Cavalcade

 It has been snowing, but first there was a slushy kind of drizzle, the snow is like a coverlet on a layer of slush. I have been working hard, all my skills of gathering, sorting and analyzing data have been coming into play every day as I try to make sense of a complicated and obscure contract mess. 

It's at times like these when I wonder if I will ever have balance again. If I'll ever be able to rest. 

As I go through my day a cavalcade of thoughts go through my head. I think of my childhood sometimes, my grandmother, my home. I take pleasure in the way my house is set up, it is fun and different. I'm not too concerned about things looking like they do on Instagram. 

It's interesting to me how many ideas I've picked up over the years and then put back down. Ideas of self identity, theology, nutrition, and life in general. I've found that life is not so straightforward and clear cut as we make it out to be and that wanting certainty only leads to rigidity in our thoughts and feelings.  

Sometimes I wonder if I am too passive, or if my ability to wait and see allows me some advantage that assertiveness fails to see. In some ways I am assertive in my passivity, it is a choice, it is a way to avoid conflict and also a way to have more options. In some ways it is unhealthy, but I'm not sure how to untangle it all to be different.

I wanted something so much at some point, or at least I thought I did, and when I didn't get it I felt grief but also relief. That is the way of life, sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but it all turns out in the end.

Anyway, I've been in the habit of writing something every night. That has been good for me. 

SG