Turning Back - Where to begin?

 Sometimes I wish I could get to the root of where we have gone wrong as a society and work backwards from there. Clean up the logic, clear up the confusion, sew up the broken threads of humanities morality. We have, after all, gone through many era's of brutality and enlightenment and scholars of history can point out turning points where brutality retreats and enlightenment grabs hold once again.

This epic of the American tale is going to be studied in classrooms some time in the future when they value learning again. People will shake their heads and wonder how we could have been so deceived. 

The answer many times seems to be that people are led down paths of ignorance when they give up their power and autonomy for what seem to be simple answers.

This story is one that I saw unfolding but didn't realize the import until it was too late.

When Rush Limbaugh came on the air I detested listening to his aggrieved and angry rants. I would tell my father to turn them off, because I wanted to protect my peace.

Then TV personalities started to appear in turn, telling folks what they wanted to hear, stirring up the anger and hatred that lay dormant in their souls. 

This turned into a cycle of aggrievement and manufactured outrage over things like "Christmas being canceled." 

I've turned away from that over the years because it was too toxic and I've never been one for manufactured outrage. 

I like many others of my generation have sailed along with the idea that politics don't matter all that much because both sides lie. I didn't want to get too involved, I already had overwhelming issues to deal with in my life. 

I counted on the canceling out of each political ideology by the other when they got into power. But that isn't happening any longer. The extremists are in charge and we're being pulled in so many anti-democratic directions that it's not possible to sit on the sidelines if we want to keep what our Grandparents fought for. 

Mark Twain wrote in "Letter from Earth", letter VI: Each of you, for himself or herself, by himself or herself, and on his or her own responsibility, must speak. It is a solemn and weighty responsibility and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of pulpit, press, government or politician. Each must decide for himself or herself alone what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man, to decide it against your convictions is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor. It is traitorous both against yourself and your country. Let men label you as they may, if you alone of all the nation decide one way, and that may be the right way by your convictions of the right, you have done your duty by yourself and by your country, hold up your head for you have nothing to be ashamed of. 

J. Michael Straczynski wrote:

It doesn’t matter what the press says. It doesn’t matter what the politicians or the mobs say. It doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. Republics are founded on one principle above all else: The requirement that we stand up for what we believe in. no matter the odds or consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move. Your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth and tell the whole world: No, you move

It is imperative that we become aware of our duty to determine truth from error through study that takes us beyond the surface of what is presented in the news and popular entertainment. We are all threads that make up the fabric of this country and we abdicate our responsibility to the peril of the whole. 

SG

Thoughts on the state of our Nation

 The history of our country is one of great men putting their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor on the line to establish a nation where self-determination is the distinguishing trait, not the social position one is born into.

I love our country. Our founding fathers weren't perfect, but they strove for ideals that have guided our nation for hundreds of years. President George Washington stepped aside instead of seeking re-election because he wanted to avoid the presidency becoming a lifelong appointment. He warned that “The nation which indulges toward another an habitual hatred or an habitual fondness is in some degree a slave.”

In his farewell address, Washington feared that partisanship would lead to a “spirit of revenge” where party men would not govern for the good of the people but only to obtain and maintain their grip on power. As a result, he warned Americans to guard against would-be despots who would use parties as “potent engines…to subvert the power of the people and to usurp for themselves the reins of government.” 

I write now as a single mother whose aim has been to gain an education to provide for my family. I have always loved history; one of my favorite books is "The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin." In school, I loved economics and statistics, subjects that allowed me to see the theory behind many different economic and political models. I am fully aware of the foundations of the Republican Party's belief in small government, free trade, and free markets.

While I was in school, I had very little time for politics. As a young mother and later when I entered the workforce, I had even less time to follow political candidates. I admit I relied on opinions from those around me to guide my beliefs. 

As I reflect now, I realize there was an undercurrent of hatred flowing through political discourse, and I tried to stay away from it. I did not and still don't watch the news or listen to "news radio." Whenever I caught parts of different segments, I noticed a tendency for pundits to exaggerate, display anger, hatred, vitriol, and paranoia. These characteristics made me shun all of it.

When Donald Trump ran in 2015 against Hillary Clinton, I didn't like either candidate and voted for the third-party candidate, hoping to send a message to our politicians. When Trump was elected, I told my father, "I hope he doesn't start a nuclear war," because my impression of Trump was one of instability, self-aggrandizement, and personal gain. 

Throughout his presidency, his continual attacks on immigrants, women, and other marginalized people made me strongly dislike him. When 2020 hit and we were all scrambling, the political climate was heating up. It wasn't just Trump, but people I knew on Facebook who made me feel most concerned about the state of our nation. The first time I noticed what I think of as a cultishness in Trump supporters was when almost every Trump supporter I knew simultaneously posted "Ivermectin works" on Facebook and elsewhere. I had never heard of it, and when I looked it up, I found it was tied to Fox News. 

I began to fact-check and dig in, but nothing I said seemed to make a dent in the minds of those espousing virulent support for DJT. 

It is this blind devotion that I am fighting against. It is our hard-won rights over centuries that I am fighting for. I implore you to put aside pre-existing beliefs and assess how your beliefs were formed. Our nation was built on the ideals of self-determination and informed citizenship. Let us not be swayed by partisan rhetoric or charismatic figures. Instead, let us honor the legacy of our founding fathers by striving for a government that truly represents the will and the welfare of all its people. Our democracy depends on our collective commitment to these principles.

[1] https://www.mountvernon.org/library/digitalhistory/digital-encyclopedia/article/george-washington-s-farewell-address

Vulnerability

It seems to me that no matter how much I figure out about life and living, I can't escape from the feeling that I'm missing something.

I feel vulnerable, like the sky of open possibilities is a promise and a threat. It feels like a wrong choice can limit me, like I could lose everything in a moment.

I can't help but feel like I'm walking close to the edge; I hang on when I should let go, as though the only options I see are slipping through my fingers.

I make these moves, I do these things, and then question myself. Was that the right thing to do?

It's terrifying; I feel like a fool sometimes.

Perhaps it seems as though I'm as sure as the sky on a sunny day, but I'm not. I often do things that are against the grain, not commonly advised, unconventional, subversive, and it is so scary. My biggest fear is not hurting myself but hurting others, and ironically that's where a lot of my problems stem.

Where they've always stemmed.

Because I can't keep everyone happy and be true to myself, someone is going to get hurt, and often times it's me. I'm swallowing the pills to keep them from affecting other people. But it's really not doing anyone any favors, and it's hard to see that. Because it hurts to admit the necessity of change, of disappointments, and not being able to meet everyone's expectations.

And it's deceptive because I'm hiding the truth of my vulnerability.

But I hope you all can forgive me; confrontation is hard, the truth can be hard, and my heart breaks so easily.

A bit of writing

2/19/2024

Sometimes it's hard to imagine when I look at the whole of my life that it's all really happened, I got through it all and I'm on the other side to this new phase of not having young children about. Sometimes I really miss just having them all here, but they've all grown so well and they are such fun people. I'm amazed at how wonderful they all are.

I've always been a romantic, I have a certain way of looking at the world and seeing all this beauty. I saw flecks of different kinds of rocks in the top layer of the concrete that was coming up off my grandparents patio. I would collect little bits of it, and so would my brother.

When I would look down the side of the garage I saw the bright red of the bricks, the ivy vines, the spiders webs. I saw the cracked window, the gloomy light and felt the coolness of it out of the hot sun.

I feel everything so deeply sometimes. 

I used to dream that my life was more luxurious than it was, I put up silky sheets around my four poster bed and pilled pillows up. I took the little vials of perfume that I got from my grandmother and dabbed it on the end on the little toppers at the top of the pillars around the bed so that I could smell them. 

When I would lay awake at night I listened to the sounds of the trees, there were so many in the field behind our house. The sound was hypnotic, soothing, it was a big comfort to me. 

I identified a lot with Anne of Green Gables. 

Cavalcade

 It has been snowing, but first there was a slushy kind of drizzle, the snow is like a coverlet on a layer of slush. I have been working hard, all my skills of gathering, sorting and analyzing data have been coming into play every day as I try to make sense of a complicated and obscure contract mess. 

It's at times like these when I wonder if I will ever have balance again. If I'll ever be able to rest. 

As I go through my day a cavalcade of thoughts go through my head. I think of my childhood sometimes, my grandmother, my home. I take pleasure in the way my house is set up, it is fun and different. I'm not too concerned about things looking like they do on Instagram. 

It's interesting to me how many ideas I've picked up over the years and then put back down. Ideas of self identity, theology, nutrition, and life in general. I've found that life is not so straightforward and clear cut as we make it out to be and that wanting certainty only leads to rigidity in our thoughts and feelings.  

Sometimes I wonder if I am too passive, or if my ability to wait and see allows me some advantage that assertiveness fails to see. In some ways I am assertive in my passivity, it is a choice, it is a way to avoid conflict and also a way to have more options. In some ways it is unhealthy, but I'm not sure how to untangle it all to be different.

I wanted something so much at some point, or at least I thought I did, and when I didn't get it I felt grief but also relief. That is the way of life, sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but it all turns out in the end.

Anyway, I've been in the habit of writing something every night. That has been good for me. 

SG

Slowly Going Crazy

It's late, 8:11 PM, I have been trying to work all day but I have had problems. First of all, this morning, I was too tired to get out of bed, so I joined our staff call on my phone.

Then I stumbled about, because, vertigo, and made some tea. 

I tried to work, and did some things, but wasn't all that efficient. I went into a panic mid-day when my brain wasn't working and my inbox was filling up. 

I've been trapped by this ridiculous "fustercluck" of a contract since late November. It keeps infiltrating my time because it's the most convoluted contract that I've ever encountered (well, that I've encountered in a long time). 

I'm simultaneously trying to work on that and do my regular tasks. On top of that the productivity tool I used to use "Sunsama" just came up for renewal so I spent a good part of my day trying to make Outlook more organized. If I could only schedule the tasks I create in Outlook like I can in Sunsama I would be golden. Should I really have to pay $200 dollars a year for a tool I use some of the time when my brain is melting? 

I got several contracts booked and I made a bit of progress on my reconciliation of the "fustercluck" but I don't even know if I should consider that having accomplished enough for the day. There is still so much to do! 

I came up with a makeshift system of organization in Outlook by Categorizing and then flagging each email as for "Today," "Tomorrow," "Some time in the future," "etc...." that sort of helped me get a grip but I'm not sure if it will be enough.

Send help.

SG