I've been in Australia for the past week. It feels in some ways like an infusion of new thought, vacations are chances to let go of every day concerns, chances to allow thoughts that are normally in the back of the mind to surface. It's been raining for most of the trip, but Ajey and I have made the most of the time laughing about rediculous things making a "Mockumentary," taking walks, meeting up with friends. We went to play dominoes at some friends house the other night, Heather and Lee. Heather has a great sense of humor, she laughed and teased Lee, pretended to be obsessed with winning... somehow that laughter got into me and the next day I burst out laughing simply recalling something funny that had been said. That was a piece of me that has been missing for many years. I feel sort of like I'm gathering myself up from a puzzle that was scattered all over the world. We also had a chance to meet up with a therapist, this man was brilliant, spot on in the answers he gave to my questions. I really need to find someone like that back home. Why is it though that so many people are lost and confused, hurt or hurtful? Why is it that so much of life is not enjoyed but pushed to the corner of our world until it becomes a point of pressure that builds up until you feel like bursting. TIME goodness if only the things that we do to keep our lives running like working and studying could be condensed... or somehow more fully integrated into our lives so that we are aware of what we are doing each moment, not just turning in our time cards to no one in particular. If only we could simply live a bit more. I see the whys of things, I see that we can't spend all of our time studying, working, relaxing, singing, too much of any one thing creates too little time for anything else. Then how are we to live? Impediments are fatigue, fear, doubt I believe them to be the main impediments. Then we need to be rid of these impediments. For me I get sick/have a reaction to certain foods/spices and that really blocks my ability to enjoy my life, the biggest reaction is a bad headache, plus ringing in the ears, fatigue. It's hard to pin point which food triggers the reactions though, today it all began with cinnamon. It really puts a cramp in life though when you have to give people a list a quarter mile long of things you can't have... actually I think I will do that, make a list, get it laminated, translate it into several languages, make it simpler... I learned from the therapist that to state the truth is the ultimate in importance in relationships, then others can think about what you say, and decide what emotions and behavior they will show. I'm going to think about that on the plane ride home, it's going to be a long one, I'm leaving tomorrow morning. As for now I'm off for some rest. Goodnight
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Just Trying, That's All
This Thanksgiving turned out "OK." It seemed that none of us had a whole lot of enthusiasm for it this year. I've been working a bunch of extra hours, well technically not working per say, I've been trying to finish up a bunch of Microsoft Office training modules that I signed up for earlier this year through my Alma Mater UVU, they have a woman's resource center called "Turning Point" which paid for the course, the caveat was that I finish the training modules before the end of the year.
I signed up for them because I wasn't finding any work, but ironically I found a job about a month after signing up and I was never able to put the time into finishing them up (they take about 177 hours).
I have been able to finish up the Excel sessions, and I found my notes on Access, all except the first session that is. I will need to review the Access sessions because I completed them several months ago.
I will be so relieved to get them done...
It feels like my life has been one big push to put things into order, to just get to a point where I am able to live. I put so much time into school, every day that I was in school was a push, while having my babies and having my miscarriages all jammed into tests and lectures and cleaning on the weekends.
Since I've been divorced every day has been about pulling together my world, trying to become relevant in the workplace. Trying to become relevant to my children. I'm afraid to face them sometimes, too many things that I can't do for them. So much that I'm trying to do... I know I do a lot but Mom's always tend to feel there should be more that they can do.
All of this, and the overriding feeling at night is that I want to be held. Sitting at work I just want to go home and be held... just held. How stupid this longing has made me, how stupid I've acted trying to fill the ache inside.
I signed up for them because I wasn't finding any work, but ironically I found a job about a month after signing up and I was never able to put the time into finishing them up (they take about 177 hours).
I have been able to finish up the Excel sessions, and I found my notes on Access, all except the first session that is. I will need to review the Access sessions because I completed them several months ago.
I will be so relieved to get them done...
It feels like my life has been one big push to put things into order, to just get to a point where I am able to live. I put so much time into school, every day that I was in school was a push, while having my babies and having my miscarriages all jammed into tests and lectures and cleaning on the weekends.
Since I've been divorced every day has been about pulling together my world, trying to become relevant in the workplace. Trying to become relevant to my children. I'm afraid to face them sometimes, too many things that I can't do for them. So much that I'm trying to do... I know I do a lot but Mom's always tend to feel there should be more that they can do.
All of this, and the overriding feeling at night is that I want to be held. Sitting at work I just want to go home and be held... just held. How stupid this longing has made me, how stupid I've acted trying to fill the ache inside.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Bluegrass
I feel like building a "Bluegrass" Playlist... :)
I'm listening to Pandora and building it as I come across new songs and artists.
Take a listen...
I'm listening to Pandora and building it as I come across new songs and artists.
Take a listen...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Lately I've run through a whole heap of issues that I never foresaw as possibilities in my realm of possible situations that I might enter into.
The difficult marriage, that's understandable, people have difficult marriages all the time. I knew the procedure there, at least I thought I did. You try to make things work, try to talk to your spouse about the important issues, try to bring up the kids right. However I found myself running into a whole lot of impotency in my ability to bring things around to what I thought the right thing and way to be was. I had a clear vision, it's the vision promulgated through the media, through my church, through cultural beliefs, for a time it looked as though the realization of those ideals was within my grasp. It was right there, right there on the edge of the next step, and then a series of unthinkable events smashed it to pieces.
Still, I felt like I had tried. I made mistakes, one of the biggest being that I got desperate and looked to someone else to take me away from my marriage before I resolved my problems. It was absolutely clear that I couldn't make the marriage work, and yet not forcing myself through the crucible of relying solely on deep spiritual guidance cut me off from intuitive lessons that I needed to learn. Part of me is dying, hiding in the corner of well intended help. I believe it is a piece of my integrity, I don't feel whole.
So absolutely my marriage had to end. I knew this, I knew it 10 years before I reached the turning point. I sat outside of my tiny apartment, diary in hand and wrote it down. I could look down that tunnel and see the point that I was headed towards, but I also knew that I had to travel that road, that if I didn't put all of the effort that I could into making my marriage work that I wouldn't respect myself. I wanted to run, at some level I didn't want to face it, but I pulled from that deep spiritual well and resolved to move forward.
Now at this point, I am in a conundrum. For the past three years I have been rather confused and disconnected from my true being. This because I stopped listening to that well of intuition that I drew upon in the past. Why? Because I have been trying to avoid hurting people that I care about. Pouring so much into trying to establish a life that has been hard for me to grasp, because it's out of reach and so far out of the realm of possibilities that I've settled into this uneasy life. Not able to say for sure about one thing or the other because I don't feel the way that I should while trying to establish this new life. All this vagueness... I'm not happy with this. I should have sorted out things on my own before trying to sort it out with someone else. That's why my blogging has been rather silent, I have simply not wanted to share how I'm really feeling because how I'm really feeling is dead inside. A lot of admiration and respect, care and concern, love... is there for those I'm trying not to hurt... but a lot of uncertainty about relationships in general still lingers and I would really just like to be on my own, if only that wouldn't hurt others so much... yes I know you're going to say I should just do what makes me happy, well it's not hurting others that's for certain, and that's the unforeseen reality that I'm facing... I really hate it.
I've been hiding away from hurt for a long time. One of the reasons why I didn't break off my marriage is that I didn't want to be to blame for the divorce. He cheated on me from the beginning and I thought that I could forgive him and move forward, but the trust never came back, he continually did things that broke my heart and I couldn't trust him. So part of me was looking for the final straw, the last thing that I would allow him to do before I broke it off, and I allowed so much! That was an unhealthy situation though, I should have broke it off simply because it wasn't working, I had tried so much and was still not able to trust him and I was hurting. But I stayed and stayed, too afraid to face what life would have looked like without someone to provide, and I uneducated (as of yet) and part of the staying was so that I could get an education, in some ways that was dishonest, in some ways I was giving him time to change...
I used to love so simply, I was so devoted (infatuated) with those little boyfriends that I had when I was younger. I never had a chance to develop a relationship with Sam, I made the decision to put myself in a compromising situation and from then on continued on that path.
Right now I'm developing a relationship with Ajey, but it's so strange. Usually when you date someone you see each other, there is attraction... the other half of the coin is not there. I'm uncomfortable with the way the relationship has been established. I felt a strong impression from that deep intuitive spirit that I should not pursue a relationship with him and when I tried to break it off I was unable to do so, my words were impotent, his pain over-rode the truths that I was speaking. Part of the reason I didn't want to be with him was that he wasn't a member of the church, he couldn't understand where I was coming from, I didn't want that in a relationship or for my kids.
The difficult marriage, that's understandable, people have difficult marriages all the time. I knew the procedure there, at least I thought I did. You try to make things work, try to talk to your spouse about the important issues, try to bring up the kids right. However I found myself running into a whole lot of impotency in my ability to bring things around to what I thought the right thing and way to be was. I had a clear vision, it's the vision promulgated through the media, through my church, through cultural beliefs, for a time it looked as though the realization of those ideals was within my grasp. It was right there, right there on the edge of the next step, and then a series of unthinkable events smashed it to pieces.
Still, I felt like I had tried. I made mistakes, one of the biggest being that I got desperate and looked to someone else to take me away from my marriage before I resolved my problems. It was absolutely clear that I couldn't make the marriage work, and yet not forcing myself through the crucible of relying solely on deep spiritual guidance cut me off from intuitive lessons that I needed to learn. Part of me is dying, hiding in the corner of well intended help. I believe it is a piece of my integrity, I don't feel whole.
So absolutely my marriage had to end. I knew this, I knew it 10 years before I reached the turning point. I sat outside of my tiny apartment, diary in hand and wrote it down. I could look down that tunnel and see the point that I was headed towards, but I also knew that I had to travel that road, that if I didn't put all of the effort that I could into making my marriage work that I wouldn't respect myself. I wanted to run, at some level I didn't want to face it, but I pulled from that deep spiritual well and resolved to move forward.
Now at this point, I am in a conundrum. For the past three years I have been rather confused and disconnected from my true being. This because I stopped listening to that well of intuition that I drew upon in the past. Why? Because I have been trying to avoid hurting people that I care about. Pouring so much into trying to establish a life that has been hard for me to grasp, because it's out of reach and so far out of the realm of possibilities that I've settled into this uneasy life. Not able to say for sure about one thing or the other because I don't feel the way that I should while trying to establish this new life. All this vagueness... I'm not happy with this. I should have sorted out things on my own before trying to sort it out with someone else. That's why my blogging has been rather silent, I have simply not wanted to share how I'm really feeling because how I'm really feeling is dead inside. A lot of admiration and respect, care and concern, love... is there for those I'm trying not to hurt... but a lot of uncertainty about relationships in general still lingers and I would really just like to be on my own, if only that wouldn't hurt others so much... yes I know you're going to say I should just do what makes me happy, well it's not hurting others that's for certain, and that's the unforeseen reality that I'm facing... I really hate it.
I've been hiding away from hurt for a long time. One of the reasons why I didn't break off my marriage is that I didn't want to be to blame for the divorce. He cheated on me from the beginning and I thought that I could forgive him and move forward, but the trust never came back, he continually did things that broke my heart and I couldn't trust him. So part of me was looking for the final straw, the last thing that I would allow him to do before I broke it off, and I allowed so much! That was an unhealthy situation though, I should have broke it off simply because it wasn't working, I had tried so much and was still not able to trust him and I was hurting. But I stayed and stayed, too afraid to face what life would have looked like without someone to provide, and I uneducated (as of yet) and part of the staying was so that I could get an education, in some ways that was dishonest, in some ways I was giving him time to change...
I used to love so simply, I was so devoted (infatuated) with those little boyfriends that I had when I was younger. I never had a chance to develop a relationship with Sam, I made the decision to put myself in a compromising situation and from then on continued on that path.
Right now I'm developing a relationship with Ajey, but it's so strange. Usually when you date someone you see each other, there is attraction... the other half of the coin is not there. I'm uncomfortable with the way the relationship has been established. I felt a strong impression from that deep intuitive spirit that I should not pursue a relationship with him and when I tried to break it off I was unable to do so, my words were impotent, his pain over-rode the truths that I was speaking. Part of the reason I didn't want to be with him was that he wasn't a member of the church, he couldn't understand where I was coming from, I didn't want that in a relationship or for my kids.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
A few thoughts on the human condition
Sometimes I wonder about the human condition, why some people have so much and some so little. I used to explain things to myself (as a sort of crutch) that perhaps people who are beautiful and rich are not really so happy as they seem, that they to have hidden difficulties and sadness's. But do the rich and the poor really have the same understanding about life? Do they go through the same trials?
No
and yes.
If you have no concern for money do you have a true understanding of frugality? Frugality in a sense is the careful stewardship of your resources in order that you might be able to obtain the things that you need, or to save more for future expenses. The rich might, out of good habit, decide to buy only what they need, perhaps a bit more (to "treat" themselves) but when they need something they have the resources to draw on to buy it. They buy the best carpeting (the stuff that doesn't wear out in a couple of years), the best rated cars (which are fuel efficient and well built, thus saving money on both types of car expenses). Upper class folks buy better food and live in better neighborhoods. In fact I recall a documentary/60 min. piece about this subject the rich had less stress in many respects, lived longer (because of the better quality of their nutrition and access to health care), and had fewer children (who they helped to get an education, thus allowing the continuation of wealth).
Just a few thoughts
SG
No
and yes.
If you have no concern for money do you have a true understanding of frugality? Frugality in a sense is the careful stewardship of your resources in order that you might be able to obtain the things that you need, or to save more for future expenses. The rich might, out of good habit, decide to buy only what they need, perhaps a bit more (to "treat" themselves) but when they need something they have the resources to draw on to buy it. They buy the best carpeting (the stuff that doesn't wear out in a couple of years), the best rated cars (which are fuel efficient and well built, thus saving money on both types of car expenses). Upper class folks buy better food and live in better neighborhoods. In fact I recall a documentary/60 min. piece about this subject the rich had less stress in many respects, lived longer (because of the better quality of their nutrition and access to health care), and had fewer children (who they helped to get an education, thus allowing the continuation of wealth).
Just a few thoughts
SG
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Reticence
Sometimes the truth jumps out at you in unexpected moments and you're left breathless at the implication of it. What does it mean? That I am afraid to look somewhere else for the kind of love that I see quite plainly in the picture of my friend and his wife?
That I feel special being loved by someone but am having a hard time returning the feeling as he knows it?
That I can't live with the consequence of a half life, a half love if I never even try to bring true love to fruition? Can true love be born out of constant e-mail communication, through phone and association?
Does awkwardness indicate reticence, does it mean the love isn't there? Does comfort mean it exists? Does it matter if one person wants to love and care for the other if both are not equally matched? Are we not equally matched?
I've got to come to a conclusion soon, I can't go on and on for years and years, I will end up marrying just for the sake of my word, for the sake of living out the moment. Will I regret it later on?
Or is he simply the one for me? Am I over thinking this, making an issue where there shouldn't be an issue?
He is moving, functioning in his world, the world of Australia and he's comfortable with having an overseas girlfriend/fiance that he calls his wife.
He's in this relationship because he hasn't found someone like me over there, but in fact he's stated that he found girls similar to me at church over there. But he's staying true to me because he's loyal, or because he doesn't believe that he would have a chance with these other girls.
When I was with him I felt awkward walking next to him, he's too short for me, I felt awkward kissing him while standing up, again too short. His head is small and round, I find this odd. These are the things on the main that I don't like. As well, I don't like that he's childish in some ways, that he really reminds me of a kid... all men have some aspects of the child still left in them but the way that he's childish is awkward for me. Plus I don't like the way he talks babyish to me, it disturbs my sense of self. Plus the over dramatic way he answers my posts makes me cringe.
I don't like the way he buys me stuff that I don't like, the comic books that he sent creeped me out because they were about a white guy who was a complete idiot in the midst of Indian guy's, the obvious racial slurs bothered me.
I'm not happy that he talked me into being in a relationship with him, even though I told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. He did this through guilt inference, by making me feel guilty that I had told him at one point that I loved him, so therefore if I loved him then I should want to be in a relationship with him.
I'm feeling cornered, I'm feeling overwhelmed with his attention.
The mutual friendship that I have with him has been overshadowed by the hope that he has of an everlasting relationship. The mutual friendship and interests are what has kept me tied to him. Then I don't want to cause him pain. Plus all of the relatives that I have met, his family, he claims loves me and I am intrigued in some ways by the idea of going to India, meeting these people, being a part of an old ancestry with old traditions and a royal blood line. Intrigued about the mystery and power of his family. Fascinated by the friendships that he seems to command, the respect that he has in Puttar, his family's home and elsewhere in India.
I just realized something else, we all tend to comply with people that we feel obligated to. I kind of feel that perhaps Meaghan today didn't want a hug, but she's hurt and playing out a role of being hurt and when offered a hug she took it, though somewhat reluctantly and awkwardly. What this means for me is that I am playing out a role, I am being offered love and I have accepted help and support from Ajey and thus feel obligated to continue playing the role. Even though a part of me doesn't want to continue. The question is, is the part of me that doesn't want to continue bigger than the part that wants to keep going? What does this mean for me? I felt like this for years and years with Sam but could never break things off, I just couldn't and it tore me apart, it ate at my sanity, I felt stuck, obliged, drained. Not part of an ideal reality for me. Plus I am afraid of losing friendship, I am afraid of losing respect, I am afraid of hatred aimed towards me.
That's why I kept trying to appease Gabriel, I didn't want him to hate me. But I wanted him to back down, I wanted time and he wouldn't give it to me. I was so deeply emotional with him. He hit all the right notes at the right time. I felt so much romance in that relationship. The feelings I felt there overshadow what I feel with Ajey, though with Ajey I felt a brilliant sense of enlightenment, of love, and a blush. Those were under false assumptions though, I wouldn't have felt the same if I would have met him in person at the time.
Gabriel is a dangerous man, is it only for me? I'm not sure but the attraction is enormous. Like a moth to the flame.
That I feel special being loved by someone but am having a hard time returning the feeling as he knows it?
That I can't live with the consequence of a half life, a half love if I never even try to bring true love to fruition? Can true love be born out of constant e-mail communication, through phone and association?
Does awkwardness indicate reticence, does it mean the love isn't there? Does comfort mean it exists? Does it matter if one person wants to love and care for the other if both are not equally matched? Are we not equally matched?
I've got to come to a conclusion soon, I can't go on and on for years and years, I will end up marrying just for the sake of my word, for the sake of living out the moment. Will I regret it later on?
Or is he simply the one for me? Am I over thinking this, making an issue where there shouldn't be an issue?
He is moving, functioning in his world, the world of Australia and he's comfortable with having an overseas girlfriend/fiance that he calls his wife.
He's in this relationship because he hasn't found someone like me over there, but in fact he's stated that he found girls similar to me at church over there. But he's staying true to me because he's loyal, or because he doesn't believe that he would have a chance with these other girls.
When I was with him I felt awkward walking next to him, he's too short for me, I felt awkward kissing him while standing up, again too short. His head is small and round, I find this odd. These are the things on the main that I don't like. As well, I don't like that he's childish in some ways, that he really reminds me of a kid... all men have some aspects of the child still left in them but the way that he's childish is awkward for me. Plus I don't like the way he talks babyish to me, it disturbs my sense of self. Plus the over dramatic way he answers my posts makes me cringe.
I don't like the way he buys me stuff that I don't like, the comic books that he sent creeped me out because they were about a white guy who was a complete idiot in the midst of Indian guy's, the obvious racial slurs bothered me.
I'm not happy that he talked me into being in a relationship with him, even though I told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. He did this through guilt inference, by making me feel guilty that I had told him at one point that I loved him, so therefore if I loved him then I should want to be in a relationship with him.
I'm feeling cornered, I'm feeling overwhelmed with his attention.
The mutual friendship that I have with him has been overshadowed by the hope that he has of an everlasting relationship. The mutual friendship and interests are what has kept me tied to him. Then I don't want to cause him pain. Plus all of the relatives that I have met, his family, he claims loves me and I am intrigued in some ways by the idea of going to India, meeting these people, being a part of an old ancestry with old traditions and a royal blood line. Intrigued about the mystery and power of his family. Fascinated by the friendships that he seems to command, the respect that he has in Puttar, his family's home and elsewhere in India.
I just realized something else, we all tend to comply with people that we feel obligated to. I kind of feel that perhaps Meaghan today didn't want a hug, but she's hurt and playing out a role of being hurt and when offered a hug she took it, though somewhat reluctantly and awkwardly. What this means for me is that I am playing out a role, I am being offered love and I have accepted help and support from Ajey and thus feel obligated to continue playing the role. Even though a part of me doesn't want to continue. The question is, is the part of me that doesn't want to continue bigger than the part that wants to keep going? What does this mean for me? I felt like this for years and years with Sam but could never break things off, I just couldn't and it tore me apart, it ate at my sanity, I felt stuck, obliged, drained. Not part of an ideal reality for me. Plus I am afraid of losing friendship, I am afraid of losing respect, I am afraid of hatred aimed towards me.
That's why I kept trying to appease Gabriel, I didn't want him to hate me. But I wanted him to back down, I wanted time and he wouldn't give it to me. I was so deeply emotional with him. He hit all the right notes at the right time. I felt so much romance in that relationship. The feelings I felt there overshadow what I feel with Ajey, though with Ajey I felt a brilliant sense of enlightenment, of love, and a blush. Those were under false assumptions though, I wouldn't have felt the same if I would have met him in person at the time.
Gabriel is a dangerous man, is it only for me? I'm not sure but the attraction is enormous. Like a moth to the flame.
Delicious Strawberries :)
I've acquired a new favorite habit... berries and Greek yogurt! Ah soooo delicious!!
This combination started out as a desire to counteract in part the extreme void of perceived nutrition in Roxies lunch menu, thus I picked up a treat for her (along with other yummy treats) and had a bit of the treat myself.
Oh raptures!
The delight was at first a simple combination of Organic Blueberries and Raspberries, Greek Yogurt and a bit of Stevia sprinkled on top. Yummy!
The pièce de résistance though is Greek Yogurt (sprinkled with Stevia), walnuts, and fresh sliced organic strawberries!!
Try it out ;)
This combination started out as a desire to counteract in part the extreme void of perceived nutrition in Roxies lunch menu, thus I picked up a treat for her (along with other yummy treats) and had a bit of the treat myself.
Oh raptures!
The delight was at first a simple combination of Organic Blueberries and Raspberries, Greek Yogurt and a bit of Stevia sprinkled on top. Yummy!
The pièce de résistance though is Greek Yogurt (sprinkled with Stevia), walnuts, and fresh sliced organic strawberries!!
Try it out ;)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Patience
It's interesting to realize the amount of patience that you've developed for circumstances and people while in the crux of exercising that patience.
My Ex-Husband has volunteered to paint around the house and to fix things up, it is a continual effort to try to win me back I know (because he all but says this to me), but I'm letting him do it or else do it myself.
I know I could move, I know I could call on members of the church to come over to fix things, but how much of peoples time can you really count on?
So I bought the plywood, vinyl and other such materials for the project, a long process because I want it to look nice without paying too much for the job, and Sam tells me that I should call the landlord and let them know of the hideous state of the flooring that was under the vinyl. It turns out that what was there when we moved in was rather nice, the stuff under it, 3 layers of vinyl under a 1/2 # plywood was wretched.
In order to get a hold of the landlord I have to go through the manager. So I called her up and told her that I needed to speak with the landlord. She (the manager) went off on me, told me that I should have told her that it (presumably the bathroom) was leaking, that she asked me every time I handed her the rent if anything was leaking. This rant because the sub-floor beneath the vinyl was rotting away. I never told her that it was leaking because it wasn't leaking and she saw the state of the floor before. The deal with this lady though is that she likes to build up a repertoire of things that she deems to be the fault of the tenets so that she can complain to the landlord about the problems and throw everyone into a bad light. She did this to Christina (my once neighbor) and I knew she was doing it to me so I pointed it out to her. She seemed to think I was raising my voice to her but in reality I was simply calling her out. So she started ranting about this being the Landlords property, that we shouldn't fix anything, that she would have sued me if it were her and had us evicted, but it's not her property... blah blah blah. I finally got her to calm down, call the landlord who gave me a call back and in a calm and pleasant voice asked what the issue was. I told her, she asked me to submit receipts for the job (I can deduct the cost from my rent), and asked that I make a list of what needs to be fixed to give to the manager with my rent for next month and that was that.
Goodness, heaven above.
Today's been full of opportunities to exercise patience. Patience while my Dad explains to me about good driving habits (on our way to the hardware store), while he hems and haws about the types of wrenches I should buy (I just wanted a simple set, but he thought perhaps I should buy the deluxe set...), while he goes off to find a candy bar and picks through a bunch of discounted tools. Dad's amusing sometimes if you don't let his comments about stuff get to you.
Patience... now I get to exercise a bit more of it as the toilet (reset after being moved out of the way so the floor could be replaced) is leaking from the top part (the bolts holding the top part down are rusty), so we have to flush the toilet with water from a bucket...
But all of this shall be worth it! When I can step into my bathroom and not cringe, when I can take a bath and not worry about the water leaking over the side (well not as much anyway). When it is clean and easier to clean it will all be worth it!
Now it's time for bed.
My Ex-Husband has volunteered to paint around the house and to fix things up, it is a continual effort to try to win me back I know (because he all but says this to me), but I'm letting him do it or else do it myself.
I know I could move, I know I could call on members of the church to come over to fix things, but how much of peoples time can you really count on?
So I bought the plywood, vinyl and other such materials for the project, a long process because I want it to look nice without paying too much for the job, and Sam tells me that I should call the landlord and let them know of the hideous state of the flooring that was under the vinyl. It turns out that what was there when we moved in was rather nice, the stuff under it, 3 layers of vinyl under a 1/2 # plywood was wretched.
In order to get a hold of the landlord I have to go through the manager. So I called her up and told her that I needed to speak with the landlord. She (the manager) went off on me, told me that I should have told her that it (presumably the bathroom) was leaking, that she asked me every time I handed her the rent if anything was leaking. This rant because the sub-floor beneath the vinyl was rotting away. I never told her that it was leaking because it wasn't leaking and she saw the state of the floor before. The deal with this lady though is that she likes to build up a repertoire of things that she deems to be the fault of the tenets so that she can complain to the landlord about the problems and throw everyone into a bad light. She did this to Christina (my once neighbor) and I knew she was doing it to me so I pointed it out to her. She seemed to think I was raising my voice to her but in reality I was simply calling her out. So she started ranting about this being the Landlords property, that we shouldn't fix anything, that she would have sued me if it were her and had us evicted, but it's not her property... blah blah blah. I finally got her to calm down, call the landlord who gave me a call back and in a calm and pleasant voice asked what the issue was. I told her, she asked me to submit receipts for the job (I can deduct the cost from my rent), and asked that I make a list of what needs to be fixed to give to the manager with my rent for next month and that was that.
Goodness, heaven above.
Today's been full of opportunities to exercise patience. Patience while my Dad explains to me about good driving habits (on our way to the hardware store), while he hems and haws about the types of wrenches I should buy (I just wanted a simple set, but he thought perhaps I should buy the deluxe set...), while he goes off to find a candy bar and picks through a bunch of discounted tools. Dad's amusing sometimes if you don't let his comments about stuff get to you.
Patience... now I get to exercise a bit more of it as the toilet (reset after being moved out of the way so the floor could be replaced) is leaking from the top part (the bolts holding the top part down are rusty), so we have to flush the toilet with water from a bucket...
But all of this shall be worth it! When I can step into my bathroom and not cringe, when I can take a bath and not worry about the water leaking over the side (well not as much anyway). When it is clean and easier to clean it will all be worth it!
Now it's time for bed.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Today Was a Triumph! However other worries are on the horizon...
My family has a tradition to go up to my parents house for dinner. This a tradition that has grown out of comfortable habit, going back for 10+ years.
One of the best parts of going to my parents house for dinner is the fun and sometimes strange conversations that we all have. Today's topic, my Dad's adventures with "Cousin Eddy," which brought up "Annie and Daniel" stories, "Daniel" stories, and my kids own stories.
I think that hearing stories about me and my brother humanized me a bit for my daughter, she's loosened up for the day and it makes me feel good to be comfortable talking with her and all of my kids. :)
My worry is this:
He's had a lump on his neck for quite some time, a smaller one that you an see a little below this large one. I'm not sure how long this one's been there, he's passed most of the summer with his Dad's family and his cousins. I just noticed how large it was last week and got him a doctors appointment. The doctors got him on antibiotics (saying it's possibly strep) and I'm hoping that the antibiotics make it go away!
Otherwise... I fear to think what could cause this.
One of the best parts of going to my parents house for dinner is the fun and sometimes strange conversations that we all have. Today's topic, my Dad's adventures with "Cousin Eddy," which brought up "Annie and Daniel" stories, "Daniel" stories, and my kids own stories.
I think that hearing stories about me and my brother humanized me a bit for my daughter, she's loosened up for the day and it makes me feel good to be comfortable talking with her and all of my kids. :)
My worry is this:
He's had a lump on his neck for quite some time, a smaller one that you an see a little below this large one. I'm not sure how long this one's been there, he's passed most of the summer with his Dad's family and his cousins. I just noticed how large it was last week and got him a doctors appointment. The doctors got him on antibiotics (saying it's possibly strep) and I'm hoping that the antibiotics make it go away!
Otherwise... I fear to think what could cause this.
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