It's over, it has been 19 some years since I learned that I was pregnant. Shock, fear, dismay, and shame were my companion from that moment, and I'm not sure when they left. They eventually did, but in their place was the difficulty of living. Trying to find meaning and purpose, fighting against depression and despair and fighting to get an education all of these years and now my son is grown up and he's left. I dropped him off at the MTC today.
I know in a way it sounds foolish and selfish of me to be so sad about having come through all of that with a bunch of really good kids. Very foolish indeed since so many people have their kids lost through foolish things, drugs, crime etc. I think a part of why I'm upset though is that I've put them off, I put socializing off... until a day when I feel better, or when I'm not busy. I've had so many things I wanted to get done that just being with people has been difficult. I need to engage with people more yet I still have school to finish, and stuff to learn...
It was easier when they were little. They were around, they played together and I made them food. I was their mommy. I miss my kids. I am lonely.
I know in a way it sounds foolish and selfish of me to be so sad about having come through all of that with a bunch of really good kids. Very foolish indeed since so many people have their kids lost through foolish things, drugs, crime etc. I think a part of why I'm upset though is that I've put them off, I put socializing off... until a day when I feel better, or when I'm not busy. I've had so many things I wanted to get done that just being with people has been difficult. I need to engage with people more yet I still have school to finish, and stuff to learn...
It was easier when they were little. They were around, they played together and I made them food. I was their mommy. I miss my kids. I am lonely.
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