The Peace of the Gospel

I am naturally a curious, questioning person who wants to know about everything. I have mounds of books around me, an attempt at osmosis a hope that somehow I will find the time to read them or else that somehow they will become imprinted upon my soul and mind. I have always been like this, always loved to be surrounded by books.

I'm the type of person who will catch fire with something and will pursue it until I have satisfied myself that I've studied enough about the subject to have a good grasp on what it is and then I try out the theory in my life to test how valid it is. There are quite a few things that I know through this method, for instance that fat (real fats like butter from grass fed cows, coconut oils, olive oil etc.) certainly will not make someone fat but that they are good for you and that your body craves them. I know that milk, raw milk, can be a good thing... but that It is mostly not for me.

Trial and error... one herb after the other... what works.

Then there is philosophy, I took an "Ethics and Values" class about 10 years ago. I became immersed in exploring philosophy, if this that and the other is true than that is true. I think that if a person doesn't have a good grasp on critical thinking that they could become quite confused... and I was, because I didn't know how to sift out one theory from the next.... all I knew is that most of it felt wrong, and perhaps intuition is better than reasoning in these matters. Or else I've not been raised to question, and questioning made me feel uncomfortable.

At about the same time I became engulfed in a consuming desire to really know whether or not the Gospel itself was true, and what about other religions, what were they about?

So I started to read everything that I could get my hands on, all the material that I could ever need really had been surrounding me for the whole of my life. That is everything about the Gospel, about other religions I took to the internet. I searched and questioned and thought over a lot of deep and weighty matters all at once and then found that my questions had run out, there were still a few that couldn't be answered through the texts that I had on hand and that bothered me, niggling little unanswered questions, right at the pit of my mind.

Yet they were not what I thought of as fundamental discrepancies in the course of  theological verity, so I decided upon a course of cautious worship as I tried out theological theories in my life. I guess that's the way I've been ever since, somewhat of a skeptical believer.

There have been times though, where I have been confronted by pure and sweet peace. When I have felt with utmost certainty that what I have heard and read and have done was the right thing to do. When the Gospel has brought great peace to my life. Even miracles I'm not afraid to call such events and moments by the label of miracle. It is at times such as these that I regret most deeply that I am not a more constant personality, that I learn through fits of enthusiasm rather than from gleaning wisdom as I go. Well, I do find that I learn a bit more here and there as I go along... but I seriously think I need to develop better habits of study.

Thus the peace of the Gospel, to some it might be a torturous burden of guilt that they can't seem to shake because they can't seem to live up to the lofty ideals that the Gospel seems to impose. That it is a burden to believe, because belief requires commitment and commitment is hard when committing means reexamining your thoughts, your beliefs, your ideals... and yes often times it involves reevaluating things which we have accepted as simple habits that cannot be changed or things which we would rather not face.

I've felt all of that, yet I've come to a point where I know, I simply know that all I can do is live so that I am facing the truth and embracing it rather than turning from it. What is truth? That which we have thoroughly examined, which we have placed on the alter of disbelief or temporary acceptance and have found that if we violate or disregard that bit of truth than we will face consequences for which we will suffer... it is a natural thing. Therefore the Gospel is simply a guide which points out the natural and logical consequences for our actions, if it were false than we would be able to justify our actions against the untruth of it and find that nothing happened. So far I have found nothing which has been an unjustified law or untruth in the Gospel itself.

Then why the fits and starts, why is it so hard to simply live and believe and shout to the world that I know that these are truths?

It is for the same reason that I sometimes hesitate to tell people that such and such food that they are eating is not good for them, well they eat it right? and it hasn't killed them, right? True, simply and yet if it truly is something antithetical to health then the consequences will eventually show themselves, and I will have nothing to say except that I knew it wasn't good... but that I couldn't tell them that because they wouldn't listen, and what do I know anyway? Except that I've tried it, and it hurt me... and that everyone must find out the truth for themselves because I sure can't tell them what it is.

That brings me to the peace of the temple. There is concentrated peace there, the kind that settles into your soul up in the mountains or while sitting near a river, or a beautiful lake or the ocean. Going to the temple and emerging is like breathing a breath of fresh air. Personally I need to partake of that a bit more... I haven't been for far too long.

Ahhhh Time

Well, now I'm at an interesting place in life... a construction zone of sorts. I feel a bit ridiculous because with the firmest of intentions I signed up for a gym membership... and haven't been really.

I'm an all or nothing type of person sometimes... at least with the food that I eat I've been an all type of person, I've not been like that in the past because I was deluding myself a bit that it was OK to eat "everything in moderation," ironic that I heard the same words from someone at work whom I know to be very naive. Perhaps it is that I feel safe controlling the foods that I eat, it is a personal thing, if I go too far, too extreme in loving/hating a food I can pull back and be more moderate... no ones feelings are hurt. I feel safe in this....

With exercise... I suppose it's the same, yet it's also something that takes a time commitment from me. Plus I've not felt well... part of that was Anemia, part of it was not being able to get enough sleep... I've been working on both of those issues...

Still, time, time is so fleeting right now. I feel like I don't have enough, am not doing enough, am not caring enough... enough seems to be too much right now.

At least things have been working themselves into somewhat of a routine, I think I've got an off sense of time... I think that I can do more than I can.

In fact that's part of what has kept me from blogging... I sometimes feel hesitant to write, receive responses and then not be able to respond to them. I feel like a selfish jerk...

If you've visited me at my spot lately... Thank you so very much for stopping by! I'll try to respond a bit here and there...

SG

Putting up my defenses...

I am at such an awkward situation in my life, it's so very confusing. I think I have failed myself, let down those who want to love me and basically have retreated into a place of standoffishness.

At some point (in the recent past) I felt like my sense of independent thought was slipping away. It is a terrible feeling, one that I hate.

I wish that I could fix the worlds hurts but I end up causing a lot of hurt, I'm sorry about that world, I think I need to leave you alone for a while... I'm already limping, can't prop anyone up when I'm limping.

It's been hard for me to write anything here, I've felt the honesty eating at my sense of quiet reticence; after all if everyone knows my thoughts then I feel I am not allowed to change them. In a way it was better when no one knew who this little "Strawberry Girl" was... I feel so exposed at this spot and at my other.

The words have been flowing lately but they've been stopped by a desire to hide them away from others, so I haven't been writing them down, no matter how beautiful the thoughts have been.

I wish I could be a support, a friend... hard to do that though when I don't really feel up to being more than that, no matter how much I need the love and affection that I'm craving.

I'm selfish, I know I am

I want to be loved without any expectations of a relationship of a future. I don't know why I'm feeling this way or what I can do to fix it.

Am I scarred? Tired of trying? Yeah... I don't really want to try at the moment.

I'm sorry

I need to be guided by my own light, and by the still small voice.

I've been shutting it all off for too long...

Frustration - Trying to catch my tail

I'm stealing time to write, ridiculous, as it never seems to serve me well when I stay up late. I just felt like writing a bit about my frustration with life, I've been staring at books for the better part of my life and have been frustrated by them... why? Because I cannot absorb them by osmosis... I must labor with them, yet there never seems to be the time to do so.

I used to escape from school, ditch it, play hooky... to go home and read. I would pile the books high, important subjects like "Physics," "Chemistry," "The History of The World," "Math," and of course the audio tapes that just happened to be sitting around like "The Essentials of Morris Code..."

I'm not sure what it was but I simply hated all the worksheets that the teachers gave us, I felt like I was missing something.

Well I still feel that way sometimes, it is very frustrating.

All the wisdom in the world though is not as valuable as that of my own thoughts, and that is what I neglect sometimes. Just sitting and thinking, not distracting myself with outside stimuli...

I feel like rambling a bit, I've not done that for a while... yet I'm stealing time from sleep, curse it all!!

There is not enough time to do it all, I try to prioritize but my priorities become a chore... and the chore becomes a burden. It seems that the house needs to be cleaned, the shopping and cooking done and what the heck am I able to get done besides running to catch my tail?

HI

Honesty is the best policy, at odds with this though  are certain desires, desire to save face, desires to protect others, even desires to protect others from our unvarnished opinions. Unvarnished opinions that we know to be an incomplete picture of reality.

Children are honest, they tell you outright what you wish were hidden but which is not. They know when people are lying, they know when they are insincere, they know if you're sick, if you're sad, if you're hurt... yet they lack understanding, so they often will blurt out the obvious, that which we wish were hidden.

We can't really hide... it's just that when we get older we all play a game where the truth is not spoken, where you and I both know that such and such is wrong but we mutually avoid saying so.... it's more convienient.

We've all been hurt

Honestly, I care

I can see the hurt and pain

I know what those defenses are

My dad is watching an old cowboy movie, an Abot and Costello comedy "Ride em' Cowboy."

Those old fashioned shows are so beautifully simple, so idealistically easy.

I've spent my life chasing some ideal vision of myself. I wrote once that I would like to be the kind of person that was accepted. A lady, someone who could walk up to anyones door and knock, they would open the door and they would listen to what I had to say. They would see the acceptable me, there are very few people who have seen and accepted the insecure, imperfect sociatially unacceptable me.

I believe in myself now, I believe that I can usually get away with talking with people without feeling inadequate (well sometimes) yet there are still a lot of insecurities

and I let myself down, even when I've really tried. (It really hurts when this happens)

What do I need to do right now, for my own sense of self?

It is simply to live up to what I can do, what I need to do

I can't allow my little family to slip into permanant poverty! I've got to do something to fix this situation

All I can think of is to work, study, get my household schedule under control (which actually scares me the most as I am always trying to push everything that I need to get done through the little time that I actually have).

I can do it, I believe in myself

and I won't tell you that I love you unless I'm ready to make a commitment and I'm not, even if I care a great deal.

I believe in you though, cast off all of that self doubt

It hurts, I know

Just walk forward,

If you destroy yourself, then you destroy a part of me

I believe in you

Perceptions

I am thinking today about perceptions. What I see, hear, smell, taste, touch may be completely different from what you perceive. Perceptions may change as well what may have been one day may be different the next based on a lot of factors.

Perceptions shape our thoughts and our actions, for instance, say you meet someone for the first time and think to yourself, "they are arrogant, they are shy, they are nice, they are not nice."

These are perceptions formed from a brief interaction, in many ways we need these judgements for some sort of guidance about who to develop a friendship with, who to trust and who to avoid.

Yet many times these perceptions are wrong, thus knowing this I try to keep an open mind about people until they prove quite succinctly that they are someone to avoid.

I have also found that perceptions shape the thought processes of others with whom we meet and interact, that is, what you say can effect upon other peoples ideas about themselves and life in general.

Sometimes we characterize our children into certain categories, "oh he's the smart one, she's lazy, she is just cranky all of the time." Admittedly I am guilty of this, for kids all have very different personalities.

I tend to think that these labels can be limiting, who wants to be known as the lazy one? The cranky one? I try to avoid saying anything negative about the kids in front of them, plus I try to avoid excessively praising one over the other when the other kids are in the room (It creates jealousies.)

Labels become self perpetrating prophecies, when your children hear the things that you say about them, they will act out what they think your perception of them is.

It can effect you as well, your own self talk can limit or help you.

I think, that in order to avoid ridiculing ourselves, we need to take a look at things in perspective. Look over your whole life, the opportunities that you have had, the situation that you have grown up in, mistakes that you have made. All of these things are in the past, you must accept that they have happened and move on.

Then, think about what brings you joy, what you enjoy doing. Focus on those things, and ignore voices of self doubt. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile, look into your own eyes and find acceptance. Move forward, don't dwell, move forward.

Saying all of this, I know that depression is very real. I used to be depressed all of the time. The change in my diet helped me to overcome it, though I still go through certain periods of depression.

What I find helps me is acknowledging that depression as a thing separate from myself, and pressing forward with my goals and plans despite it all. I fight it, I look for foods that I can eat to help change the chemical balance in my body (Omega-3 oils, Maca, Roobios tea are some). I exercise even if I don't particularly feel like it, and even if I think that I look like the biggest dork out on the street I keep walking anyway.

Depression brings with it different perceptions, and with those I try to make the best of the emotion by writing something. Some of the most interesting things I have written have come from the depressions that I have gone through.

Then, when I am on the other side, I am more able to feel the gladness of life and the beauty of things.

Don't ever think, if you are depressed, that it is a reflection of your true self. You are a creature of light and life, an interesting person. Not the outward shell, not the inward sadness but someone who is of eternal worth.

I am very happy today to have heard from a returning missionary in our ward, and to then go and hear from my little brother who is set to leave on his mission on the 7th of August.

He is very special to me, he was the first little creature that I mothered as a young girl. I remember reading to him the book "The Giving Tree," over and over again. Plus I remember him asking me "how do we hear, what makes sound?"

I explained to his rapt listening ears that there are invisible sound waves that travel through the air to reach our ear drum. I then had him recall seeing the vibration of things like drums and strings.

He has struggled with ADD or earlier on ADHD and being medicated with Ritalin. My parents did not know what else to do, I don't blame them it is a hard thing to deal with.

In fact my own little boy has some form of ADD, not diagnosed but I know the signs. I brought him out of school last year to home school him and have been partially successful as he now knows how to read and he's not dumb on his math facts either.

Yet he still struggles with writing things, and he does struggle a bit with the flow of reading (plus some other facts). I wish I could have done better for him, I went through a terrible year last year and the beginning of this, so I didn't teach him as much as I could have.

But at least he wants to learn and that is an important factor in life, something that being in school was zapping away from him. I have to send him to second grade though, because I need to work, I fear for the little fellow.

Anyhow, this post is long enough. I hope you all have a good and blessed day.

SG

The Bitter Gall

In our Relief Society lesson today we talked about the Plan of Happines... Heavenly Fathers plan for us on this earth.

The teachers approach was different from the beginning.

Instead of doing an overview of the pre-mortal existence, where we chose to follow Gods plan, she started talking about preparation. Ironic since I had just been thinking about how to prepare, what my ultimate goals were and where my focus should be.

When we are preparing for something we take into consideration what we need, who will be there, and how much time things will take.

She contrasted this with the fact that God is a God of order, that we were preparing to meet the challenges that we would face while here on the earth and that God gave us the circumstances that we would need in order to grow. That if we make the right choices in this life we will be able to return to him, and all have opportunities to make choices, no matter the circumstance.

She then talked about probation, that when we hear this word we might identify it with someone who is under probation after committing a crime but the true meaning of the word involves a period of time where we are given a chance to prove ourselves whether we will meet the conditions for being there. 
pro·ba·tion (prō bā′s̸hən)
noun

1. a testing or trial, as of a person's character, ability to meet requirements, etc.
2. the suspension of sentence of a person convicted but not yet imprisoned, on condition of continued good behavior and regular reporting to a probation officer
3. 1. the status of a person being tested or on trial: a student on probation because of low grades
   2. the period of testing or trial

So if this earth life is a probation then what are we proving, what is the test for?

Here a distinction was made which I think is definitive, at least for me. We are not here to prove to God what we will do we are here to prove to ourselves what we will do, where we fit ourselves to be, what standards we will meet...

Another thing that is interesting to me is that God is sure of his plans, he knows he is doing the right thing and we can have assurance of that.

There have been so many times that I have made plans and then I doubt them, from my own failures I pick up a sense of doubt about whether or not I can complete the plans that I have made. So I am going to make it a point to believe in the plans that I make, in fact post a statement to that effect on my mirror if I have to.

It was also pointed out during the lesson that we all come to earth with different circumstances, that we make choices and others make choices that affect us and that God is the perfect judge. Jesus Christ knows us, he knows our grief and sorrows because he has borne them for our sake and that all of our lives will be taken into account, not just the things that you see on the surface.

Here is where comes in the "Bitter Gall." At some point I lost the way, again, about my purpose here on earth. I forgot my relationship with my Heavenly Father and with all of his children and thought that life is about "making it," "being successful." In reality, the only thing that really matters is how well I raise my children and what kind of a person I am at the end of my life.

Making enough money to support myself would be nice though. Plus being able to follow through on a couple of interests... but the ultimate goal is raising my children well and returning to him knowing that I have given my best effort at life, at being a good person, and loving those that I meet.

Finally I realized, again, that it is possible to love others despite their imperfections and that is one other goal to strive for.

SG

Hmmmm, not doing enough?

It's finally the weekend, and I'm sitting around contemplating the universe instead of getting up and cleaning, the house could use a good cleaning too.

The thing is, I'm sort of at a loss. The only one home is my 3 year old, it has been nice snuggling with her, having a lesuirely breakfast (millet, butter and honey), reading a book on Vaccinations, watching some You-Tube videos and then having a bath.

It has been nice... yet I feel the weight of everything that I want to and don't have time to do pressing down on me and I tend to think that I'm wasting my time... letting it slip through my fingers when I could be up and about accomplishing, something...

Well, I suppose the day isn't over yet and I just need to get up and clean the house a bit. I've got plans to hang around with my cousins today so that ought to be nice... :)

SG

Dandelion Wine

Dandelion Wine my friend lent me this book and I've been slowly tasting Ray Bradbury's words for the past few weeks.

It is rich with descriptive adjectives, in fact at times each sentence is like taking a slow sip of summer, and thus the reason that this book is a good one to read at the beginning of summer... but then I would like to think that it could be a good reminder of the full bodied summer air, laden with fresh perfumes, in the middle of winter.

I know I've not written on here for a long time, haven't kept up with anyone's blog and basically disappeared from the face of the planet... well I've had a lot to sort out.

I've got a job, it's going well... though admittedly doesn't pay much. I've finally got the divorce papers that I've been working on finished. My house is a mess, cause' the kids are home for summer... but I'm surviving, that's what matters isn't it? :)

Hopefully I will be able to eek out a bit of a life here in a bit... I really want to return to writing. What? I'm not sure. I guess I should just write whatever comes to mind. :)

Hope you are all surviving out there.

SG

Finding my Why?

I had a meeting with the bishop on Wednesday and he made a suggestion that I find my why? Why do I get up in the morning? Why do I go to work? What makes me tick? What makes me happy?

The obvious why's are my children. I get up and go to work so that they will have some of their needs met, I try to be a better person and a better mother because I want them to be happy.

The less obvious why's are actually the things that I push down when I get stressed or too busy. Those have to do with writing, with researching health topics, with exercising a bit, plus taking photographs just for the thrill of capturing something precious and beautiful... and I love books that make me think, not about difficult issues but more philosophically about life and love and happiness.

I have things that I want to be able to do, like draw really well, paint... learn Spanish... really those are things that I keep wishing that I could incorporate into my life... but they are why's that take more focus than I can give them at the moment.

and that is how I work, I cannot concentrate on a multitude of interests at the same time... I really like to put a lot of energy into one thing at a time, savor it, embrace and become a part of it... if there is too much information I feel fractured and lost and drained. Though I can handle things if I compartmentalize them and prioritize them... I know, sounds like a guy... I can multitask when it comes to menial things, but for my passionate why's, I like to focus...

Anyway, my head hurts a tich from trying to see through a contact prescription that is slightly too low... I lost one contact from my new pair so I had to revert to these because I haven't ordered any new ones yet... grrrr... my finances frustrate me sometimes...

Well, have a good night blog world.

~SG