I have had far too little time to think, especially time to be myself. Sam has been here the past few days, in some ways that has been a good thing, now that I'm out of the eternal foggy haze that I was once in and I can handle his sense of humor. It used to hurt when he would run off and spend his whole day with his friends, sadly, that doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm actually grateful for him being around in some ways... he gets the kids to clean, gets them to cook with him, and he cleans stuff up himself. This has made me realise how impotent I am at commanding attention with my kids, it hurts, I can hardly get them to listen to me at all. I struggle against the tide of inaction every day, trying to battle the overwhelming job of keeping the house clean and the kids fed and I'm only paddling with one oar. Paddling harder has not gotten me anywhere. It is hard to get the kids help because I get them when they are tired. I get them when I come home from work at 6:00 PM more or less and I am tired. I get them when I've been running and running on a treadmill and can't seem to get off. I'm frustrated. Having him here, making things easier for me basically, with the kids anyway, makes me question why I'm fighting so hard to go at this alone. He's over in Hawaii, making big time money, at ease... and I'm struggling to breathe.
The last person I had a spiritual conection with was Ajey. He brought me back to the belief I was raised with. He prayed with me and that felt really good. I know that he would have been a good priesthood holder, he is a good priesthood holder in his own way, where he is at. I let go of his hand though, I had a hard time maintaining the connection while struggling through the quicksand over here. We were supposed to hold on, we were planning so much together, The vision became clouded. The very fact that I couldn't email him, or call, or text more than here and there turned his heart away from me. I could feel it. Plus, I couldn't send him stuff, I've had things in the trunk of my car many months, I've bought lots of chocolate many times over and had it melt in my car because I couldn't leave work to go to the post office and I didn't have enough money to mail it. Plus I seemed ungrateful, mostly because I'm so picky and for some reason if something doesn't resonate with me I have a hard time tactfully showing gratitude for the thoughtfulness. I killed his spirit when he sent me a very thoughtfully packed box of soaps and powders, and essential oils. I was glad when I got the box, it smelled like cotton candy, but I couldn't use many of the items so I probably came across as ungrateful. No I know I did and I hurt his feelings. It has been one long year where little hurts have led up to a great emptyness inside both of us. I miss our talks.
I'm having a hard time with the idea of dating. What am I supposed to do date a bunch of guys looking for someone I click with? I already have had that with several different people. I have a hard time because I care about people, I don't want them to care about me if I can't fully return that. I don't feel like making the effort to keep up new relationships when I have these broken ones I'm sad about.
I made an online dating profile, put in an honest essay about who I am. I got guys offering me dates, BUT, they didn't look like the type of guys who like to develop relationships... they looked like they were after a pretty girl, OK SEX, that's the vibe I got. The decent looking ones live far away (in a different state), AND I don't really feel up to explaining my strong health beliefs, or up to trying to get some stupid guy to accept that I have 4 kids. AND I am poor, I'm not a gold digger but it would be nice to have someone there working with me to get somewhere. PLUS I don't like explaining what has happened with Sam, nor do I like the fact that he intimidates other guys.
I'm hurting inside. I feel like a sex object. I would really like to be wrapped up in someones arms and told how much I am loved. I am a hurt little girl, too big to be held by her Dad. I've lost the feeling of having Gods protection and guidance. I don't know if by my own sins, or by my wounded soul. I'm tired of blaming myself, of beging for forgiveness, especially when it seems that I will become that object again, I will lose control of myself and allow and/or seek that glittering piece of love from whomever is offering it and will fall into that again. A moments bit of relief and connection. Sometimes I want to curl up tight in my closet, like I did when I was a little girl. I want to curl up and cry but I can't because I have to fight, tuck all those emotions away and go about the business of trying to struggle up the sand again, hoping to do something good for my kids even though it seems to not work. I feel like my job is to solve word problems all day and I just can't seem to get the hang of it well enough to get excited about figuring out new ways to do the processes. I'm surviving, I know somewhat, or mostly what I'm doing... but I'm also stifeled as well. I want to breathe. But I think the biggest part of the struggle with it is that I'm so tired. And Sad. And alone. I can get excited and driven about anything, if I feel supported and loved. Or I can become driven and self destructive, if I am trying to fight a battle of determination.
God forgive me for seeking tidbits of love. I need larger doses for sure.
The last person I had a spiritual conection with was Ajey. He brought me back to the belief I was raised with. He prayed with me and that felt really good. I know that he would have been a good priesthood holder, he is a good priesthood holder in his own way, where he is at. I let go of his hand though, I had a hard time maintaining the connection while struggling through the quicksand over here. We were supposed to hold on, we were planning so much together, The vision became clouded. The very fact that I couldn't email him, or call, or text more than here and there turned his heart away from me. I could feel it. Plus, I couldn't send him stuff, I've had things in the trunk of my car many months, I've bought lots of chocolate many times over and had it melt in my car because I couldn't leave work to go to the post office and I didn't have enough money to mail it. Plus I seemed ungrateful, mostly because I'm so picky and for some reason if something doesn't resonate with me I have a hard time tactfully showing gratitude for the thoughtfulness. I killed his spirit when he sent me a very thoughtfully packed box of soaps and powders, and essential oils. I was glad when I got the box, it smelled like cotton candy, but I couldn't use many of the items so I probably came across as ungrateful. No I know I did and I hurt his feelings. It has been one long year where little hurts have led up to a great emptyness inside both of us. I miss our talks.
I'm having a hard time with the idea of dating. What am I supposed to do date a bunch of guys looking for someone I click with? I already have had that with several different people. I have a hard time because I care about people, I don't want them to care about me if I can't fully return that. I don't feel like making the effort to keep up new relationships when I have these broken ones I'm sad about.
I made an online dating profile, put in an honest essay about who I am. I got guys offering me dates, BUT, they didn't look like the type of guys who like to develop relationships... they looked like they were after a pretty girl, OK SEX, that's the vibe I got. The decent looking ones live far away (in a different state), AND I don't really feel up to explaining my strong health beliefs, or up to trying to get some stupid guy to accept that I have 4 kids. AND I am poor, I'm not a gold digger but it would be nice to have someone there working with me to get somewhere. PLUS I don't like explaining what has happened with Sam, nor do I like the fact that he intimidates other guys.
I'm hurting inside. I feel like a sex object. I would really like to be wrapped up in someones arms and told how much I am loved. I am a hurt little girl, too big to be held by her Dad. I've lost the feeling of having Gods protection and guidance. I don't know if by my own sins, or by my wounded soul. I'm tired of blaming myself, of beging for forgiveness, especially when it seems that I will become that object again, I will lose control of myself and allow and/or seek that glittering piece of love from whomever is offering it and will fall into that again. A moments bit of relief and connection. Sometimes I want to curl up tight in my closet, like I did when I was a little girl. I want to curl up and cry but I can't because I have to fight, tuck all those emotions away and go about the business of trying to struggle up the sand again, hoping to do something good for my kids even though it seems to not work. I feel like my job is to solve word problems all day and I just can't seem to get the hang of it well enough to get excited about figuring out new ways to do the processes. I'm surviving, I know somewhat, or mostly what I'm doing... but I'm also stifeled as well. I want to breathe. But I think the biggest part of the struggle with it is that I'm so tired. And Sad. And alone. I can get excited and driven about anything, if I feel supported and loved. Or I can become driven and self destructive, if I am trying to fight a battle of determination.
God forgive me for seeking tidbits of love. I need larger doses for sure.
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