Some reflection

 I am almost 44 years old! Reflecting back I acknowledge the struggles that I've faced, how I've grown, what makes me the person that I am today. I'm perfectly imperfect. 

My biggest periods of growth have come from accepting uncertainty and letting go of beliefs that were given to me that no longer fit. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally healthier because of this. 

The night before last night I got stuck at the bottom of the canyon to Ophir. I had gone down the road to call Matt and had kept the headlights on so that cars zooming down the canyon would realize I was there. Now I knew the battery could die if I did that, so I turned it on every once in a while and ran it. But I didn't want to keep running it so eventually I stopped turning it on. Well the inevitable happened and the battery died. So lesson learned. 

Now I could have just stayed there waiting for someone to pass by, but I felt strong enough to at least make a start on walking. At least if no one came by then I would get back to camp. 

It's a pretty safe area, not much wildlife to worry about, so I wasn't particularly scared. But I was a little intimidated by the distance since I had driven that road earlier and it took a lot longer than I thought it would to get to camp. 

I tried to take in the beauty of the night sky, I could see thousands of stars. I tried to appreciate that I wasn't particularly cold, even though the wind was whipping around me. I had a moment of awe as I looked down at the ground and saw the wind dancing through the light on my phone. I also saw a deer on the other side of the road. 

I couldn't help but cry a bit, sob actually as I walked. I felt so alone, a feeling I know well. I think we all know this feeling well. 

I let the sobs subside into calm and just kept walking. Then when I was almost back my son passed me on the road and gave me a ride the last bit of the way. 

I was less tired than I thought that I would be. Probably because I had been exercising a lot the past week on the long trip I was on with my cousins. In fact I'm proud of how healthy I feel, I'm not as sore and worn out as I would have been in past years, though I am still sore and worn out. 

I'm not immune to bouts of melancholy but they're fewer and last for only a short amount of time. My life has been good and I still have a lot if it left to live!