Weekend Blues

For some reason weekends can be quite draining on me. I don't have much enthusiasm for facing a day of coaxing the kids into some cooperation in cleaning the house, chauffeuring them around to grandmas house, work, and other activities.... and then basically spending the day alone. That should be a luxury, it's not.

I feel sad that I get so sad.

Today turned out alright though, I got my Honda back from the shop (it has been broken since last October, brought to the shop a few weeks ago and then to the Honda dealer because there was some mysterious something that wouldn't let it run for more than 5 min.).

Plus, I made ice-cream with the kids. They were super enthusiastic! Each of them helped to add ingredients to the batter, each got a turn stirring it, then each took their turn cranking the handle. :)

We had a blast!

I bought raw milk, premium vanilla flecks and Stevia to sweeten w/o the use of sugar. :)

It turned out OK, a bit too soft because we got a bit impatient... but it's in the freezer now (whats left that is).

I'm sad still. I don't know why.

Bit of a poem from somewhere...

"One cannot love truly without truly loving the words of ones lover."

Roxies Giraffe - Adorable

This is her first effort:

Finished Giraffe!!! :)   (and fish...)   ;)

Lackluster reality

My daughter asked me why all I talk to her about is health. Why? Well, it's the only thing so far that I've found that I can figure out. It's a simple matter of research and then trying it out. Sometimes what I learn works sometimes it doesn't.

I care about her and don't want her to suffer the same way that I have.

Life is otherwise very complicated, a lot of it depends upon circumstance and other people's decisions. I'm miserable here... I'm suffering from a lack of companionship. I put out this promise to marry someone who is on the other side of the world. It's not as though I don't love him, I do, but romance and chemistry cannot be carried out through phone conversations. This reality is a lot different from what I had imagined it to be.

Growing

Oh joy, I printed out Dr. Mercolas E-Books. After the first million pages I really should have turned off the printer.

Today is a big day. I'm interviewing for a position in the Adobe A/R department. I'm feeling confident, I can do the work it's right up my ally, my favorite type of work though is what I'm doing right now... process organization.

We shall see what happens... ;)

The Haves have not to fear

"Great civilizations collapse when the difference between the 'Haves' and the 'Have Nots' is too great."

"A Humans life is a struggle between ignorance and illumination"

"It's ignorance about money that causes so much greed and so much fear

-A doctor wanting more money to better care for his family raises his fees, which makes the poor people struggle because they don't have access to health care "poor people have worse health than those with more money," because the doctors raise their rates the attorney's raise their rates, because the attorneys rates have gone up school teachers want a raise, which raises our taxes and on and on and on. Soon there will be such a horrifying gap between the rich and the poor that chaos will break out and another great civilization will collapse. Great civilizations collapsed when the difference between the 'Haves' and the 'Have Nots' was too great. America is on the same course proving that history repeats itself because we don't learn from history, we only memorize historical dates and names, not the lesson. 'Aren't prices supposed to go up?' 'Not in an educated society with a well run government.' Prices should actually come down. Of course that's often only true in theory. Prices go up because of greed and fear caused by ignorance. If schools taught people about money, there would be more money and lower prices. But schools only focus on teaching people to work for money. Not how to harness moneys power.

~Robert Kiyosaki

Roxies Graduation

Communication

I feel out of step sometimes. When everyone is jumping on board to do this or that activity I'm doing something else.

It's hard to convey how awkward I feel at times. I get so focused on the details that it is hard for me to relinquish what I'm doing to go do something else.

I try to convey a good impression when I talk to other people. A lot of times I beat myself up afterwords because I'm unsure that I said the right thing or if I acted the right way.

Tonight a colleague stopped by my cubicle to tell me about a job offer. They are hiring "Order Management" clerks, basically an A/R position, entry level. He had noticed that I have a Bachelors Degree in accounting which is what they require. Well... I had been told of a similar opening before by a guy on my team. I know what it is that is holding me back from accepting this type of work... growth. Basically the position I am in is allowing me to grow a process, something that I enjoy a lot more then simple accounting rote work. Plus I stay late in this position because I get to work late in the day, and I'm very passionate about what I'm doing. I'm scarred of getting into a different position where I am not in control of my schedule.

There are other reasons I'm resisting applying for a different position but they are hard to explain, even to myself.

The conversation went something like this. OM Manager "Hey I noticed that you have a Bachelors Degree in Accounting, did you know that we are looking for someone in order management?"  Me "I thought they had filled that position, I didn't know there was another opening." Wendell "Yeah, I just interviewed someone that I didn't like, I'm not promising anything but you should apply." Me "What does someone in Order Management do?" Wendell "they help determine if the customers billing is correct, reconcile differences and help with monthly reconciliation (something like that, I can't remember exactly what he said)." Me: "Are there any opportunities for advancement? I guess so because Mario just moved up." Wendell "yeah, I had another guy working for me for a year and then he moved up, this is an entry level position." Me: "ah, well one thing that I really like about my job right now is that I'm helping to develop the process. I know that Adobe has been challenged with this problem for quite some time now and I really feel that were close to coming up with a good solution (something to that extent)." Wendell: "well think about it, the job is listed online. It's not a job title that you see very often, though you see it more in California. Apply if you'd like (something like that...)

Sooooo I think the conversation went well, I feel anxious though that I came across sort of condescending because I was all like, "eh I don't want your job I like what I'm doing...." Should I care? Am I off base here?

I guess I really need to look it up, I couldn't get it to pull up earlier.

Another realization, I don't write much at all about what my kids are up to. K  is starting a job at 7-Peaks tomorrow. They are all out for the summer. I need to buy them all "Passes of all passes..." the 7-Peaks dealio... Edgemont students get a discount.

R had a graduation from Headstart last week. I've got pictures I need to post them.

S successfully graduated from the Fourth to the Fifth grade, he's growing up... going to be a teenager soon... :( I get a rather odd feeling about my kids getting so grown up... makes me frustrated that I can't and haven't spent much time with them and that I haven't taught them much. (Yes I know I'm a good Mom, but I'm split up into Mom and Dad and that's just not enough but as much as I can give...)

I'm reading a book called "Deep Nutrition" it's profound... so deep... ;)

Basically it was the last push I needed to convince me that eggs, pastured pork, whole raw milk, butter, grass fed beef... basically stuff that I grew up thinking was bad for me are really the only types of food that are good for me. Let me tell you, eating sausage guilt free every day (almost) is heavenly. :)

I wish I knew if my position was going to be permanent. My manager alluded to wanting to give me good tips and skills "even though I can't offer a permanent position." Which is contrary to her alluding to hiring me full time with a team of two here in Orem and sending me to India to train a team over there. Perhaps my blundering ways during my meeting presentations is causing her to rethink the idea. It seems I always get shortchanged because of skills I am working on but not quite able to carry out yet.... I'm good in other ways, many, many other ways. It's not being able to communicate effectively that is killing me. I hate it when I fall short.... :(

I'll put up some pictures tomorrow. I think I've broken through a bit of that communication barrier that's holding me down...

~Annie

Thoughts on My Best Efforts

I've observed that when people come under stress that they will often look for others to blame. I believe it is a self ego defense mechanism. Placing blame however deflects from the root cause of the stress, which to me is the fact that we live in a state of uncertainty. A lot of that uncertainty stems from the choices that other people make, willingly or ignorantly.

A part of my character is a tendency to want to see the whole before focusing on the minute details, I love "Where's Waldo" books for that reason. With each new scenario open before you is a large colorful cacophony of chaos. Waldo can be placed anywhere among the chaos, hiding among the pyramids of Egypt, or on a busy street, waiting to be found. For me the satisfaction of the game is being able to tame the chaos, section it off in my mind, focus on the details (glasses, hat and shirt) and the thrill of finally finding Waldo.

I want to see the whole. If someone tells me to find Waldo in 5 minutes I panic, the fun becomes stress. That is basically the situation at work.

I know that I will be able to make things neat, understand what needs to be done to improve things, get the work done. Other people have set expectations however that we should have these company hierarchies done, NOW. I chafe at that attitude. Yet I realize that it is the corporate attitude. They want to be able to set up something (or have it set up) to where they can press a button and it will run through at a set speed until it's finished, measurable, reliable, accurate. At the end of the day, I am putting in my best.

Putting in my best, for who?

At some point I want my best to be directed to my good. My good, my goals, my dreams.

More thoughts on this later... it's getting late.

Weird Stuff

WOW things have been weird for me lately or have they been the same? More of the same I guess.

Sam has been in Hawaii for the past 2 Months. He visited this weekend, the same weekend my Mom planned a family trip to Lagoon.

Since he was only going to be here for the weekend (and thus would miss out on having time with the kids) I suggested he join us.

Everything went alright, he took charge of keeping Sione entertained. I helped my parents with the little girls (my daughter and my brothers daughters, all around the same age).

The next day, he decided to bring the kids up to Bridal Vale Falls to ride their bikes. After trying to figure out the new bike rack that I bought for my Honda (which doesn't fit the Yukon) and then searching for bike racks on Craig's List to fit the Yukon (because I refused to let him try forcing my rack to the Yukon) I finally convinced him to use the trailer that I bought for $300 dollars that was already sitting out side. I came along because I needed to get out of the house and on the way up he yelled at Sione for crying and told him "only fagots cry like that." I told Sam to apologize because that was uncalled for.

Later on I asked him to help me cut up some beef bones to make some good stock from. I was also helping him with his bankruptcy paperwork. My fiance called me and when I hung up with him Sam told me that he didn't think I was still talking to Ajey. He then asked me if things were going to work out. I was a bit taken aback but not too surprised that he was asking me these questions. 1 because Ajey isn't here yet and 2 because Sam is always trying to push the limits with me. He then told me that his friends keep telling him that he needs to move on and that he doesn't think the kids would be happy because he wouldn't be able to be the same with them anymore. That he wouldn't send money for their needs like he does now and wouldn't be able to spend time with them. More or less in those words.

Then he showed me a picture of some girl who wants to marry him. She's a teacher and has a son and apparently Sam's exactly what she's been looking for. I rolled my eyes at this.

On the way to pick up the kids from my moms house he brought the topic up again, told me that he regrets all the stupid stuff that he did, starting from our honeymoon. He was talking about the financial needs of the kids, how Koli is going on a mission in a few years and then Angie. He brought up that he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want another financial burden. I asked him if the girl who wanted to marry him knew about the things that he's done. He said "No, but she can check the internet. I told her there's stuff in my past, but she said she doesn't care about the past."

Stupid

Girls are so stupid, when guys say there is stuff in my past a lot of times it's really, really bad stuff.

I just got out of the car and went in the house (my Dad had brought the kids home so we had turned around and gone home during this discussion).

The next day I dropped Sam off at the airport. On the way up there he had this backwards conversation with a friend of his cousin. "You're my sister, yeah. Hone (his cousin) is my sister so now you're my sister because your her friend and friends don't date their brothers."

Another chance to point out that he has girls who want to date him.

Well I'm thrilled for him right? Actually more scared that he's going to marry some other girl and will ruin her life. Plus somehow, somehow his mess could come in to my life and effect it.

Lesson learned for me (again) the less I talk to Sam the better.

Second weird thing, long distance relationships. Enough said.

Well, I'm done at work. Just wanted to blog a bit.

~Annie