Measuring Up

I am like a seive

open

yet closed

not fully letting everything out

and can only be so full

before I overflow.

So I weep

and eventually

a finer self is made.

The Irony of Ignorance

Ignorance, ignorance has pervaded humanity throughout all of the ages. Ignorance is a disease which takes a hold of a life, gnawing at the progress that would be made without it.

I say this with irony

It is ironic to be aware of ones own ignorance; yet unable to definitively decide upon a point to begin erradicating it, to somehow be caught in its grasp is a truely ironic situation.

I am gazing upon a picture, an etching which hangs upon the wall above the computer at my parents house. It is of a little wooden cabin, with a few trees surrounding it, a few birds above it, and a dirt path leading up to it.

My thoughts are of how peaceful that little santuary looks, how simple life would be to live in such a place. Yet there, surrounded in the woods the inhabitants would be possessed of a certain kind of ignorance. How quickly could they become dispossessed of their land, if some schemer with more information decided to scam them? How tragic would that be?

Another irony is that we do it all the time, I do it all the time, out of ignorance. Yet what is the truth?

I'm going to make a global statement that most of the time we make or base our decisions upon incomplete information.

That if someone undertakes to fool a portion of society they can easily do it; with smoke and mirrors... what isn't there can seem to be.

Unsettling

I ache to be informed, yet haven't the time to do much more than glance at the headlines, dangerous!

Yet with knowledge comes responsibility

With ideals comes a certain obligation to follow those ideals

in all fairness I am idealogically untrue to myself

and thus deserve in some way my own ignorance.

Musings

My son has been on a Beatles kick lately, which is amusing to me as The Beatles were the Quintessential beginnings of my formative musical tastes during my teenage years. Simmon & Garfunkel, John Denver, the old classics have all been my favorites for quite a long time. Though there was a point where I just outright stopped listening to it all, probably during some depressive mood of mine.

Which is where I have been lately, in a funky depression.

I've found a good job which I enjoy going to, simply because everyone is so easy to get along with which makes it nice to go into work.

A lot of my time has been consumed with putting everything into order as well, it has been such a crazy spiral of a ride. Who knew life could be so insane?!

I have a terrible headache, probably from the soaked nuts that I so lovingly dehydrated earlier this week... it is amusing/not amusing to me that so many things that are supposed to be healthy for you turn out to be unhealthy... or did I just do it wrong? Did I soak those frikin nuts too long or what?! I don't know...

Just stuck with this lovely headache, a vague wish that I could write some profound bit of wisdom or at least have enough time to simple relax and read a book (sans headache...).

Hope everyone is doing well... :)

Rough Week Celiac

I feel very well today! :)

Last week was horrific, I ate some vegetables that my mom had cooked in canned beef broth... they tasted good... but they made me sick. Why? Because the beef broth had MSG in it which is in itself bad, but then it is also an ingredient which has gluten in it (Mono Sodium Glutamate) and if you've read my blog you know that gluten makes me sick.

So Monday and Tuesday I was purely sick from the gluten (which is bad enough) Wednesday I go into the doctors (and mention the problem but doctors haven't a clue most of the time) she gives me the result of the blood test that I had done last week that show I am Anemic and deficient in Vitamin D (that's no surprise as it is winter here, hard to catch much sunlight).

Actually, I've been sick for a while... I think it's related to the GF pretzels that I was munching on, they are gluten free, but they lack fiber and are made with safflower oil which doesn't agree with me too much... plus my kids have made a lot of cookies (from scratch) lately and the flour bin was by the fruit basket...

OI this is hard sometimes... anyway... on Wednesday I took the Vitamin D supplement that the doctor prescribed (50,000 IU so you need a subscription) and then a multi-vitamin... and boy did I get weak really quick! It was terrible I was fainting, I couldn't walk very far, but I had to push on and get stuff done anyway.

Then Thursday I discovered that the Multi that I had taken had beets in it and I am terribly allergic to beets, so I went to the store and bought an Iron supplement, I checked it out the best that I could (I was still faint) but I didn't check it out well enough because when I took it I got worse! The next day I was struggling really bad, even then though I still pushed on because my life is so busy that I can't take a day off.

Friday night I decided I had better go into the hospital because I felt so weak and yucky. The thing is... I know more about what makes me sick than the doctor, he was listening to me, nodding his head and going uh, hu... uh, hu... I was trying to relate to him how serious this is and mentioned that I have had 14 miscarriages then he was like, WOW! Did they ever do any tests to see what the problem could be... I roll my eyes "yes!" and then explain to him how it is related to Celiacs disease (and they wouldn't consider it because I hadn't been officially diagnosed though I've had a test done through and independent lab). So he prescribes something to "Clear" me out... and sends me on my way. I WAS HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION! I mentioned the supplements but they discounted those as being something that could effect me... I've been effected by a lot of herbs so I take that seriously. This episode just confirms to me how pointless it is to consult doctors sometimes, they don't look for the root cause, they are trained in diagnoses but not in prevention so they lack the intuition to think beyond the obvious.

Anyway, I felt better Saturday (well, mostly) and I was about to take more Iron (after all things seemed serious with the anemia) and I found beets among the ingredients and I go OH.... that's it! Luckily I had bought another supplement, B-Vitamins, I checked them out and they were alright (no nasty ingredients) so I took some of those and they made me feel terrific!

Sunday, I was a lot better (though still slightly tired and shaken) and today I feel fantastic! So, that was a rough week but I got through it, with a lot of support from someone who cares about me a great deal... :)

It's all in your head...

I can't remember when I last posted about the disorder that I have called a "Gluten Sensitivity" and/or Celiacs disease which is diagnosed through a scope of the small intestine, something which I haven't had done so I am sticking to the label of "gluten intolerance/sensitivity."

This is an ongoing battle which for the most part I haven't known that I was fighting, all I knew growing up was that it was normal to feel bloated and gassy, be dizzy, have brain fog, anxieties, depression...

It wasn't until 2 or so years ago that I found out that I was affected by gluten, and that because I ate way too much whole wheat and bran products trying to become "healthy" and then went into anapaleptic shock and my health has been compromised ever since, though I have been able to think more clearly and I've had less depression.

To the point, over these past many months I've been going through periods of OK to not OK falling ill every few weeks or so (or less, every week) and then determined to handle things myself I keep going.

Well I've finally decided to see the doctor, it won't be until March 22nd and then it may be a conflict with my hoped for work (I've had a few interviews and something lined up through a temp agency... but I'm not sure if that is the way to go...).

So until then I guess I am stuck eating a very "clean" diet of fruits and veggies, seeds, nuts and meat...

The thing that has been most difficult for me is that from the time that I had a severe reaction to gluten until now my family has only somewhat taken my seriously. In the beginning they were openly hostile towards me feeling threatened that I wouldn't eat rolls, bread, or gravy anymore. Then my sister in law, who was having trouble with her daughter getting ill all of the time, took her off of gluten she saw a marked improvement. So now my mom has tried to accommodate me when we go up there for Sunday dinners but I am still falling ill and so something needs to change.

I just hate to have to strictly avoid eating the food that she prepares but I will because I can't live like this anymore... I just have to prepare my own food and eat that on Sunday, I hate it but that is how it has to be.

Anyhow, that's the difficulty I'm having, I was sick over the weekend, feeling a better now that I've been eating only fruits, veggies and coconut kefir...

I'm working on Job training until I hear back from the interviews that I had on Friday...

Trying to be optimistic, yet still take seriously what needs to be taken seriously...

Employment Resources

There are many employment resources out there, most recently I came across this blog put out by the church

Employment Center

at the top of the blog they post a link to register for a seminar and they have a link to open a pdf file of the course manual!!

What a fantastic resource, go ahead and take a look!  :)

Also check out the Unemploymentality  blog...

Life - Busy

Hi Everybody,

I've been so out of the blog world that I don't know what is going on with you all. I posted a while back about a job that I was offered, well, that actually turned into a learning experience. First of all, some people don't really say what they mean and talk in veiled code (for instance, this particular message) and no matter how right you might think something is, it may turn out wrong. So that job offer turned out to not be as I thought it was and I am still looking.

Tomorrow I'm going up to an Accounting Temp agency to register with them, interview, take tests to see if I can do what I say that I can do and then hopefully come back down to interview with another company for a position in their Accounts Payable department.

I interviewed with them about a week ago for a position in their Accounts Receivable department, which went really well, but they decided I was overqualified and referred me to this other position. The company is full of energy, it is a fairly new Security System provider and they've seen a lot of growth. They offer full benefits with the position and gym (in their building), I'm not sure how that would work... come in early to work out... go home to change then come back... or come back after a long day at work to work out... or keep workout clothes there to excercise before going home... hmmm

Anyway, it is a good opportunity... but I am thinking working with the temp agency might lead to something more worthwhile (higher pay)... so it's a hard call.

The most difficult thing about this time in my life has been establishing new habits and accepting myself (respecting myself). It's not easy to go from being a stay at home mom to a working mom... luckily I think my 3 year old is up to the transition as she's been tolerating the times that I've had to leave her with my sister or my friends really well...

Well, things are pulling together anyway, I will check up on blogs during the weekend

~SG

The way Christ helps me with life

The way Christ helps me with life.

I think that for the most part, in life we are successful if we work hard, find that competetive edge and go for it. I find myself continually searching, probing, refining trying to "fix" whatever problem that I have ended up with from growing up without parameters in my home... rules so breakable that they might as well not be there at all.

Eventually I am going to learn to type fast enough, spell most words correctly, learn how to use the 10-Key quicker, learn more tricks to Quickbooks and Excel... all skills needed for work and for my goal of getting into grad school later on. Well mainly work at the moment, one thing at a time.

It is Christ though that helps me take the mechanical, routinized perfectionism of this world and put it all into perspective.

It is through quite moments of reflection when I admit that I have failed, fallen short, that I am not perfect where I realize my humanity and his love for me.

That he loves me despite my mistakes, and that I can pick myself up and move on, striving for that ultimate goal of success.

Still knowing that the essence of life is love, and if I fail to develop that trait then I have truly failed. So I keep my eyes on Christ, holding onto His word with gratitude for what I have and a hope that the success that I seek may come.

A Message of Hope

I received this Newsletter on Sunday and found a beautiful thought within...

A Message From the Bishopric
February 7, 2010

David Leigh

Grandview 8th Ward Bishopric

Recently, I read the well-loved poem, "The Touch of the Master's Hand," by Myra 'Brooks' Welch and saw the movie made by T.C. Christensen. I think the message is important for our ward. The last verse of the poem reads:


And many a man with life out of tune,
All battered with bourbon and gin,
Is auctioned cheap to a thoughtless crowd 
Much like that old violin.
A mess of pottage, a glass of wine,
A game and he travels on,
He is going once, he is going twice,
He is going and almost gone.
But the Master comes,
And the foolish crowd never can quite understand,
The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought 
By the Touch of the Master's Hand.


Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, "We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings -- even if we don't deserve it. Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us -- even with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will. We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won't, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities (General Conference, October 2007)."


I bear testimony that this is true. We are sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father, and He loves us with perfect love.

I want to thank Brother Leigh for the message, it brought tears to my eyes because I, like many others, undervalue myself at times and at times feel unworthy of even the simple love and attention of others.

It is hard to hold my head up high and walk forward regardless of the sins and mistakes that I commit, hard to be humble, aware of mine and others weaknesses but neither debasing myself or debasing others.

I pray you all might gain some insight and comfort from this message as well, that we can be better than we allow ourselves to be.

I Got a Job!!

I am celebrating today! I just got offered a part time job at a construction company called Dry Creek Structures!

:)

It starts at $12.00 an hour the work is right up my alley, granted they are under-employing me a tad, but I like this company, it will be a pleasure to work with them!

Now to get into the swing of things! :)

SG