What would I do if...?

What would I do if money was not an issue?

First of all, I would spend time with my kids helping them to learn about whatever they wanted to learn about.

Last night I had the most horrible dream. I was on some kind of bike I think, peddling as hard as I could to get to work. My daughter was hanging around my neck and crying, I held on to her tightly. I got to the meeting and sat near the back and chatted with the people around me. Another kid was crying and I commented on how difficult they were to sooth sometimes. I was so happy to have my daughter with me. Then I was sliding down these snow hills trying to commute to work. Things were going OK for a while and I had a conversation with an ex boyfriend about the snow hills. Then the snow kept getting thinner and thinner. At the end of the snow hill my grownup son asked me to read him a story. I realized that he had grown up, that he was leaving me and longed for my little boy. I woke up feeling so sad, realizing that my children are growing up and I can't be there for them because I'm at work.

I would create crazy projects, I would take toys from around the house and make them into other things.

I would have fun. How long has it been?

I would cook different foods. Make up recipes, sing in the kitchen.

I would buy a cosy little house with a back yard that had a little copse of trees and perhaps a little stream.

I would decorate my little home.

I would spend my time reading and writing stuff, learning whatever I wanted.

That's all for now...

SG

I need to write...

It's been about a year since I wrote something here. A lot has happened. I started school, I got engaged, I moved our family in with my Fiance, I got married, I went to Ireland with my mom, sister and daughter. I've been sick off and on and it's affected my performance at work and at school.

My performance at work is the most troubling. During my weekly 1:1 meeting my manager told me that he's bringing in HR. It's what I feared, what I've been worrying about... the question is, did my own worries about this happening somehow manifest? Like the book "The Secret" suggests would happen. Or did I just read the situation correctly? I think it's the later rather than the former.

Geez I've forgotten how difficult it is to put my thoughts into words.

I think a lot. Things naturally flow from one thought to another and bounce around in my head, circling around and it's hard to make them stop. Especially when they are creating more anxiety.

With these 1:1 sessions my manager brings up errors, to me they are a reflection of how healthy I've been. When I feel well the error rate is low, when I feel like crap the errors are higher. At the moment I feel good, thus the errors are lower.

How do I explain this to HR? My manager? They don't care what has caused the problem... er I don't know maybe HR does. I hope.

I explain the reasons for my problems to my sweetheart and he dives into explanations about avoiding saying certain things to HR, sounding negative...

The thing is, I dislike the anxiety, A LOT. I hate not knowing what to expect out of this situation.

I guess I just need to improve, keep my error rate low... sleep more so that I will be better at my job.

SG

Strep Throat Gone - Starting SCD Diet

The week after my last post was a long and arduous one. I spent a lot of time in bed, drank a lot of bone broth, took as many healing herbs that I had on hand (golden seal, oregano oil, thieves oil, echinachia, and garlic), by the end of the week I felt almost better. The week after I felt pretty good, I followed a link for an upcoming discussion on digestive issues and constipation, paid $40 dollars for a seat at the seminar table and then paid for the book and meal plans that they offered (another $105). I took a plunge and spent the little remaining money I had on the foods in the meal plan and lo and behold the next day I felt really good!

Today is day 5. I have spread the word about the diet far and wide. I gave the meal plan to Sam since he really suffers from poor diet choices. Sent the .pdf files I bought to my cousin, friend, mom and boyfriend. I hope that it will work the same way for them as it did for me. I'm a bit worried that it will work differently for others than it did for me, since I went through a week of detox and cleansing by struggling with and recovering from Strep Throat... but Sam reports this morning that he feels good after only a few meals. I'm hopeful that it works well for others, a lot of people have had success in healing by following it.

In any case, I am at work and I feel good. SO shelling out my hard earned dollars was worth it. I've spent a lot of money on supplements and I'm hopeful that with the diet my digestion will improve enough that I won't have to do that anymore. :)

~SG

Update

This weeks been rough. Except for Wednesday, that was a good day. Mostly it's been a bunch of fatigue, random horrible headaches, swollen and achy body parts.

I gave blood at my sons blood drive for his Eagle Scout project and I think that exacerbated my condition.

Today I woke up with a sore throat but felt OK enough to go into work (I thought maybe it was a dry throat).  Throughout the day I was able to work OK, able to concentrate, but gradually falling into a deeper fatigue. I knew I had strep. So I told my manager I was sick and went up to the doctors, they confirmed it. They called in a prescription for antibiotics... but I'm stubborn and stopped by Real Foods instead to pick up healing foods and herbs. I think it's going to work. I'm going to bed now to help the process along.

~SG

What I wanted to do though was relive a memory. Maybe tomorrow. 

Little Growing Pains

Growing up I was a lonely little girl. I never had many friends,  I ached for friends and empathized with outsiders. I cried at night feeling that others had friends why not I? I felt that the world was unjust and unfair. Now I see that we all walk in loneliness and longing... all of our hearts break at one point or another. I'm an outsider, looking in. Looking back I see that I've gained strength and empathy. I am resilient. Sad at times,  longing for understanding. But not afraid to walk an uncertain path. Brave enough to trust in the knowledge gained from silent observations. Brave enough to change my mind.

Thoughts

This morning I forced myself out of bed and went on a walk knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to shower when I got back because out tub is all plugged up. Time to call a plumber.

I'm glad I went on a walk though because it gave me time to contemplate. What do I really want out of a relationship? Even if I have what I want before me can I accept it?

We live in a time of many possibilities. We have so many choices, sometimes it's hard to decide what choice to make.

Yesterday I went to the UVU MBA retreat up in Heber City. It was a good experience and I did "bond" with my team. Enough so that I feel comforted in what the future looks like for the next 2 years as an MBA student.

On my walk I was thinking about the writings of Emerson and Thoreau, both deep thinkers. Has society always consisted of deep thinkers and superficial thinkers? I suppose but I tend to think that the level of thought has decreased to a great degree.

My focus is to get my degree. My attention and concentration is to that point. I should approach each assignment as a chance for great thought. To that end I am off to finish up my online course on finance.

SG

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Some days I feel like I am more aware of myself than other days. For the past week or so I've been fighting off a virus of some sort which has dulled, to a degree, my level of ability to concentrate and my ability to feel emotions (happy, sad, etc.)

In fact throughout my life I have experienced varying states of emotional and cognitive ability. At times it has been incredibly difficult to stay on task and form cognizant statements. I had to rely on a sense of intuition to follow what I found to be working and what did not work.

If you are in a fog, than the way to navigate is to hold on to what other people are doing. It's easier than trying to determine for yourself the direction you should take, what is true and what isn't.

Morality is a given set of principles of conduct, what is considered right and wrong.

"A particular system of values and principles of conduct, especially one held by a specified person or society."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morality

The point is; morality, what is right and wrong, has been debated since man has developed a sense of consciousness.

Morality is subjective. Though people try to define it in absolute terms. In some ways the very subjective nature of morality is perturbing. It is a terrible responsibility to live within a realm of subjective morality and this is partially the reason why many people don't try to develop their own sense of morality. Or at least they don't consciously set out to develop a set of moral guidelines.

To one, who is living with a set of circumstances that limits their cognitive reasoning the only morality they know of is that of an outside set of imposed limits and boundaries.

To another, who is more cognitively aware of the world, their moral code is more refined. Different in many ways from the one who is limited by reasoning ability, different in fact from any other person that they will meet.

This line of reasoning brings to mind the unnerving thought that if morality is not an absolute, than someone who is disinclined to follow the morality of society at large will develop their own sense of morality.

If that person is in fact a sociopath, a psychopath, a narcissist, or in any other way disturbed or mentally different than others their "Moral Code" per se might include things that society deems to be grossly immoral, illegal, and disturbing.

And indeed these facts will mean nothing to these sets of people.

So, in the very act of forming opinions on morality that are outside of the society within which I live, I am forming barriers to acceptance within the society within which I live... and thus am constrained by prudence to modify the amount of deviation from the norm.

I can live in my own moral code as long as my moral code inclines me towards the goals with which I am striving for. If I want to reject the moral norm of this society, I will pay the price of being an outsider, but then there are other places in the world where my morality is not seen as a threat and there I might live in peace. Morally speaking. 

Filling out boxes

Sometimes I feel so frustrated. It feels like life is passing me by while I assign numbers to boxes on a screen. I want to get up, talk to people about things, laugh, be stupid.... laugh at my stupidity and everyone else's stupidity as well.

But I'm stuck here, filling out boxes. Making sure all the lines check out on a form.

I listen to lectures on health. I listen about genes and gene expression. I listen to comedians sometimes, music often...

But for the most part, I am filling out boxes

Information that allows billing to be turned on for consulting work, consultants for big companies who are interested in collecting data on people so that they can market to them. Market to them with our software that they've utilized to create amazing and outrageous ads. Ads that drive wants to turn into needs... sometimes I feel that this is all an exercise in futility that I am participating in for the sake of earning money to feed my children who I can't see or touch throughout the day... my children who are building imaginary worlds on game systems, who are fighting battles with imaginary foes.

It's all so meaningless... and yet it's all I can seem to do.

I get so frustrated.

SG

Skeletons and Monsters

I feel vulnerable, so many changes recently

A lot of the things that I grew up thinking were bad now seem to me as part of the social constructs that I grew up with, rather than things that are intrinsically bad.

Most days I keep past traumas locked up in the past where they cannot intrude into the present day and harm it for me. Sometimes though I will hear certain things that will trigger the powerful memories that hide behind the door of the past.

I don't want to deal with that door. I want it to stay locked and all of the skeletons hidden away from my own or from anyone's view.

Those skeletons are not just my own monsters, but the monsters of the past that bear witness to the present circumstances I am in today.

Does it help to take those skeletons out, view them in a new light? Shake the dust off of the bones so that I will not forget the reasons for my current decisions?

I've been quivering here in my own home. Allowing the monster who destroyed it to take up residence on the couch. He cleans and cooks, takes the kids out for a fun time and I hide. This man, the one whom I vowed to love, honor and cherish. The one who I gave my virginal heart to and melted my soul into, pleading and pleading for understanding and growth.

So much of my marriage was spent in frustration. I am an idealist (or perhaps that's the wrong word), I wanted my marriage to match the image of what marriage should be. I wanted my husband to match the image of what "husband" should be. Even now my idea of what divorce is doesn't match.

I thought that once I packed his things and put them on the lawn then he would become angry with me. Perhaps develop a bitter attitude. That would make it easier to stay strong in my decision. Instead he has been worming his way into my life, knocking at the corners of my resolve, making inroads through the cracks in my heart. Making me cry out in frustration, cry out because there is no way I can truly let bygones be bygones.

Even the things that he has done are hiding in a corner of my heart because I hate the ugliness of them. I hate telling people what he has done because they won't understand why I let him stick around when they know what he did. They think that there is no way they would let him stick around, perhaps they would not. Perhaps they would have let him go to jail. Would have fought back the tears of their baby daughter when she asked why daddy lived there.

Perhaps they could. But I haven't. I have let my resolve crack, I've let the image of reform be paraded around like the truth. Set myself up. Equivocated. To keep playing this game of cards where maybe someday I will have the upper hand. Where I will have enough money, influence, self determination or whatever it is that I need to be free of him.

I ask myself now, do you want to be free of him? Yes and no. Yes and no. Yes and no. To be free of him would mean that I no longer have to pretend that I am OK with his presence. No, not free of him. I would lose the laughter and energy he brings home with him. Yes free of him. Free of disruption, random plans that are not well thought out.

No not free of him, not free of someone to take the kids out to do things. YES free of him, free of the lies, free of the manipulation, free from the hugs that I don't want, the kisses snuck while I'm sleeping in my bed, the fondling of my body that I am not an active part of. Why am I giving up my dignity and self respect for this enigmatic, dynamic, charismatic man??

SG

Reflections

This morning I hoped out of bed, still tired but unable to sleep so I decided to put my fitbit tracker to use. While on my walk I had positive thoughts running through my head, acceptance, love of nature, love of self. I marvel that I can have such diametrically opposing thoughts weeks apart. Today though my thoughts were about being gentle with myself. If a change needs to be made I need to be gentle but firm. I was thinking about how a river is shaped, water flowing through the landscape etches out a path. It can do so forcefully, in a torrent, or it can do so gently... a little at a time. In the one case, the torrent, a great amount of earth is moved. Displaced. Perhaps this will form a groove so deep that the water following afterwords will keep to that path... but then again after the torrent comes the slow and steady force.

Other thoughts in that vein. Acceptance of self and acceptance of others. There are things within us that we would like to change. Sometimes it is a recognition of a habit we dislike, in today's image biased society it is often some aspect of our appearance we wish to change. What if the thing we want to change is the thing that endears us the most to others?

Some thoughts anyway...