Loneliness a part of life. It's a driving force behind many motivations. I've got this need to justify myself, justify my differences, and put out feelers of thoughts here and there looking for acceptance, belonging.
The hardest thing about choosing a different course of life is feeling different. Human beings, as much as they like attention at times don't like sticking out. Perhaps some kind of instinctual protection against being singled out of the crowd, being left alone, completely alone.
My friend at work, Oumar, is head over heels in love with his former girlfriend. He talks about her all the time, she sounds great. I guess she broke things off with him. Sometimes I will go on walks with Oumar, he starts nodding off at work (because he stays up late a lot and works two jobs). He likes to talk about religion and/or football. His parents are from Africa, he grew up in France. He's a nice guy, but somehow I feel awkward and dorky around him. I talk about my favorite subject, food and it's affects on the body, he nods and listens (sort of) then eats a piece of cake. That's about the extent of my interaction with Oumar I keep thinking though, that it's a rather difficult acquaintanceship (weird word) and it's easier to walk with Mandi or Sorina because I can talk about just about anything with them and laugh my head off. Yeah.... but Oumar is a nice guy as well.
Tomorrow I'm going to watch the first of the LOTR trilogy with Mandi and Sorina. They are flying to India in a week to train the team over there. I'm so excited for them but keep banging my head on my desk when no one's looking that I went for the Accounting job. Why me?? Oh cruel fate! I'm hoping that I will find a position that fills me with interest and joy like the Datasteward role did. I loved that type of work. The type of work I'm doing now is making me crazy... not that I'm ungrateful mind you, I'm glad to have a job. I'm glad to have benefits, I'm grateful that I'm starting to understand the systems related to this position and starting to see the possibilities for little projects that will make things more interesting... but at the moment I'm pulling my hair out because of client managers/customers that have done several weird addendum's to their contracts and as a result can't understand their billing. Somehow I've had 3 big clients with the same type of issue in the past 2 weeks, it's driving me bananas!!!!
My neighbors moved out and Fabio is moving in. Yep, Fabio, haha. He brought over two girls who he introduced as friends and now it sounds like he's spraying down his apartment with water, it's sort of strange.
Differences, a theme my mind keeps dwelling on. I was raised in a cluttered home my mom was too tired to clean, she was also too tired to do much else but make a quick, easy hamburger helper type dinner and then beat a retreat to her room to read.
But what does it matter to me? I suppose that I look at my family and lament that we have all been affected by poor nutrition. You know, I wish it wasn't that! I wish it was the favorite American myth that what ails us is a result in a bizarre twist in our genes. I'm convinced though that it's all about nutrition. But knowing that doesn't make anything better, in fact it makes me want to swallow my tongue and/or go back to the ignorance that was my common thread with everyone else before.
Then why can't I simply be different? Miss cool, confident, self directed girl who everyone loves (and who doesn't give a flip about what others think of her).
I've got some of the cool, some of the confident, lots of the self-direction... but too much care about what others think... perhaps because I care too much about what they think, I do too much to try to compensate for my perceived inadequacy as my ideal self.
Anyway, so much ranting tonight... time to try shutting off my thoughts and getting to bed.
SG
The hardest thing about choosing a different course of life is feeling different. Human beings, as much as they like attention at times don't like sticking out. Perhaps some kind of instinctual protection against being singled out of the crowd, being left alone, completely alone.
My friend at work, Oumar, is head over heels in love with his former girlfriend. He talks about her all the time, she sounds great. I guess she broke things off with him. Sometimes I will go on walks with Oumar, he starts nodding off at work (because he stays up late a lot and works two jobs). He likes to talk about religion and/or football. His parents are from Africa, he grew up in France. He's a nice guy, but somehow I feel awkward and dorky around him. I talk about my favorite subject, food and it's affects on the body, he nods and listens (sort of) then eats a piece of cake. That's about the extent of my interaction with Oumar I keep thinking though, that it's a rather difficult acquaintanceship (weird word) and it's easier to walk with Mandi or Sorina because I can talk about just about anything with them and laugh my head off. Yeah.... but Oumar is a nice guy as well.
Tomorrow I'm going to watch the first of the LOTR trilogy with Mandi and Sorina. They are flying to India in a week to train the team over there. I'm so excited for them but keep banging my head on my desk when no one's looking that I went for the Accounting job. Why me?? Oh cruel fate! I'm hoping that I will find a position that fills me with interest and joy like the Datasteward role did. I loved that type of work. The type of work I'm doing now is making me crazy... not that I'm ungrateful mind you, I'm glad to have a job. I'm glad to have benefits, I'm grateful that I'm starting to understand the systems related to this position and starting to see the possibilities for little projects that will make things more interesting... but at the moment I'm pulling my hair out because of client managers/customers that have done several weird addendum's to their contracts and as a result can't understand their billing. Somehow I've had 3 big clients with the same type of issue in the past 2 weeks, it's driving me bananas!!!!
My neighbors moved out and Fabio is moving in. Yep, Fabio, haha. He brought over two girls who he introduced as friends and now it sounds like he's spraying down his apartment with water, it's sort of strange.
Differences, a theme my mind keeps dwelling on. I was raised in a cluttered home my mom was too tired to clean, she was also too tired to do much else but make a quick, easy hamburger helper type dinner and then beat a retreat to her room to read.
But what does it matter to me? I suppose that I look at my family and lament that we have all been affected by poor nutrition. You know, I wish it wasn't that! I wish it was the favorite American myth that what ails us is a result in a bizarre twist in our genes. I'm convinced though that it's all about nutrition. But knowing that doesn't make anything better, in fact it makes me want to swallow my tongue and/or go back to the ignorance that was my common thread with everyone else before.
Then why can't I simply be different? Miss cool, confident, self directed girl who everyone loves (and who doesn't give a flip about what others think of her).
I've got some of the cool, some of the confident, lots of the self-direction... but too much care about what others think... perhaps because I care too much about what they think, I do too much to try to compensate for my perceived inadequacy as my ideal self.
Anyway, so much ranting tonight... time to try shutting off my thoughts and getting to bed.
SG
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