Today is one of those rare days where all the stars align; I got a somewhat adequate amount of quality sleep (though I still feel a bit sleepy), my mind is clear, I'm focused, and there is a certain crystalline quality to my feelings, in that there is a lack of muddiness.
It is snowing outside today, it was clear and warm over the past week but I am used to the way that Spring comes limping into being every year. With the snow the familiar subdued sense of beauty pervades the foothills of the mountains that I'm looking out upon.
I would like to sit with this sense of tranquility a while, reflect on my life a bit.
It was once my goal to achieve happiness, I've learned that this is a frustrating goal to seek. I'm now just seeking to live a full life, a life full of decisions that I've proactively made and followed through with, rather than a life shaped primarily through outside forces.
I've found that I've spent most of my life seeking to improve my understanding of the world around me to the exclusion of building solid relationships with others. This skill is one of my biggest weak points.
Early in life I was highly sensitive. I disliked people talking about me, I didn't have a secure sense of self which made it very difficult to receive feedback from others in any way. Direct feedback from peers and teachers and indirect feedback from the teasing of others.
I tried to isolate myself from others as a defense with the hope that if I learned enough about the world then I would no longer have to face disapproving peers and teachers or teasing. I distanced myself from people who also faced the same challenges that I did hoping to avoid teasing based off of my association with them. This has led me to being an unreliable friend, a trait that I am not proud of.
I have to understand and accept that these were qualities built into my personality though, in order for me to begin to understand how to counteract these negative tendencies. I also have to understand that it is OK for me to not associate with people who are toxic to me (because of how they choose to behave).
There is a fine line to walk between loyalty to a friend and loyalty to ones psyche.
During my time as a stay-at-home mom/part time student/wife I went through a metamorphoses of understanding about relationships and love. There was and is a big part of me that was invested in my first husbands story. He was the abandoned baby, who's mother died shortly after childbirth and who's father ran away (or was driven away). He grew up bouncing around to different relatives houses growing up in a culture quite different than ours, a proud and strong culture with alluring, yet sometimes frustrating traditions.
I never quite understood or fit in there, though my acceptance of and familiarity with different things became stronger over time. The point is that I was invested, and that life and my identity grew together over time. It is strange now to see my ex-husband's girlfriend/fiance pick up the identity that I discarded, sympathizing with the abandoned baby that he was and seeking to integrate into that alluring, yet frustrating culture. I feel a sense of loss and emptiness when I think of those parts of my identity.
This morning I was thinking about love and what it has meant to me over the years. Love in some ways was a handcuff, it chained me to someone who pulled my soul through the harsh judgement of a culture I didn't fully understand, who asked me to do certain things with him that I didn't want to do (that repulsed me), who left me feeling isolated and alone, who betrayed me and top of all of this ultimately irreversibly harmed my sister and my daughter.
But that was love as an obligation, love without limits. I thought I had to love unconditionally, I didn't really understand what love was.
Perhaps love can be something that exists outside of obligation and is separate from a choice to remain in a relationship or leave. I believe that it can still exist even if that relationship is severed.
Love is not synonymous with being in a mutually exclusive relationship and can exist in different forms for different people, fading, yet not entirely disappearing from your heart when relationships end.
To love someone new doesn't mean that you are betraying someone else you once loved. It means that you are still alive and growing in human connection and understanding.
In new relationships, old relationships take on new meanings and you choose to focus your attention on building something new rather than maintaining something old. Old loyalties change, your obligations change. The amount of change is determined by each person.
Jealousy points very clearly to the insecurity of the person you are with, outlining the boundaries they wish to define for the relationship. These boundaries are different for different couples and different people. Sometimes these boundaries feel stifling to one or the other partner. Jealousy and boundaries are separate from love.
Loving someone doesn't mean that you have to be with that person and you don't have to be with someone just because they profess to love you.
Love does not overcome all barriers, all things, differences, circumstances and difficulties. It does make it easier to choose to try to overcome these things with the person you love.
You don't fail if you end a relationship that doesn't work and I believe you don't necessarily achieve success by sticking with a relationship that doesn't work for a long time, though you might gain insight into life by sticking things out in a difficult relationship.
Relationships are frustrating, but they can be worth it. Commitment an agreement that is maintained and renewed by those in a relationship on a regular basis. It cannot be coerced and it is invalid if one person is hurting the other, mentally, emotionally, or physically.
It is really hard to leave a relationship, even when it doesn't feel right. Because we are all looking for connection, companionship and love.
A good relationship should be built, with both people having a dedication to help and lift the other. With not just trust but understanding, openness, thoughtfulness and vulnerability. Knowing and accepting that it all might not work out but hoping that things will work out for the best.
SG
It is snowing outside today, it was clear and warm over the past week but I am used to the way that Spring comes limping into being every year. With the snow the familiar subdued sense of beauty pervades the foothills of the mountains that I'm looking out upon.
I would like to sit with this sense of tranquility a while, reflect on my life a bit.
It was once my goal to achieve happiness, I've learned that this is a frustrating goal to seek. I'm now just seeking to live a full life, a life full of decisions that I've proactively made and followed through with, rather than a life shaped primarily through outside forces.
I've found that I've spent most of my life seeking to improve my understanding of the world around me to the exclusion of building solid relationships with others. This skill is one of my biggest weak points.
Early in life I was highly sensitive. I disliked people talking about me, I didn't have a secure sense of self which made it very difficult to receive feedback from others in any way. Direct feedback from peers and teachers and indirect feedback from the teasing of others.
I tried to isolate myself from others as a defense with the hope that if I learned enough about the world then I would no longer have to face disapproving peers and teachers or teasing. I distanced myself from people who also faced the same challenges that I did hoping to avoid teasing based off of my association with them. This has led me to being an unreliable friend, a trait that I am not proud of.
I have to understand and accept that these were qualities built into my personality though, in order for me to begin to understand how to counteract these negative tendencies. I also have to understand that it is OK for me to not associate with people who are toxic to me (because of how they choose to behave).
There is a fine line to walk between loyalty to a friend and loyalty to ones psyche.
During my time as a stay-at-home mom/part time student/wife I went through a metamorphoses of understanding about relationships and love. There was and is a big part of me that was invested in my first husbands story. He was the abandoned baby, who's mother died shortly after childbirth and who's father ran away (or was driven away). He grew up bouncing around to different relatives houses growing up in a culture quite different than ours, a proud and strong culture with alluring, yet sometimes frustrating traditions.
I never quite understood or fit in there, though my acceptance of and familiarity with different things became stronger over time. The point is that I was invested, and that life and my identity grew together over time. It is strange now to see my ex-husband's girlfriend/fiance pick up the identity that I discarded, sympathizing with the abandoned baby that he was and seeking to integrate into that alluring, yet frustrating culture. I feel a sense of loss and emptiness when I think of those parts of my identity.
This morning I was thinking about love and what it has meant to me over the years. Love in some ways was a handcuff, it chained me to someone who pulled my soul through the harsh judgement of a culture I didn't fully understand, who asked me to do certain things with him that I didn't want to do (that repulsed me), who left me feeling isolated and alone, who betrayed me and top of all of this ultimately irreversibly harmed my sister and my daughter.
But that was love as an obligation, love without limits. I thought I had to love unconditionally, I didn't really understand what love was.
Perhaps love can be something that exists outside of obligation and is separate from a choice to remain in a relationship or leave. I believe that it can still exist even if that relationship is severed.
Love is not synonymous with being in a mutually exclusive relationship and can exist in different forms for different people, fading, yet not entirely disappearing from your heart when relationships end.
To love someone new doesn't mean that you are betraying someone else you once loved. It means that you are still alive and growing in human connection and understanding.
In new relationships, old relationships take on new meanings and you choose to focus your attention on building something new rather than maintaining something old. Old loyalties change, your obligations change. The amount of change is determined by each person.
Jealousy points very clearly to the insecurity of the person you are with, outlining the boundaries they wish to define for the relationship. These boundaries are different for different couples and different people. Sometimes these boundaries feel stifling to one or the other partner. Jealousy and boundaries are separate from love.
Loving someone doesn't mean that you have to be with that person and you don't have to be with someone just because they profess to love you.
Love does not overcome all barriers, all things, differences, circumstances and difficulties. It does make it easier to choose to try to overcome these things with the person you love.
You don't fail if you end a relationship that doesn't work and I believe you don't necessarily achieve success by sticking with a relationship that doesn't work for a long time, though you might gain insight into life by sticking things out in a difficult relationship.
Relationships are frustrating, but they can be worth it. Commitment an agreement that is maintained and renewed by those in a relationship on a regular basis. It cannot be coerced and it is invalid if one person is hurting the other, mentally, emotionally, or physically.
It is really hard to leave a relationship, even when it doesn't feel right. Because we are all looking for connection, companionship and love.
A good relationship should be built, with both people having a dedication to help and lift the other. With not just trust but understanding, openness, thoughtfulness and vulnerability. Knowing and accepting that it all might not work out but hoping that things will work out for the best.
SG
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