Challenging Beliefs

There is a saying that we will face the same kinds of challenges over and over until we learn how to deal with them properly.

I've experienced this in my life and each time I face a similar challenge I have a somewhat different set of attitudes and beliefs that I bring to use to solve these challenges.

For instance, when I was younger I was fairly rigid in my beliefs and when I made what I perceived to be mistakes I would judge myself as unworthy and unclean. For the most part I've outgrown this but I know that it is still there at the root of my immediate reactions and I have to find my way out of my initial reaction to things in order to deal properly with the challenges that I face.

The problem that I experience, now now that I am no longer moored to this rigid belief set, is that it takes me longer to determine right and wrong, good and bad. I suppose that was why it was so easy to skim along in life holding to these old beliefs. I recall several General Conference talks where the "Apostles" for the LDS church would describe those that do not have a firm belief in Jesus Christ as anchor less, tossed and turned upon the waves of life. I suppose that is an apt description of how I feel sometimes. But is it truly preferable to stay anchored in one place, firm in a belief system that doesn't allow for human growth and intuition. That doesn't allow questioning of the norms and exploration of other beliefs?

This exploration can sometimes be problematic because it requires a certain amount of questioning both internally and externally of cultural mores and beliefs. There are a lot of ideas popular and unpopular in the public psyche, questions of how we should act towards one another and how we should act in private.

For instance there is the long tradition of women's role in society as homemaker and nurturer. A role that I have filled and held for some time. A traditionalist, religious view is that it is a woman's place to be in the home and that society is weakening because of the break-down of traditional roles. Another school of thought is that we have been limiting woman's potential, that women have a lot to contribute to society outside of home and family.

I can see both sides, yet having experienced the fulfillment of one, I'm now facing the issue of losing one identity to strive for another. There are many things that are underdeveloped in my experience as a contributor to the world of work that I'm finding difficult to make up for. Like forming relationships with co-workers and working on specific work objectives, valuing the company's objectives rather than my own.

Woman have also traditionally been told to be modest, to downplay our contributions. This is harmful in a work environment and holds us back.

Shifting gears I want to talk about the relationships that we are allowed to develop. We have a strong cultural more or norm of monogamous relationships in our society. This is a protection for the traditional family to have Mom and Dad together, working towards the same goals of loving and raising the children.

I have found that this is creates a narrow existence. I have had the experience of having my hopes shattered by being cheated on and I in turn have cheated (I ended it quickly because I felt too much guilt). Be that as it may be the relationship that I was in at the time was inimical to my well being and that of my children's well being. I was holding on to one thing and wanting to be free of it at the same time.

Here is my central struggle. A need for acceptance both outwardly and inwardly keeps me struggling to maintain things as they are regardless of whether or not they are good for me.

I struggled to maintain a relationship with my first husband who hit my children and threatened me, who ultimately scarred my sister and my daughter because of his sexual proclivities. Then again I got into a relationship where I held on and I held on even though I felt that something wasn't right. Again and again this pattern has emerged and I have faced it with moralistic views and I've faced it with monogamous mores. I am afraid of the pain of separation and letting go, living with the pain of holding on to a situation that is not right for me. I feel selfish, I feel disgust for my actions, my inability to make certain decisions. To hold firm to my decisions and the compromises that I make to stay in relationships that I don't want to be in. Ultimately it comes down to a need for acceptance, and to be in the right.

I recognize also that giving up a relationship means giving up opportunities that are embedded in that relationship. But if those opportunities involve the sublimation of my needs, of my soul, then they are not worth the cost.

This is where I feel the shame. I feel so selfish, I feel like I am lacking in the essential ingredient some people have that helps them form close and lasting relationships with others. I know I could contribute to the lives of the people I am with but give that up when I decide to leave. I think that because my first relationship was one where I was continually trying to improve/change the person I was with (to stop certain behaviors such as getting angry and hitting the children), that I burned out on the idealism that certain people have towards relationships. I know that I cannot change another person now and I think that's good to have realized but I feel less hope that someone will change behaviors that I have a hard time dealing with. I hate that I am standoffish and don't want to completely invest myself into my current relationship but that is the legacy of being completely invested in two marriages that have ended.

Here I face the opportunity to break out of the patterns that I have faced. Do I stay in a situation that is comfortable on the one hand and painful on the other or do I make a decision to change the course of things and end what isn't working? Is it the right thing to do?

Time will tell.

SG