Inspiration

I am inspired!

Run With It

What am I searching for

Here on the computer

Answers?

Ambiguity

Search my dreams

They reveal the truth

Accusations

Fears

Loneliness

Run with it

My Little One's Grow Up Too Soon

Time, every single day that passes takes and brings something to my life. My little girl is not longer acting babyish... not much anyway. I miss my little darling. I want her back.

I'm so angry!!

I'm not away from home out of some selfish desire to keep up with the neighbors. I'm working to try to help/support my family.

My children are growing up without me.

But I don't know what else to do, I can't stop working. :(

A poem to my children:

Sweet little spirits

My Angels

I hold you so dear

Sing you lullabys

We sing songs together

I hold you and you cling to me

My babies

Then you no longer cling

You no longer wish to sing

I carry you sleeping

and lay you to sleep

knowing that tomorrow

You will awaken

A child

A teen

An adult

Will you love me still

I always will

Family Reunion 2012

Our family reunion...

Every year we go up to Ophir this once booming mining town, now ghost town/vacation spot... my parents have been bringing me up since I was a little girl.

It used to be that my grandparents & parents would plan things, Grandma & my Mom would interface with the family and pack up the motor home. Grandpa and my Dad would get the motor home tuned up, water the yard, and do other miscellaneous tasks. Then we would all pack into the motor home and ride up to the reunion together.

On the way my grandma would keep us entertained by asking us to count sheep, horses, cows, etc... plus she would play games with us and tell us stories. My Mom or Dad would drive a secondary vehicle and we would get up to the reunion without too much fuss or problems.

The planning genes have fizzled away...

After my Grandparents passed on my parents made a good effort. They started fixing up the motor home which needed to be renovated and we got a couple of years use out of it... and now it sits idly on the back patio along with a camping trailer that we also used once upon a time.

This year the only trailer available was my little utility trailer. I bought it for $300 dollars from a guy who was selling it on the side of the road. I was planning on fixing it up a bit since the construction of it wasn't completely sound but I've never had time to get around to doing any thing with it.

So Thursday night my Dad came and got the trailer, he said he needed to check out the lights the next day to see if they were working. I got the kids to pack their things and let them sleep over at Grandmas house.

Friday I got off work and ran over to Lub Docs to get the oil changed in my Yukon. I had packed before work but had forgotten some things so ran home to get them. I took a shower because it was hot (and the Yukon has neither the capability of heat in the winter nor air conditioning in the Summer) and packed some more. Then I went to help out and got stuck with the 3 little girls of the family and Sione as traveling buddies.

No one had fed them dinner so I cut up some hunks of cheese and gave them some apples, cheese and water figuring that we would give them something to eat when we got up to the campground.

Then I took off, I had left my family in what I thought was a state of readiness so assumed they would be there before me.

When I got up there, at 10:00ish at night, I found that my family had not arrived. I let the kids play around for a bit and then decided to go down the mountain to see if I could get a signal on my phone. It kept giving me a message that it was "Roaming" and wouldn't call out so I took off to Tooele to get some food for the kids. Unfortunately one of the little girls, Arisa, needs gluten free food so I had to go to the only open grocery store in town, Wal-Mart, to search for something suitable. That was much the oxymoron, suitable food at Wal-Mart.

The girls were on a night time, up to late, naughty streak and kept running around the store grabbing things and generally getting in peoples way. My son Sione got sick of it and started complaining about the little girls. We finally found some cheese and lunch meats (that weren't toooo bad) and some grapes as well. I bought the food and told the girls to go wash up in the bathroom and washed up the grapes as best I could by squirting water on them from the water fountain. I went into the bathroom to find my daughter had climbed up on top of the bathroom stalls. I got her down and spanked her, then made her clean her hands again.

Finally my mom got a hold of me by calling from the satellite phone in the car. They had finally made it to camp, delayed because the lights on my trailer had been messed up and my Dad had a hard time getting them to work.

It was about 12:30 AM when I got back to camp and helped to unpack. My Dad kept shushing us and making occasional comments about how we were like Gypsies. Things finally got set up, I got my kids to bed and then washed up in the little wash house on the property. I ended up sleeping on a flat air-mattress sandwiched between my moms blown up air mattress on one side and my daughter on the other. Sione was right next to her and both Sione and Roxie were snoring like chainsaws. The ground was rocky, I was sore all over... but I lived.

Last night wasn't quite so bad... but I'm still very tired from hustling this morning to break camp. My Dad was off chatting things up until the last minute and then came and complained that we weren't taking down the tents... we were not happy with that... :(

I am frustrated with my family. I'm frustrated.

My mom is getting a lot more feeble than she will admit to and I'm worried about the fact that the only trailer we had available was my little bitty thing. Ironically it has come apart in some places on top and needed a quick patch job with some sheet metal.

I am VERY grateful to have been hired on full time with Adobe. I will finally have benefits, I can finally join a gym (Adobe will pay for it) and I will be able to see a doctor about my right shoulder, it's been aching for quite some time now.

I wish that I could buy a nice camping trailer but I plan on saving as much as possible for my own security.

Otherwise I had a nice time at the reunion. I relaxed in the tent yesterday until late and ate the wholesome foods that I brought up which has allowed me to keep a clear head.

The boys went on a hike and brought back some milk crystal and we had a nice discussion about the mines around the area.

We also had a good discussion about what I've learned about investing and finance, though I'm probably the only one who's going to benefit from my research.

It was overall a good time to bond with my family.

Next year I will at least have the ability to ask for the day off on the Friday before the reunion. Hopefully we will all be a lot better situated as well...

I'm tired... off to wash off the campiness.

A Woman

Wordless glances

Deep connection

Understanding

My hand should be grasped

Silent communication received

Burden me not

I am meant to be held

Cherished

The beat of your heart

A gem so immeasurable

A part of your soul

Safe

Untarnished

No common place thing

A woman

............................................

Tonight

This morning during my sleepy contemplations I was thinking about my lovely little girl. Tonight, I plan on making dinner and then pulling out the buckets in the hallway (that are way up high) with the kids toys and sitting in the living room with her to play.

I plan on walking down the trail to feed the ducks, sticking my feet into the shivering water and holding my little princesses hand as she does so as well...

Life went, from blurry yesterdays to lonely and silent today's in a blink. Yesterday Angie was just coming out of Headstart, I was rushing to take a picture of Sione in his blessing clothes before he grew out of them on a hot and busy day. Yesterday, I was jumping out the window with my kids into the swimming pool in the back... I was still a kid.

I studied hard, read and re-read the textbooks of my collegiate days while my children played at my feet and asked for sandwiches and hugs. Yesterday I cried because they were growing, I carried them and cuddled them, and cried.

I've always been working towards some indefinable goal of freedom, some tangible relief from struggling for a moment to spend with my kids. To spend as myself.

Tonight, I'm going to play. I'm going to sing nursery rhymes and hold hands with my daughter and fall down in laughter with her. Tonight.

Weekend Blues

For some reason weekends can be quite draining on me. I don't have much enthusiasm for facing a day of coaxing the kids into some cooperation in cleaning the house, chauffeuring them around to grandmas house, work, and other activities.... and then basically spending the day alone. That should be a luxury, it's not.

I feel sad that I get so sad.

Today turned out alright though, I got my Honda back from the shop (it has been broken since last October, brought to the shop a few weeks ago and then to the Honda dealer because there was some mysterious something that wouldn't let it run for more than 5 min.).

Plus, I made ice-cream with the kids. They were super enthusiastic! Each of them helped to add ingredients to the batter, each got a turn stirring it, then each took their turn cranking the handle. :)

We had a blast!

I bought raw milk, premium vanilla flecks and Stevia to sweeten w/o the use of sugar. :)

It turned out OK, a bit too soft because we got a bit impatient... but it's in the freezer now (whats left that is).

I'm sad still. I don't know why.

Bit of a poem from somewhere...

"One cannot love truly without truly loving the words of ones lover."

Roxies Giraffe - Adorable

This is her first effort:

Finished Giraffe!!! :)   (and fish...)   ;)

Lackluster reality

My daughter asked me why all I talk to her about is health. Why? Well, it's the only thing so far that I've found that I can figure out. It's a simple matter of research and then trying it out. Sometimes what I learn works sometimes it doesn't.

I care about her and don't want her to suffer the same way that I have.

Life is otherwise very complicated, a lot of it depends upon circumstance and other people's decisions. I'm miserable here... I'm suffering from a lack of companionship. I put out this promise to marry someone who is on the other side of the world. It's not as though I don't love him, I do, but romance and chemistry cannot be carried out through phone conversations. This reality is a lot different from what I had imagined it to be.

Growing

Oh joy, I printed out Dr. Mercolas E-Books. After the first million pages I really should have turned off the printer.

Today is a big day. I'm interviewing for a position in the Adobe A/R department. I'm feeling confident, I can do the work it's right up my ally, my favorite type of work though is what I'm doing right now... process organization.

We shall see what happens... ;)