Interdependence

I usually find myself in front of a blank screen after having many varied thoughts and conversations going on in my head about my life, why I've done certain things and where I want my life to head.

It's difficult to pinpoint sometimes what the desires of my heart are. Perhaps it is the ever aching need for fulfillment that drives me on. I am looking for fulfillment in my pursuits, in my thoughts, study and in love. I feel deep sadness when people that I love move on from my life. When I become irrelevant to their present happiness. I feel frustrated and empty when I cannot fill the same niche. There is an achy place inside that wants to be relevant to others. However I've found that becoming relevant to others is sometimes an infringement upon my own relevancy. I become a model of their expectations and lose the sense of who I am. This paradox is the mysterious source of struggle for me to maintain my identity and to subvert or become part of a larger, more intimate identity, me + someone else.

I'm 34 years old and still do not live with a sense of mutual interdependence with someone else. Is it ever going to be?