I am in a reflective mood today, it has been a beautiful Christmas day. It snowed last night bringing a touch of snow to make it a white Christmas. I slept in, hallelujah! My children were all here, enthusiastic, and quite happy with all of their presents, thus Christmas has been a success for me. I have spent most of the day reading and relaxing at my parents house. Any time I am presented with the opportunity to do nothing but just be with my loved ones, with no expectation of things that need to be done is a good time to me.
Different thoughts have been floating past my consciousness throughout the day and I wish I had captured them, I think there were some real gems of wisdom and insight among them, but alas I did not take the time to write them down.
I fear that a lot of times I have needed to make a quick decision in matters that really counted but the decision I made was the one I wish I hadn't made. It seems like later on I was forced into making harder choices because of small decisions that were less than ideal. So I've always feared quick decisions, yet sometimes they've turned out well.
I find that there are many pieces of wisdom that serve as a counterpoint to my thoughts. I will think something uncharitable and low and then recriminate myself for it because I am striving to do better. I am striving to accept my limitations as well as those of others. I try to stop the recriminations of my conscience against my own actions. For I am a harsh critic of my own thoughts and actions. Deserving or not.
I've always been a harsh critic of myself, for some reason it is difficult for me to just allow myself to just accept who and what I am. I suppose in a way it is what prompts me towards improvement, but in another way I am never true to myself. I feel like there is this better version of me that I should be... like it is just out of my reach and that there must be something that I can do that will let me reach it.
In the same way I suppose I have always had a high expectation for others, though at the same time I've always made provision for their shortcomings. I reason it out in my mind a circular thought leading from irritation to explanation to reconciliation hopefully without them ever being the wiser to my thoughts. It's tiring though sometimes...
I want to be the sincere, thoughtful, open-hearted heroine that others find so endearing. My actions and motives are put through a whirlwind of thought though before coming out the other end, I suspend my judgement, and act after careful consideration (most of the time). All of this is tiring, I wish I wasn't quite so analytical, but that is what I am.
I love people though, I love them a lot. I've always wanted the best for my siblings, for my children, for my parents, for my friends. I've always wanted to somehow find the magic key that unlocks and relieves the hurts they have suffered, somehow, help them improve their lives so that they will find greater happiness. Because somehow I've always been able to see beyond the barriers that people put up to hide behind and I've always seen that there was so much potential for them. Both thoughts are unnerving and not necessarily helpful so I've stopped trying as hard as I used to. Which sometimes makes me feel disconnected from myself.
One other honesty before I stop writing tonight. I know that most days I am living but I am not alive. I turn myself into an automated robot that get's up, ready and to work so that I can come home and do it again and again and again... it is only on days of seemingly endless freedom and solitude like today that I find I am able to breath and think. I wish there was a way to always have that freedom, but I've not discovered it. I wish I could.
SG
Different thoughts have been floating past my consciousness throughout the day and I wish I had captured them, I think there were some real gems of wisdom and insight among them, but alas I did not take the time to write them down.
I fear that a lot of times I have needed to make a quick decision in matters that really counted but the decision I made was the one I wish I hadn't made. It seems like later on I was forced into making harder choices because of small decisions that were less than ideal. So I've always feared quick decisions, yet sometimes they've turned out well.
I find that there are many pieces of wisdom that serve as a counterpoint to my thoughts. I will think something uncharitable and low and then recriminate myself for it because I am striving to do better. I am striving to accept my limitations as well as those of others. I try to stop the recriminations of my conscience against my own actions. For I am a harsh critic of my own thoughts and actions. Deserving or not.
I've always been a harsh critic of myself, for some reason it is difficult for me to just allow myself to just accept who and what I am. I suppose in a way it is what prompts me towards improvement, but in another way I am never true to myself. I feel like there is this better version of me that I should be... like it is just out of my reach and that there must be something that I can do that will let me reach it.
In the same way I suppose I have always had a high expectation for others, though at the same time I've always made provision for their shortcomings. I reason it out in my mind a circular thought leading from irritation to explanation to reconciliation hopefully without them ever being the wiser to my thoughts. It's tiring though sometimes...
I want to be the sincere, thoughtful, open-hearted heroine that others find so endearing. My actions and motives are put through a whirlwind of thought though before coming out the other end, I suspend my judgement, and act after careful consideration (most of the time). All of this is tiring, I wish I wasn't quite so analytical, but that is what I am.
I love people though, I love them a lot. I've always wanted the best for my siblings, for my children, for my parents, for my friends. I've always wanted to somehow find the magic key that unlocks and relieves the hurts they have suffered, somehow, help them improve their lives so that they will find greater happiness. Because somehow I've always been able to see beyond the barriers that people put up to hide behind and I've always seen that there was so much potential for them. Both thoughts are unnerving and not necessarily helpful so I've stopped trying as hard as I used to. Which sometimes makes me feel disconnected from myself.
One other honesty before I stop writing tonight. I know that most days I am living but I am not alive. I turn myself into an automated robot that get's up, ready and to work so that I can come home and do it again and again and again... it is only on days of seemingly endless freedom and solitude like today that I find I am able to breath and think. I wish there was a way to always have that freedom, but I've not discovered it. I wish I could.
SG
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