Talking Things Through

What is difficult for me is writing about the things I worry over. You see, I know that other people have similar concerns to mine, but my insecurities poke holes into my self confidence despite my knowing that my insecurities are irrational and perhaps also knowing that they are entirely rational in some ways as well.

Such is the fate of someone who is introspective and observant. I fear that I am too serious, that people shy away from my company because of the depth of intensity with which I try so hard to comply to the social norms. I feel I must come across as disingenuous. 

Body issues are an area where many woman face criticism and we are told many things about how to feel. That our bodies are beautiful no matter what they look like, but this does not ring true in a society that does value a specific look. It is very hard for me sometimes to drown out the chorus of  voices that are in discord with each other. Society doesn't really make it easy to live in harmony and acceptance of who we are. It is difficult to age gracefully in a world that values youth and beauty. I struggle to believe that I am beautiful when I look in the mirror and see the signs of aging, and a body that is not trim and fit.

Then there are times when I wonder why I struggle so much for education, because paradoxically the more that I strive to learn, the more out of touch I feel. I look at those who don't care as much as I do and wonder why I'm still trying so hard. Sometimes I see that they are loved and adored because of a genuineness of personality that I find hard to match, maybe I'm mixing together things that are not related. But somehow it feels that way to me. 

There are so many self-help books, so many guru's of wisdom, so many people that are giving advice that it feels like I am lacking in fundamental ways when I hear all of the advice and find I have no time to follow it.

Then I also feel like the root problem of all is that I am working so much that it's hard to let myself be free to be myself. 

I guess sometimes I get feeling down on myself and I shouldn't, but such is life.

SG