Hopeless Hopes

I'm always a bit intimidated by the top of this blog screen, so open for interpretation, blank. Sometimes I feel that my mind is like that, devoid of meaningful thought. I guess that I just don't know what to want out of this life. I wanted a house with a yard, a little garden, perhaps a stream, I wanted an "eternal family", I wanted a priesthood holder. I thought these are the things that will bring happiness, church and family. I am stuck in a kind of miasma, I had to go look up that word to see if it fit... I guess it sort of does "bad air causing disease... or a specious cause of chronic disease." Well if not thriving in these conditions then yes, I suppose the word does fit. I suppose part of the problem is that I've hoped for too much, I've felt that if I worked hard enough then I could have what I wanted. I felt that my asks were small, yet now it seems as if I asked too much.

SG

To the person who I call a friend...

To the undeniable, undefinable person who is my friend.

I know that I abandoned you, tried to maintain some tentative connection only to cut that off because it's too hard for me to try and explain why I wanted to keep in touch.

I'm trying to gather up the pieces of my integrity that I've broken off by making compromises.

How can I on the one hand say that I feel no guilt about staying in touch with you and yet on the other hand say that I have nothing to feel guilty about, when I am asked.

I'm trying to prove that I am not the one hiding things in my relationship. That I've been open and honest (and I have been) telling all... but not sure of what that means.

Every single day I feel the support that you gave me, it's hard not to compare your friendship with others.

I think that I will still recall all that you've done for me when I am old and grey. Or if I am alone again despite trying as hard as I can... because relationships are hard and things don't always work out.

Don't think I will ever forget you... my undeniable, undefinable friend.

SG

Inspiration from the poem "Failing and Flying" By Jack Gilbert

Icarus

Soared upon wax wings
towards immortality,
towards the sun.

Wings dripping away
he fell

The implication is of his foolishness
and yet he flew.

Inspiration from the poem "Failing and Flying" By Jack Gilbert

"Do you have the courage to bring forth this work, the treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you will say yes." ~Jack Gilbert related by Elizabeth Gilbert