Update

This weeks been rough. Except for Wednesday, that was a good day. Mostly it's been a bunch of fatigue, random horrible headaches, swollen and achy body parts.

I gave blood at my sons blood drive for his Eagle Scout project and I think that exacerbated my condition.

Today I woke up with a sore throat but felt OK enough to go into work (I thought maybe it was a dry throat).  Throughout the day I was able to work OK, able to concentrate, but gradually falling into a deeper fatigue. I knew I had strep. So I told my manager I was sick and went up to the doctors, they confirmed it. They called in a prescription for antibiotics... but I'm stubborn and stopped by Real Foods instead to pick up healing foods and herbs. I think it's going to work. I'm going to bed now to help the process along.

~SG

What I wanted to do though was relive a memory. Maybe tomorrow. 

Little Growing Pains

Growing up I was a lonely little girl. I never had many friends,  I ached for friends and empathized with outsiders. I cried at night feeling that others had friends why not I? I felt that the world was unjust and unfair. Now I see that we all walk in loneliness and longing... all of our hearts break at one point or another. I'm an outsider, looking in. Looking back I see that I've gained strength and empathy. I am resilient. Sad at times,  longing for understanding. But not afraid to walk an uncertain path. Brave enough to trust in the knowledge gained from silent observations. Brave enough to change my mind.

Thoughts

This morning I forced myself out of bed and went on a walk knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to shower when I got back because out tub is all plugged up. Time to call a plumber.

I'm glad I went on a walk though because it gave me time to contemplate. What do I really want out of a relationship? Even if I have what I want before me can I accept it?

We live in a time of many possibilities. We have so many choices, sometimes it's hard to decide what choice to make.

Yesterday I went to the UVU MBA retreat up in Heber City. It was a good experience and I did "bond" with my team. Enough so that I feel comforted in what the future looks like for the next 2 years as an MBA student.

On my walk I was thinking about the writings of Emerson and Thoreau, both deep thinkers. Has society always consisted of deep thinkers and superficial thinkers? I suppose but I tend to think that the level of thought has decreased to a great degree.

My focus is to get my degree. My attention and concentration is to that point. I should approach each assignment as a chance for great thought. To that end I am off to finish up my online course on finance.

SG

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Some days I feel like I am more aware of myself than other days. For the past week or so I've been fighting off a virus of some sort which has dulled, to a degree, my level of ability to concentrate and my ability to feel emotions (happy, sad, etc.)

In fact throughout my life I have experienced varying states of emotional and cognitive ability. At times it has been incredibly difficult to stay on task and form cognizant statements. I had to rely on a sense of intuition to follow what I found to be working and what did not work.

If you are in a fog, than the way to navigate is to hold on to what other people are doing. It's easier than trying to determine for yourself the direction you should take, what is true and what isn't.

Morality is a given set of principles of conduct, what is considered right and wrong.

"A particular system of values and principles of conduct, especially one held by a specified person or society."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morality

The point is; morality, what is right and wrong, has been debated since man has developed a sense of consciousness.

Morality is subjective. Though people try to define it in absolute terms. In some ways the very subjective nature of morality is perturbing. It is a terrible responsibility to live within a realm of subjective morality and this is partially the reason why many people don't try to develop their own sense of morality. Or at least they don't consciously set out to develop a set of moral guidelines.

To one, who is living with a set of circumstances that limits their cognitive reasoning the only morality they know of is that of an outside set of imposed limits and boundaries.

To another, who is more cognitively aware of the world, their moral code is more refined. Different in many ways from the one who is limited by reasoning ability, different in fact from any other person that they will meet.

This line of reasoning brings to mind the unnerving thought that if morality is not an absolute, than someone who is disinclined to follow the morality of society at large will develop their own sense of morality.

If that person is in fact a sociopath, a psychopath, a narcissist, or in any other way disturbed or mentally different than others their "Moral Code" per se might include things that society deems to be grossly immoral, illegal, and disturbing.

And indeed these facts will mean nothing to these sets of people.

So, in the very act of forming opinions on morality that are outside of the society within which I live, I am forming barriers to acceptance within the society within which I live... and thus am constrained by prudence to modify the amount of deviation from the norm.

I can live in my own moral code as long as my moral code inclines me towards the goals with which I am striving for. If I want to reject the moral norm of this society, I will pay the price of being an outsider, but then there are other places in the world where my morality is not seen as a threat and there I might live in peace. Morally speaking. 

Filling out boxes

Sometimes I feel so frustrated. It feels like life is passing me by while I assign numbers to boxes on a screen. I want to get up, talk to people about things, laugh, be stupid.... laugh at my stupidity and everyone else's stupidity as well.

But I'm stuck here, filling out boxes. Making sure all the lines check out on a form.

I listen to lectures on health. I listen about genes and gene expression. I listen to comedians sometimes, music often...

But for the most part, I am filling out boxes

Information that allows billing to be turned on for consulting work, consultants for big companies who are interested in collecting data on people so that they can market to them. Market to them with our software that they've utilized to create amazing and outrageous ads. Ads that drive wants to turn into needs... sometimes I feel that this is all an exercise in futility that I am participating in for the sake of earning money to feed my children who I can't see or touch throughout the day... my children who are building imaginary worlds on game systems, who are fighting battles with imaginary foes.

It's all so meaningless... and yet it's all I can seem to do.

I get so frustrated.

SG

Skeletons and Monsters

I feel vulnerable, so many changes recently

A lot of the things that I grew up thinking were bad now seem to me as part of the social constructs that I grew up with, rather than things that are intrinsically bad.

Most days I keep past traumas locked up in the past where they cannot intrude into the present day and harm it for me. Sometimes though I will hear certain things that will trigger the powerful memories that hide behind the door of the past.

I don't want to deal with that door. I want it to stay locked and all of the skeletons hidden away from my own or from anyone's view.

Those skeletons are not just my own monsters, but the monsters of the past that bear witness to the present circumstances I am in today.

Does it help to take those skeletons out, view them in a new light? Shake the dust off of the bones so that I will not forget the reasons for my current decisions?

I've been quivering here in my own home. Allowing the monster who destroyed it to take up residence on the couch. He cleans and cooks, takes the kids out for a fun time and I hide. This man, the one whom I vowed to love, honor and cherish. The one who I gave my virginal heart to and melted my soul into, pleading and pleading for understanding and growth.

So much of my marriage was spent in frustration. I am an idealist (or perhaps that's the wrong word), I wanted my marriage to match the image of what marriage should be. I wanted my husband to match the image of what "husband" should be. Even now my idea of what divorce is doesn't match.

I thought that once I packed his things and put them on the lawn then he would become angry with me. Perhaps develop a bitter attitude. That would make it easier to stay strong in my decision. Instead he has been worming his way into my life, knocking at the corners of my resolve, making inroads through the cracks in my heart. Making me cry out in frustration, cry out because there is no way I can truly let bygones be bygones.

Even the things that he has done are hiding in a corner of my heart because I hate the ugliness of them. I hate telling people what he has done because they won't understand why I let him stick around when they know what he did. They think that there is no way they would let him stick around, perhaps they would not. Perhaps they would have let him go to jail. Would have fought back the tears of their baby daughter when she asked why daddy lived there.

Perhaps they could. But I haven't. I have let my resolve crack, I've let the image of reform be paraded around like the truth. Set myself up. Equivocated. To keep playing this game of cards where maybe someday I will have the upper hand. Where I will have enough money, influence, self determination or whatever it is that I need to be free of him.

I ask myself now, do you want to be free of him? Yes and no. Yes and no. Yes and no. To be free of him would mean that I no longer have to pretend that I am OK with his presence. No, not free of him. I would lose the laughter and energy he brings home with him. Yes free of him. Free of disruption, random plans that are not well thought out.

No not free of him, not free of someone to take the kids out to do things. YES free of him, free of the lies, free of the manipulation, free from the hugs that I don't want, the kisses snuck while I'm sleeping in my bed, the fondling of my body that I am not an active part of. Why am I giving up my dignity and self respect for this enigmatic, dynamic, charismatic man??

SG

Reflections

This morning I hoped out of bed, still tired but unable to sleep so I decided to put my fitbit tracker to use. While on my walk I had positive thoughts running through my head, acceptance, love of nature, love of self. I marvel that I can have such diametrically opposing thoughts weeks apart. Today though my thoughts were about being gentle with myself. If a change needs to be made I need to be gentle but firm. I was thinking about how a river is shaped, water flowing through the landscape etches out a path. It can do so forcefully, in a torrent, or it can do so gently... a little at a time. In the one case, the torrent, a great amount of earth is moved. Displaced. Perhaps this will form a groove so deep that the water following afterwords will keep to that path... but then again after the torrent comes the slow and steady force.

Other thoughts in that vein. Acceptance of self and acceptance of others. There are things within us that we would like to change. Sometimes it is a recognition of a habit we dislike, in today's image biased society it is often some aspect of our appearance we wish to change. What if the thing we want to change is the thing that endears us the most to others?

Some thoughts anyway...

5 Min. Journal Follow Up. Dairy, good for me? Or no?

4/13/14

“ In order to acquire intellect one must need it. One loses it when it is no longer necessary. ”

— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Follow up

I found a good book on the thyroid and am making a game plan for how to heal my thyroid. I watched a couple of Ted Talks today with a few of the kids. It kind of turned flat... not much response. I need to take a different tack/re-evaluate what I want to watch with them and/or make it a mandatory part of family meetings. Speaking of which I should establish family meetings again.

I haven't taken the kids to the park and I haven't really done anything with them lately. I need to plan activities into my week.

I am grateful for…

1. The wind, it's really windy outside and it reminds me to keep moving.

2. I am grateful that the kids have been cleaning more. It will be better when they know they will get allowance every Saturday and that they can earn extra money by completing extra chores.

3. Beef Pemmican from US Wellness Meats, seriously it's the only thing I've felt like eating today.

What would make today great?

1. If I could get meals prepped for the week.

2. If I make a plan for evaluating and treating my thyroid

3. If I go say hi to my family and give them hugs

Daily affirmations...

I keep my mind healthy and happy and my body follows suit. ~ Louise Hay

How could I have made today better?

In general. I've had an "interesting" day. I had coconut "Creme Brule," it's not very good and I miss dairy. I cut dairy out a few days back trying to see what it's effects on me are... and again I find that my sinuses clear up, but I'm not convinced that cutting dairy out permanently is the right direction to take for optimal health. I get a lot of satisfaction (and satiation) out of eating yogurt and berries and I feel hungry without the dish... it's a simple snack and I miss it. BUT if it is triggering my emotional issues and preventing me from being able to think straight at work I need to keep it out of my diet. BUT I'm hungry!! So I'm going to go to my Paleo books and see if I can plan some meals out for next week to help me overcome this hunger. 

~SG

I can make my life my dream

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.

~Helen Keller

I am grateful for…

1. Having Mandi and Sorina as good friends and that I get to see them at work.

2. Determination

3. The internet as a resource for finding out how to heal

What would make today great?

1. Establishing a routine/expectation with my kids where we watch Ted Talks and discuss them.

2. I need to get out of the house and do a little bit of shopping

3. If I find a great resource/all inclusive book about thyroid disorder to help me know which direction to take.

Daily affirmations; I am…

Compassionate 

3 Amazing things that happened today…

1. My Dad came over and helped me by taking a trailer of trash to the dump.

2. I made some yummy curried chicken

3. My kids came home and cleaned! :)

How could I have made today better?

By getting up and dressed and out of the house.

Things to work on…

Plan something to do with the kids today, perhaps take them to "Discovery Park"

Plan out some meals for the rest of the week

Plan out study schedule

Find out how much for:

Lasik 

Telescope

Binoculars

Tent

Starting my 5 Minute Journal

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.

~Norman Vincent Peale

Today I decided to follow the format for journaling suggested by the authors of "The Five Minute Journal." I don't have $23 dollars to spend on another journal so I will use my blog instead.

I am grateful for…

Today I am grateful that I was able to make it through the workday and catch up on most of my work even though I only got a few hours of good sleep last night.

I am grateful that I have a moment of peace to write because the kids aren't home (they are at my parents house at the moment, sorry Mom).

I am grateful for the sense of optimism that I am feeling at the moment. 

What would make today great?

It would be great to have a nap. 

Then it would be terrific if I could work on my skills for work (which could possibly lead to a raise).

Today would be great if I could have a talk with my kids about what has motivated me throughout the years to do what I have done. If we could have a real discussion about their lives. If they felt that I am a resource and not judging them.

Daily affirmations; I am…

The person I hoped I would be when I was young.

3 Amazing things that happened today…

1. Smiles were given to me.

2. I was able to focus on what's left of the fields of Utah Valley and the mountains instead of the billboards on my drive home.

3. I found this journal device. :)

How could I have made today better?

By taking digestive enzymes before eating a heavy meal... and sleep spray earlier in order to get some sleep!