Vulnerability

It seems to me that no matter how much I figure out about life and living, I can't escape from the feeling that I'm missing something.

I feel vulnerable, like the sky of open possibilities is a promise and a threat. It feels like a wrong choice can limit me, like I could lose everything in a moment.

I can't help but feel like I'm walking close to the edge; I hang on when I should let go, as though the only options I see are slipping through my fingers.

I make these moves, I do these things, and then question myself. Was that the right thing to do?

It's terrifying; I feel like a fool sometimes.

Perhaps it seems as though I'm as sure as the sky on a sunny day, but I'm not. I often do things that are against the grain, not commonly advised, unconventional, subversive, and it is so scary. My biggest fear is not hurting myself but hurting others, and ironically that's where a lot of my problems stem.

Where they've always stemmed.

Because I can't keep everyone happy and be true to myself, someone is going to get hurt, and often times it's me. I'm swallowing the pills to keep them from affecting other people. But it's really not doing anyone any favors, and it's hard to see that. Because it hurts to admit the necessity of change, of disappointments, and not being able to meet everyone's expectations.

And it's deceptive because I'm hiding the truth of my vulnerability.

But I hope you all can forgive me; confrontation is hard, the truth can be hard, and my heart breaks so easily.