Choosing to join the Order Management Team

I am feeling a great deal of grief that I haven't let myself feel over what happened in May-July of this year (2012).

I had been a "Data Steward" I loved the challenge, though I was wearing myself out in the emotional investment I had in the position, and I had been offered a tentative permanent position as the team lead. This would include a trip to India to train a new team. Then I heard nothing more about it.

In the mean-time a guy in the office, a manager, stopped by my desk and talked to me about another position that was opening, in accounting, "Order Management." I felt that it would be foolish to not interview for the job so I did and was offered the position. I accepted.

Really I wanted to have heard from my current manager about how much I was going to be paid, the benefits, etc...

The whole thing sickened me. I felt cut off from what I truly loved, developing processes. I LOST the chance to go to India. To walk in my fiances ancestral lands, to meet his parents and sister. I lost the chance to reconnect with him, to feel close to him again.

I've not been as invested in my position as an Order Management Rep for these reasons. I've not been my usual self. I need to let go of the pain and look for possibilities again, this position is not what I love doing, I can do it, but I don't exactly love it. BUT I need to put more heart into it, and into developing talents that I truly love, AND look for the opportunities, they are out there... but hard to grasp if being done from inside a shell.

I can't do anything about the chance that I lost to go see my sweetheart in India. Visiting India looks like a dream at this point.

Emotional Processing

I'm reading a book called "The Bright Red Bow," I picked it up as a way to try sorting through my emotions as it's hard for me to get to the therapists office. One thing that I know about myself is that I tend to feel slightly disdainful/sarcastic about anything that seems hokey (like people joining hands and singing koombaya). So I had to put those thoughts/feelings on hold while the author describes going back in her mind to her 7 year old self to process the feelings she felt then when she was abused, and processing the feelings of her 11 month old self that was in an accident with her family... Now that I've read more about it though it's starting to make sense. I've done similar kinds of things to process and let go of my feelings before. One feeling/action that surfaces again and again in my life is withdrawl. I withdraw into a shell when I'm confronted with anger, disdain... when I can't get anyone to help me around the house and I'm hurt because no one seems to care, when I don't have a chance to talk through things with those I love, when I'm under stress. I berate myself, I blame others... all subtly, I used to be worse. Well I'm tired of letting those feelings stop me from being as loving as I should be, or proactive AND I'm tired of letting my hurt carry over to other people. Plus I'm tired of being an accomplice to my own abuse, allowing things to happen to me that I don't really want.

So I like this book. I'm going to keep reading it and clear my heart from past hurts.

My Geranium Boy

I started this blog as a way to vent my feelings about my frustrating marriage to my now ex husband. That marriage was a nightmare, I shut myself off to protect myself from the truth of it.

My goal was to have a good life, a good family and to be a good wife and Mother. Well, I was so miserable. Life was hard. We were poor and I couldn't get my budget to work, ever. I wanted to be a good example to my kids, so I went to school. That left me with very little time for them. I grew into a zombie.

There was always this search for perfection, ever grasping for it. But I couldn't find it.

On top of that my ex was abusive, angry, irritable...

I had no one to reach out to so I thought I would try to reach out anonymously to people on the internet through a blog. That's why this blog has never really had much about my kids on it, nor much about anything that I'm thinking or feeling... I guess it's been a rather dead blog.

My thoughts and feelings were being shared through my poetry. Very sparsely worded poetry. Not many people could see through it.

Ajey could. He got right to the heart of it. He got past my blocked off and numb state when I went through a crises in my marriage. He has been there for me ever since. When we were together in Australia I was myself around him, someone that has been hidden for a long time. We had big plans to be together, this year took a toll on that though. Too many realizations that us being together would mean sacrificing either my closeness to my family, or Ajey's closeness to his. I love his family too much to see them suffer. His Dad and Mom are such sweethearts and his AMAZING sister Ashi. I love her so much, she has seemed to me a little sister.

This has been so hard. Cutting things off. At first I didn't feel the pain as much. But it's been slowly building. I feel it now but it's tempered by his continuing friendship.

I had set up an online dating profile. I deleted it. I'm not ready to try moving on.

I miss my geranium boy Ajey.

How I feel - Trying to heal (censored)

I am posing a question to myself tonight. That is, why have I struggled with sexual intimacy? It is human nature to want to be close to other people. It is human nature to  be attracted to others. Simply I could say that I struggled with inattention, I wanted to be close to someone. I've ached for a long time to have a close friend while growing up. I was very lonely, as a young girl I had a hard time making friends, I would cry at night to my mom about it. I was picked on in school. I hid in the bathroom at recess, many times, or I would hide on the playground. I was never invited to play games with the other students. At home I felt abandoned as well. My mom was severely depressed, my dad was sometimes someone I could snuggle with and get love. But I grew to old for that. As I grew I started to have little boyfriends. I liked to kiss them, I liked to hold hands and be close. I wanted their attention, it made me feel like I mattered. As I got even older I had this longing, I wanted to be loved, I wanted a boyfriend who would love me, make me feel special. I thought it would solve my problems. I got their attention, some of them anyway. I didn't have sex with them, but kissed them a lot. All except my ex-husband. He was the most persistent, the most ardent, the one who took, and took and took from me. I wasn't strong and I really, really wasn't loving myself. There are many more cases where I've been weak.

I have made many mistakes. In the eyes of the world, in the eyes of people with "Faith" you could say that my behavior was all about weakness and sin. That I am a great sinner. That I still am and that to be redeemed I must repent.

YES, oh God I am a sinner. Yes. I understand repentance, I repent, but then the underlying cause has not been corrected. So I slip again.

The underlying cause is that I need to love myself. PLUS, now that I am an adult, and have finally made two close girl friends, I need to reach out to them.

I had learned that I should stay silent about my pain. I learned that because I used to pour it out on people. That was the wrong approach. I need to talk, but I needn't dump.

This is a rambly post. It is late, but I needed to write something about this.

As for now, I cut myself off from my fiance. Not because I didn't love him, I do, but for other reasons. Time, distance, a need for closeness, a fear of the unknown, and love for him and his family. They need him. AND I would have been a problem in their lives.

At the moment, I am vulnerable, this is why I needed to write. I've let myself be taken advantage of by my ex. He's in town and he's been persistent. So I take a look at myself and think, WHAT?? You know better.

I do know better. But

We have 4 kids together. I am having a hard time raising them on my own. I am fighting so hard to be independent and to be a mom but it is so hard. He breezes into town with a wallet full of money and he spends it on us. Then he cooks, gets the kids to clean, cleans the kitchen, takes them off to do things.

When he is gone it is back to work for me, back to school for the kids. Does this mean that I want to be with him? NO it just makes me realize how much I ache to be close to someone. How much I want to be held by someone who loves me. How much I need to have someone else there and how hard it is without that. It makes me realize how much more energy I need to somehow muster to defend the right. How I need to wake up my brain and my heart to give my kids my all.

I don't feel fit to be with anyone right now. I feel dirty. I question my own loyalty. I really need respect. I really need love. I am tired.

My Thoughts

I have had far too little time to think, especially time to be myself. Sam has been here the past few days, in some ways that has been a good thing, now that I'm out of the eternal foggy haze that I was once in and I can handle his sense of humor. It used to hurt when he would run off and spend his whole day with his friends, sadly, that doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm actually grateful for him being around in some ways... he gets the kids to clean, gets them to cook with him, and he cleans stuff up himself. This has made me realize how impotent I am at commanding attention with my kids, it hurts, I can hardly get them to listen to me at all. I struggle against the tide of inaction every day, trying to battle the overwhelming job of keeping the house clean and the kids fed and I'm only paddling with one oar. Paddling harder has not gotten me anywhere. It is hard to get the kids help because I get them when they are tired. I get them when I come home from work at 6:00 PM more or less and I am tired. I get them when I've been running and running on a treadmill and can't seem to get off. I'm frustrated. Having him here, making things easier for me basically, with the kids anyway, makes me question why I'm fighting so hard to go at this alone. He's over in Hawaii, making big time money, at ease... and I'm struggling to breathe.

The last person I had a spiritual connection with was Ajey. He brought me back to the belief I was raised with. He prayed with me and that felt really good. I know that he would have been a good priesthood holder, he is a good priesthood holder in his own way, where he is at. I let go of his hand though, I had a hard time maintaining the connection while struggling through the quicksand over here. We were supposed to hold on, we were planning so much together, The vision became clouded. The very fact that I couldn't email him, or call, or text more than here and there turned his heart away from me. I could feel it. Plus, I couldn't send him stuff, I've had things in the trunk of my car many months, I've bought lots of chocolate many times over and had it melt in my car because I couldn't leave work to go to the post office and I didn't have enough money to mail it. Plus I seemed ungrateful, mostly because I'm so picky and for some reason if something doesn't resonate with me I have a hard time tactfully showing gratitude for the thoughtfulness. I killed his spirit when he sent me a very thoughtfully packed box of soaps and powders, and essential oils. I was glad when I got the box, it smelled like cotton candy, but I couldn't use many of the items so I probably came across as ungrateful. No I know I did and I hurt his feelings. It has been one long year where little hurts have led up to a great emptiness inside both of us. I miss our talks.

I'm having a hard time with the idea of dating. What am I supposed to do date a bunch of guys looking for someone I click with? I already have had that with several different people. I have a hard time because I care about people, I don't want them to care about me if I can't fully return that. I don't feel like making the effort to keep up new relationships when I have these broken ones I'm sad about.
I made an online dating profile, put in an honest essay about who I am. I got guys offering me dates, BUT, they didn't look like the type of guys who like to develop relationships... they looked like they were after a pretty girl, OK SEX, that's the vibe I got. The decent looking ones live far away (in a different state), AND I don't really feel up to explaining my strong health beliefs, or up to trying to get some stupid guy to accept that I have 4 kids. AND I am poor, I'm not a gold digger but it would be nice to have someone there working with me to get somewhere. PLUS I don't like explaining what has happened with Sam, nor do I like the fact that he intimidates other guys.

I'm hurting inside. I feel like a sex object. I would really like to be wrapped up in someones arms and told how much I am loved. I am a hurt little girl, too big to be held by her Dad. I've lost the feeling of having Gods protection and guidance. I don't know if by my own sins, or by my wounded soul. I'm tired of blaming myself, of beging for forgiveness, especially when it seems that I will become that object again, I will lose control of myself and allow and/or seek that glittering piece of love from whomever is offering it and will fall into that again. A moments bit of relief and connection. Sometimes I want to curl up tight in my closet, like I did when I was a little girl. I want to curl up and cry but I can't because I have to fight, tuck all those emotions away and go about the business of trying to struggle up the sand again, hoping to do something good for my kids even though it seems to not work. I feel like my job is to solve word problems all day and I just can't seem to get the hang of it well enough to get excited about figuring out new ways to do the processes. I'm surviving, I know somewhat, or mostly what I'm doing... but I'm also stifled as well. I want to breathe. But I think the biggest part of the struggle with it is that I'm so tired. And Sad. And alone. I can get excited and driven about anything, if I feel supported and loved. Or I can become driven and self destructive, if I am trying to fight a battle of determination.

God forgive me for seeking tidbits of love. I need larger doses for sure.

SG

Thoughts 12/27/12

I have had far too little time to think, especially time to be myself. Sam has been here the past few days, in some ways that has been a good thing, now that I'm out of the eternal foggy haze that I was once in and I can handle his sense of humor. It used to hurt when he would run off and spend his whole day with his friends, sadly, that doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm actually grateful for him being around in some ways... he gets the kids to clean, gets them to cook with him, and he cleans stuff up himself. This has made me realise how impotent I am at commanding attention with my kids, it hurts, I can hardly get them to listen to me at all. I struggle against the tide of inaction every day, trying to battle the overwhelming job of keeping the house clean and the kids fed and I'm only paddling with one oar. Paddling harder has not gotten me anywhere. It is hard to get the kids help because I get them when they are tired. I get them when I come home from work at 6:00 PM more or less and I am tired. I get them when I've been running and running on a treadmill and can't seem to get off. I'm frustrated. Having him here, making things easier for me basically, with the kids anyway, makes me question why I'm fighting so hard to go at this alone. He's over in Hawaii, making big time money, at ease... and I'm struggling to breathe.

The last person I had a spiritual conection with was Ajey. He brought me back to the belief I was raised with. He prayed with me and that felt really good. I know that he would have been a good priesthood holder, he is a good priesthood holder in his own way, where he is at. I let go of his hand though, I had a hard time maintaining the connection while struggling through the quicksand over here. We were supposed to hold on, we were planning so much together, The vision became clouded. The very fact that I couldn't email him, or call, or text more than here and there turned his heart away from me. I could feel it. Plus, I couldn't send him stuff, I've had things in the trunk of my car many months, I've bought lots of chocolate many times over and had it melt in my car because I couldn't leave work to go to the post office and I didn't have enough money to mail it. Plus I seemed ungrateful, mostly because I'm so picky and for some reason if something doesn't resonate with me I have a hard time tactfully showing gratitude for the thoughtfulness. I killed his spirit when he sent me a very thoughtfully packed box of soaps and powders, and essential oils. I was glad when I got the box, it smelled like cotton candy, but I couldn't use many of the items so I probably came across as ungrateful. No I know I did and I hurt his feelings. It has been one long year where little hurts have led up to a great emptyness inside both of us. I miss our talks.

I'm having a hard time with the idea of dating. What am I supposed to do date a bunch of guys looking for someone I click with? I already have had that with several different people. I have a hard time because I care about people, I don't want them to care about me if I can't fully return that. I don't feel like making the effort to keep up new relationships when I have these broken ones I'm sad about.

I made an online dating profile, put in an honest essay about who I am. I got guys offering me dates, BUT, they didn't look like the type of guys who like to develop relationships... they looked like they were after a pretty girl, OK SEX, that's the vibe I got. The decent looking ones live far away (in a different state), AND I don't really feel up to explaining my strong health beliefs, or up to trying to get some stupid guy to accept that I have 4 kids. AND I am poor, I'm not a gold digger but it would be nice to have someone there working with me to get somewhere. PLUS I don't like explaining what has happened with Sam, nor do I like the fact that he intimidates other guys.

I'm hurting inside. I feel like a sex object. I would really like to be wrapped up in someones arms and told how much I am loved. I am a hurt little girl, too big to be held by her Dad. I've lost the feeling of having Gods protection and guidance. I don't know if by my own sins, or by my wounded soul. I'm tired of blaming myself, of beging for forgiveness, especially when it seems that I will become that object again, I will lose control of myself and allow and/or seek that glittering piece of love from whomever is offering it and will fall into that again. A moments bit of relief and connection. Sometimes I want to curl up tight in my closet, like I did when I was a little girl. I want to curl up and cry but I can't because I have to fight, tuck all those emotions away and go about the business of trying to struggle up the sand again, hoping to do something good for my kids even though it seems to not work. I feel like my job is to solve word problems all day and I just can't seem to get the hang of it well enough to get excited about figuring out new ways to do the processes. I'm surviving, I know somewhat, or mostly what I'm doing... but I'm also stifeled as well. I want to breathe. But I think the biggest part of the struggle with it is that I'm so tired. And Sad. And alone. I can get excited and driven about anything, if I feel supported and loved. Or I can become driven and self destructive, if I am trying to fight a battle of determination.

God forgive me for seeking tidbits of love. I need larger doses for sure.

Childhood Thoughts

If you had known me then

Free Spirited

Like the wind

Would you know me?

Sometimes, sitting here is like...

waiting for your turn in a long line

screeching tires

confinement

Hours I spent

Pulling nails out of boards, then hammering them in again

Exploring the domain of the "Potato Bug/Rolly Polly"

Plucking leaves off of plants and crushing them to see what they smelled of

Here I am

Being crushed

Justice

So hard to think...

Sometimes it's hard to find time to think. To lay back and contemplate. A lot of times I think as I drive.

Tonight, the air frigid and still, I thought about how we are immersed in life and death. Each steady breath we take, a part of life, each pile of decaying leaves and snow that I pass a part of death.

When on the freeway I somehow can't stop myself from reading the billboards. Stupid drivel. The drive out to the new office is sometimes longer than I expect, sometimes shorter, depending upon my mood. So the billboards help me as landmarks.

Paleo bit and rambling about something else...

It's snowing hard outside. I'm so glad we are finally getting snow! Last year was very dry. I've been on this very long journey. It seems like a journey of a thousand lifetimes. It has all been about answering the question "What can I do to be healthy" and the experimentation and introspection that has gone along with that. I have grown up trying to solve my health issues. I have always felt something to be wrong in the way that I felt. I never knew how bad it was until I fell into a trap set up by misinformation, political agendas, cultural acceptance... that trap was the "SAD - Standard American Diet" and the fad "Diets" that went along with it. I tried a high fiber, Vegan diet that replaced meat with TVP... it almost killed me.

What is ironic is that I am SO sick about focusing on my diet. I have read MANY books on the subject of diet. I've gleaned a little from each. None of them helped the way that the Paleo Diet has helped.

THANKFULLY it helps. I'm finally feeling better, I finally have energy and a clear mind and direction.

In many ways I am alienated because I stand here having tried and proven many different approaches to health to be wrong and find that not many people have found this path.

It is like religion, a search for the ultimate truth. I've gotten to the point where I feel like I've found it. Yes I have absolutely found it, the way for me to be healthy, and I'm glad. I'm secure enough in that now that I don't have to push it on others, my path has been my journey, others have their own journey to take.

SO on to other things. That's where I hope to focus, perhaps books, movies, TV shows.

Books: "The White Mountain" by Thomas Mann - Love it
TV Shows: "Monk" and "Alphas (sort of, it's not as good as it has potential to be)
Movies: "The Lord of The Rings" FAN, but not super obsessed... it's kind of on par with my interest in Star Wars and Star Trek. I like and enjoy them, but I'm not giddy with excitement about a gathering of folks dressed as characters, I won't stay up all night for the new "Hobbit" movie coming out (watching the marathon of LOTR's) etc... BUT I do like listening to LOTR on You Tube (there's a great reading that was done by "Philstuffofdoom" and I am excited to see "The Hobbit" but not super excited they broke it out into 3.

I am excited about "Les Meserable" I listened to the unabridged book read by volunteers on Librivox and really liked the story line (though the long rambling sections about sewer systems and Waterloo were a bit discouraging).

I'm not sure how I feel about "Life of Pi" being turned into a movie, should be interesting.

WELL, I'm off to bed, it's late and that doesn't work well with the Paleo gig...

SG

"Why Eat Fat?" "Why No Grains?"

I like these articles from "Marks Daily Apple"

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/high-fat-diet-healthy-safe/#axzz1zRjgGpzu

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/top-8-most-common-reactions-to-your-grain-free-diet-and-how-to-respond/#axzz1wxULs0Vc

My Pain

I started blogging because I was heart broken. My husband, he was a part of my existence, from the moment I married him it was hard, but I had this hope that things would get better and that the life I hoped for was just around the corner. He betrayed me, got another girl pregnant, he was shipped off to Tonga by his family. Before he left I flew to California with my son Koli. I clung to my husband, I wanted so badly to believe that it was all a mistake, that he really did love me, that the other girl wasn't who he really loved. I clung and then he left. For nine months I sacrificed my time and money to get him a visa to come home. His family had brought him here illegally I fought to bring him back legally, I fought because I hoped. When he got back I remember sitting out in front of the little apartment that we first rented, writing in my journal that I could see ten years down the road that he wasn't going to change but I just couldn't let it go, I couldn't give up. I wanted my daughter and son to have a father I wanted my family to be whole I FED off of hope. I cried tears of painful hope every night as I poured out my heart to God. All the while a part of me knew somehow that somehow in the end I would have to divorce him, or that he would betray me. Somehow part of me really wanted him to end it. Part of it was pride, I didn't want my kids to blame me for not trying everything I could to keep our family together. He was abusive. I could see all of his pain from his childhood, how he was raised and wanted to heal it. I wanted to make everything better, make up for his loss as a baby of his mom, he treated me like I was his mom sometimes, which was weird, he called me mom just the other day.... weird twisted world. He took advantage of my pity. Used it as an excuse for all of his shortcomings. I didn't feel loved mostly I felt used, used for sex, used for sex, and more sex. Mostly his life was about avoidance. I tried to get him to parent, it always backfired, he would explode at the kids, or make them feel bad about themselves or both. Luckily Koli, Sione and Roxie seem to have avoided most of that... though Koli was hit the most by him, Angela was hurt the most. She entered a shell when he would rant. She would become silent, he wouldn't touch her then because she was silent. Koli always cried and cried, it made him worse. I tried to find love, his cousin found me, he hurt me. Ironically every male attempt, just about every time, I'm offered sympathy, a back massage and then I fall into a defensive state, I withdraw and things happen to me that I'm not really a part of. Or I guess I don't want to admit to being a part of them, it makes me hate myself. It always hurts after, I always hurt after I've allowed myself to be used. In many ways I wish, that I could lay down next to my Dad, he would run my hair between his fingernails and kiss the top of my head, until I got too big. I know my Dad loved me/loves me but it's a different relationship now. I'm his daughter yes, but I'm an adult, I'm more like an acquaintance sometimes, it's weird. I looked to others for love, and didn't find it. Sam freaked me out, flipped out one Christmas and tore apart my daughters Lilo doll because she didn't want her younger brother to play with it. After that I was so scared, Sam had threw things at me, pushed me to get at the doll which I had hidden in the laundry room. After that I didn't want anything to do with him. I found someone else to take advantage of me, but I couldn't leave Sam, it would have been my fault... then I broke it off with the other guy, went back to Sam, made up.... and he seemed different, went to church... talked to the bishop, wanted to be sealed. I was terrified of the idea. Didn't want to do it for a long time, but then I questioned why not, it was everything that I had wanted a whole intact eternal family. I bought into it, I stopped hoping that he would leave and that the time had come that everything would be right. It did seem better, right. I remember realizing one day while getting out of a late class and walking to the parking lot to my car that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, I felt Sam like a part of me, I loved him, I cared about him and for him... I felt everything would be alright, until it wasn't.  It wasn't, 2009 was the year from Hell. A broken economy, which broke Sams ability to earn enough money, me striving to be better and better... a perfect mom, homeschooling her little boy. A bing on bran muffins and textured vegetable protein that almost killed me (trying to be a "Healthy Vegan), Sam flipping out because I was trying to get rid of the bad candy on Easter (I ate some and it made my heart race) and I threw some in his face because he was arguing with me about it, he turned over the table in the living room with flowers that I wanted to plant and a bowl of pistachios then he threw my daughters car seat at me, it hit me on the leg I went out the front door, I went limping down the street but there was no one awake. I didn't want to be dramatic, I didn't want to disturb anyone (it was very early in the morning) so I limped back, I swallowed my tears and swallowed his story that he was dreaming, that his uncle used to kick him when he was sleeping because his aunt told him that he had stolen money. I let it go but was hurt, and very weak. Weak because I was very sick.Then the day that the floor fell out from under me. The day my daughter told me her Dad had tried to put his hand down her pants. I believed her, I took action and then I took it back. I didn't want him to go to jail. He told me he thought she was me. I WANTED to believe him, but I knew deeply that it wasn't true. He told me that he was supposed to pick up a $50,000 dollar check that morning for all of the work he had been doing on the Price airport. He told me it was his last chance because the guy was going to fly out to see his mother who was dying from cancer. I felt ill because he had worked so hard all year and had borrowed so much money and $50,000 could have fixed a lot of that. I wanted to protect my daughter, but I wanted things to be better, I borrowed a thousand dollars from my Dad to bail him out and I let him back into the house, into our lives. I put a lock on her door. I let him stay with us... it was a nightmare, we had court hearings, DCFS wanted answers. He was not supposed to be staying with us, I lied to the court. My therapist calls it the Stockholm syndrome where a victim will protect their abuser. I finally did kick him out, September of 2010. It was winter. He took our Yukon and lived out of it for a while. Stayed with his friend sometimes. I couldn't help him, I had to turn my heart to stone. He begged and pleaded, he cried. I had to stay strong but when he left I would break into tears. I would scream. I didn't have a car for a while. Then I bought a little Honda from our neighbors, the doors on the passenger side were smashed in a bit because it had been in an accident. The window was cracked it needed a new battery and headlight but it was $300 dollars and only about $300 more to fix it. Then I had to pull myself together and look for work. I applied and applied everywhere I could but couldn't find anything. The Bishop of our ward paid the rent from church fast offerings. I was on food stamps and medicaid. We were OK. Then my son ran into a light post and his friends house and broke his kidney. He complained about his stomach hurting but I thought that it would get better, except that he was lying on the couch and not getting up to join us for dinner. After dinner he went up and used the bathroom then came down to tell me that he had blood in his urine. I brought him to the Orem emergency room, they did a CAT scan and then explained that his kidney had broken, they were about to send him in a helicopter to Primary Childrens hospital but found that his vital signs were good so sent him by ambulance. I rode with him. Sam drove the Yukon. I felt sick. Fortunately the doctor at Primary Children held off on doing surgery to remove the kidney because Koli's vital signs were good. He recuperated at the hospital. They put him on a special diet and let his body heal. I got a job. Out of the blue a company I had interviewed with before hired me. I started working, but was afraid I would lose my job because I had to go to SLC to see my son everyday. But I tried very hard not to let everything I was going through and had been through affect my work. I tried VERY hard and was taken advantage of. The company rewarded my efforts by making me a supervisor and putting me on salary and giving me benefits and then they demanded my time. They demanded that I finish X or Y project before going home and so I would work really late, sometimes I worked all night. I was in so much pain, I still screamed at times about everything that had happened. I would scream out in my little broken car and then would pull myself together and go in to work. Perhaps I will write more later...

Lonely different girl

Loneliness a part of life. It's a driving force behind many motivations. I've got this need to justify myself, justify my differences, and put out feelers of thoughts here and there looking for acceptance, belonging.

The hardest thing about choosing a different course of life is feeling different. Human beings, as much as they like attention at times don't like sticking out. Perhaps some kind of instinctual protection against being singled out of the crowd, being left alone, completely alone.

My friend at work, Oumar, is head over heels in love with his former girlfriend. He talks about her all the time, she sounds great. I guess she broke things off with him. Sometimes I will go on walks with Oumar, he starts nodding off at work (because he stays up late a lot and works two jobs). He likes to talk about religion and/or football. His parents are from Africa, he grew up in France. He's a nice guy, but somehow I feel awkward and dorky around him. I talk about my favorite subject, food and it's affects on the body, he nods and listens (sort of) then eats a piece of cake. That's about the extent of my interaction with Oumar I keep thinking though, that it's a rather difficult acquaintanceship (weird word) and it's easier to walk with Mandi or Sorina because I can talk about just about anything with them and laugh my head off. Yeah.... but Oumar is a nice guy as well.

Tomorrow I'm going to watch the first of the LOTR trilogy with Mandi and Sorina. They are flying to India in a week to train the team over there. I'm so excited for them but keep banging my head on my desk when no one's looking that I went for the Accounting job. Why me?? Oh cruel fate! I'm hoping that I will find a position that fills me with interest and joy like the Datasteward role did. I loved that type of work. The type of work I'm doing now is making me crazy... not that I'm ungrateful mind you, I'm glad to have a job. I'm glad to have benefits, I'm grateful that I'm starting to understand the systems related to this position and starting to see the possibilities for little projects that will make things more interesting... but at the moment I'm pulling my hair out because of client managers/customers that have done several weird addendum's to their contracts and as a result can't understand their billing. Somehow I've had 3 big clients with the same type of issue in the past 2 weeks, it's driving me bananas!!!!

My neighbors moved out and Fabio is moving in. Yep, Fabio, haha. He brought over two girls who he introduced as friends and now it sounds like he's spraying down his apartment with water, it's sort of strange.

Differences, a theme my mind keeps dwelling on. I was raised in a cluttered home my mom was too tired to clean, she was also too tired to do much else but make a quick, easy hamburger helper type dinner and then beat a retreat to her room to read.

But what does it matter to me? I suppose that I look at my family and lament that we have all been affected by poor nutrition. You know, I wish it wasn't that! I wish it was the favorite American myth that what ails us is a result in a bizarre twist in our genes. I'm convinced though that it's all about nutrition. But knowing that doesn't make anything better, in fact it makes me want to swallow my tongue and/or go back to the ignorance that was my common thread with everyone else before.

Then why can't I simply be different? Miss cool, confident, self directed girl who everyone loves (and who doesn't give a flip about what others think of her).

I've got some of the cool, some of the confident, lots of the self-direction... but too much care about what others think... perhaps because I care too much about what they think, I do too much to try to compensate for my perceived inadequacy as my ideal self.

Anyway, so much ranting tonight... time to try shutting off my thoughts and getting to bed.

SG

Ears a ringin'

I slept until about 12 in the afternoon today! My head is clogged up, it some noises are louder than normal... and my ears are ringin' grrr

I'm glad my manager told me to take the day off, don't know if I could have handled work today... though I wish I could have gone in because I only needed to work 5 hours to get a full 40. I would have worked a bit in the afternoon but I needed to be a Mom for Angie. She had to get her wisdom teeth out today. They put her under anesthesia and she was done in about an hour... poor little girl, came out with puffy cheeks and ice packs on her head. I ran up to Costco to get her prescriptions which was a mistake because I spent too much money on stuff... or did I? I don't know, everything costs so much money these days. 

I decided to make her requested chocolate pudding from scratch, since it's easy enough to make, and cheaper that way. The only way to make homemade pudding pass muster though is for me to add sugar so it got a half cup... can't seem to pass off Stevia sweetened pudding to the crowd.

I'm going to try making gelatin tomorrow with real gelatin and real fruit juice... we'll see how well that goes over... ;)

Bloggin

50 Followers, nice round number. ;)

I visited with a therapist yesterday, talked about some of the my life; my divorce, Sam. She mentioned how a divorce is a loss of identity, that made me tear up.

It seems like life's all about knowing who you are. That's hard when your identity is tied up with a certain set of circumstances and ideals, when they change it's easy to get off kilter.

For a long time I was a student, I was a MOM... I'm still a Mom but it's different somehow, now that the kids are older. My youngest still makes me feel like a Mommy, but the older ones... sometimes I wonder what I mean to them now. I wonder if my Mom feels the same way?

I was watching "This Old House" while working on contracts the other day, somehow it helped me feel better. Sione's been watching "Full House." It's weird to see the episodes, so familiar, yet different.

HOW can I get started writing then end up wasting 40 min on Facebook... stupid fb... ;)

Anyway, it's late... Goodnight blogger

Heart Thoughts

I don't know why so much of my life is lived in a rather singular minded fashion. Force myself awake and to work. Clean, get things done... off to bed. A heart impervious, maybe even closed to the shared humanity around me.

The rat race. Someone described it today in church, the aching to get out of school to get on with life. Well life is what is happening now, life is the sore limbs, the headaches, pushing and striving towards a goal just out of reach.

Life is happening under our feet. Bugs busily gathering food, worms up for some breathing air getting stuck on the sidewalk. Birds chirping and chasing each other. My cat out jumping and snapping at the passing dragon fly's.

I wish I could hug more people. Just hug them to let them know someone notices their pain, notices that they are gritting their teeth and dealing because that's what they have to do. Ha I try to hug as many people that I can who wont take it in a bad way.

My oldest daughter, she is so brave and caring. I am amazed by her! She's grieving for a friend who passed away recently. He went to the park and hung himself. I don't know why. What can I say to her that could help? There isn't much.

People take their own lives. Who knows why or what could have stopped them.

My friend Joe was knocking me for grabbing leaves while out for a walk the other day. We walk together as part of the Adobe GCC healthy challenge. "What did the tree ever do to me?" well nothing. I have no reply for that except to answer why I like to grab leaves as I pass. There is something in the scent of pine needles, the texture of a maple leaf that reminds me that sitting at a desk all day is only an illusion of reality that I'm forced to live out for the sake of feeding my kids. I wish to capture a peace of the alternate reality before I go back to my desk.

That's why I like plunging my feet into the cold river and squishing my toes in the mud as well. These sensations remind me that the world is wonderful. It is full of wonder and beauty.

My dear cousins have lost their father today. He died in my cousin Yousefs arms. I feel for them, they all loved Uncle very much. I miss them too, don't get to see them nearly enough since they live in California. Thank goodness for facebook! Though I hate the site for many reasons (egocentric living, invasion of privacy, games that people get obsessed with etc...) I do like it for the aspect of connectivity that is hard to maintain in a world which is so spread apart as ours is.

I am going to go make some chicken soup for my little Japanese friend Nozhomi. She left church early today with Tracy (the Japanese girl in our ward who arraigned the home stays) as she caught a cold from gallivanting on the mountain yesterday in the rain (go figure).

Grasping At Peace

I don't have a lot of time, or money. I have lots of thoughts though.

It would be easy to live a superficial life. Buy stuff, clothing, jewelry, car and a nice home... sometimes I want to do that buy stuff... look good. It's not sustainable though.


In this day and age people often seem to be devoid of humility. The great goal is to look better/be better than everyone else. I don't like the game... it's easy to get dragged into though, easy to think that you're not good enough if you don't have enough...

I thought my Grandparents were rich; they had a nice home and car, plus Grandma always looked well dressed. Grandma was smart in what she bought to wear, she always looked nice because she took good care of her clothing... I'm trying to get to a point where I can buy some nice things to keep nice...

I'm following the Paleo diet out of necessity.... it's been expensive and somewhat alienating. There are very few people that I know of who follow the diet. It is hard to be so strict with what I eat, but it is a line in the sand. I ABSOLUTELY know that if I eat something that is bad for me I will feel sick. It has been a process of gradually backing away from what is artificial and popular in order to be well.

Artificial and Popular

I wish I could fill my life with all that is real and wholesome and good. Somehow to me the things that fill our modern life are not fulfilling. I look at all the stuff and think "meh!" it's not good enough for me. I want real stuff, real! I'm so sick of all that is fake and phony.

Well.... anyway. Enough random thoughts.

We've had two beautiful Japanese girls living with us for the past week. They are so sincere and real! :)

I love them. They are so complementary, they try all the food I give them to try and say it tastes good... NICE

We've done quite a few things with them. It's been nice, my family has gotten in this rut where I work and the kids hang out at Grandmas and we never get together and have fun.

Last week we went for a drive through the Alpine Loop. This Saturday we hiked up to Timp Cave. One thing that I can't help noticing, the clarity of mind that I have now. I was SO trapped in a foggy world when I ate crappy food. Now it is a clear head that looks out through these eyes. It doesn't make everything better, but it makes a great deal of my life better.

The hike up the mountain was cold, wet and windy. The cave was beautiful, so many interesting formations. The hike down the mountain was wonderful. I like to feel the texture of things. The rocks, the trees. I love the intricacy of the mosses that grow like fireworks bursting forth from the ground. Rain is sometimes discouraging but the air after a good rain is fresh, especially up in the mountains. There was one moment when I was separate from everyone else that I looked out over the expanse and a cool spicy breeze filled my lungs. That was a moment of clarity. One moment of elusive peace. I need to visit the mountains more often...

Perhaps I can talk someone into visiting the lake with me soon... ;) A Japanese girl or two? That would be fun...

Thoughts

I am often baffled at how deeply wrong human interactions can go, how completely misunderstood intentions can become. I was in a relationship for 14 years where silence reigned, ruled over our interactions, built up until bursting. But then I tended to attribute more thought to my ex-husbands intentions than he had put into them. I tended overthink things when he’s really very simple, very little thought at all. Then I became involved with men who think far too much and have been struggling just the same, perhaps in some ways more so.

Feeling Off

I'm home today because I'm feeling a bit off. Yesterday I felt like my head was underwater, today I just felt wiped out. This is a good opportunity to sit down and think. Establish a little what I want to do.

Yesterday I met with Mark, my managers manager. We discussed a bit about what's working/not working and where I ranked myself.

I've been a bit insecure in this area... ranking myself. I get into work, I like my job... I understand what's expected of me... but in some ways I am in a bit of a rut. What do I need to do differently?

It feels like making an error at work is unacceptable. I just want to throw my hands up and stop when I'm continually brought to task about errors. I've been watching some episodes of "Undercover Boss" today though and see the positive attitude that a lot of people have. They keep going even though they have tough jobs. It makes me feel whiny to see them getting on with life and not whining... am I whining too much?

SG

Dragging

Yesterday I felt like some kind of bug was coming on, flu, cold... overwork. I felt a bit off kilter anyway. I had an appointment to get my blood drawn first thing in the morning, it was hard to drag myself out of bed... not much motivation when you know there's a needle at the other end of the task.

Somehow I made it through work, dead as I felt, and somehow I thought it would be a good idea to go out to dinner with my friend Sorina and hit a free rooftop concert downtown.

It was fun, I'm not up to much today though.

SG

Inspiration

I am inspired!

Run With It

What am I searching for

Here on the computer

Answers?

Ambiguity

Search my dreams

They reveal the truth

Accusations

Fears

Loneliness

Run with it

My Little One's Grow Up Too Soon

Time, every single day that passes takes and brings something to my life. My little girl is not longer acting babyish... not much anyway. I miss my little darling. I want her back.

I'm so angry!!

I'm not away from home out of some selfish desire to keep up with the neighbors. I'm working to try to help/support my family.

My children are growing up without me.

But I don't know what else to do, I can't stop working. :(

A poem to my children:

Sweet little spirits

My Angels

I hold you so dear

Sing you lullabys

We sing songs together

I hold you and you cling to me

My babies

Then you no longer cling

You no longer wish to sing

I carry you sleeping

and lay you to sleep

knowing that tomorrow

You will awaken

A child

A teen

An adult

Will you love me still

I always will

Family Reunion 2012

Our family reunion...

Every year we go up to Ophir this once booming mining town, now ghost town/vacation spot... my parents have been bringing me up since I was a little girl.

It used to be that my grandparents & parents would plan things, Grandma & my Mom would interface with the family and pack up the motor home. Grandpa and my Dad would get the motor home tuned up, water the yard, and do other miscellaneous tasks. Then we would all pack into the motor home and ride up to the reunion together.

On the way my grandma would keep us entertained by asking us to count sheep, horses, cows, etc... plus she would play games with us and tell us stories. My Mom or Dad would drive a secondary vehicle and we would get up to the reunion without too much fuss or problems.

The planning genes have fizzled away...

After my Grandparents passed on my parents made a good effort. They started fixing up the motor home which needed to be renovated and we got a couple of years use out of it... and now it sits idly on the back patio along with a camping trailer that we also used once upon a time.

This year the only trailer available was my little utility trailer. I bought it for $300 dollars from a guy who was selling it on the side of the road. I was planning on fixing it up a bit since the construction of it wasn't completely sound but I've never had time to get around to doing any thing with it.

So Thursday night my Dad came and got the trailer, he said he needed to check out the lights the next day to see if they were working. I got the kids to pack their things and let them sleep over at Grandmas house.

Friday I got off work and ran over to Lub Docs to get the oil changed in my Yukon. I had packed before work but had forgotten some things so ran home to get them. I took a shower because it was hot (and the Yukon has neither the capability of heat in the winter nor air conditioning in the Summer) and packed some more. Then I went to help out and got stuck with the 3 little girls of the family and Sione as traveling buddies.

No one had fed them dinner so I cut up some hunks of cheese and gave them some apples, cheese and water figuring that we would give them something to eat when we got up to the campground.

Then I took off, I had left my family in what I thought was a state of readiness so assumed they would be there before me.

When I got up there, at 10:00ish at night, I found that my family had not arrived. I let the kids play around for a bit and then decided to go down the mountain to see if I could get a signal on my phone. It kept giving me a message that it was "Roaming" and wouldn't call out so I took off to Tooele to get some food for the kids. Unfortunately one of the little girls, Arisa, needs gluten free food so I had to go to the only open grocery store in town, Wal-Mart, to search for something suitable. That was much the oxymoron, suitable food at Wal-Mart.

The girls were on a night time, up to late, naughty streak and kept running around the store grabbing things and generally getting in peoples way. My son Sione got sick of it and started complaining about the little girls. We finally found some cheese and lunch meats (that weren't toooo bad) and some grapes as well. I bought the food and told the girls to go wash up in the bathroom and washed up the grapes as best I could by squirting water on them from the water fountain. I went into the bathroom to find my daughter had climbed up on top of the bathroom stalls. I got her down and spanked her, then made her clean her hands again.

Finally my mom got a hold of me by calling from the satellite phone in the car. They had finally made it to camp, delayed because the lights on my trailer had been messed up and my Dad had a hard time getting them to work.

It was about 12:30 AM when I got back to camp and helped to unpack. My Dad kept shushing us and making occasional comments about how we were like Gypsies. Things finally got set up, I got my kids to bed and then washed up in the little wash house on the property. I ended up sleeping on a flat air-mattress sandwiched between my moms blown up air mattress on one side and my daughter on the other. Sione was right next to her and both Sione and Roxie were snoring like chainsaws. The ground was rocky, I was sore all over... but I lived.

Last night wasn't quite so bad... but I'm still very tired from hustling this morning to break camp. My Dad was off chatting things up until the last minute and then came and complained that we weren't taking down the tents... we were not happy with that... :(

I am frustrated with my family. I'm frustrated.

My mom is getting a lot more feeble than she will admit to and I'm worried about the fact that the only trailer we had available was my little bitty thing. Ironically it has come apart in some places on top and needed a quick patch job with some sheet metal.

I am VERY grateful to have been hired on full time with Adobe. I will finally have benefits, I can finally join a gym (Adobe will pay for it) and I will be able to see a doctor about my right shoulder, it's been aching for quite some time now.

I wish that I could buy a nice camping trailer but I plan on saving as much as possible for my own security.

Otherwise I had a nice time at the reunion. I relaxed in the tent yesterday until late and ate the wholesome foods that I brought up which has allowed me to keep a clear head.

The boys went on a hike and brought back some milk crystal and we had a nice discussion about the mines around the area.

We also had a good discussion about what I've learned about investing and finance, though I'm probably the only one who's going to benefit from my research.

It was overall a good time to bond with my family.

Next year I will at least have the ability to ask for the day off on the Friday before the reunion. Hopefully we will all be a lot better situated as well...

I'm tired... off to wash off the campiness.

A Woman

Wordless glances

Deep connection

Understanding

My hand should be grasped

Silent communication received

Burden me not

I am meant to be held

Cherished

The beat of your heart

A gem so immeasurable

A part of your soul

Safe

Untarnished

No common place thing

A woman

............................................

Tonight

This morning during my sleepy contemplations I was thinking about my lovely little girl. Tonight, I plan on making dinner and then pulling out the buckets in the hallway (that are way up high) with the kids toys and sitting in the living room with her to play.

I plan on walking down the trail to feed the ducks, sticking my feet into the shivering water and holding my little princesses hand as she does so as well...

Life went, from blurry yesterdays to lonely and silent today's in a blink. Yesterday Angie was just coming out of Headstart, I was rushing to take a picture of Sione in his blessing clothes before he grew out of them on a hot and busy day. Yesterday, I was jumping out the window with my kids into the swimming pool in the back... I was still a kid.

I studied hard, read and re-read the textbooks of my collegiate days while my children played at my feet and asked for sandwiches and hugs. Yesterday I cried because they were growing, I carried them and cuddled them, and cried.

I've always been working towards some indefinable goal of freedom, some tangible relief from struggling for a moment to spend with my kids. To spend as myself.

Tonight, I'm going to play. I'm going to sing nursery rhymes and hold hands with my daughter and fall down in laughter with her. Tonight.

Weekend Blues

For some reason weekends can be quite draining on me. I don't have much enthusiasm for facing a day of coaxing the kids into some cooperation in cleaning the house, chauffeuring them around to grandmas house, work, and other activities.... and then basically spending the day alone. That should be a luxury, it's not.

I feel sad that I get so sad.

Today turned out alright though, I got my Honda back from the shop (it has been broken since last October, brought to the shop a few weeks ago and then to the Honda dealer because there was some mysterious something that wouldn't let it run for more than 5 min.).

Plus, I made ice-cream with the kids. They were super enthusiastic! Each of them helped to add ingredients to the batter, each got a turn stirring it, then each took their turn cranking the handle. :)

We had a blast!

I bought raw milk, premium vanilla flecks and Stevia to sweeten w/o the use of sugar. :)

It turned out OK, a bit too soft because we got a bit impatient... but it's in the freezer now (whats left that is).

I'm sad still. I don't know why.

Bit of a poem from somewhere...

"One cannot love truly without truly loving the words of ones lover."

Roxies Giraffe - Adorable

This is her first effort:

Finished Giraffe!!! :)   (and fish...)   ;)

Lackluster reality

My daughter asked me why all I talk to her about is health. Why? Well, it's the only thing so far that I've found that I can figure out. It's a simple matter of research and then trying it out. Sometimes what I learn works sometimes it doesn't.

I care about her and don't want her to suffer the same way that I have.

Life is otherwise very complicated, a lot of it depends upon circumstance and other people's decisions. I'm miserable here... I'm suffering from a lack of companionship. I put out this promise to marry someone who is on the other side of the world. It's not as though I don't love him, I do, but romance and chemistry cannot be carried out through phone conversations. This reality is a lot different from what I had imagined it to be.

Growing

Oh joy, I printed out Dr. Mercolas E-Books. After the first million pages I really should have turned off the printer.

Today is a big day. I'm interviewing for a position in the Adobe A/R department. I'm feeling confident, I can do the work it's right up my ally, my favorite type of work though is what I'm doing right now... process organization.

We shall see what happens... ;)

The Haves have not to fear

"Great civilizations collapse when the difference between the 'Haves' and the 'Have Nots' is too great."

"A Humans life is a struggle between ignorance and illumination"

"It's ignorance about money that causes so much greed and so much fear

-A doctor wanting more money to better care for his family raises his fees, which makes the poor people struggle because they don't have access to health care "poor people have worse health than those with more money," because the doctors raise their rates the attorney's raise their rates, because the attorneys rates have gone up school teachers want a raise, which raises our taxes and on and on and on. Soon there will be such a horrifying gap between the rich and the poor that chaos will break out and another great civilization will collapse. Great civilizations collapsed when the difference between the 'Haves' and the 'Have Nots' was too great. America is on the same course proving that history repeats itself because we don't learn from history, we only memorize historical dates and names, not the lesson. 'Aren't prices supposed to go up?' 'Not in an educated society with a well run government.' Prices should actually come down. Of course that's often only true in theory. Prices go up because of greed and fear caused by ignorance. If schools taught people about money, there would be more money and lower prices. But schools only focus on teaching people to work for money. Not how to harness moneys power.

~Robert Kiyosaki

Roxies Graduation

Communication

I feel out of step sometimes. When everyone is jumping on board to do this or that activity I'm doing something else.

It's hard to convey how awkward I feel at times. I get so focused on the details that it is hard for me to relinquish what I'm doing to go do something else.

I try to convey a good impression when I talk to other people. A lot of times I beat myself up afterwords because I'm unsure that I said the right thing or if I acted the right way.

Tonight a colleague stopped by my cubicle to tell me about a job offer. They are hiring "Order Management" clerks, basically an A/R position, entry level. He had noticed that I have a Bachelors Degree in accounting which is what they require. Well... I had been told of a similar opening before by a guy on my team. I know what it is that is holding me back from accepting this type of work... growth. Basically the position I am in is allowing me to grow a process, something that I enjoy a lot more then simple accounting rote work. Plus I stay late in this position because I get to work late in the day, and I'm very passionate about what I'm doing. I'm scarred of getting into a different position where I am not in control of my schedule.

There are other reasons I'm resisting applying for a different position but they are hard to explain, even to myself.

The conversation went something like this. OM Manager "Hey I noticed that you have a Bachelors Degree in Accounting, did you know that we are looking for someone in order management?"  Me "I thought they had filled that position, I didn't know there was another opening." Wendell "Yeah, I just interviewed someone that I didn't like, I'm not promising anything but you should apply." Me "What does someone in Order Management do?" Wendell "they help determine if the customers billing is correct, reconcile differences and help with monthly reconciliation (something like that, I can't remember exactly what he said)." Me: "Are there any opportunities for advancement? I guess so because Mario just moved up." Wendell "yeah, I had another guy working for me for a year and then he moved up, this is an entry level position." Me: "ah, well one thing that I really like about my job right now is that I'm helping to develop the process. I know that Adobe has been challenged with this problem for quite some time now and I really feel that were close to coming up with a good solution (something to that extent)." Wendell: "well think about it, the job is listed online. It's not a job title that you see very often, though you see it more in California. Apply if you'd like (something like that...)

Sooooo I think the conversation went well, I feel anxious though that I came across sort of condescending because I was all like, "eh I don't want your job I like what I'm doing...." Should I care? Am I off base here?

I guess I really need to look it up, I couldn't get it to pull up earlier.

Another realization, I don't write much at all about what my kids are up to. K  is starting a job at 7-Peaks tomorrow. They are all out for the summer. I need to buy them all "Passes of all passes..." the 7-Peaks dealio... Edgemont students get a discount.

R had a graduation from Headstart last week. I've got pictures I need to post them.

S successfully graduated from the Fourth to the Fifth grade, he's growing up... going to be a teenager soon... :( I get a rather odd feeling about my kids getting so grown up... makes me frustrated that I can't and haven't spent much time with them and that I haven't taught them much. (Yes I know I'm a good Mom, but I'm split up into Mom and Dad and that's just not enough but as much as I can give...)

I'm reading a book called "Deep Nutrition" it's profound... so deep... ;)

Basically it was the last push I needed to convince me that eggs, pastured pork, whole raw milk, butter, grass fed beef... basically stuff that I grew up thinking was bad for me are really the only types of food that are good for me. Let me tell you, eating sausage guilt free every day (almost) is heavenly. :)

I wish I knew if my position was going to be permanent. My manager alluded to wanting to give me good tips and skills "even though I can't offer a permanent position." Which is contrary to her alluding to hiring me full time with a team of two here in Orem and sending me to India to train a team over there. Perhaps my blundering ways during my meeting presentations is causing her to rethink the idea. It seems I always get shortchanged because of skills I am working on but not quite able to carry out yet.... I'm good in other ways, many, many other ways. It's not being able to communicate effectively that is killing me. I hate it when I fall short.... :(

I'll put up some pictures tomorrow. I think I've broken through a bit of that communication barrier that's holding me down...

~Annie

Thoughts on My Best Efforts

I've observed that when people come under stress that they will often look for others to blame. I believe it is a self ego defense mechanism. Placing blame however deflects from the root cause of the stress, which to me is the fact that we live in a state of uncertainty. A lot of that uncertainty stems from the choices that other people make, willingly or ignorantly.

A part of my character is a tendency to want to see the whole before focusing on the minute details, I love "Where's Waldo" books for that reason. With each new scenario open before you is a large colorful cacophony of chaos. Waldo can be placed anywhere among the chaos, hiding among the pyramids of Egypt, or on a busy street, waiting to be found. For me the satisfaction of the game is being able to tame the chaos, section it off in my mind, focus on the details (glasses, hat and shirt) and the thrill of finally finding Waldo.

I want to see the whole. If someone tells me to find Waldo in 5 minutes I panic, the fun becomes stress. That is basically the situation at work.

I know that I will be able to make things neat, understand what needs to be done to improve things, get the work done. Other people have set expectations however that we should have these company hierarchies done, NOW. I chafe at that attitude. Yet I realize that it is the corporate attitude. They want to be able to set up something (or have it set up) to where they can press a button and it will run through at a set speed until it's finished, measurable, reliable, accurate. At the end of the day, I am putting in my best.

Putting in my best, for who?

At some point I want my best to be directed to my good. My good, my goals, my dreams.

More thoughts on this later... it's getting late.

Weird Stuff

WOW things have been weird for me lately or have they been the same? More of the same I guess.

Sam has been in Hawaii for the past 2 Months. He visited this weekend, the same weekend my Mom planned a family trip to Lagoon.

Since he was only going to be here for the weekend (and thus would miss out on having time with the kids) I suggested he join us.

Everything went alright, he took charge of keeping Sione entertained. I helped my parents with the little girls (my daughter and my brothers daughters, all around the same age).

The next day, he decided to bring the kids up to Bridal Vale Falls to ride their bikes. After trying to figure out the new bike rack that I bought for my Honda (which doesn't fit the Yukon) and then searching for bike racks on Craig's List to fit the Yukon (because I refused to let him try forcing my rack to the Yukon) I finally convinced him to use the trailer that I bought for $300 dollars that was already sitting out side. I came along because I needed to get out of the house and on the way up he yelled at Sione for crying and told him "only fagots cry like that." I told Sam to apologize because that was uncalled for.

Later on I asked him to help me cut up some beef bones to make some good stock from. I was also helping him with his bankruptcy paperwork. My fiance called me and when I hung up with him Sam told me that he didn't think I was still talking to Ajey. He then asked me if things were going to work out. I was a bit taken aback but not too surprised that he was asking me these questions. 1 because Ajey isn't here yet and 2 because Sam is always trying to push the limits with me. He then told me that his friends keep telling him that he needs to move on and that he doesn't think the kids would be happy because he wouldn't be able to be the same with them anymore. That he wouldn't send money for their needs like he does now and wouldn't be able to spend time with them. More or less in those words.

Then he showed me a picture of some girl who wants to marry him. She's a teacher and has a son and apparently Sam's exactly what she's been looking for. I rolled my eyes at this.

On the way to pick up the kids from my moms house he brought the topic up again, told me that he regrets all the stupid stuff that he did, starting from our honeymoon. He was talking about the financial needs of the kids, how Koli is going on a mission in a few years and then Angie. He brought up that he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want another financial burden. I asked him if the girl who wanted to marry him knew about the things that he's done. He said "No, but she can check the internet. I told her there's stuff in my past, but she said she doesn't care about the past."

Stupid

Girls are so stupid, when guys say there is stuff in my past a lot of times it's really, really bad stuff.

I just got out of the car and went in the house (my Dad had brought the kids home so we had turned around and gone home during this discussion).

The next day I dropped Sam off at the airport. On the way up there he had this backwards conversation with a friend of his cousin. "You're my sister, yeah. Hone (his cousin) is my sister so now you're my sister because your her friend and friends don't date their brothers."

Another chance to point out that he has girls who want to date him.

Well I'm thrilled for him right? Actually more scared that he's going to marry some other girl and will ruin her life. Plus somehow, somehow his mess could come in to my life and effect it.

Lesson learned for me (again) the less I talk to Sam the better.

Second weird thing, long distance relationships. Enough said.

Well, I'm done at work. Just wanted to blog a bit.

~Annie

Scarlet Pimpernel

I've only heard bits and pieces about the Scarlet Pimpernel, my friend Sorina says it's her favorite play. Here are a coupld of the songs she mentioned to me along with a Wiki link about the work.

Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scarlet_Pimpernel

Where's the Girl
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNVZkYyyoCU

Falcon in the Dive
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbY_RMGwEzQ

Becoming Stronger

Yesterday was really hard for me. I have a blog but don't really write here much of what happens in my life, fear of judgement perhaps, protection for those I love as well...

After I had "broken up with," Sam, and before the divorce was final I met two guys. One online AP,  and one that I worked with DZ.

The divorce was a foregone thing, the holdup in getting it finalized was getting Sam to actually sign the papers. However meeting two guys, who I was really fond of and who were very fond of me, and trying to recover from a divorce was brutal on me.

I was terribly mixed up, stressed out and hurt those who loved me and myself. That's why I have been so silent within the blogging world.

I've never really "dated" anyone. It seems that my relationships go from "Hi, you're pretty" to "let's get married," before I know what's what. However I have loved, and I love deeply. I was married to Sam or 14 years and I loved him every day and hurt all the time. It wasn't a simple thing, loving him. He hurt me through ignorance quite often, he simply didn't know how to love me right, love = sex to him, that is not how I work. He hurt me through anger, anger that would build up and then explode with outbursts and irrational edicts for the kids. He also hurt me through hurting my kids, hitting and beating on K, sometimes smacking A and K hands with a belt. A was hurt indirectly through him beating on K and through Sams attempted molestation. How badly she was hurt I can only try to comprehend. The very thought of what has happened to my kids makes me scream at times.

So it's hard for me to simply move forward, even if I love someone.

AP has taken a lot of flack from me, a lot of pain. He still loves me, I'm grateful for that.

AP is easier for me to understand, when I'm actually with him. We get distant with the distance. But when I'm with him I'm reminded me of how I used to be when I was younger, spontaneous, ridiculous and happy. He's not here yet, but I hope that our relationship will continue to develop in the same way when he comes.

DZ, and I have a lot in common. Similar pain points while growing up, similar interests and inclinations, rock hunting, mountains, nature, books... however disparate in our sense of humor and too similar at finding fault with ourselves. I hate how much I hurt him, I didn't want to. There where some things that I didn't like in him that I would have found really hard to leave alone... Love should and is about loving someone in spite of the little things that bother and irritate. The relationship wasn't good for me, nor do I believe that it was good for DZ.

That's why yesterday was hard for me. I was hurting over a song DZ had sent me through a blog post comment, I felt blamed, and I felt bad. I went to talk to him, the first time I've seen him in quite some time. He's got a girlfriend now, she appreciates his jokes, she is very pretty... she seems to have taken the edge off of his pain. I feel better now, he really meant to say to me that things will be alright. I will take that explanation.

I have hope that with AP, I will find happiness. I smile when I think of the time we've spent together, how he will go off on silly tangents (pretending to be the Pink Panther). He thinks of ways that we're going to teach the kids correct things in life, good habits. He is a really good, really spiritual guy. I love him very much, he makes me want to be a better person. :)

As for myself, I'm on a journey to become the person that I've always wanted to be. I'm going to keep going...

From Les Mes!

Learn this: joy is not only joyous; it is great.

But be in love gayly then, what the deuce! Marry, when you marry, with fever and giddiness, and tumult, and the uproar of happiness! Be grave in church, well and good.

But, as soon as the mass is finished, sarpejou! you must make a dream whirl around the bride. A marriage should be royal and chimerical; it should promenade its ceremony from the cathedral of Rheims to the pagoda of Chanteloup.

I have a horror of a paltry wedding. Ventregoulette! be in Olympus for that one day, at least. Be one of the gods.

My friends, every recently made bridegroom ought to be Prince Aldobrandini. Profit by that unique minute in life to soar away to the empyrean with the swans and the eagles, even if you do have to fall back on the morrow into the bourgeoisie of the frogs.

Don't economize on the nuptials, do not prune them of their splendors; don't scrimp on the day when you beam. The wedding is not the housekeeping. Oh! If I were to carry out my fancy, it would be gallant; violins would be heard under the trees.

Here is my programme: sky−blue and silver. I would mingle with the festival the rural divinities; I would convoke the Dryads and the Nereids. The nuptials of Amphitrite, a rosy cloud, nymphs with well dressed locks and entirely naked, an Academician offering quatrains to the goddess, a chariot drawn by marine monsters.

"Triton trottait devant, et tirait de sa conque Des sons si ravissants qu'il ravissait quiconque!"[65]

−−there's a festive programme, there's a good one, or else I know nothing of such matters, deuce take it!"

[65]

"Triton trotted on before, and drew from his conch−shell sounds so ravishing that he delighted

everyone!" 

The night of the 16th to the 17th of February, 1833, was a blessed night. Above its shadows heaven stood open. It was the wedding night of Marius and Cosette.

The day had been adorable.

It had not been the grand festival dreamed by the grandfather, a fairy spectacle, with a confusion of cherubim and Cupids over the heads of the bridal pair, a marriage worthy to form the subject of a painting to be placed over a door; but it had been sweet and smiling.