
Are the blocks with which we build.

Truly shape and fashion these;
Leave no yawning gaps between;
Think not, because no man sees,
Such things will remain unseen.

In the elder days of Art,
Builders wrought with greatest care
Each minute and unseen part;
For the gods see everywhere.

Let us do our work as well,
Both the unseen and the seen;
Make the house where gods may dwell
Beautiful, entire, and clean.

Else our lives are incomplete,
Standing in these walls of Time,
Broken stairways, where the feet
Stumble, as they seek to climb.

Build today, then, strong and sure,
With a firm and ample base;
And ascending and secure
Shall tomorrow find its place.

Thus alone can we attain
To those turrets, where the eye
Sees the world as one vast plain,
And one boundless reach of sky.

~Longfellow