This is the feeling I have to contend with, vulnerability. I feel a sense of futility in my efforts, probably because I've invested so much into schooling to have it all come to seemingly nothing. Yet there is a part of me that feels that this is exactly what I deserve and I feel a fraud to think I deserve better. I know I didn't COMPLETELY do everything that I was assigned to do in school... I think of all of the iterations of skills that I was lacking in order to do what I was assigned... lacking experience, lacking time, lacking motivation, energy, ability... etc.
I've been running on a treadmill, trying desperately to gain the skills that it looks like I need, or I know I don't have, including certain interpersonal skills a lot of skills that could have been gained if I had different opportunities or circumstances when I was younger.
The rational part of me understands that no one is born in exact ideal circumstances and we all must to some degree fill in the missing pieces of our knowledge base in order to succeed.
I look at some people with their innate steadiness of mind, consistency of action and character or their ease of affection towards others and sometimes I get jealous. Or I think of those that I was competing with, who had similar skills, who are now ranked ahead of me and who are now developing in areas that I wanted to develop in and I feel those jealous pangs. Envy, resentment, sadness. I feel so petty and small at times. None of these feelings are ultimately helpful in and of themselves. I need a way to transform them into something else.
Then there are moments when I just feel like I should be better than others at certain things and I allow a sense of imagined superiority to seep into my consciousness, and this is a defense mechanism, a panacea for hurt pride. This allows me to keep going despite all of my other negative feelings. But it is only a mask I wear.
I am only going to be as unique and special as I allow myself to be. If I feel unworthy of setting myself apart then I will do things that will differentiate me in negative ways.
It comes down to a matter of respect. If I feel I am entitled to respect I need to earn it. At work I can't be of two minds all the time, one listening to a book and the other trying to complete my work. If I don't master myself then I won't master my work.
Some people deserve respect and not envy due to the way they have conducted themselves in their profession. Also people deserve respect for doing their job even if I feel that I lost an opportunity to be in the position that they have been given.
Envy holds me back in my profession. Envy prevents me from forming deeper friendships. I need to come to grips with the feelings of envy that are holding me back.
~SG
I've been running on a treadmill, trying desperately to gain the skills that it looks like I need, or I know I don't have, including certain interpersonal skills a lot of skills that could have been gained if I had different opportunities or circumstances when I was younger.
The rational part of me understands that no one is born in exact ideal circumstances and we all must to some degree fill in the missing pieces of our knowledge base in order to succeed.
I look at some people with their innate steadiness of mind, consistency of action and character or their ease of affection towards others and sometimes I get jealous. Or I think of those that I was competing with, who had similar skills, who are now ranked ahead of me and who are now developing in areas that I wanted to develop in and I feel those jealous pangs. Envy, resentment, sadness. I feel so petty and small at times. None of these feelings are ultimately helpful in and of themselves. I need a way to transform them into something else.
Then there are moments when I just feel like I should be better than others at certain things and I allow a sense of imagined superiority to seep into my consciousness, and this is a defense mechanism, a panacea for hurt pride. This allows me to keep going despite all of my other negative feelings. But it is only a mask I wear.
I am only going to be as unique and special as I allow myself to be. If I feel unworthy of setting myself apart then I will do things that will differentiate me in negative ways.
It comes down to a matter of respect. If I feel I am entitled to respect I need to earn it. At work I can't be of two minds all the time, one listening to a book and the other trying to complete my work. If I don't master myself then I won't master my work.
Some people deserve respect and not envy due to the way they have conducted themselves in their profession. Also people deserve respect for doing their job even if I feel that I lost an opportunity to be in the position that they have been given.
Envy holds me back in my profession. Envy prevents me from forming deeper friendships. I need to come to grips with the feelings of envy that are holding me back.
~SG
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