I don't know if you've ever been accused of something that you didn't do and couldn't prove that you didn't do it, I have been, it's dead awful and frustrating.
Here's the deal. I have a strong conscience, I always have, I've never been able to go long without wanting to make things right, fessing up to my mistakes. I hate to have made mistakes, it makes me feel so ashamed and I don't like that feeling, but I do own up to them.
In fact I once inadvertently took home the fork of my friend after a dinner party, then brought it to work intending to give it back to her, time passed and I kept forgetting to give her her fork back. Until one night when we all planned to go out to dinner with our friend (and former manager) who was visiting from San Jose. I suddenly remembered the fork and when my friend came to my desk I gave it back to her, so embarrassed. We all had a good chuckle over it because it was a silly thing to feel guilty about.
So I have a self identity of someone who is generally honest. I value relationships, superficial people drive me nuts so I tend to form deep relationships with a few people. I don't have a lot of time and so this can be a difficult task. So when I invest time into a relationship I really don't like to lose it. Unfortunately I've usually invested in men who I felt a connection with. Opening up, revealing my past mistakes, forming a bond... and then when those relationships ended I was left with gaping holes in my heart.
Looking back I was infatuated with my last husband, we discussed things a bit but he didn't really reveal much about his feelings or his family's life. He talked a lot about fun things he did with his friends. We did things together and for me to get out of the house to go to concerts, visit friends and do things with family, go hiking, go geo-cashing, go snowboarding... and to get out the paints and paint. I loved that, I just loved it. I was so stressed out from school and I just don't know what it was but he calmed me down and I don't know how but I he could make me laugh until my sides hurt and keep laughing. He started to fill in for the kids Dad and didn't say things off the cuff like their Dad used to, he always seemed to think things through. He was my heart, I loved him so much. We had nicknames for each other, he was my best friend.
Then he grew cold. He decided that I had cheated on him and nothing I said, nothing I did could change his mind. I pleaded with him the first time he left but he "just knew I cheated on him" and he wanted me to confess. The empty futility of that tears at my heart. I had nothing to confess, I have nothing to confess. When I decided to get into a relationship with him I had cut ties with every other interested guy. I closed the door on friendships with other men. The biggest fault that I can lay on myself is not being able to stop my ex-husband from interfering in my life. I tried, I was so cold to him, I only talked to him about our kids and somehow he took advantage of that. BUT I wasn't in love with him and didn't want to be with him. My second biggest fault was being too damn busy to give my husband the attention he deserved, in that I just didn't have an alternative but to drop out of school.
I did all I could to prove that I didn't cheat, I took a lie detector test (which was humiliating) and was cleared as telling the truth.
BUT he had made up his mind and that was that.
Now I look back and I know that there was nothing I could do. He had grown cold, distant and he wouldn't forgive me for being human. He didn't seem to care when I was bleeding internally from Ulcerative Colitis, he seemed put out that he had to drive me to the doctors when I had spent the night clearing out my intestines for a test, he seemed mad at me when I was sick, unconcerned when I had a bad reaction to cashews, didn't care or worry for me when I was anemic. By the time I was going through these difficult things he had decided that I had cheated on him so he withheld his compassion. He was a big jerk! Damn it. I didn't know why he had flipped the switch from caring to indifferent.
AND I don't need that in my life.
It's just that I had started to dream of this steady life, this bright future, this happy home and I lost that. I now have this home, this new life and new dreams. I have this dual nature where I am moving forward but I am tired of my heart breaking. I recognize the impermanence of life, of relationships and it seems the impermanence of love. Part of me is so sad that I feel cynical towards the idea of finding lasting love. I guess I'm jealous of those who have found someone who will stick it out with them, who have stayed and figured out how to make it work. How to make it fresh again, and who have someone to comfortably be themselves with. I dislike disingenuous people.
Well I've worn myself out, time to eat a banana and get to bed.
SG
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