Thursday, May 10, 2012

Scarlet Pimpernel

I've only heard bits and pieces about the Scarlet Pimpernel, my friend Sorina says it's her favorite play. Here are a coupld of the songs she mentioned to me along with a Wiki link about the work.

Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scarlet_Pimpernel

Where's the Girl
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNVZkYyyoCU

Falcon in the Dive
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbY_RMGwEzQ


Sunday, May 6, 2012

Becoming Stronger

Yesterday was really hard for me. I have a blog but don't really write here much of what happens in my life, fear of judgement perhaps, protection for those I love as well...

After I had "broken up with," Sam, and before the divorce was final I met two guys. One online AP,  and one that I worked with DZ.

The divorce was a foregone thing, the holdup in getting it finalized was getting Sam to actually sign the papers. However meeting two guys, who I was really fond of and who were very fond of me, and trying to recover from a divorce was brutal on me.

I was terribly mixed up, stressed out and hurt those who loved me and myself. That's why I have been so silent within the blogging world.

I've never really "dated" anyone. It seems that my relationships go from "Hi, you're pretty" to "let's get married," before I know what's what. However I have loved, and I love deeply. I was married to Sam or 14 years and I loved him every day and hurt all the time. It wasn't a simple thing, loving him. He hurt me through ignorance quite often, he simply didn't know how to love me right, love = sex to him, that is not how I work. He hurt me through anger, anger that would build up and then explode with outbursts and irrational edicts for the kids. He also hurt me through hurting my kids, hitting and beating on K, sometimes smacking A and K hands with a belt. A was hurt indirectly through him beating on K and through Sams attempted molestation. How badly she was hurt I can only try to comprehend. The very thought of what has happened to my kids makes me scream at times.

So it's hard for me to simply move forward, even if I love someone.

AP has taken a lot of flack from me, a lot of pain. He still loves me, I'm grateful for that.

AP is easier for me to understand, when I'm actually with him. We get distant with the distance. But when I'm with him I'm reminded me of how I used to be when I was younger, spontaneous, ridiculous and happy. He's not here yet, but I hope that our relationship will continue to develop in the same way when he comes.

DZ, and I have a lot in common. Similar pain points while growing up, similar interests and inclinations, rock hunting, mountains, nature, books... however disparate in our sense of humor and too similar at finding fault with ourselves. I hate how much I hurt him, I didn't want to. There where some things that I didn't like in him that I would have found really hard to leave alone... Love should and is about loving someone in spite of the little things that bother and irritate. The relationship wasn't good for me, nor do I believe that it was good for DZ.

That's why yesterday was hard for me. I was hurting over a song DZ had sent me through a blog post comment, I felt blamed, and I felt bad. I went to talk to him, the first time I've seen him in quite some time. He's got a girlfriend now, she appreciates his jokes, she is very pretty... she seems to have taken the edge off of his pain. I feel better now, he really meant to say to me that things will be alright. I will take that explanation.

I have hope that with AP, I will find happiness. I smile when I think of the time we've spent together, how he will go off on silly tangents (pretending to be the Pink Panther). He thinks of ways that we're going to teach the kids correct things in life, good habits. He is a really good, really spiritual guy. I love him very much, he makes me want to be a better person. :)

As for myself, I'm on a journey to become the person that I've always wanted to be. I'm going to keep going...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

From Les Mes!

Learn this: joy is not only joyous; it is great.

But be in love gayly then, what the deuce! Marry, when you marry, with fever and giddiness, and tumult, and the uproar of happiness! Be grave in church, well and good.

But, as soon as the mass is finished, sarpejou! you must make a dream whirl around the bride. A marriage should be royal and chimerical; it should promenade its ceremony from the cathedral of Rheims to the pagoda of Chanteloup.

I have a horror of a paltry wedding. Ventregoulette! be in Olympus for that one day, at least. Be one of the gods.

My friends, every recently made bridegroom ought to be Prince Aldobrandini. Profit by that unique minute in life to soar away to the empyrean with the swans and the eagles, even if you do have to fall back on the morrow into the bourgeoisie of the frogs.

Don't economize on the nuptials, do not prune them of their splendors; don't scrimp on the day when you beam. The wedding is not the housekeeping. Oh! If I were to carry out my fancy, it would be gallant; violins would be heard under the trees.

Here is my programme: sky−blue and silver. I would mingle with the festival the rural divinities; I would convoke the Dryads and the Nereids. The nuptials of Amphitrite, a rosy cloud, nymphs with well dressed locks and entirely naked, an Academician offering quatrains to the goddess, a chariot drawn by marine monsters.

"Triton trottait devant, et tirait de sa conque Des sons si ravissants qu'il ravissait quiconque!"[65]
−−there's a festive programme, there's a good one, or else I know nothing of such matters, deuce take it!"
[65]

"Triton trotted on before, and drew from his conch−shell sounds so ravishing that he delighted
everyone!" 

The night of the 16th to the 17th of February, 1833, was a blessed night. Above its shadows heaven stood open. It was the wedding night of Marius and Cosette.
The day had been adorable.
It had not been the grand festival dreamed by the grandfather, a fairy spectacle, with a confusion of cherubim and Cupids over the heads of the bridal pair, a marriage worthy to form the subject of a painting to be placed over a door; but it had been sweet and smiling.

Thoughts on Faith

What is the difference between living in seeming reality and the reality of the Spirit of God?

One difference is that whereas without faith I would think of myself and what I accomplish in a very divisive way. What I am doing at work is not good enough, I am not measuring up. What I am doing is more than what others would do, I am better than them, but I'm trying too hard, what I do isn't important and not recognized.

Without being dedicated to the Lord I feel no obligation to reach beyond the place where I currently am, I don't feel there is something more that I'm not reaching for. Doing for others without regard for our own personal interest.

Whatever I have to accomplish it is up to me, I cannot say "It will happen because the Lord is with me, he is blessing me." The feeling that I cannot fail is not there, there is so much doubt. Doubt in my abilities... yet sometimes there is doubt when I am relying upon the Lord, what if what I want to accomplish is not what the Lord wants for me? That means that my efforts will come to not if it is the Lords will. In some ways it is giving up my will, it's sometimes harder to decide what I want to try to do.

Commitment to God that does not ebb and flow with the commitments and the crises of our lives.

I've felt that I am not good enough, subordinate skills, jealousy of what other people have been able to do.

How is believing in God different in believing in Santa Clause? Perhaps we try an experiment to see if people when given an artificial "god" would record the same benefits as from believing in God. Perhaps we set up a belief by telling them that they can receive anything that they ask for, and then show them instances where others have asked and received. Where they have to be "good" or they will not get what they wan and then delve into what being good entails. Will it work? Is a belief in a power beyond what we normally experience enough to make the following of proscribed dogmas efficacious? Or does there have to be something more, reality. What is reality? To me it is an act or wisdom that when followed will cause a consistent and universal result. For me there is absolutely a reality of intuitive back to basics eating. Our bodies simply do better when we understand and feed them what they need. Within that realm though there are basic requirements and then there are specialized requirements for what is best for me to eat. However there is no room for eating things that were not meant (or ideal) for human consumption. Perhaps we cannot see the result of eating improperly right away, but gradually we will see a decline in health and mental ability. Thus too, there are basic requirements that our body needs, enrichment from spiritual truth.

8/20/2018

I no longer feel that I can have faith in a specific god. I do believe in faith, but not particularly in the god that I was raised with. This is information that would hurt some of my family so I've kept it under wraps but I logically cannot continue a belief in the god of my youth.

SG

Yesterdays Gone

Today's 3.5 hour day (the remaining amount needed for 40 hours) has turned into a full day, from 11:00 AM to almost 11:00 PM!!

Sometimes I really dislike being the one in charge...

My position here at Adobe is a bit tentative... supposedly it could become permanent, I could soon be leading a team of 3 at the Orem office and off to train a team of x number temps in India. OR I could be leading a larger team in Orem and then a team in India... It all depends upon the terms that my manager is able to get from her boss.

The issues for me are slightly more complicated. The system we started out using has proven to be a big hindrance in some ways, though useful in some ways...

My dilemmas, well... I feel like I need to be the one to make this all work. I keep trying and trying to get this process smoothed out and set right but it seems that dilemmas keep creeping in. Today I discovered that if we don't review everything that we've loaded into the system, we could potentially have multiple parents in our files that we don't know about (multiple parents for 1 customer record). What that means is more time sorting through 1 company; we have hundreds of companies to get through!

I really want to write up scenarios behind all of the issues we are facing as a team so that I can explain them to the broader team but I am finding that my time is being eaten away by trying to fix the issues that are cropping up within my own files. The broader IT team in general has no idea what our process is now which needs to be amended before they will be able to understand how to help us.

One thing that is a big hindrance to me is my communication skills. At some points of time I am quite apt at communication, at others (around certain times of the month) I am TERRIBLE I just can't concentrate when a sea of raging hormones starts dancing around in my body, it is so frustrating!

It helps when my friend Robert is on the ball; he's a fairly good communicator, my IT contact that has helped me to create the current process our team is using. He created macros to use wild cards to search for the data we need to evaluate. Robert can talk a lot, and he interrupts me at times during meetings, but I forgive him because he usually interrupts with points that I am missing. He's been in the corporate world longer than I have and understands the business better. I am sometimes narrow minded as to why the issues we are facing should matter to the larger business community. My point is that these problems irritate me and the team and then that they hinder us from accomplishing our goals. He usually stays focused on the big picture of accomplishing this extremely important goal of hierarchy creation (at least that's the whole point of many peoples jobs here). I'm starting to get it now, but I wish I didn't have to go through this painful adaptation process where I stumble around and look quite foolish trying to explain things.

Robert is the most professional guy that I've ever worked with, straightforward, very respectful, very encouraging. He tells me that I'm a superstar and thanks everyone very sincerely when we are in meetings for their participation and for the good job we all do. Such good manners, I really like him.

Other members of the team are my good friends. They contribute quite a bit to our goals, I really appreciate them... but then it seems that I'm the one that identifies issues that need fixed, and it's hard for me to stay on top of team training when I'm working on everything else.

In any case, this has been the perfect job for me. I might sound like I'm complaining but I'm not, I LOVE developing processes, making things work, smoothing things out.

Whew

I will feel relived if/when my job becomes permanent. I will get health insurance, paid vacation time, paid holidays! YAY!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Some memories...

Today's 3.5 hour day (the remaining amount needed for 40 hours) has turned into a full day, from 11:00 AM to almost 11:00 PM!!

Sometimes I really dislike being the one in charge...

My position here at Adobe is a bit tentative... supposedly it could become permanent, I could soon be leading a team of 3 at the Orem office and off to train a team of x number temps in India. OR I could be leading a larger team in Orem and then a team in India... It all depends upon the terms that my manager is able to get from her boss.

The issues for me are slightly more complicated. The system we started out using has proven to be a big hinderance in some ways, though useful in some ways...

My dillemas, well... I feel like I need to be the one to make this all work. I keep trying and trying to get this process smoothed out and set right but it seems that dillemas keep creeping in. Today I discovered that if we don't review everything that we've loaded into the system, then we could potentially have multiple parents in our files that we don't know about (multiple parents for 1 customer record). What that means is more time sorting through 1 company, we have hundreds of companies to get through!

I really want to write up scenarios behind all of the issues we are facing as a team so that I can explain them to the broader team but I am finding that my time is being eatten away by trying to fix the issues that are cropping up within my own files. The broader IT team in general has no idea what our process is now which needs to be amended before they will be able to understand how to help us.

One thing that is a big hinderance to me is my communication skills. At some points of time I am quite apt at communication, at others (around certain times of the month) I am TERRIBLE I just can't concentrate when a sea of raging hormones starts dancing around in my body, it is so frustrating!

It helps when my friend Robert is on the ball, he's a fairly good communicator, my IT contact that has helped me to create the current process our team is using. He created macros to use wild cards to search for the data we need to evaluate. Robert can talk a lot, and he interupts me at times during meetings, but I forgive him because he usually interupts with points that I am missing. He's been in the corporate world longer than I have and understands the business better. I am sometimes narrow minded as to why the issues we are facing should matter to the larger business community. My point is that these probelms irritate me and the team and then that they hinder us from accomplishing our goals. He usully stays focused on the big picture of accomplishing this extremely important goal of hierarchy creation (at least that's the whole point of many peoples jobs here). I'm starting to get it now, but I wish I didn't have to go through this painful adaptation process where I stumble around and look quite foolish trying to explain things.

Robert is the most professional guy that I've ever worked with. Straightforward, very respectful, very encouraging. He tells me that I'm a superstar and thanks everyone very sincerly when we are in meetings for their participation and for the good job we all do. Such good manners, I really like him.

Other members of the team are my good friends. They contribute quite a bit to our goals, I really appreciate them... but then it seems that I'm the one that identifies issues that need fixed, and it's hard for me to stay on top of team training when I'm working on everything else.

In any case, this has been the perfect job for me. I might sound like I'm complaining but I'm not, I LOVE developing processes, making things work, smoothing things out.

Whew

I will feel relived if/when my job becomes permanent. I will get health insurance, paid vacation time, paid holidays! YAY!

Other thoughts, what has led me to this point in my life? I'm waiting for my fiance to gain experience in his job field by working in India and I'm waiting for him to send me the documentation that I need to be able to apply for a I-129F visa for him. This time of being apart, him in India, me in the US with 12 hours difference (give or take a half hour) is challenging. We don't get to talk much, I get VERY lonely. In fact lonely enough to think of wanting to snuggle with someone nearby, even with Sam. I talk myself out of that really quick though, such foolish thoughts, so selfish of me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being foolish in this, waiting around for someone I've known mostly from the inadequate medium of the internet and phone conversations. The time that I spent with him last year, in Feb and then in Dec was very nice, very reassuring.

I will describe my experiences and thoughts. In February, I arrived in Brisbane right after Australia had experienced a great deal of flooding. AP and I stayed at the flat he shared with his room mates, I borrowed his room mates hair dryer. :)

I was really shy at first, and quite shocked to actually meet him. In fact quite hesitant to resume talking normally with him. Soon enough though we were able to talk, and joke around. I remember driving in his friends dingy little car, I thought it smelled weird. It was quite disorienting to be driving on the wrong side of the road (in my mind). I'm glad AP drove everywhere. We spent most of our time at the apartment/flat talking through things, going for walks to talk some more and in meeting people. We went to a church activity which was interesting because Mormons act the same way in Australia that they do here (basically). It was a pot-luck and each family had brought their specialty to share with the Ward. Jell-o Salads and such abounded. It was a rowdy family affair designed as a "get to know you" for the ward. So I got to slide around introducing myself to the members of the Inagra ward. Strangely AP disappeared and I was a bit annoyed that he did because I was left alone introducing myself to people who sometimes didn't even know APhimself...

We went to the top of mount Kootha to see the stars at night. I could tell that AP was going to propose. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, "No" it's too soon, I'm not sure, I really need to date more people. That's the idea that had been in my head from the beginning. But I felt calm with AP, he was reassuring, positive, and patient. I broke down at one point when I first arrived and started crying, I was overwhelmed, and it was the week before my period which always makes me over emotional. I had doubts in my mind about myself that had been there since the divorce and all the struggles I had gone through since. AP stood me up, looked at me straight in the eyes and told me that I am much better than I was giving myself credit for. That he believed in me, that I could make it. Other people have told me the same things, but then I've heard negativity about other people from them, their words never stuck because of the continual barrage on other peoples characters. Ajey never did or does that, he is positive, tells it straight. IF someone is in the wrong or has behaved poorly he calls that behavior out. He is fair.

So at the top of mount Kootha, I smoothed over the awkwardness of not getting to climb to the lookout where another couple was standing and accepted his ring, became engaged.

We visited with AP's friends from Saudi Arabia the next day, in fact we spent the day with them. They were very sweet and gave me flowers, chocolates and a card to congratulate us on our engagement. We then went to the Australia zoo/Steve Irwin shrine together. That was quite fun. I really loved the couples sweet little kids. After the zoo we went to the Gold Coast and walked along the beach, it was very nice to kick off my shoes and walk along the shore. I didn't have a swimming suit with me, but that was OK. AP's friend swam with his kids, his wife stayed on the beach reading.

APtook pictures of me, I love how they look, I look very natural.

We visited a sea food restaurant afterwords, that was more than I had bargained for. I ordered the sea food platter and literally got a large bowl of shrimp and other sea food and something like 6 large prawns in their shells! I didn't know what else to do but dig in, so that's what I did.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Lovely Day :)

Several lovely things happened today. I'm listening to some delightfully done audio books while working through some files and participated in a call with the sales team which highlighted some of the benefits of the process I've helped to develop.

"The Hobbit!" I love the way the reader of the book modified his speach to match who was talking, it made it very enjoyable to listen to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7jYQFTV7EM

Now "The Lord of The Rings" it's so delightfully done, here is a link to the You Tube series that I've been listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1Rt_usiJgo

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Nice Sunday Afternoon

Today has been a nice day, relaxing. It has been a bit cold and rainy outside as of late so it's nice that today has been fair and clear. I've had a nice long nap... :)

Friday and Saturday were a wash for me as I spent them putting in some extra hours at work. Basically matching up data that will make our process run smoother in the future. I'm not yet sure if it was worth it.

My manager is coming on Tuesday from San Jose. Her boss will be here as well and our whole team gets to meet her. This should be interesting...

My manager wants everyone to tell about the different ways that they have contributed to the team. For the most part everyone on the team has had special assignments, all except one team member. She is going through a tough time at the moment, a nasty divorce and breast cancer. So I've not assigned much to her, just basic duties. She was the first one to try out the new process that Robert and I developed though, she's taken off with it and cranked out a bunch of hierarchies. My worry is that she's not careful in what she does, she could potentially have a lot to do in backtracking during the validation phase that I've just worked out.

All will work out though.

I've decided to join the vast masses who have read "The Hunger Games," I just started reading it. if I didn't have other demands on my time I would read it straight through, the dystopian setting is very intriguing. The main character Katniss is quite appealing, strongly attached to her little sister, upset at her mother for having "checked out" after her fathers death. Also an excellent hunter, someone who could hopefully last through the murderous "Hunger Games."

In fact, I'm off to read a bit more...

~Annie

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Feels Like Today - Almost Every Day (Until I blink)

What has life really been like lately? It's hard to convey that through the written word. I'm constantly looking to improve my world, sometimes that keeps me going on a treadmill because it's never going to be "enough." I realize that but it doesn't stop me from the continual process of improvement. I guess that's OK at least it means that I have something to think about each day.

Some of the things I'm most proud of recently are from my efforts at work. My temp contract "might" be (probably will be) extended until December. Ironically we (the team and I) never really accomplished the goals that were originally set out for us. However, through observation and effort we've found ways to get to the core of what the company really wants. In fact this has mostly come about from a suggestion that my manager made to change our focus from "enriching entities" which are a subset of each company we are working on to focusing on the entire company, creating a complete picture of that company.

Here is where my incredibly irksome habits/tendencies have actually been beneficial for someone (including me). What I mean is that I am detail oriented to pain points at times. That and I have the ability to see a big picture, or direction where others see chaos. So I took the task in hand of creating an entirely new process and kept at it, kept asking questions, asking for tools... all with this framework of what I knew we needed and eventually (just recently) a member of the IT team has assigned himself to work with me (because our project effects his year end project) and we now have (thanks to his brilliance with writing VBA code) an all encompassing process which is efficient, accurate and comprehensive.

As to the staying on for another 6 months... I'm debating it actually, the pay is good... but as a temp I don't receive benefits so making a good pay is a liability to me as far as benefits go (Medicaid). Soooo.... to stay or to leave, that is the question.

As far as other things in my life. I'm progressively healing (I hope) my digestive system. I'm (trying to) follow the GAPS Diet. I've followed similar dietary strictures for a while now so it's not that hard to adapt to the diet. My weakness is Chocolate sweetened with malitol.... theoretically I shouldn't be eating it. Otherwise I'm eating lots of Chicken Soup (with out rice or noodles) and trying to follow the introduction diet, but it's hard. (I don't have a lot of time to prepare food and/or study up on what I should be eating and/or planning meals) so I'm having a hard time. I wish someone could do the planning for me, I'm so busy...

One really good thing is that my Ex-Husband is working in Hawaii. That means he's not around as much to disturb my relationship with my kids. The bad thing is that I don't have the time like I said to plan like I should so that they get a variety of different meals. They're lucky to get what they do get... They feel deprived so when Sam comes around and takes them out to fast food restaurants and etc... they love it! I don't know what to do about that, I'll just keep trying my best.

Today's been a bit tough, I was tired at work so I  came home to take a nap and finished out the workday from home. It's late now, and I've gotta go pick up my little one... so I'm off.

~Annie

Monday, March 26, 2012

Avalanche, Weariness

I didn't sleep well last night, something kept me awake though I didn't feel any particular urgency about anything, just restlessness. This morning I awoke to 60+ MPH winds outside, I got up and shut the window and then attempted to sleep a bit more.


I dutifully got up and dressed, then drove away attempting to get to work. I dropped off Little R and got a few blocks in the direction of work when I decided to turn around as I was too tired to keep going.

So I came back home, informed my boss that I was too tired to come into work and attempted to sleep (again). I got a bit of rest, not the deep restorative kind, but a light kind of rest, then fired up the computer to work a bit from home.

So that's been my day, attempting sleep, bleary eyed work and some stumbling here and there, cleaning this and that.

In theory I should get to bed early so that I can wake up early, get done with work (early) then come home in order to take care of my kids...

Usually it's the other way around, go to bed late, wake up late, get to work late, come home late, get dinner made (late) then on and on ad nauseum....

Whenever I try to change that pattern something or other occurs to set me back. Either I can't sleep well, or I get sick or the kids keep me up, or I stay up trying to catch up in order to be ready for the next day.

Arrgh

I am starting to get better at some aspects of life, but others are still... challenging...

One interesting thing that I'm going to try out this year is the idea of a garden that is more like what God does out in nature, a simple concept where you keep adding wood chips (from tree trimmers) to a garden plot and the chips retain moisture and keep weeds out. The layers build up over time, the lower layers breaking down and becoming rich fertile soil, the new layers making a pleasant surface to work from and plant into.

There's a film online called "Back to Eden Film" that describes all about the method, it's a beautiful thing. :)

Sometimes the simplest methods work the best.

Poem About Weariness

If I close my eyes, am I closer to God? Is my spirit in a different realm? Am I safe?

If I focus on today, can I forget the follies of yesterday? Can I forget those stupid mistakes, if I no longer see the suffering they've caused? Or shudder from embarrassment from my mistakes.

If you forgive me, is my conscience clear? Especially when forever I know the duplicity of my behavior in the past.

Is torture any less cruel when it is inflicted from within?

If I close my eyes, will this sadness go away?

If I could only get enough sleep... perhaps tomorrow would be full of clarity, less errors.

Between stimulus and action is a choice, chaos is an avalanche of stimulus, a neglect of conscious choices... choices by default... I hate that.

~Annie