Overachiever

There is a ball of hurt in my chest that is there despite having accomplished a lot of the big life goals I set out for myself, an education, a nice home, and a beautiful family. I still look out at the world as someone who needs to achieve something to be worthy of all the wonderful glittering experiences that I think I should be having. 

I feel a lack of, personality, worthiness, ability, and intelligence. I feel like these things are keeping me from having this idealized picture of friendship and competence. 

I want to retreat into a world of books and television and just be by myself because it's safe there. But my "by myself" time is actually quite full of remote work and adorable but needy dogs.

I feel like I need time to recharge my batteries by being left alone to think deeply and read but I so seldom get the chance to do that. Sometimes I think that a lot of these self-confidence issues and the stress in my life would dissolve if I could just spend time doing core activities like that.

For most of my life, I've felt like I needed to learn, I've had a great interest in many things, but in a way, I wasn't driven by what was most enjoyable to me but what I felt was a skill that I lacked.

I've spent a lot of time organizing my interests into a plan of action and trying to make progress on all of them at once. This doesn't work, I just get frustrated and give up. I need to focus on a single interest at a time and make progress toward it.

The task then becomes narrowing down what I want to work towards to that one thing.

I kind of like the idea of learning Python but also like the idea of learning a financial software called Anaplan. One would lead me down a path towards a coding career (possibly), the other further down the path of finance skills.

Then the trick is to do things I just naturally like; gardening, health, drawing, painting, and music putting time aside to do them without putting pressure on myself to do them.

At my company, they're all about automation and I have the skills to pull people together to work on things but I don't have the skills to do the automation. 

I'm a bit frustrated.