Common Sense

I wish it was easier for me to talk to my kids. Sometimes I'm very concerned about the choices they are making and I would like to talk to them about it, share my life experiences, but I end up tongue tied.

For instance, was introduced to a new way of thinking about monogamy, or actually it is an old way to think about it, from the book "Assassin's Apprentice."

"Soldiers and sailors whore around. It's a common way for common folk. But not for royalty. Or for anyone with a bit of pride... It's fine to fall in love, Fitz, and no one begrudges a young woman or man a kiss or two... Traders bring pretty girls or well made youths to the market like so many chickens or so many potatoes. And the children they end up bearing may have names, but they don't have much else. And even when they marry, they don't stop their habits. If ever I find the right woman, I'll want her to know I won't be looking at another. And I'll want to know all my children are mine"

So in order to preserve your pride and to give your children a good upbringing you must be able to have self-control and temperance in your habits. Self respect and pride in yourself and your potential family.

This explanation is a less loaded than the religious explanation of "purity" as a reason for temperate behavior. In the one it is a matter of worthiness before "god" in the other a matter of worthiness of self and explanation for right behavior.

Following the rule of temperance due to self respect lends nobility to your actions, following the rule of "purity before god" lends an air of self righteous judgement to your actions. One is easy to defend, you have self respect and wish for a good life outcome. In the other the reasons may be the same but are harder to defend because the rationality is different.

I think that many things taught within religious scripts are good things but they obscure the essence of the thing making it a matter of following the rules set forth by an invisible god, rather than understanding that following certain rules or patterns of behavior will bring greater success than not.

Follow common sense principles to achieve success not a place in heaven. That certainly makes sense to me.

SG

Acknowledging That Writing is Hard

It is hard, trying to force ideas to come is difficult if not impossible at times. I think that the best way for me to generate ideas is to keep a notebook with me. When something comes to me I will write it down, this is something I have done in the past but if I don't take the time to transcribe my thoughts onto the computer then they will be lost to me in the pages of a notebook.

I do need to find balance, I want to be able to relax with my family and friends but I need to somehow carve out some time to write, otherwise I won't ever develop my talent in writing.

So yes, writing is hard but I want to learn, I've wanted to learn for a long time...

SG

Writing Assignment: The worst hotel I've stayed in

I've had a few chances to stay in hotels throughout the years and I've gotten used to them I suppose. They are sterile, with their generic artwork, industrial carpet, stiff sheets and pillows. Of course there's usually the obligatory air-conditioner under thick blinds that spews out frigid air scented with a twinge of cigarette smoke from previous guests who thought they could get away with smoking in the room. 

Generically hotel rooms are somewhat unpleasant. 

We stayed in a little podunk hotel in Kanab this summer, the shower and toilet were in a separate space from the sink, which was a result of poor design by the builders I think. The outside was designed to fit the historical image of American Trans-continental hostelry with fake wooden beams that were glued and tacked onto the outside of the place. The room was tiny, two full-sized beds masquerading as queen sized beds, set side by side in a space not much larger than the waiting room of a doctors office. They somehow managed a dresser with the obligatory television and mini refrigerator that whined in the middle of the night waking me from my uneasy sleep. The door was right up against the parking lot so we really depended on the thick curtains to protect our privacy. We didn't plan well for our overnight stay, so there we were, we made the best of it. 

A rather unexpected hotel was the one we stayed at in Ireland. We got off the plane in Dublin and exhausted, looked forward to finding a place to relax. My cousin Kathy was the one who had made all the travel arrangements so we trusted in her plan. Well off the plane, we hoped on a bus which took us down to the middle of Dublin where we un-boarded onto the thoroughfare. According to Kathy we were quite close to the hotel so we gathered our luggage as best we could and followed her like ducks in a row through the cobblestone lined streets of Dublin. Our luggage clacked along behind us as we went, jarring our arms and vibrating up into our heads. We passed through several intersections and our guide Kathy had us walking up one street and down another until we reached a door in the middle of an alleyway just past a small convenience store and across from a cafe. She pressed the buzzer under the glowing yellow sign emblazoned with a bumble bee and a voice on the other end told us to enter through the door that buzzed and clicked letting us know it had been unlocked. 

We opened up to narrow lobby and we all jammed in as best we could, a few were left out in the alley while our fearless leader discussed our rooms with the clerk in the lobby. After things were settled we made our way to a tiny elevator where a few jammed in and others waited to be taken up to our room. An accented voice declared which floor we had arrived on and with a ding we were let out of the death trap of an elevator. 

We arrived in a narrow hall and stairway, and followed that down until we found our rooms which ended up being rather like a small apartment, quite different than the hotels we were used to in the States. I found the corner of a dark room to unpack and freshen up and we all met together in the living room area which was next to a tiny kitchen and balcony. 

We all ended up really enjoying the view from our 3rd story window out over the middle of Dublin. We could see the university and the river and at night we heard the frequenters of the local bars singing, we might have imagined that last bit... ;)

In any case, this is my reminiscence from our trip, hotels in general are the same but sometimes you can be surprised. 

SG 

Eulogy of "The Snake Pit"

I went to the Farmers Market today, downtown Provo off of Center St. then I thought I should take a drive past the old neighborhood where I grew up.

Reams is gone, the cartoonish Scottish man in a Kilt is no longer standing sentinel on the corner. The corner where my cousin and I passed by on our walks down center street bare footed. The corner where the bag broke that held our zebra fish (we buried them in my strawberry garden and named them after members of the Greatful Dead).

I filled up at the Maverik station that is there now and then headed over to visit some old haunts. Noting along the way what has changed, who used to live where. Elizabeth, who's family moved to Alaska. The triplets, identical except for the moles on their faces. The corner where bees ran after me.

I came to a stop when the street I used to travel, which lead around the back of my home, circumnavigating "The Snake Pit" ended abruptly.

The "Snake Pit" is gone.

My sacred ground.

It's gone

I used to wonder at my Dad for stubbornly staying put at the duplex where I grew up. At times I would shout at him in my head in frustration, why are we staying here!! This place is a dump! My brother and I ruined the linoleum in the kitchen when we made it into our "Swimming Pool." The bathroom sub-floor was coming up (it was awful).

BUT

We had the freedom of the back yard. Through a magical hole in the fence we could climb into another world. The path would take us through the brambles and bushes, through the magnificent trees, to the "Fairy Valley" and our cat tree (a grand tree that marked the graves of kitties who had passed on). We could roll down the hills of the sand dunes, and revel in the grand hill that we could roll head over heals on in the summer and ski down in the winter (the hill wasn't as large as I make it out to be though).

We fed the fairies sugar, to invite their presence. We discovered patches of tulips, and snake grass. We made up stories about the cats "Casino" in the bushes, which they got to by following the "Cat Tunnels."

We made a pirate ship out of a piece of plywood thrown on some bushes. That was great fun!

The trees, stupid "Chinese Elms" and their "White Things" so called seeds of the "Chinese Elms." BUT we loved them despite it all. They grew so tall! I don't know how many times my brother got caught up in them and I had to run for my dad to get his ladder.

We had the BEST rope swing! We had a somewhat failed attempt at a zip line as well.

I was lulled to sleep at night by the sound of the wind rushing through the trees making their leaves dance and branches sway.

I ran into the woods when confused or frightened. When nothing made sense. I went there to grieve when I lost my pregnancies. I "buried" my babies there.

The Snake Pit is gone.

But it still lives in my heart.

My child self still skips through the woods, searching for home.

My adult self wishes I could give my children the same type of space. The world is getting crowded, I miss the simplicity of the woods. 

Books I want...

Dresden Files
Storm Front
Fool Moon
Grave Peril
Summer Knight
Death Masks
Blood Rites
Dead Beat
Proven Guilty
White Night
Small Favor
Turn Coat
Changes
Ghost Story
Cold Days
Skin Games

Brandon Sanderson Books

The Stormlight Archive
Mistborn
Elantris
Steelheart
Warbreaker
The Rithmatist

Riyria Chronicles

The Crown Tower
The Rose and the Thorn
The Death of Dulgath
Theft of Swords (contains The Crown Conspiracy and Avempartha)
Rise of Empire (contains Nyphron Rising and The Emerald Storm)
Heir of Novron (contains Wintertide and Percepliquis)

Annals of an introvert at work

July 17 in the year of our Lord 2017

A documentation of the struggles of an introvert. 

Now properly started out I can begin my tale. 

There is a great beast hovering beneath the surface of my exterior facade. It snaps and snarls as I go through my day pulling me inward, driving me to hide away from the outside world. 

In fact the tendency to hide is so great that if I had money enough to not have to work I would do just that. I would find a little space and curl up, doing as I pleased and avoiding interaction with others. 

My world would be narrow, I would feel safe, but at the same time claustrophobic. Enclosed with my thoughts, my thoughts would trap me. 

The paradise of solitude would become a torture. 

Thankfully (though I'm not always thankful) I have to go to work where I am persistently bombarded with requests to interact with others. To push past the boundaries which I have set for myself, past my comfort zone. 

My mind is constantly chanting "no, no, no." The discomfort grows in my stomach, my chest... my head hurts, I want to cry... I want to hide.

But I put on a happy face. I speak to others even though I would like to hide. I listen when I want to retreat. I venture to someone's desk, to talk to them even though I am much more comfortable hiding at my own. 

Thus is how it is for an introvert like me. 

At odd moments though when I have managed to break past my fears, I find that I enjoy speaking with other people and getting to know them. 

It is an effort, but there is a reward. That is what I seek in my travels through life.

SG

Why I love rainbows

A rainbow is a shaft of hope, a reminder that pure unadulterated color exists, in a world of dimmer hues.

On a grey day the sighting of a beautiful rainbow can touch childish emotions that we may have forgotten in our day to day adult lives.

Revered as harbingers of Gods love, a promise that the floods would end and that the sun would shine again.

We've always held out hope that these shining beacons of light can point our way to unimaginable stores of gold.

To me they are phantoms of wonder. They make my heart quicken, I am always struck by a sense of awe every time I spy a rainbow. 

My Struggles, My Guilty Conscience

There are a lot of things going through my head right now. I think my childhood looked to be pretty conventional, I had a Mom and Dad, older brother, younger brothers and little sister. What isn't conventional is the inner turmoil I've felt throughout life for things to be in order. My older brother has autism, this has always necessitated a certain amount of extra work for my mother. She started working when I was little and she would come home really tired. I felt a certain amount of responsibility to try and make things easier for her. Clean the house so that she wouldn't be stressed out, help with dinner.

Through the years as I've grown and made certain choices in my life, I've felt a sense of responsibility to do the best that I could with the circumstances that I've been given. I was a young mother and my husband made choices that led to many difficulties for me. We lived with my parents for a time because we were very poor, I lived with debilitating depression. I felt a sense of dread when I was in that situation, I wanted to fix things, all of my siblings were still at home and I felt like I was adding a burden to my parents that was unfair to them. I felt a great deal of guilt. So I worked hard, I went to school and I tried very hard to make due with the amount of money my husband made so that we could move out of my parents home. I was in school for a long time, my mother watched my children and my sister has helped with them even when she was very young.

I've always had some amount of inner conflict about the amount of control I had over my kids schedules and what they were watching on TV and/or the amount of video games that they played with my brothers. I wanted to be this shining, perfect mother and I've had to compromise in order to become educated. My relationship with my husband was complicated as well, I wanted to be the perfect wife, I wanted to have a stable, happy family. But I had to let those ideals go when it was clear that my husband was abusive and had abused my sister and my daughter. If only I had realized sooner! I wish I could say I would have been able to leave sooner but I know that I didn't have the support or resources I needed to leave.

Now when I go to my parents I still feel a sense of responsibility. I feel a bit of guilt and unease. For one thing, my siblings all are still living at home, it's a frustrating situation because there is a reason for the extended adolescence of my siblings (autism, ADHD, medical issues) but also I can see that my siblings are fighting to get an education as well and that gives me hope. But the strain that it has taken on my parents is difficult to see. Also the state of our family home induces guilt and shame in me.

It's a story of an interconnected chain of events that has led to a difficult situation. My father won't stand up and be the leader of the family, in a way he can't because what is there for him to be in charge of? All of us are adults. My angel mother still works every day and is trying to repair her home but the task is so great, there is so much to do and she is getting older. She has been in charge of our holidays and traditions and it has taken a toll on her. I wish I could swoop in, clean house, fix things and give her the rest she deserves... but I've only got a limited amount of physical, mental and emotional energy to spare.

I guess I'm feeling frustrated tonight.

SG 

Fight or Flight

It is easy to lose sight

Sometimes life can be overwhelming, many things can happen at once and be they good or bad in the moment the instinct is to handle all that is happening and do what you can to move forward.

There are patterns to life that repeat and sometimes the patterns are self-destructive.

Sometimes it takes a while for the flight or fight instinct to be turned off after dealing with trauma. Self-preservation is a strong instinct, to a certain extent it can show up in the patterns of our behavior. For instance, the stereotypical child with a failure to launch. Staying with their parents instead of going out into the world to seek their fortunes. Our society has gotten used to this to a certain extent because there are so many young adults who are finding it difficult to make a start in life. The reasons for this societal change could be expounded on but I want to make a point that this failure to launch is an instinctual flight from the scary and harsh world. Fight on the other hand can manifest itself in as overwork, restless dis-satisfaction with how things are and can appear to be the more virtuous of the two courses of action. Both patterns of behavior can be beneficial or self-destructive depending on the circumstances. On the one hand, someone who is staying with their parents could actively be facing the reality of life and using the resources they have as part of a well-planned strategy to have the best chance in life… or they could be zoning out, trying to avoid life by one form of distraction or another. On the other hand someone who is fighting could be making strides towards their goals in a well thought out and balanced way or they could be working endlessly trying to reach some point that they can’t define and burn out isolating themselves from the wonderful things that life has to offer besides for achievement.

I tend towards the fight end of things and that is the mode that I’ve been in well for most of my life. Sometimes more intensely than at other times. I isolate myself from others and it really is difficult for me to put down the books so to speak (stop studying) and just live, do things with others, be cheerful and happy. Laugh at myself and at the absurdity of life. Cry. Develop close relationships, have pet names and be thoughtful towards other people.

Some Happenings

I got in touch with a long time blogger friend on Facebook this week. His poetry inspired my poetry when I was into writing almost every day many years ago, gosh it was almost 10 years ago. He closed his blog but we sort of kept in touch but I haven't heard from him for a while. It's sure good to see him posting his poetry on Facebook, i'm inspired again, I shall have to write again!

Yesterday was an adventure. A close friend of mine invited me out to dinner with his parents, no we are not dating and this wasn't the next step in a 'meet my significant other' sort of way. He's a good friend but more of a life coach than dating partner. His parents are business savvy and were giving me good advice career wise.

Here's the adventure. I decided to go up to Draper early to stop at "Pirate O's" an awesome store out there with things like pickle mints, and wax lips and other such delights. On my way up I passed by an accident on the freeway. There was a motorcyclist laid out flat on his stomach, I pray to God he is OK. That was a shock, everyone drove more carefully after passing that scene.