Trying to stay Focused

I've toyed off and on with the idea of trying to make money from blogging. It seems to me that when I do things disingenuously they don't get very far. I think perhaps that's partly what's wrong with me at work. It's not that I don't try to work hard, it's just that I don't enjoy being there, I don't feel like myself.

Perhaps blogging is an art form that I haven't mastered yet. I write whatever is on my mind, like a journal entry and then publish it. Perhaps I need a bit more discipline than that, a set writing schedule or interest.

Today I'm trying to work out what to do with myself since it seems like my boss is in the process of firing me. I've been too inconsistent at work and not happy that they only focus on what seems to me minor errors that are caught by the weekly recons that are created and easily fixed. Thus when they focused on these things every week I disliked hearing it and didn't take what they said seriously enough.

I think words are powerful. The words running through your head determine the world that you live in, I truly believe that. As such I'm a bit superstitious, when it comes to what I write... I guess I'm really superstitious.

Sometimes I fear that I will hurt someone I love by my words, I fear writing the bald truth of how I'm feeling at one moment or another because I know that words can hurt. I also know that feelings are not fixed, they change.

I find it hard to concentrate sometimes on one subject. I'm interested in so many things. So I hop around when I'm trying to complete a task, like now... I've hoped around to several tabs and read through things, updated another thing, checked FB...

So if I want to seriously consider blogging or some other form of freelance work. I will need to find a way to stay on task. Stay focused on a few points of interest rather than hoping all over the place... at least until I've finished my thought.

SG

State of Being at Work

To me they speak, of me they talk
in the background, where I cannot hear
a line of reasoning, I cannot follow
a hope of respect slipping out of my grasp
the harder I try to hold on
the further
it slips

What would I do if...?

What would I do if money was not an issue?

First of all, I would spend time with my kids helping them to learn about whatever they wanted to learn about.

Last night I had the most horrible dream. I was on some kind of bike I think, peddling as hard as I could to get to work. My daughter was hanging around my neck and crying, I held on to her tightly. I got to the meeting and sat near the back and chatted with the people around me. Another kid was crying and I commented on how difficult they were to sooth sometimes. I was so happy to have my daughter with me. Then I was sliding down these snow hills trying to commute to work. Things were going OK for a while and I had a conversation with an ex boyfriend about the snow hills. Then the snow kept getting thinner and thinner. At the end of the snow hill my grownup son asked me to read him a story. I realized that he had grown up, that he was leaving me and longed for my little boy. I woke up feeling so sad, realizing that my children are growing up and I can't be there for them because I'm at work.

I would create crazy projects, I would take toys from around the house and make them into other things.

I would have fun. How long has it been?

I would cook different foods. Make up recipes, sing in the kitchen.

I would buy a cosy little house with a back yard that had a little copse of trees and perhaps a little stream.

I would decorate my little home.

I would spend my time reading and writing stuff, learning whatever I wanted.

That's all for now...

SG

I need to write...

It's been about a year since I wrote something here. A lot has happened. I started school, I got engaged, I moved our family in with my Fiance, I got married, I went to Ireland with my mom, sister and daughter. I've been sick off and on and it's affected my performance at work and at school.

My performance at work is the most troubling. During my weekly 1:1 meeting my manager told me that he's bringing in HR. It's what I feared, what I've been worrying about... the question is, did my own worries about this happening somehow manifest? Like the book "The Secret" suggests would happen. Or did I just read the situation correctly? I think it's the later rather than the former.

Geez I've forgotten how difficult it is to put my thoughts into words.

I think a lot. Things naturally flow from one thought to another and bounce around in my head, circling around and it's hard to make them stop. Especially when they are creating more anxiety.

With these 1:1 sessions my manager brings up errors, to me they are a reflection of how healthy I've been. When I feel well the error rate is low, when I feel like crap the errors are higher. At the moment I feel good, thus the errors are lower.

How do I explain this to HR? My manager? They don't care what has caused the problem... er I don't know maybe HR does. I hope.

I explain the reasons for my problems to my sweetheart and he dives into explanations about avoiding saying certain things to HR, sounding negative...

The thing is, I dislike the anxiety, A LOT. I hate not knowing what to expect out of this situation.

I guess I just need to improve, keep my error rate low... sleep more so that I will be better at my job.

SG

Strep Throat Gone - Starting SCD Diet

The week after my last post was a long and arduous one. I spent a lot of time in bed, drank a lot of bone broth, took as many healing herbs that I had on hand (golden seal, oregano oil, thieves oil, echinachia, and garlic), by the end of the week I felt almost better. The week after I felt pretty good, I followed a link for an upcoming discussion on digestive issues and constipation, paid $40 dollars for a seat at the seminar table and then paid for the book and meal plans that they offered (another $105). I took a plunge and spent the little remaining money I had on the foods in the meal plan and lo and behold the next day I felt really good!

Today is day 5. I have spread the word about the diet far and wide. I gave the meal plan to Sam since he really suffers from poor diet choices. Sent the .pdf files I bought to my cousin, friend, mom and boyfriend. I hope that it will work the same way for them as it did for me. I'm a bit worried that it will work differently for others than it did for me, since I went through a week of detox and cleansing by struggling with and recovering from Strep Throat... but Sam reports this morning that he feels good after only a few meals. I'm hopeful that it works well for others, a lot of people have had success in healing by following it.

In any case, I am at work and I feel good. SO shelling out my hard earned dollars was worth it. I've spent a lot of money on supplements and I'm hopeful that with the diet my digestion will improve enough that I won't have to do that anymore. :)

~SG

Update

This weeks been rough. Except for Wednesday, that was a good day. Mostly it's been a bunch of fatigue, random horrible headaches, swollen and achy body parts.

I gave blood at my sons blood drive for his Eagle Scout project and I think that exacerbated my condition.

Today I woke up with a sore throat but felt OK enough to go into work (I thought maybe it was a dry throat).  Throughout the day I was able to work OK, able to concentrate, but gradually falling into a deeper fatigue. I knew I had strep. So I told my manager I was sick and went up to the doctors, they confirmed it. They called in a prescription for antibiotics... but I'm stubborn and stopped by Real Foods instead to pick up healing foods and herbs. I think it's going to work. I'm going to bed now to help the process along.

~SG

What I wanted to do though was relive a memory. Maybe tomorrow. 

Little Growing Pains

Growing up I was a lonely little girl. I never had many friends,  I ached for friends and empathized with outsiders. I cried at night feeling that others had friends why not I? I felt that the world was unjust and unfair. Now I see that we all walk in loneliness and longing... all of our hearts break at one point or another. I'm an outsider, looking in. Looking back I see that I've gained strength and empathy. I am resilient. Sad at times,  longing for understanding. But not afraid to walk an uncertain path. Brave enough to trust in the knowledge gained from silent observations. Brave enough to change my mind.

Thoughts

This morning I forced myself out of bed and went on a walk knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to shower when I got back because out tub is all plugged up. Time to call a plumber.

I'm glad I went on a walk though because it gave me time to contemplate. What do I really want out of a relationship? Even if I have what I want before me can I accept it?

We live in a time of many possibilities. We have so many choices, sometimes it's hard to decide what choice to make.

Yesterday I went to the UVU MBA retreat up in Heber City. It was a good experience and I did "bond" with my team. Enough so that I feel comforted in what the future looks like for the next 2 years as an MBA student.

On my walk I was thinking about the writings of Emerson and Thoreau, both deep thinkers. Has society always consisted of deep thinkers and superficial thinkers? I suppose but I tend to think that the level of thought has decreased to a great degree.

My focus is to get my degree. My attention and concentration is to that point. I should approach each assignment as a chance for great thought. To that end I am off to finish up my online course on finance.

SG

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Some days I feel like I am more aware of myself than other days. For the past week or so I've been fighting off a virus of some sort which has dulled, to a degree, my level of ability to concentrate and my ability to feel emotions (happy, sad, etc.)

In fact throughout my life I have experienced varying states of emotional and cognitive ability. At times it has been incredibly difficult to stay on task and form cognizant statements. I had to rely on a sense of intuition to follow what I found to be working and what did not work.

If you are in a fog, than the way to navigate is to hold on to what other people are doing. It's easier than trying to determine for yourself the direction you should take, what is true and what isn't.

Morality is a given set of principles of conduct, what is considered right and wrong.

"A particular system of values and principles of conduct, especially one held by a specified person or society."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morality

The point is; morality, what is right and wrong, has been debated since man has developed a sense of consciousness.

Morality is subjective. Though people try to define it in absolute terms. In some ways the very subjective nature of morality is perturbing. It is a terrible responsibility to live within a realm of subjective morality and this is partially the reason why many people don't try to develop their own sense of morality. Or at least they don't consciously set out to develop a set of moral guidelines.

To one, who is living with a set of circumstances that limits their cognitive reasoning the only morality they know of is that of an outside set of imposed limits and boundaries.

To another, who is more cognitively aware of the world, their moral code is more refined. Different in many ways from the one who is limited by reasoning ability, different in fact from any other person that they will meet.

This line of reasoning brings to mind the unnerving thought that if morality is not an absolute, than someone who is disinclined to follow the morality of society at large will develop their own sense of morality.

If that person is in fact a sociopath, a psychopath, a narcissist, or in any other way disturbed or mentally different than others their "Moral Code" per se might include things that society deems to be grossly immoral, illegal, and disturbing.

And indeed these facts will mean nothing to these sets of people.

So, in the very act of forming opinions on morality that are outside of the society within which I live, I am forming barriers to acceptance within the society within which I live... and thus am constrained by prudence to modify the amount of deviation from the norm.

I can live in my own moral code as long as my moral code inclines me towards the goals with which I am striving for. If I want to reject the moral norm of this society, I will pay the price of being an outsider, but then there are other places in the world where my morality is not seen as a threat and there I might live in peace. Morally speaking. 

Filling out boxes

Sometimes I feel so frustrated. It feels like life is passing me by while I assign numbers to boxes on a screen. I want to get up, talk to people about things, laugh, be stupid.... laugh at my stupidity and everyone else's stupidity as well.

But I'm stuck here, filling out boxes. Making sure all the lines check out on a form.

I listen to lectures on health. I listen about genes and gene expression. I listen to comedians sometimes, music often...

But for the most part, I am filling out boxes

Information that allows billing to be turned on for consulting work, consultants for big companies who are interested in collecting data on people so that they can market to them. Market to them with our software that they've utilized to create amazing and outrageous ads. Ads that drive wants to turn into needs... sometimes I feel that this is all an exercise in futility that I am participating in for the sake of earning money to feed my children who I can't see or touch throughout the day... my children who are building imaginary worlds on game systems, who are fighting battles with imaginary foes.

It's all so meaningless... and yet it's all I can seem to do.

I get so frustrated.

SG