All of my relationships have been quite different from each other, yet some similar themes have played out in all of them. Passion and betrayal. Attraction and disgust. On the one hand my heart has been full of the joy of discovering another person, my eyes have gazed beyond the ordinary and seen through to the soul of my lovers. At least I fancied that I could see into the depths of their souls. I love this image that I build up of my lovers and when in-congruence occurs between my belief and reality it is painful. There are aspects of all those who I have loved that I still love.
I think who I have loved reveals a lot about me. I love the flawed hero. I've never been into jocks, they think way too much of themselves and I always knew that they wouldn't really be able to relate to me. I was trapped in a way by my first-husband because I was so naive and lonely. Yes I admired his strength, but ultimately I felt alienated and alone when we were together because we had so little in common. I remember once he whisked us (me and the kids) off on a spontaneous family fishing trip. For some reason the feeling of alienation had been growing and I felt loneliness seeping into my heart and despair as I thought of the incongruity between how I felt and how I thought I ought to feel at being whisked away to spend time together as a family. I was, in a way, justified in my anxiety. I have trouble with spontaneity, especially when it involves the kids. I like to feel that I am prepared to take care of their hunger and their thirst. I was a bit angry and sullen, and forlorn. He had taken the kids down to the lakeside, the day was darkening. I sat in the Yukon with a book contemplating my feelings, contemplating the scene, I didn't understand at that time what made me feel as I did, I do now.
Sometimes I worry that I will never find the love that I am really hoping for. Only time will tell...
SG
I think who I have loved reveals a lot about me. I love the flawed hero. I've never been into jocks, they think way too much of themselves and I always knew that they wouldn't really be able to relate to me. I was trapped in a way by my first-husband because I was so naive and lonely. Yes I admired his strength, but ultimately I felt alienated and alone when we were together because we had so little in common. I remember once he whisked us (me and the kids) off on a spontaneous family fishing trip. For some reason the feeling of alienation had been growing and I felt loneliness seeping into my heart and despair as I thought of the incongruity between how I felt and how I thought I ought to feel at being whisked away to spend time together as a family. I was, in a way, justified in my anxiety. I have trouble with spontaneity, especially when it involves the kids. I like to feel that I am prepared to take care of their hunger and their thirst. I was a bit angry and sullen, and forlorn. He had taken the kids down to the lakeside, the day was darkening. I sat in the Yukon with a book contemplating my feelings, contemplating the scene, I didn't understand at that time what made me feel as I did, I do now.
Sometimes I worry that I will never find the love that I am really hoping for. Only time will tell...
SG
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