Pieces of Myself

It's raining outside, rain always stirs my soul into contemplation. The past few weeks and months have been interesting. I've been on this quest to obtain all of the pieces of my personal puzzle that I feel to have been missing from my life. Around 6 years ago I found a little health food store, trying to make a go of things. I can't remember the name of that store now, they went out of business, but I do remember placing an image in my mind of who and what I wanted to be as I made a goal to seek after good health for myself, family and good health for the planet. I imagined never going into a store without a bag, I imagined stepping with confidence and energy, in fact I wrote a list at one point of who I wanted to be.

In part, I wanted to be able to speak to anyone with confidence, without fear. I wanted to be able to defend myself. I wanted poise, and grace. I've always thought of my grandmother as a beautiful lady and I've held her up as my ideal.

She was a co-founder of "The Orem Women's Club." She was well spoken, beautiful, always dressed well... a true lady.

I want to live with passion! I want to wake up each day full, of energy, of motivation, of life!

I think this is why part of me has been hesitant to be completely "IN" a relationship because I don't want to hurt the other person, I don't want to leave, but I don't want to be restricted from meeting other people... getting to know myself in relation to others. But then again I want to have the deepest most meaningful relationship of my life! I want to be part of some kind of Zen level of thinking where they understand me, I understand them... where I know what he is thinking, and he knows me deeply, truly, fully...

Is this fairy Tale thinking?

Sometimes I like to indulge myself a bit when thinking on the subject of what I would like to do with my life. If I didn't have to work, I could explore all of the books on my shelf, become a wise woman who can speak to almost any subject. I could practice Yoga, fill my soul with deep thought and contemplation. I could learn how the body should move, exercise, wander mountain paths and breathe the fresh, clean air. Learn which plants are edible, dig my toes into the loamy dirt and soak in the sun as I read. I could test out any number of recipes, really get the hang of getting dinner on the table each night, some tantalizing dish of nourishing food. I could sit by a stream and draw dandelions. Write songs as I walk along. Daydream...

I'm trying to fit a bit of my soul wishes into each day. Making my job work for me, and working out all of the pieces of myself that I want to be.

Sometimes...

It is hard to be open, honest... when it comes down to it words reveal. They uncover the inner working of our hearts and minds. Sometimes.

Sometimes what is in the heart is a lot more complicated than simple. Sometimes it's not. It's never been easy for me to speak about what I feel, think. I try to hard to make it all make sense, to explain myself, to justify my shortcomings.

Of course I empathize with other people, of course I want to comfort and council. What comfort is there when words are not enough? How to council when I am utterly fallible, a humble servant of expediency.

SG

So here are my "secret" thoughts...

I am doing well. No longer do I live with fear as to the necessities of life. It might be nice to buy a bunch of new clothes... but not necessary.

The great dangers that I faced in the past are gone. I know I can survive without my ex-husband. He no longer threatens my children in his anger, my daughters are safe from him and all I have to deal with is his occasionally annoying behaviors. I think I might miss them though if he stopped. Last night he called really late and was trying to ask me a question about his taxes, whether or not I had received a letter from the IRS for him. I was so tired. I had been on the go all day getting the kids ready for school and it was almost midnight so I cut him off and told him all I wanted was to go to sleep. He said "whatever" and hung up. I called him back and asked him what he wanted and confirmed I hadn't received anything from the IRS.

I would miss him if he was gone, completely out of my life. He was my sweetheart for many years. But we broke things off. I had to leave him. That is that.

So I've been thinking on the meaning of commitment.

I wonder. Am I overly judgmental?  Am I going to end up alone because I can't stand to be with anyone?

I miss those I love. It hurts to leave them, it hurts when they leave...

SG