Yesterday was really hard for me. I have a blog but don't really write here much of what happens in my life, fear of judgement perhaps, protection for those I love as well...
After I had "broken up with," Sam, and before the divorce was final I met two guys. One online AP, and one that I worked with DZ.
The divorce was a foregone thing, the holdup in getting it finalized was getting Sam to actually sign the papers. However meeting two guys, who I was really fond of and who were very fond of me, and trying to recover from a divorce was brutal on me.
I was terribly mixed up, stressed out and hurt those who loved me and myself. That's why I have been so silent within the blogging world.
I've never really "dated" anyone. It seems that my relationships go from "Hi, you're pretty" to "let's get married," before I know what's what. However I have loved, and I love deeply. I was married to Sam or 14 years and I loved him every day and hurt all the time. It wasn't a simple thing, loving him. He hurt me through ignorance quite often, he simply didn't know how to love me right, love = sex to him, that is not how I work. He hurt me through anger, anger that would build up and then explode with outbursts and irrational edicts for the kids. He also hurt me through hurting my kids, hitting and beating on K, sometimes smacking A and K hands with a belt. A was hurt indirectly through him beating on K and through Sams attempted molestation. How badly she was hurt I can only try to comprehend. The very thought of what has happened to my kids makes me scream at times.
So it's hard for me to simply move forward, even if I love someone.
AP has taken a lot of flack from me, a lot of pain. He still loves me, I'm grateful for that.
AP is easier for me to understand, when I'm actually with him. We get distant with the distance. But when I'm with him I'm reminded me of how I used to be when I was younger, spontaneous, ridiculous and happy. He's not here yet, but I hope that our relationship will continue to develop in the same way when he comes.
DZ, and I have a lot in common. Similar pain points while growing up, similar interests and inclinations, rock hunting, mountains, nature, books... however disparate in our sense of humor and too similar at finding fault with ourselves. I hate how much I hurt him, I didn't want to. There where some things that I didn't like in him that I would have found really hard to leave alone... Love should and is about loving someone in spite of the little things that bother and irritate. The relationship wasn't good for me, nor do I believe that it was good for DZ.
That's why yesterday was hard for me. I was hurting over a song DZ had sent me through a blog post comment, I felt blamed, and I felt bad. I went to talk to him, the first time I've seen him in quite some time. He's got a girlfriend now, she appreciates his jokes, she is very pretty... she seems to have taken the edge off of his pain. I feel better now, he really meant to say to me that things will be alright. I will take that explanation.
I have hope that with AP, I will find happiness. I smile when I think of the time we've spent together, how he will go off on silly tangents (pretending to be the Pink Panther). He thinks of ways that we're going to teach the kids correct things in life, good habits. He is a really good, really spiritual guy. I love him very much, he makes me want to be a better person. :)
As for myself, I'm on a journey to become the person that I've always wanted to be. I'm going to keep going...
After I had "broken up with," Sam, and before the divorce was final I met two guys. One online AP, and one that I worked with DZ.
The divorce was a foregone thing, the holdup in getting it finalized was getting Sam to actually sign the papers. However meeting two guys, who I was really fond of and who were very fond of me, and trying to recover from a divorce was brutal on me.
I was terribly mixed up, stressed out and hurt those who loved me and myself. That's why I have been so silent within the blogging world.
I've never really "dated" anyone. It seems that my relationships go from "Hi, you're pretty" to "let's get married," before I know what's what. However I have loved, and I love deeply. I was married to Sam or 14 years and I loved him every day and hurt all the time. It wasn't a simple thing, loving him. He hurt me through ignorance quite often, he simply didn't know how to love me right, love = sex to him, that is not how I work. He hurt me through anger, anger that would build up and then explode with outbursts and irrational edicts for the kids. He also hurt me through hurting my kids, hitting and beating on K, sometimes smacking A and K hands with a belt. A was hurt indirectly through him beating on K and through Sams attempted molestation. How badly she was hurt I can only try to comprehend. The very thought of what has happened to my kids makes me scream at times.
So it's hard for me to simply move forward, even if I love someone.
AP has taken a lot of flack from me, a lot of pain. He still loves me, I'm grateful for that.
AP is easier for me to understand, when I'm actually with him. We get distant with the distance. But when I'm with him I'm reminded me of how I used to be when I was younger, spontaneous, ridiculous and happy. He's not here yet, but I hope that our relationship will continue to develop in the same way when he comes.
DZ, and I have a lot in common. Similar pain points while growing up, similar interests and inclinations, rock hunting, mountains, nature, books... however disparate in our sense of humor and too similar at finding fault with ourselves. I hate how much I hurt him, I didn't want to. There where some things that I didn't like in him that I would have found really hard to leave alone... Love should and is about loving someone in spite of the little things that bother and irritate. The relationship wasn't good for me, nor do I believe that it was good for DZ.
That's why yesterday was hard for me. I was hurting over a song DZ had sent me through a blog post comment, I felt blamed, and I felt bad. I went to talk to him, the first time I've seen him in quite some time. He's got a girlfriend now, she appreciates his jokes, she is very pretty... she seems to have taken the edge off of his pain. I feel better now, he really meant to say to me that things will be alright. I will take that explanation.
I have hope that with AP, I will find happiness. I smile when I think of the time we've spent together, how he will go off on silly tangents (pretending to be the Pink Panther). He thinks of ways that we're going to teach the kids correct things in life, good habits. He is a really good, really spiritual guy. I love him very much, he makes me want to be a better person. :)
As for myself, I'm on a journey to become the person that I've always wanted to be. I'm going to keep going...
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