I am posing a question to myself tonight. That is, why have I struggled with sexual intimacy? It is human nature to want to be close to other people. It is human nature to be attracted to others. Simply I could say that I struggled with inattention, I wanted to be close to someone. I've ached for a long time to have a close friend while growing up. I was very lonely, as a young girl I had a hard time making friends, I would cry at night to my mom about it. I was picked on in school. I hid in the bathroom at recess, many times, or I would hide on the playground. I was never invited to play games with the other students. At home I felt abandoned as well. My mom was severely depressed, my dad was sometimes someone I could snuggle with and get love. But I grew to old for that. As I grew I started to have little boyfriends. I liked to kiss them, I liked to hold hands and be close. I wanted their attention, it made me feel like I mattered. As I got even older I had this longing, I wanted to be loved, I wanted a boyfriend who would love me, make me feel special. I thought it would solve my problems. I got their attention, some of them anyway. I didn't have sex with them, but kissed them a lot. All except my ex-husband. He was the most persistent, the most ardent, the one who took, and took and took from me. I wasn't strong and I really, really wasn't loving myself. There are many more cases where I've been weak.
I have made many mistakes. In the eyes of the world, in the eyes of people with "Faith" you could say that my behavior was all about weakness and sin. That I am a great sinner. That I still am and that to be redeemed I must repent.
YES, oh God I am a sinner. Yes. I understand repentance, I repent, but then the underlying cause has not been corrected. So I slip again.
The underlying cause is that I need to love myself. PLUS, now that I am an adult, and have finally made two close girl friends, I need to reach out to them.
I had learned that I should stay silent about my pain. I learned that because I used to pour it out on people. That was the wrong approach. I need to talk, but I needn't dump.
This is a rambly post. It is late, but I needed to write something about this.
As for now, I cut myself off from my fiance. Not because I didn't love him, I do, but for other reasons. Time, distance, a need for closeness, a fear of the unknown, and love for him and his family. They need him. AND I would have been a problem in their lives.
At the moment, I am vulnerable, this is why I needed to write. I've let myself be taken advantage of by my ex. He's in town and he's been persistent. So I take a look at myself and think, WHAT?? You know better.
I do know better. But
We have 4 kids together. I am having a hard time raising them on my own. I am fighting so hard to be independent and to be a mom but it is so hard. He breezes into town with a wallet full of money and he spends it on us. Then he cooks, gets the kids to clean, cleans the kitchen, takes them off to do things.
When he is gone it is back to work for me, back to school for the kids. Does this mean that I want to be with him? NO it just makes me realize how much I ache to be close to someone. How much I want to be held by someone who loves me. How much I need to have someone else there and how hard it is without that. It makes me realize how much more energy I need to somehow muster to defend the right. How I need to wake up my brain and my heart to give my kids my all.
I don't feel fit to be with anyone right now. I feel dirty. I question my own loyalty. I really need respect. I really need love. I am tired.
I have made many mistakes. In the eyes of the world, in the eyes of people with "Faith" you could say that my behavior was all about weakness and sin. That I am a great sinner. That I still am and that to be redeemed I must repent.
YES, oh God I am a sinner. Yes. I understand repentance, I repent, but then the underlying cause has not been corrected. So I slip again.
The underlying cause is that I need to love myself. PLUS, now that I am an adult, and have finally made two close girl friends, I need to reach out to them.
I had learned that I should stay silent about my pain. I learned that because I used to pour it out on people. That was the wrong approach. I need to talk, but I needn't dump.
This is a rambly post. It is late, but I needed to write something about this.
As for now, I cut myself off from my fiance. Not because I didn't love him, I do, but for other reasons. Time, distance, a need for closeness, a fear of the unknown, and love for him and his family. They need him. AND I would have been a problem in their lives.
At the moment, I am vulnerable, this is why I needed to write. I've let myself be taken advantage of by my ex. He's in town and he's been persistent. So I take a look at myself and think, WHAT?? You know better.
I do know better. But
We have 4 kids together. I am having a hard time raising them on my own. I am fighting so hard to be independent and to be a mom but it is so hard. He breezes into town with a wallet full of money and he spends it on us. Then he cooks, gets the kids to clean, cleans the kitchen, takes them off to do things.
When he is gone it is back to work for me, back to school for the kids. Does this mean that I want to be with him? NO it just makes me realize how much I ache to be close to someone. How much I want to be held by someone who loves me. How much I need to have someone else there and how hard it is without that. It makes me realize how much more energy I need to somehow muster to defend the right. How I need to wake up my brain and my heart to give my kids my all.
I don't feel fit to be with anyone right now. I feel dirty. I question my own loyalty. I really need respect. I really need love. I am tired.
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