State of Being at Work

To me they speak, of me they talk
in the background, where I cannot hear
a line of reasoning, I cannot follow
a hope of respect slipping out of my grasp
the harder I try to hold on
the further
it slips

What would I do if...?

What would I do if money was not an issue?

First of all, I would spend time with my kids helping them to learn about whatever they wanted to learn about.

Last night I had the most horrible dream. I was on some kind of bike I think, peddling as hard as I could to get to work. My daughter was hanging around my neck and crying, I held on to her tightly. I got to the meeting and sat near the back and chatted with the people around me. Another kid was crying and I commented on how difficult they were to sooth sometimes. I was so happy to have my daughter with me. Then I was sliding down these snow hills trying to commute to work. Things were going OK for a while and I had a conversation with an ex boyfriend about the snow hills. Then the snow kept getting thinner and thinner. At the end of the snow hill my grownup son asked me to read him a story. I realized that he had grown up, that he was leaving me and longed for my little boy. I woke up feeling so sad, realizing that my children are growing up and I can't be there for them because I'm at work.

I would create crazy projects, I would take toys from around the house and make them into other things.

I would have fun. How long has it been?

I would cook different foods. Make up recipes, sing in the kitchen.

I would buy a cosy little house with a back yard that had a little copse of trees and perhaps a little stream.

I would decorate my little home.

I would spend my time reading and writing stuff, learning whatever I wanted.

That's all for now...

SG

I need to write...

It's been about a year since I wrote something here. A lot has happened. I started school, I got engaged, I moved our family in with my Fiance, I got married, I went to Ireland with my mom, sister and daughter. I've been sick off and on and it's affected my performance at work and at school.

My performance at work is the most troubling. During my weekly 1:1 meeting my manager told me that he's bringing in HR. It's what I feared, what I've been worrying about... the question is, did my own worries about this happening somehow manifest? Like the book "The Secret" suggests would happen. Or did I just read the situation correctly? I think it's the later rather than the former.

Geez I've forgotten how difficult it is to put my thoughts into words.

I think a lot. Things naturally flow from one thought to another and bounce around in my head, circling around and it's hard to make them stop. Especially when they are creating more anxiety.

With these 1:1 sessions my manager brings up errors, to me they are a reflection of how healthy I've been. When I feel well the error rate is low, when I feel like crap the errors are higher. At the moment I feel good, thus the errors are lower.

How do I explain this to HR? My manager? They don't care what has caused the problem... er I don't know maybe HR does. I hope.

I explain the reasons for my problems to my sweetheart and he dives into explanations about avoiding saying certain things to HR, sounding negative...

The thing is, I dislike the anxiety, A LOT. I hate not knowing what to expect out of this situation.

I guess I just need to improve, keep my error rate low... sleep more so that I will be better at my job.

SG