Hiding

I have been hiding all of my life, observing but not commenting, and scared but not sure what to do about it. My strategy has been to hide so that I wouldn't have to defend myself, so that I wouldn't be attacked for what I said, or humiliated because of my ignorance. 

I have been afraid and defensive of my own weaknesses, I wanted to compete but I didn't want to lose, losing just seemed to prove how worthless I was. At least that's how I felt.

Was this societal indoctrination? Raised to be submissive, to not question authority, maybe it was. All I know is that I didn't want to stand out, to be the center of attention, to draw the disapproval of others towards me. It's still hard to break away from that tendency. It's easier to hide and live a life of quiet anonymity.

Yet I've always admired those who are bold, the people unafraid to show their flaws, the people standing up to bullies and telling them that it is not OK. 

I'm inspired by intelligent people, who lift people up, who are working to make a difference in the world, people who don't back down in the face of ignorance.

I'm envious of people who can just have fun with life, who see the bad but are also able to celebrate the good things in life. Those people that celebrate holiday's and the accomplishments of themselves as well as others.

I tend to fall into a trap of doing instead of being. Trying to organize life instead of living and enjoying life. There has to be a balance and balance isn't easy to find for me. There are all kinds of things I enjoy doing, writing, drawing, painting, photography, roller blading, hiking, walking, gardening and cooking among many others. But sometimes I am paralyzed by indecision, afraid and hyper fixate on cleaning the house or making a budget. I try to organize so that I'm not wasting money or time and in spite of that I quite often end up doing both. 

I am aware that I need to change, to be more brave. Hiding is a good strategy sometimes, it preserves me from being overwhelmed and burned out by the cruelty of the world, but hiding should be tempered with speaking up, too many of us are hiding.