Tonight I'm in an in-between mood. Nothing's terribly wrong, there's just a little feeling of being down. I guess that's OK, life's not always lollipops and roses.
I went to my daughter's junior high registration night and was confronted with the long time issue that I've had with immunizations. My kids are immunized... all except for my youngest. I was really mis-trustful of the medical community at the time she was due for immunizations and that was mostly because I was so sick and no doctor was able to explain why. Sick, depressed, anxious and the answers led to a shocking discovery that the American model of health and wellness was not as trustworthy as I thought it was. But that's a different story.
I decided that I would let my daughter choose what she wanted to do when she got old enough and she wanted to get immunized so I signed her up. Since she's never had any immunizations (except the one they give them as babies) they decided to give her 3. She sat down and they gave her the shots. Then she went into a bit of shock because she had watched the needles go in and got weirded out by them. She had to lay down and put her feet up, they gave her some juice. I sat down with her and put her head in my lap. We stayed that way for a while, me thinking about her growing up, she thinking about what had just happened.
We then found out that I need to do something at her elementary school to get her records over to the Jr. High, so I've got to take care of that tomorrow.
Seems like there are several things I've been avoiding or putting off. Changing jobs is one of them. I'm in a holding pattern, not progressing at work... but I'm earning just enough money and I've got medical coverage so that makes me not want to make a move. But I know it's not good for me. I'm getting bored. I need to do something. Instead of making a change I've been figuring out the type of training that I want to do. I keep doing that, organizing things rather than actually doing things.
It seems that something keeps pulling me back to the idea of writing for a living. This is an area that I could be really good at if I put time into actually doing it. One problem is that it's easy for others to see me working on the computer and assume that I'm wasting my time or ignoring them. That's not the impression I want to give them, and I acquiesce. Giving up my space and time to do what they want, this is why having a job is important... at least they see that as legitimate and don't question the time I put into it.
I'm suffocating. Living in-between. I wish the bills could just be taken care of without me having to work (including medical). Hell I don't really care for many material things, it'd be cool to fix up my place but really I just want freedom. Yes I'm suffocating, that's the feeling. I should sleep, but I'll not find respite, tomorrow will be another day or work and expectations. Failing in small ways to live the life I want to live every single day. God that's morose.
Anyway I am grateful for all I've got, grateful for my kids and what I've achieved in my life. When I told my father I was pregnant he shook his head and said "you've ruined your life. You'll never be able to finish high school, let alone college!" Well... that was part of my impetus for continuing to get my education, including my MBA. He gave me the choice to keep the baby and marry the father or give the baby up for adoption. That was messed up, couldn't I have just kept my baby and raised him by myself? Guess not. That's not how my life story was to play out.
It's weird. There's a new guy at work who is the baby brother of a girl I knew when I was growing up. I remember him, climbing up to the table in their kitchen. Somehow this connection is reminding me of how I felt in that neighborhood. My cousin and I were semi-friendly with his sister. She was nice sometimes and at others she was mean, bragging about getting to swim at her other friend's pool. I've got pictures of her at my house, playing with my Christmas presents. We were not really that great of friends. It's never been easy for me to make friends. I have friends now as an adult but it's hard to really make those relationships into deep friendships. I just live in my own world.
Again going off into ramblings.
I wish I could take a look at all the things that are little hurts and fix them somehow. Maybe therapy would help.
Anyhow, I suppose I'll be able to sleep now that I've vented a bit. I'm reminded of a nice morose quote to go along with my morose mood.
"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."
Aeschylus
Goodnight
SG
I went to my daughter's junior high registration night and was confronted with the long time issue that I've had with immunizations. My kids are immunized... all except for my youngest. I was really mis-trustful of the medical community at the time she was due for immunizations and that was mostly because I was so sick and no doctor was able to explain why. Sick, depressed, anxious and the answers led to a shocking discovery that the American model of health and wellness was not as trustworthy as I thought it was. But that's a different story.
I decided that I would let my daughter choose what she wanted to do when she got old enough and she wanted to get immunized so I signed her up. Since she's never had any immunizations (except the one they give them as babies) they decided to give her 3. She sat down and they gave her the shots. Then she went into a bit of shock because she had watched the needles go in and got weirded out by them. She had to lay down and put her feet up, they gave her some juice. I sat down with her and put her head in my lap. We stayed that way for a while, me thinking about her growing up, she thinking about what had just happened.
We then found out that I need to do something at her elementary school to get her records over to the Jr. High, so I've got to take care of that tomorrow.
Seems like there are several things I've been avoiding or putting off. Changing jobs is one of them. I'm in a holding pattern, not progressing at work... but I'm earning just enough money and I've got medical coverage so that makes me not want to make a move. But I know it's not good for me. I'm getting bored. I need to do something. Instead of making a change I've been figuring out the type of training that I want to do. I keep doing that, organizing things rather than actually doing things.
It seems that something keeps pulling me back to the idea of writing for a living. This is an area that I could be really good at if I put time into actually doing it. One problem is that it's easy for others to see me working on the computer and assume that I'm wasting my time or ignoring them. That's not the impression I want to give them, and I acquiesce. Giving up my space and time to do what they want, this is why having a job is important... at least they see that as legitimate and don't question the time I put into it.
I'm suffocating. Living in-between. I wish the bills could just be taken care of without me having to work (including medical). Hell I don't really care for many material things, it'd be cool to fix up my place but really I just want freedom. Yes I'm suffocating, that's the feeling. I should sleep, but I'll not find respite, tomorrow will be another day or work and expectations. Failing in small ways to live the life I want to live every single day. God that's morose.
Anyway I am grateful for all I've got, grateful for my kids and what I've achieved in my life. When I told my father I was pregnant he shook his head and said "you've ruined your life. You'll never be able to finish high school, let alone college!" Well... that was part of my impetus for continuing to get my education, including my MBA. He gave me the choice to keep the baby and marry the father or give the baby up for adoption. That was messed up, couldn't I have just kept my baby and raised him by myself? Guess not. That's not how my life story was to play out.
It's weird. There's a new guy at work who is the baby brother of a girl I knew when I was growing up. I remember him, climbing up to the table in their kitchen. Somehow this connection is reminding me of how I felt in that neighborhood. My cousin and I were semi-friendly with his sister. She was nice sometimes and at others she was mean, bragging about getting to swim at her other friend's pool. I've got pictures of her at my house, playing with my Christmas presents. We were not really that great of friends. It's never been easy for me to make friends. I have friends now as an adult but it's hard to really make those relationships into deep friendships. I just live in my own world.
Again going off into ramblings.
I wish I could take a look at all the things that are little hurts and fix them somehow. Maybe therapy would help.
Anyhow, I suppose I'll be able to sleep now that I've vented a bit. I'm reminded of a nice morose quote to go along with my morose mood.
"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."
Aeschylus
Goodnight
SG
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